September 24th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

September 24th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

I was terrified. At the height of my regain, flirting once again with 400 pounds, I was worried that my body somehow wouldn't lose weight again. I felt trapped in a brutal cycle of addiction and the resulting weight gain. And I seemed to gain so easily, it really made me wonder if my body could/would respond in the other direction if I gave it an honest effort. I was in "hiding" in many ways, masked with this persona as "the choosing change guy," yet completely lost, a million miles from the mental, emotional and physical dynamics I once embraced during my initial 275 pound weight loss. The only change I was choosing was the kind quickly destroying me.

I weighed at my doctors office on April 9th and was horrified by the number 394. I was six pounds away from hitting 400 again. The number depressed me even further. I didn't share my struggles with anyone and those around me everyday could see what was happening--but didn't bring it up very often--and when they did, I would put on a smile and say, "I'm on it!" I wasn't on it.  I didn't reach out for support or help of any kind, except for a desperate email to Dr. Marty Lerner in Florida inquiring about the cost of an inpatient 30 day stay for food addiction recovery. I was really scared because it seemed that no matter what I did, I couldn't get it right again. I would do well a day or two, then crash and burn--only to spend another week or so off the rails until another burst of inspiration struck.

The worst part for me, was knowing how people found inspiration in my experience, and now I wasn't only letting myself down, in my mind I was letting down everyone who had ever sent an email or left a comment expressing their gratitude for my sharing and how it had helped them. That was very tough. I truly wanted to disappear, delete the blog from the internet, close down my facebook--and just fade away into the distance. I still had the ability to encourage others in a positive way--even mentoring some, with positive results I might add!! But the more I did, the more I felt like a fraud. If they only knew where I was in this moment, the thought frightened me to no end. And all of this negative energy only made matters worse.

I was sitting in the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through on April 10th, a day after the 394 weigh-in, picking up another large shake and who knows what else, when I checked my email and found this:

Hello sean

I hope you still pick up your emails on this account.
I picked up your blog on day 1 and I have not put it down since. I'm currently on day 142. I have followed your methods every step of the way and I'm achieving some fantastic results.

The main thing I wanted to email you about was to say

Thank you for saving my life

All the way from the UK
Nick

I didn't enjoy the shake after this email message. "Thank you for saving my life" Who, me?? If Nick only knew where I was and what I was doing in this moment, he would have been shocked. I was slowly killing myself by food, desperate to save my own life and worried I didn't know how this time.

I couldn't get Nick's email out of my head. I was at a pivotal point. I had reached out in blog posts prior, trying to share how desperate I had become and vowing to turn it all around--and still, I couldn't seem to make anything work or stick. I prayed, I meditated and I discussed some options with my therapist and with Life Coach Gerri. 

It was concluded that if I was to get back into a groove of good, I had to do things differently. What worked for me before wasn't enough. I needed a higher level of accountability, I needed to return to daily writing on this blog and I needed to weigh and measure my food. I quickly decided to tweet every bite of food, everyday, as an "extreme" accountability measure. The Twitter decision was a tough one--because the addict side of me was screaming NO!!!!! While the side of me trying to save me from myself was saying, OH YES!! Giving up sugar and committing to the Twitter feed has, without a doubt, been two of the best decisions I've made. Blogging again--everyday, without fail, has been paramount to stopping the regain and turning around what I thought was beyond hope.

Nick in the UK, thank you for saving my life!

------------------------------------------------------
Weigh day, no matter how well I've been doing, is always a source of some anxiety. Not as much these days because I've adopted a "it will be what it is" type attitude. Clearly, this attitude has yet to be tested. I hopped on the scale today and found:

This represents an 11 pound loss, bringing the total to 89 pounds in the last 22 weeks. It's been a dramatic turnaround to say the least.

I do know a slow down is coming and my "it will be what it is" attitude will be tested someday soon. I'm overwhelmed with gratitude that all hope wasn't lost and my body was and continues to be capable of losing weight, as long as I'm applying an honest effort and doing the best I can each day. It's never perfect and it doesn't need to be--I'm being consistent, being honest, kind and compassionate toward myself and I'm getting results. I'm a very fortunate person.

My weigh days since "394 day" on April 9th:


My Tweets today:

Good Wednesday morning! Coffee, good. Me like. 30CX2cups=60 cal. pic.twitter.com/AubQickJxr
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 24, 2014

Big steak & eggs brunch! 3 whole egg omelet with a slice of muenster, sirloin tip steak (5.2oz), Anjou pear. 630 cal. pic.twitter.com/dKvtB9fD2c
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 24, 2014

Tostada burger with red onion, lettuce and swiss, baked thick cut sweet potato slices and fresh pineapple. 548 cal. pic.twitter.com/4wjNK3Gak9
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 24, 2014

The tostada burger was a fail! Will not be doing that again! #tryingstuff #kitchenfail ;)
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 24, 2014

Chkn Alfredo/Veggie Pizza! 4oz chick.breast, Nat.alfredo 1/4 cup, mozz (2slices), mshrms, olives, peppers. 430 cal. pic.twitter.com/vFAfblfNZx
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 25, 2014

Crust is Joseph's Pitas. I recently decided to not eat these anymore. I've since reconsidered. Dextrose is the 16th ingredient. Processed!
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 25, 2014

This was about an hour ago. Medium pear. #lastfoodofday 90 cal. pic.twitter.com/39SNRe1uRP
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) September 25, 2014

Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

June 25th, 2014 It Wasn't Too Long Ago

I spent most of the day with mom, taking her to an eye specialist appointment at the McGee Eye Institute in Oklahoma City. It was a wonderful experience as expected. We carefully packed "road lunches" before departing, each with a sandwich, cheese stick, three kinds of fruit and some wild rice chips. These served as both lunch and snacks along the way. It felt good to do the three P's: Plan, Prepare and Pack. I can't count the number of trips we've made over the years where the first stop was a convenience store for snacks or a fast food drive through on the way out of town. And if the trip involved going "to the big city," like today, then an elaborate plan to eat somewhere "special" was usually the main attraction. Would it be that big home style buffet on the South side or that Mexican all-you-can-eat place where whenever you want more food, you simply raise the flag? Yeah!! You don't even need to move from your seat!! Buffets where you actually have to get up and walk around? Forget that movement nonsense! Poncho's Mexican Buffet is full service, baby! I always thought they needed two flags on those tables, the miniature Mexican flag for more food and a white one for when one more bite could trigger a medical emergency.

As we drove past the Cracker Barrel, we joked about taking a detour and cutting loose on all things Cracker Barrel. We were clearly not serious. But not too long ago, I was very serious. I quickly turned the conversation straight when I shared with mom a secret I had kept for the last four or five months. I hadn't planned on telling anyone about this experience, ever. I just wanted to forget it and move forward. Driving past it today brought out humor at first, then the secret I kept. I decided to share a little of the story with mom today and I've decided to share that and the rest of the experience with you, in order to illustrate just how different things were not too long ago:

I don't remember the exact date, it was either February or March. I had just dropped a friend off at Will Rogers World Airport and was headed home when I suddenly felt compelled to take the Cracker Barrel exit. I had been obsessing about their gravy since the pass on the way to the airport and there I was, all alone with a chorus of demons steering me toward the exit. I didn't resist. I walked in and immediately scanned the area for people I might know. I didn't want to get caught. This trip would forever be between me and a server whom I didn't know, I thought. I ordered the chicken fried steak covered in sawmill gravy, with extra gravy and extra biscuits on the side. I finished the giant portions but I wasn't done. I ordered more biscuits and more gravy. I must admit, it was slightly embarrassing to ask for more. In order to do it, I had to pretend I was someone else--because how could I do this?? I kept telling myself, I'll never see this server again. She didn't know she had become the dealer for my addiction.

After finishing off at least six or seven biscuits and two bowls of gravy, not to mention the chicken fried steak, I decided to accept the dessert suggestion. Oh, she was good. Would I like some pie topped with ice cream?? "Oh I shouldn't, really." As if I was some kind of reasonable eater. "What the heck, let's do it. Sure."  I was so busy eating everything I had fantasized about, I barely noticed how sick I was feeling until I walked outside. That was a long, guilty, shameful walk to the vehicle. At one point I seriously thought I would throw up. It was too much food. I was miserable the rest of the night, physically, mentally and emotionally. If I felt hopeless before this food excursion, my feelings had just been confirmed. I was recklessly headed straight back to 500 pounds in a way that suggested my thoughts and actions were not my own, instead from some insatiable monster inside me.

The next day I vowed never again and I started doing well for a day or two, then it was right back to the Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store drive through for what had quickly become a very secretive late night habit of shakes and burgers before bed.

When you read words I write about how grateful I am for the peace and calm I enjoy today, now you get a sense of how deep that gratitude flows.

I've enjoyed more than two months of binge free living, more than two months 97% sugar free, more than two months of making additional support a priority and more than two months of not hiding anything. Posting a picture and calorie count of every bite, every day might seem excessive, but I don't look at it like that at all. It's necessary for me. I've gone from worrying this practice might be a big hassle to fully embracing and loving the record it's creating. It only works with extreme honesty. I understand, the second I eat something without the photo and tweet in a deviously secretive way, that's the moment it will unravel quickly and tragically. In this state of acceptance, matched with willingness, a solid determination and iron-clad integrity, I'm experiencing something like never before. Not even during my initial weight loss did I feel this much peace. I'm worth the extra effort. Recovery feels good, life affirming, really--after feeling hopeless, lost and scared in the grips of a powerful relapse. I hereby pledge to protect my recovery with the tools and practices successfully used by the countless people before me who continue to this day, living a peace that once seemed impossible to attain.

Will there be struggles? Of course. And when struggle returns, it's up to me to immediately use the tools and practices of successful recovery in order to correct.  One day at a time.

Mom's appointment at the specialist was a good one. She has a macular pucker on the back of her right eye. It doesn't require surgery right now and it doesn't seem to be negatively affecting her vision too much right now. The doctor set her up for a 6 month return in order to track its progress. If the sight stays relatively stable, no surgery. If it worsens, they'll operate. Mom felt good about the trip and outcome. Going in, she was convinced he might want to operate on her eye immediately--and this scared her. I felt her relief when she realized this wasn't the case.

After both of us started falling asleep in the various waiting rooms we toured over the course of three hours, we decided a coffee was in order before the return trip to Stillwater.  Our visit wasn't focused on a "big city" restaurant visit, it was focused on quality time together--visiting, discussing--and laughing, then laughing some more and more.  Of course we planned a nice dinner out upon returning home at one of our favorite places.

We decided to share a single 1/2 order of chicken fajitas for dinner. Notice, of the handful of times I've eaten out in the last couple of months--fajitas, be it Hawaiian or simple chicken, have been the go-to order.  I like it because it feels easily manageable. I have a pretty easy Mexican restaurant strategy to follow: If I do the chips (and I did), I separate mine from the bowl--count out my serving and that's mine--no more...eat 'em slow or fast, when they're gone--that's it. I ask for corn tortillas instead of flour (saves anywhere from 25-50 calorie per tortilla) and I choose to pass on the calorie dense rice and beans. I can confidently get in and out of a restaurant with these fairly simple rules.  And it's not like I'm sitting there miserable the entire time because I'm not indulging in loads of chips and dips and sour cream enchiladas--My focus is shifted to the ones I'm sharing the meal with, in this case Mom...it's more an opportunity to relax and enjoy one another's company, rather than get stuffed.  For me, once this shifted perspective is embraced, it dramatically changes the dynamics.

I took mom home, grabbed my lunch supplies from earlier (she was excited about me leaving her some pitas and rice chips!) and headed for Boomer Lake on the North part of my hometown. I had an off day from exercise yesterday, so I wanted to make sure I had a good one tonight. I couldn't have made it back in time for the YMCA, so a good 5K walk was in order. And it was great.

Thank you for reading! You can follow along on Twitter by clicking www.twitter.com/seanaanderson and if you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My username is SeanAAnderson.

Strength,
Sean

Mother-Son Selfie right before my departure tonight

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

The storms rolled in last night and I was activated, covering weather until the early morning hours. I have done this many times and still made it through my show from 6-9am. I knew before I left the studio, there wasn't any way I could come back and do a show. I was a zombie. I left a note for a colleague to cover my show and it was decided, I was at least taking a half a day--personal day, sick day--whatever we needed to call it, I needed it!

I slept until after 10am, got up and it felt like the weekend all over again. I slept well too. You know the kind of sleep where, maybe a handful of times a year you wake up and think--wow, that was the best, and you feel amazing?? It was that kind of rest. I'm only four and a half months removed from some of the worst sleep of my life and I can tell you, the first thing I do when I wake up feeling great is give thanks for this amazing blessing. If you've ever felt the frustration of severe untreated sleep apnea, where no matter how many hours you're in bed, you still look and feel completely exhausted--then you understand the joy of a good night of real, rejuvenating rest. Oh my--it's like you want to burst open your front door and prance through the neighborhood in your robe singing uplifting Disney songs. I've come close a few times.

I cooked a big hearty breakfast!!

Beef (4oz sirloin) stir-fry omelet w/mshrms, peprs, onion, red pot., swiss, inside 3 egg white omelet & pear. 466 cal pic.twitter.com/DjSKqZz5HU
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 23, 2014

I returned to work mid-afternoon for production and various duties. I made sure to pack some things for lunch. I left shortly before 5pm, ran a couple of errands, requested assistance in moving some exercise equipment into my apartment (more on this in a moment), thought about what to cook for a late dinner--threw a couple of dry seasoned chicken breast in the oven, wrapped in foil--changed clothes, headed to the store to get a few things I forgot last night, then to the YMCA for a good workout.

After the Y, the chicken was still cooking at home while I met Alan, my ex-wife Irene's boyfriend and KL, my oldest daughter Amber's boyfriend. Alan has a truck. They both graciously agreed to help me pick up some exercise equipment from a friend's house and transport it to my apartment--and help me get it up the stairs and into my spare bedroom (which is currently being used for storage). It was almost impossible. Almost...we made it up the stairs with a little help from the insanely strong MMA fighter dude that lives in the building adjacent to me. Okay-- we don't know if he's really an MMA fighter, but we're pretty sure he could be one, easily.

A very dear friend of mine surprised me about three or four months ago when he called to tell me he and his wife had agreed to gift me their big treadmill and Nordicflex weight training machine. They're moving away and they didn't want to take it with them. Rather than deal with the process of trying to sell them, they thought I would get a lot of good out of both and they wanted me to have them. Isn't that amazing? I've volunteered to help them move later this week. It's the least I can do to show my extreme appreciation.

I waited this long to pick up the machines because I wasn't sure I could have them in my upstairs apartment. After careful consideration for the downstairs neighbor, I figured out a plan to minimize the effects of the treadmill vibrations. I'm going to buy a horse stall pad at the local farm supply store. It's a large, hard foam pad--the perfect size to fit underneath the treadmill. It will absorb the vibrations. The NordicFlex isn't a problem, it doesn't move in a way that might cause noise downstairs.


The decorating will soon begin--as I transform my spare bedroom from a storage room into a workout room! I'm already thinking of cool posters and other inspirational things I'll put on the wall!

The chicken enchilada crispy tacos were amazing tonight.  I ran short on my calories, so a little more than an hour and a half after dinner, I had another taco with a side of cantaloupe as my #lastfoodofday.

Chicken enchilada crunchy tacos!! 4oz shredded chicken breast, enchilada sauce, cheese, lettuce, tom. Sr crm. 468 cal pic.twitter.com/2ls9WVwPPq
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 24, 2014

I'm continuing this trek back to a healthy weight with a new kind of stride. I welcome you to follow along on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (www.twitter.com/seanaanderson) and my username on MyFitnessPal is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

June 19th, 2014 A Day of Minor Struggles

I was prepared today. Preparedness doesn't always prevent struggle. One of my interviews on the show this morning was Mark, an avid fisherman. He was coming in studio to promote the upcoming All-American Fish Fry Blood Drive with the Oklahoma Blood Institute. This will be the 8th year this man has caught, cleaned, prepared and cooked all of the fish for this big annual event. Every year, in advance of the date (usually the week before), he brings fresh fried catfish into the studio for everyone to enjoy. Today was the day.

I love fried fish. I love fish, period. Even though I was fully satisfied with my breakfast, I was having a very tough time resisting the aroma of the fish and chips in the studio lobby.  I tweeted about it, expressing "...I need to get out of here." In years past I've indulged on this day, but not this time. Sending the tweets about the fish gave me strength to walk away. Could I have eaten a piece and simply counted? Sure. But as solid and on plan as I've been lately--coupled with the fact that I had just finished breakfast and wasn't even remotely hungry, I made the right call.  I don't feel bad for Mark, the fisherman, because plenty of others enjoyed the free fish. And he knows how I feel about his fish, it's the best!

I left the studio not long after my show and when I returned after lunch, the crock pot of fish and fries still had several pieces. Yes, I checked. I had just finished a wonderful lunch of baked fish, sweet potatoes and pears. Again, I wasn't hungry, yet I was still compelled to check the crock pot. I didn't eat any. I quickly made my way to the upstairs production studio and dove into my work. After a couple of hours I enjoyed an orange before finishing the work day. I still needed to go downstairs and secure the on-air studios, which meant encountering the crock pot of what was now cold and old catfish and fries.

It still smelled good. I came within an inch of eating it. I went so far as to remove the lid and pick up a few pieces. For a moment I thought, I can just count it, tweet it and eat less for dinner. Oh, I was doing my best to make it okay.  At this point, considering the struggle, there was no way I was giving up. I put the cold fish back in the pot, returned the lid--acknowledged the glistening of oil on my fingers and the smell, then promptly went into the bathroom and washed it away. I walked from the studio feeling empowered.

It showed me that just because I'm 97% sugar free, it doesn't mean I'm completely free from errant thoughts and occasional struggle. This situation was a different kind of trigger. It was the sight and smell. Had the food been a large pizza from Hideaway Pizza in my hometown, I would have experienced the same struggle. Had it been a giant pot of sesame chicken from Chinese Express--same struggle. I haven't had many of these types of struggles in the last couple of months because I haven't been around some of these foods. It was a good thing to experience this today.

After deciding to grill something for dinner, I realized I forgot to take the meat from the freezer. No problem, I'll just go buy a small package at the store and grab a few other things while I'm in there. But when I pulled into the store parking lot I realized how tired I was. It had been a long day. Instead of shopping, then cooking--I decided to give myself a break from the kitchen and grab some Hawaiian Fajitas to go from my favorite little Mexican place. Out of the five or six times I've eaten out in the last few months, these Hawaiian Fajitas account for four times, including tonight. I implemented the same calorie saving strategy as I always do at a Mexican restaurant. Dinner checked in at 556 calories.

I planned to workout after dinner but suddenly I didn't feel like it. Was I just too tired today, physically and mentally? Perhaps. I really like to reserve my "off day" from the workout schedule for the weekends. So I decided to drag myself to the YMCA. I arrived and realized I had left my earbuds at home. I wasn't driving all the way back home and back to the Y again for the music. I decided to go ahead and workout without my music. I made it through the workout, but I'll tell you--listening to people grunt and breathe isn't as much fun as getting wrapped up into Billy Idol. It took some focus to see it through. I'm glad I did.

Today's theme has been struggle, in a few different ways. It may have started with the anonymous comment on yesterday's post that stated: "Your blog seems interesting but I cant get past the ugly layout." It was the epitome of superficial, this comment--and as much as it amused me, it must have bothered me a little too. My blog is as strong as the content and message, not to mention what it's done for me in so many ways and what others have told me it's done for them over the years. I take this blog seriously. I've never taken the time to "dress it up" or even consider a few changes to make it easier to read. Perhaps I do need to make a few changes to it, nothing major--maybe a bigger font or something, different color schemes...a prettier layout.

I'm hitting the pillow much earlier than usual and that's a good thing. And despite the various minor struggles today, I'll hit the pillow knowing that I'm in just under budget, I exercised and I took extraordinary care of me today.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

May 31st, 2014 What Does It Take?

So what is it? When do we reach a point where we stop the slide? It's different for each of us, for sure, but there are similarities--things universal to the struggle.

I reached a point where I was gradually losing everything but weight. My sleep was so messed up.  I was always exhausted and this contributed to losing my ability and desire to care about myself. My weight gain was bringing back health issues I thought I'd experienced the last of, like high blood pressure and severe swelling in my right leg. And I was quickly running out of clothes to wear. My recovery actually started long before the current state of this journey. It was January of this year when I finally came to the conclusion that if I didn't get help for my severe sleep issues, I might not ever be able to correct and recover.

Even after two sleep labs and the installation of a new cpap therapy, the struggle continued. This time it was in ways worse than the all out slide. I was sliding and then getting on track, then sliding again--then getting on track again--and over and over...and over.

In a recent Facebook micro-blog, I tried my best to describe the transition into stopping the slide...

"I've been trying to identify and best articulate the most critical element transforming extreme struggle into harmonious consistency. Having experienced both, it's a fascinating study. Sure, it's a combination of elements, but what is the one, that without, all the others become ineffective? Is it acceptance, where suddenly we embrace instead of reject? That's fine, but how do we get to a place of acceptance? I keep coming back to perspective. Dr. Wayne Dyer says it so perfectly: “When you change the way you look at things, things change.” The perspective we choose is paramount to our success, of course. Sometimes, finding the perspective that engages the gear you're looking for isn't as easy as someone saying, “change your perspective.” In my opinion, we first must identify, one by one—the mind noise and clutter that keeps our perspective in a locked position. It's mental work that's worth the effort. Because if we can get past these things and truly shift our perspective, suddenly what once seemed impossible becomes not only possible, it becomes our new everyday reality, a non-physical transformation where we can finally experience the seemingly elusive, harmonious consistency."

Dave May, A good friend of mine, who's very familiar with me and with the elements of lasting recovery, added this:

"Want. Want is first. If we don't want to change, nothing happens. Belief is second. If we don't believe we can change, nothing happens. Self awareness comes third. If we don't become aware of the inner self, the baggage of the past, the self conscious "facts" we already have in place that are working to defeat us and keep us locked into our old behavior, they will, eventually and assuredly derail any attempt to change and again, nothing happens. Change, you see is a process and there is ALWAYS a most important element. We move from one most important to the next, and sometimes we must move back to the previous most important element, which brings me to one more "most important" element: Faith. If we don't have faith, we are sure to fail. Faith that I CAN change. Faith that the mistake I just made doesn't doom me. Faith that if I get on track, or get back on track, change will come. If we lose faith, none of the other elements will matter, because we won't believe they can work. We, of course could debate the order of these elements or which is the MOST important, but after years of struggle, growth, setbacks and triumphs, I believe that is a pretty good BASE list of the "most critical elements" of transformation. Oh, and let me add one more, lest I forget it and lose all of my progress: HUMILITY. If I ever think "I've got this figured out" I will surely fail. I must remain teachable, and the first element of being teachable is a realization that I do NOT already know all that I need to know. So the list I have shared with you here is Want, Belief, Self Awareness, Faith, Humility. Odd that I should have almost forgotten humility, and then placed it last on the list. As I sit here typing, the thought occurs to me that perhaps HUMILITY should be FIRST. Perhaps that I almost didn't even think of it is the real root of my problem? Without humility NONE of the other elements could exist. I guess I don't know which is first. All I know is there are a LOT of elements to change and they are ALL the most critical. Thank you Sean for starting my day off with a good think. Now I will add a prayer to it, and I should be off to a good start."

When a point of complete and utter desperation is reached, the proverbial "rock bottom," and it's enough to get our attention--and we sincerely want out and to find our way back...then we surrender.

When I emailed Dr. Marty Lerner at Milestones in Recovery in Florida to inquire about the cost of a 30 day stay, my long and drawn out surrender was starting. When the cost prohibited me from remotely entertaining the option, I had to figure out something else and fast.

But there I go again--thinking I could do it on my own, alone--and maybe then I can lose the weight I've gained and nobody outside of the people around me everyday will be the wiser.  

I've "surrendered" before, where I threw my hands up and declared I was powerless over this and needed help. I even wrote a blog post titled "surrender," a long while back. The post included a prayer for recovery and it was powerful to me. I forgot about how I was supposed to help myself, for best results.

So what happened? Relapse happened. But why?? Because I stopped doing the things that were working for me. 

If you're rowing your boat across a large body of water and suddenly you stop rowing, what happens? You come to a stop, occasionally moving with the flow of the currents, you're at the mercy of the currents.  If you stay there long enough , you risk encountering things that could sink your boat. Then, as the buoyancy of the boat is compromised we cry out...why is this happening??? We stopped rowing. We stopped doing what was moving us forward, what was keeping us ahead of the storms.

My greatest struggles came after I disconnected from any semblance of spirituality within my journey, I stopped writing on a regular schedule, I stopped using my Calorie Bank, I stopped reaching out for support, I stopped reading what others were writing, I stopped relating to others, I stopped exercising, I stopped recognizing that emotional eating is supported by the lie that food has magical powers to fix things, I stopped taking care of myself, I stopped everything. I stopped rowing my boat.  Suddenly when the storms came, I had nothing to fall back on--I had sacrificed it all.  I had isolated myself in the middle of nowhere nice. But still--the question...WHY???

The answer?? Because my pride and lack of humility kept me from accepting personal truths about my food addiction. I wanted to be normal, damn it. I just wanted to be a different type of person--you know, the kind who doesn't have food issues and is an intuitive eater and loves to exercise regularly--and maintaining a healthy weight is just something that comes natural...I wanted to be that person. Anything but me.  Why?? Because I didn't like me.  Because no matter what I did, I found a way to consider myself a failure. I filled my head with so many self-abusive thoughts that were untrue--I started believing them. The more weight I'd regain the more disdain I had for myself.  The daily mental beat downs kept me feeling defeated.  I constantly put myself in a down position. And eventually I lost the strength and will to get back up.

That is, until I accepted a change in perspective. I let go of the struggle and basically said--tell me what to do!!  Whatever it is I need to do, I'll do it.

100% of the people I've talked to who have enjoyed years and years (one with almost three decades) of uninterrupted maintenance never stopped rowing their boat. They understood, for people like us, it's something we must do for the rest of our lives. We must always be aware. Always measure and weigh our food, always take extraordinary care by maintaining an exercise schedule. Always navigate restaurants with a keen awareness of what we're ordering and doing. We must always seek support with like minded people. We must always stay connected. And another thing I've noticed about people who do what's needed for recovery--they don't eat sugar. Some even avoid wheat and flour. And they're okay with it all. In fact, they're living fuller and richer lives because of their efforts.

I've reached a point of acceptance and it feels so incredibly good.

I've written more in the last 40 days than in all of 2013 and 2012 combined. I've reconnected with my support system. I've cut out 97% of pure sugar. I've even added elements I didn't use before--like MyFitnessPal and using Twitter as a food and exercise accountability tool. I'm doing the work and it's paying off. My last weigh day showed a 25 pound loss. I haven't binged in more than 40 days and I haven't had the urge to binge either.  And I've had powerful epiphanies in regard to my identity and self worth (read my May 15th post and the one a few days later titled "The Secret To Happiness.")

I'm worth the effort. I'm going to make it. So are you.

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Today was another wonderful day. I took time in preparing and enjoying my food. I had an incredible workout at the YMCA and I'm looking forward to my next weigh day on June 11th. I'm feeling smaller. My clothes are loose and people are once again starting to notice the positive changes.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 27th, 2014 Training Wheels On

May 27th, 2014 Training Wheels On

I'm settling down into a nice groove and it continues to feel amazing. I still have issues I must address, like time management and drinking more water. But I must say, overall I'm very pleased with myself these days.

I hosted a teleconference tonight with Life Coach Gerri and I think it went fairly well. I always think of ways I could have articulated ideas better, afterward. Of course I'm my worst critic when it comes to this stuff. One thing that came up during an answer to a question was, if after relapse I felt like I hadn't learned anything previously.  I learned so much during my initial weight loss but now, looking back I can clearly identify things that fell short. The shortcoming was in the emotional and stress eating department. The thing is, I set my support and accountability system so high, that it carried me through things I would have otherwise ran for cover from in a drive-through. I lost the last 75 pounds going through a separation and divorce. The thing I didn't stop doing under any circumstance was writing my blog every night.  I still had that strong element of support and accountability--and it gave me strength. The mistake was after the storms had passed, I thought my survival without relapse meant I had somehow found a way to end my emotional and stress eating tendencies---when really, I was carried through those times by the level of accountability and support I had built over the course of my transformation. Then...

When I stopped writing the blog everyday--and then sporadically at best--I suddenly didn't have the same support system and accountability factor... And things were okay for a almost a year and a half.  They were because everything seemed great--I was writing my book, I staying connected with people and life seemed rosy.  When it stopped being all peaches, is when suddenly I discovered I had abandoned every tool that brought me so far. Like a kid who's trying to ride a bike for the first time with the training wheels off, I stumbled time and time again. But my foolish pride kept me from re-installing the training wheels and getting back to basics... That is until the mud of one too many ditches made it very clear, I needed to get back to what worked for me.  Training wheels on!

Still, I wouldn't trade this experience, really. I needed to be humbled. I needed to see all sides of this journey. And thanks to regaining--I've been able to go back and investigate the areas where I clearly need more study. I call it a blessing in disguise, 100%.

I also didn't give my food addiction the respect and consideration it needed.  I didn't want to accept it completely. So once again, I learned the hard way--there are certain things I mustn't eat. When I consume sugar, I struggle--I binge. When I don't, no struggle and no urges to binge.  And when I'm not fighting the battle of the binge--it frees me to focus on the food and exercise fundamentals and the very important practice of maintaining my accountability and support system.

This presentation tonight was in advance of our next weekly teleconference support group.  If you're interested in signing up for the six week program starting June 3rd, please email me your intention: Sean@transformationroad.com.  The weekly support group is Tuesday evenings at 8 Eastern, 7 Central, 6 mountain, 5 Pacific.  It is very different than what we did tonight. It's a lot of one on one, exploring you and your experience--your puzzle and offering support toward helping you achieve your weight loss objectives. The weekly group includes a private Facebook group for call members only and unlimited email, text, and call support when needed. Think about it--and I'll have sign up details for you in the next couple days.

I prepared some amazing turkey enchiladas tonight. I had them oven ready before the teleconference tonight, then finished them and enjoyed the dinner shortly after.  The picture, along with everything else I eat daily, is on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson I also enjoyed an incredible workout tonight at the YMCA on the elliptical. It is getting easier and easier to handle. I'll start upping the resistance and duration very soon.

Thank you for reading and your incredible support,
Strength,
Sean