I was offered "just a bite" of something sugar laden three times this week. It didn't phase me in the least, I just smile and say "I don't eat sugar." Not "I can't have sugar," because clearly I can. I choose to NOT eat sugar because after forty-two years of research, I've concluded that it activates a reactive addiction cycle within me. One of the offerings came with "Oh, come on, a little tiny bite won't kill you!" Another was "It's not big enough to hurt you!" I don't blame these people, it's fine--I get it. It's interesting to me that I'm the one most at peace with giving up sugar, while some around me seem slightly perplexed and in a way, sympathetic. "Oh, that's right, I'm sorry...how are you doing with that?" Like it's a huge burden on me. It isn't at all.
It's easily one of the greatest food experiences of my life. To be released from the constant urges to binge, where I felt possessed, has been nothing short of a miracle. Remember--I'm the man who would fantasize about his upcoming late night binge while driving to a big dinner at a friend's house. Or, after telling myself I had to stop the three or four times a week giant ice cream shake habit that not another soul knew about, I'm the same guy that would then put on his shoes at 10:25 pm and drive like a maniac to make it into the drive through by 10:30 pm for another "fix," not because I necessarily wanted to do it--I felt compelled to do it, driven to do it. I was scared out of my mind because I was doing it. In the middle of that fierce addictive cycle, I feared I was too lost to ever make it back.
Richard Pryor was once asked if he could ever imagine getting his addictions under control, to which he replied, "I got the demon." And although the addictive substances are drastically different, I understand what he meant, completely.
We would never ask an alcoholic in recovery to take a sip of vodka because "a tiny bit won't kill you." And if we did, the recovering alcoholic would likely disagree with that statement.
I have traded the terrifying chaos for peace and sacrificing my peace for a piece of anything full of sugar, isn't worth the trade, ever.
It will happen again, the offers, just like the three times this week and it's perfectly okay. Unless someone has lived these dynamics, it's nearly impossible for them to grasp the magnitude of "just one bite" for someone like me. I don't have any issues with someone encouraging me to indulge. I'll continue smiling and simply saying, "I don't eat sugar."
The fact that I am here, doing what I do and doing better than I ever have, is nothing short of a miracle from above. I'm immensely grateful.
My planned workout tonight was a nice combination of elliptical and swimming. I hit the elliptical hard for 30 minutes then took to the deep end of the family pool because the Y closes the lap pool at 7pm on Friday. It wasn't as good of a workout as I get in the lap pool, but it was still good. Instead of swimming various strokes, I did several different aerobic movements in my corner of the pool. At some point I'll stop mentioning the following--but for now it's too fresh to not: No anxiety, no hesitation, no worries about what anyone thinks, stood alongside the pool in a bathing suit, without a shirt as I prepared to deal with the initial "cold dip" and everything was fine...in fact, it was better than fine. It was beautiful. I swam three times this week and it felt INCREDIBLE. The transformation of perspective is one of the biggest along this road.
In an effort to bump up my calories in consideration of calories burned, I've added some nutritionally dense foods. This is the compromise I'm making with the part of my brain that resists adding calories for fear of gaining. Adding the extra calories is giving my metabolism what it needs to properly work and if the metabolism is working properly and the body is getting what it needs, I'll continue losing weight. The deal is simple: I'll break my 1700 calorie bank, but only with the most nutritious foods. I've added some Shakeology, as you'll see in the tweet below. After burning 888 calories today, my 288 calorie vanilla-banana-all natural peanut butter smoothie #lastfoodofday still didn't bring me to 1200 net calories. I ended the food day at 1,904 calories and 1,016 net calories after calories burned. It takes some careful planning, for sure.
Also, I'd like to make extra sure that MyFitnesPal is calculating calories burned accurately. The app considers my height and weight, so it should be close. In an effort to "check" it, I'm borrowing a monitor from a dear friend. It will give me an accurate reading for comparison to the MFP numbers.
You'll find something missing from my meal Tweets today. Be one of the first three to correctly identify what's missing and you'll win an MP3 audio version disk of my book Transformation Road-My Trip To Over 500 Pounds and Back. Good luck!
Meal Tweets:
Three whole eggs prepared hard, cantaloupe (324g). 320 cal. pic.twitter.com/8CT5zWs2a1
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 8, 2014
Leftover chicken (7oz), avocado (88g), light sr crm (15g), La Tiara white corn shells (2), red grapes (200g) 661 cal. pic.twitter.com/gpFjKJ6kCP
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 8, 2014
93/7 lean grilled hamburger w/mustard (np), grilled zucchini, garden fresh tomato slices & sweet pot. fries. 499 cal. pic.twitter.com/ZJ2KBof7zi
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 9, 2014
#shakeology w/unsweetened almond milk, 1/2 small banana, 16g (1/2 srv) all-nat. pnut butter. #lastfoodofday 288 cal. pic.twitter.com/OhtdTLVHPM
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) August 9, 2014
What's missing in today's food tweets? Be one of the first three to answer correctly and you'll win! Good luck!
Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
