Wednesday, September 24, 2014

September 24th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

September 24th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

I was terrified. At the height of my regain, flirting once again with 400 pounds, I was worried that my body somehow wouldn't lose weight again. I felt trapped in a brutal cycle of addiction and the resulting weight gain. And I seemed to gain so easily, it really made me wonder if my body could/would respond in the other direction if I gave it an honest effort. I was in "hiding" in many ways, masked with this persona as "the choosing change guy," yet completely lost, a million miles from the mental, emotional and physical dynamics I once embraced during my initial 275 pound weight loss. The only change I was choosing was the kind quickly destroying me.

I weighed at my doctors office on April 9th and was horrified by the number 394. I was six pounds away from hitting 400 again. The number depressed me even further. I didn't share my struggles with anyone and those around me everyday could see what was happening--but didn't bring it up very often--and when they did, I would put on a smile and say, "I'm on it!" I wasn't on it.  I didn't reach out for support or help of any kind, except for a desperate email to Dr. Marty Lerner in Florida inquiring about the cost of an inpatient 30 day stay for food addiction recovery. I was really scared because it seemed that no matter what I did, I couldn't get it right again. I would do well a day or two, then crash and burn--only to spend another week or so off the rails until another burst of inspiration struck.

The worst part for me, was knowing how people found inspiration in my experience, and now I wasn't only letting myself down, in my mind I was letting down everyone who had ever sent an email or left a comment expressing their gratitude for my sharing and how it had helped them. That was very tough. I truly wanted to disappear, delete the blog from the internet, close down my facebook--and just fade away into the distance. I still had the ability to encourage others in a positive way--even mentoring some, with positive results I might add!! But the more I did, the more I felt like a fraud. If they only knew where I was in this moment, the thought frightened me to no end. And all of this negative energy only made matters worse.

I was sitting in the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through on April 10th, a day after the 394 weigh-in, picking up another large shake and who knows what else, when I checked my email and found this:

Hello sean
I hope you still pick up your emails on this account.
I picked up your blog on day 1 and I have not put it down since. I'm currently on day 142. I have followed your methods every step of the way and I'm achieving some fantastic results.
The main thing I wanted to email you about was to say
Thank you for saving my life

All the way from the UK
Nick

I didn't enjoy the shake after this email message. "Thank you for saving my life" Who, me?? If Nick only knew where I was and what I was doing in this moment, he would have been shocked. I was slowly killing myself by food, desperate to save my own life and worried I didn't know how this time.

I couldn't get Nick's email out of my head. I was at a pivotal point. I had reached out in blog posts prior, trying to share how desperate I had become and vowing to turn it all around--and still, I couldn't seem to make anything work or stick. I prayed, I meditated and I discussed some options with my therapist and with Life Coach Gerri. 

It was concluded that if I was to get back into a groove of good, I had to do things differently. What worked for me before wasn't enough. I needed a higher level of accountability, I needed to return to daily writing on this blog and I needed to weigh and measure my food. I quickly decided to tweet every bite of food, everyday, as an "extreme" accountability measure. The Twitter decision was a tough one--because the addict side of me was screaming NO!!!!! While the side of me trying to save me from myself was saying, OH YES!! Giving up sugar and committing to the Twitter feed has, without a doubt, been two of the best decisions I've made. Blogging again--everyday, without fail, has been paramount to stopping the regain and turning around what I thought was beyond hope.

Nick in the UK, thank you for saving my life!

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Weigh day, no matter how well I've been doing, is always a source of some anxiety. Not as much these days because I've adopted a "it will be what it is" type attitude. Clearly, this attitude has yet to be tested. I hopped on the scale today and found:
 photo photo30_zpsa005aa32.jpg
This represents an 11 pound loss, bringing the total to 89 pounds in the last 22 weeks. It's been a dramatic turnaround to say the least.

I do know a slow down is coming and my "it will be what it is" attitude will be tested someday soon. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that all hope wasn't lost and my body was and continues to be capable of losing weight, as long as I'm applying an honest effort and doing the best I can each day. It's never perfect and it doesn't need to be--I'm being consistent, being honest, kind and compassionate toward myself and I'm getting results. I'm a very fortunate person.

My weigh days since "394 day" on April 9th:
 photo 809393cb-c2a8-4d02-872f-b2d621de70dd_zps14b4e84d.png

My Tweets today:














Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

30 comments:

  1. Huge congratulations! And, maybe the loss won't slow down. Maybe you will be blessed with quick weight loss. In the end it doesn't matter because you are eating this way for life! That's what can't and won't change!

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    1. Thank you Divad! You're very right--this can take its time if it needs, because I'm not planning a departure from what I'm doing. Will not change that, indeed!

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  2. great blog post sean...we are addicts...we help each other.

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    1. Thank you, Christine. Very true. And so glad.

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  3. Congrats on the loss Sean! You sure have helped many, yours was the first blog I started reading and you inspire me often.

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    1. Awe, thank you, Alati!! I'm honored that mine was your first! Makes me smile!

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  4. I'm so glad you didn't give up and close everything down. I used to think that losing weight was hard - it's not. Overcoming the obstacles we face along the way, especially when we have a lot of weight to lose - that's where the fortitude, the strength, the success - the real, lifelong lessons are learned. I've been struggling lately and have felt the same emotions as you - I'm a fraud, I can't really do this, etc...very destructive thoughts.

    It's taken a lot to stick with it. And while reading about the successes of others is motivating, reading about the obstacles of others and how they face them and overcome them is what's truly helpful.

    Don't ever give up!

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    1. LuckyMama, Thank you for writing this. You're so right. Never give up!! You're not a fraud and you can do this--two absolute TRUTHS!

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  5. Yeah it will slow eventually, but for now take pride in the fact that earned every one of those pounds! Great Job!
    - FogDogWeightloss.blogspot.com

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    1. I'm enjoying this right now!! And I'll enjoy it later too--and I'll appreciate the slow down for what it is: Normal. The less to lose, the slower it goes...it's natural! Thank you!!

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  6. I'm having trouble leaving comments, but wanted to say awesome job and two thumbs up on your turnaround. I've been there and done that more times that I would like to admit.

    Ever onward.

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    1. Thank you Caron--I know you can relate. I love "ever onward." Thumbs up!! TY!!

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  7. Wow, great results Sean! Congrats on the loss, and on turning things around :)

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    1. Thank you, Lyn! It got dark there for awhile!

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  8. Your struggle is such a tragically familiar story to those of us who have also been caught on the lose/regain off ramp. What a relief it is to get back on the highway, moving in the right direction.

    Congratulations on the amazing weight loss. Obviously, you've found an eating plan that works for you.

    Deb

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    1. Deb--I must say--it's been a good find, indeed-- a balanced approach full of things I enjoy. It is working and that's a huge relief!! Thank you!

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  9. I am SO happy you came back with us and are back on your journey. I missed you while you were quiet. You are an inspiration to me Sean - thank you!

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    1. Nancy-thank you, I'm so glad you were still here when I came back. I sincerely appreciate your support, always.

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  10. Sean, I find your journey more inspirational than ever now that you are fighting and winning the regain! I too found myself heading the wrong way on the scale after maintaining a 178-lb. loss for over two years. It was scary. I knew I was once again digging my grave with a spoon, and was also aware of how many people I was letting down. I had put myself out there, I didn't write a book like you, but I was in a national diet cookbook, a national magazine, appeared on The Today Show, and was on local radio and newspaper. So many people had cheered me on for my weight loss, were more than likely inspired by me, and now I was letting them down and I felt so humiliated and embarrassed. Somehow I found my mojo again, and isn't it great to have it back and to feel in control again?! I'm loving it, and I am fully committed to living this way for the rest of my very long and healthy life. Have you read Dr. Barbara Berkley's "Refuse to Regain?" I'm in the middle of it and thoroughly enjoying her educated tips, suggestions and ideas about maintaining a weight loss for life. It's tough, but it's do-able! You're proof Sean, and so am I!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Thank you for the book suggestion! Dupster--I know you know, in the biggest ways, exactly the dynamic I'm writing about-- the regain and all of the feelings associated after much celebration and accolades... You totally get it. It's an absolute pleasure to me that you've also reclaimed your life and stopped the regain!!! It's so awesome to be along this road with you.

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  11. Great post again! I love your tweets of food , btw! Congrats on your great weight loss, too. Very impressive!
    Your blogs always remind me that we are all human. We win and we fail. We pick ourselves up and dust it off and move forward. Thank You.

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    1. Thank you, A! I'm glad you enjoy the food tweets! We are human--very. Never give up--always moving forward (even during the stumbles--it's still stumbling forward!!) You're so welcome, A!

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  12. Hey, Sean, I know you're busy, but I think you'll really like this article. Here's the link:

    http://www.marksdailyapple.com/how-to-succeed-with-a-growth-mindset/

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    1. Thank you for the link! I like his site. Very good!!

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  13. I lost 50 pounds and have gained 40 of it back. I'm struggling to get back on track, but I *want* to believe that relapse is a part of the long-term recovery process. I'm glad you are blogging again---you have put an intelligent, positive, and thoughtful face on this disease. Thank you. Brenda.

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    1. Brenda-- Believe it, Brenda. In order for me to experience long term maintenance--I truly believe I HAD TO experience this relapse. I had more to learn. And I needed to remember--the learning must never stop. You're welcome, Brenda--and thank you for your awesome support. I'm right here with you, Brenda. Even though it seems negative--the regain and relapse--we're still here, learning--and growing--and it makes us stronger and more wise in the end. It gives us perspective we needed.

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  14. Fantastic weight loss. I am so glad I found your blog and that you continued.

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    1. Katrin--thank you!! I'm so glad I have your support, thank you!!! It would have taken a very desperate and horrible move to delete this blog from my life. I'm glad I didn't. Had I done that---I probably would have come to my senses and then spent tons of time trying to get blogger to somehow recover it for me. So happy I didn't make that critical mistake...it would have been further into the darkness, when all I wanted was to come out to brighter days.

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  15. relapse doesn't have to be part of anyone's story. But the fact that it is part of yours. Sean and that you were able to get back on track is nothing short of a miracle. I firmly believe that support and accountability are the keys to long term success. When you started blogging again, you were able to get both back. Kudos on the continued weight loss.

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    1. Thank you, Gerri. Your encouragement to return to daily blogging--and your commitment to your daily writing is what really tipped me over in this direction. I'm so very thankful for you in my life. You're the best, Gerri!

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