Day 547
Let Me Enjoy This One and Negative Encouragement Revisited
Beware of the Ides of March! Whatever. It was fine. Today was great. I started my day early like so many before---with some non-weighted strength exercises, breakfast, and reading…and sometimes writing. It’s a nice start, a good foundation to what could be and should be a good day. I’m doing everything I can to make it that way.
Thank you to everyone for the kind comments about yesterday’s post. A few were wayyyy tooo kind. Really, Tom Cruise, OK---whatever! It’s funny you mention that, because Irene was the first to say that years ago, even at my heaviest, she could see some resemblance. It’s happened over and over again throughout the years. I once had a comedy club patron at Laffs in Tucson, Arizona, stop me after a show just to tell me that I looked like a “fat Tom Cruise.” I guess that was a compliment, kinda.
I remember rushing back to the room that night to tell Irene and the girls all about this strangers observation. I was giddy: “She said I looked like a fat Tom Cruise, can you believe that? You really think so? If only I could lose this weight---I wonder what I would look like in the face?” It was hope for my fat head and me. That’s how I looked at that, it was hope. After feeling like the fattest, ugliest person in every room or group I was in---I felt hope. Maybe if I lost this weight, I could be considered cute. I would dream about that…crazy huh? Or maybe it’s not crazy, it's just a normal fat guy dream. Tom and I do have the same style of connecting ears and maybe the same eye and nose shape---maybe. Our facial structure must be similar. Whatever. Irene read the blog posting and the Tom Cruise comment and then sent me a text that said “See, I always told you that you looked like Tom Cruise, I was the first.” Yes you were my buddy. Honestly, I don’t see it. I appreciate it. And mom, my dear momma---don’t worry---it’s far, far away from going to my head. That’s what mom said tonight…“don’t let that go to your head son.” Isn’t she amazing? I love my momma!
And I love my dear cousin Troy. I haven’t heard from him concerning the post…I hope once he reads the paragraph about our childhood, that he’s still gracious in his understanding. It’s cool to not be the heaviest person anymore. That’s all. I can’t help but smile over that fact.
I can remember thinking to myself: I’m the fattest person in this school. Or: I’m the fattest person in this store right now. Or at a big sporting event: I may be the fattest person in this entire stadium. I know, I know…horrible. And I started doing that to myself in grade school! It didn’t take much to figure out that I was the fattest kid in the school…then I would sit there and obsess over the thought.
So you know what? I’m enjoying not being that guy anymore. I don’t feel “gross” like that girl said to me in eighth grade when I expressed interest in her. I don’t feel like a freak anymore. I felt like one for too long. It messes with your head badly. So good for me that after a lifetime of feeling that way---I can feel good about how I look, confident in my appearance---maybe not total body confidence just yet---but we’re getting there, but seriously…I sometimes tear up when I’m all alone and I’m washing my hands---and I look up at myself in the mirror…and I like what I see for the first time in my life. I’ve never had that before.
I spent the evening with Amber tonight. We arrived home from dinner out at JW Cobbs with just enough calories left for a 110 calorie Blue Bunny Star Bar….or a banana or apple. I chose the Star Bar. It was a treat. It’s important to have occasional treats, and for 110 calories, I love the ice cream bar! We watched Couples Retreat with Vince Vaughn. We laughed a bunch. And caught some of the love lessons in the end too. It was a good movie and a nice time together.
I read the post from March 15th, 2009 and found a portion about “negative encouragement.” If you’ve been overweight for a long time, then surely you’ve been a victim of the sharp edged, well meaning barbs, and sometimes not so well meaning jabs from people around us:
One thing that doesn't motivate anyone is “negative encouragement.” Sounds like an oxymoron doesn't it? Negative encouragement is when a person uses negatives in hopes that they'll sting enough to make that person do something about their weight problem. “You're lazy,” “You'll never lose your weight,” “You're a slob,” these negatives do nothing to motivate, they just hurt peoples feelings and reinforce negative perceptions they may already have about themselves. These kind of negative comments can come from great people that really love the target of their remarks. They really do, they would love to see positive changes in the person they're firing these hurtful words toward, and if confronted about the negative comments and relentless negative out loud observations, they would no doubt be hurt themselves, because “hey, I love them, I just want them to do something about their obesity.” I've personally witnessed this kind of “encouragement” and since I have a tremendous amount of experience being morbidly obese, I can ensure you that it has absolutely zero positive value. It just doesn't serve a purpose, at all, not even a little bit. And again, the person dealing the remarks can be a very caring, smart, and loving individual, with nothing but positive hopes and dreams for the subject of their ridicule. Perhaps they've never been morbidly obese, they've never had a serious weight problem, so they don't fully understand the mental perplexities of obesity. If you're the one dealing the remarks, stop it! If you're the one receiving the remarks, don't believe them for one second! You can do this, you have the power within to dramatically change your life forever. Once you truly decide to make the changes, and you make it the most important thing you do, and you work on changing your mind about food, eating, and exercise habits, and you do it everyday with 100% consistency, then nothing can stop you from reaching your goal. Not stress, not emotions, not a single thing can get in your way. How do I know? Because I spent my entire life stuck in the prison of morbid obesity. After countless attempts to break free, I'm just now doing it everyday.
Thanks for reading. Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
Day 546 Weighing Less Than Him and The Mental "Breakdown"
Day 546
Weighing Less Than Him and The Mental “Breakdown”
I talked to my cousin Troy yesterday. It had been a while since we had caught up with each other. Troy is getting transferred to South Carolina and I’ve lost a little weight, so we had some things to talk about. Troy grew up in Michigan, the son of my mom’s sister, and we only had a chance to see each other once a year as we grew up---every summer. Troy was always naturally slim. Every year before he would leave, I would tell him of my grand plans to lose massive amounts of weight before he would see me again, and then next summer would come around and I would be bigger than the year before. Troy never grew fat, he just grew tall, and although we were roughly the same height most of our childhood---something happened around 13 or 14, maybe it was 15---whenever it was, he shot up past me quickly. Troy is the only person in the family that makes my 6’3” look short. Troy is 6’ 7”. But it wasn’t his basketball playing height that I envied (no he didn’t play basketball in college—he gets asked that a lot); it was his ability to maintain a normal weight all of those years. Yesterday on the phone…I told him that I might weigh less than him now. He asked how much I weighed and I told him 263. And he said “Yes, you weigh less than me!” He wouldn’t say what he weighs, and I didn’t pry. I apologized for being so giddy about this revelation. It doesn’t seem right for me to weigh less than Troy. It seems very unnatural. But very cool…very cool indeed. Thank you Cousin for understanding my glee.
Sunday morning started out late once again. Instead of breakfast fare, I opted for lunch—leftover chicken and pasta from our Friday night meal. I spent a little while reading e-mails and writing Saturday’s post. Then I organized my thoughts and planned my day, what was left. I planned on doing a 10K before the weekend ended. And I wanted to do it with the girls, but they were both visiting momma tonight. It was just me. More on that in a moment.
An anonymous reader left this comment and question on yesterday’s blog:
Would you mind writing a bit more some time about the "mental exercises"? It seems logical that those would be something one includes everyday, like physical exercises, but I'm not at all sure how to get started with...pushups for the noggin'? Anything you can share about that aspect would be very appreciated!!!
The majority of this blog is all about the mental aspects of this journey. I invite you to go back and read from Day 1. Yes, it’s a lot of reading, but along the way you’ll get what I do and how I’ve done it. Some days really stand out for me… Day 327 is one of my favorites. It’s rather long, so I will not reprint it here---but you can go back and read that day. I’ve re-read it many times. Here’s the link: http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-327-emotion-ocean-and-mix-tape-of.html
Let me say this about the mental aspects: It all starts with an “iron clad decision” to change. You have to decide that this is it. You have to be completely honest with yourself about your behaviors with food. You have to gather your “motivating thoughts” and put up that “steel curtain zone” to defend the integrity of your mission. You have to set that “importance level” to life or death. It must be at the absolute highest setting. This is too important!! If it’s not set to the highest level possible, it becomes too easy to make excuses and rationalize bad choices. You have to decide right now, that no matter what happens---no matter the circumstances or stressful triggers---no matter what, you’re not compromising this journey.
Your time is now. And if you want this to be the last time, then you’ll invest the time in talking yourself through this process. Yes, I said talking yourself through. It’s what I do when I’m hit with an urge to binge---I calmly remind myself of all the wonderful benefits being free of morbid obesity allows. In the beginning, I would remind myself of how I wanted to simply be alive…and I knew that if I allowed even one meltdown, it could, and most likely would become the beginning of the end, the end being an early death. The importance level you set is paramount. And if you apply this critical importance level, no matter how much you have to lose, 30 or 300 pounds, it doesn’t matter---you will get there.
The “Steel Curtain Zone” is an imaginary barrier between my journey, my progress---and the rest of my life. Stressful situations, disappointments, celebrations, and anything else that may try to influence my commitment to this mission---they just bounce off the steel curtain. They can’t penetrate that zone. I couldn’t let life derail me any longer. But honestly---it wasn’t life doing anything. Life was just being life—sometimes stressful, often times trying…sometimes celebratory, and sometimes defeating. I had to admit that life really wasn’t derailing me…I was derailing me and using life as the excuse. See what 100% self-honesty does? It strips away our excuses to fail doesn’t it?
I guess it comes down to simple meditation. Getting alone with your thoughts and really digging deep into your brain to discover a strength you may not have known even existed. I spent so much time on the mental aspects, I didn’t have time to get fancy on the food and exercise part. I just kept that stuff simple. 1500 calories a day and some kind of exercise, walking at first. That’s it. And remember---I didn’t care how I reached 1500---again, I was keeping it very simple. I had to keep it simple, because I was so busy doing the mental gymnastics, I didn’t have time to worry about too much else. I needed the track to be the simplest it could be. And in that, I discovered what I feel is the big “secret” to weight loss. A slow, very natural evolution of “good choices.” No more rushing out and buying special foods or plans. No pills needed. We were just eating less of the stuff we normally would eat. As I budgeted that 1500 calories per day---I naturally started making better “calorie value” choices in an effort to stretch my allotment each day. Now I’m at a point where I’m starting to care about what I eat, not just how much. So the choices continue to improve, naturally, and best of all---effortlessly. This is where I am. I wasn’t here on Day 1 or even Day 201. It’s a process. And it’s worth everything to me. I feel incredible!
OK---I’m avoiding the 10K subject. Yeah---didn’t happen. I hit the trail and completed a very nice 5K. But I let myself off the hook on the 10K, citing my cold and congestion—and sneezing fits that were all over me. It wasn’t an excuse, rather—a circumstance. I made it a great 5K with lots of jogging and the rest power walking. I made sure I was sweating---although I rarely break a sweat the first mile. Isn’t that amazing? A mile back in the beginning was like death looming over me…and now a mile is the easiest thing.
I was excited to find a comment from Pam on yesterday's post. Pam was so ready to throw in the towel after losing nearly one hundred pounds. Different circumstances had made her feel like she couldn't continue her very successful and inspiring mission...So, I was thrilled to read this:
I love the fact that you are encouraging your cyber friends, just as you encouraged me last week. You are a special guy, and I hope you always remember that! (BWT, I ended up not giving up, I just needed a clean break and a fresh start, which meant a new blog!) Thanks again...your words did not fall on deaf ears ; )
Thanks Pam! If you get a chance, pop on over and check out her brand new blog. I'm so happy for her. Here's the link: www.restofthejourney.blogspot.com
What a wonderful ride so far. And we’re not even done! That’s exciting my friend. It’s very, very exciting to me. Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Irene, cousin Troy, Troy’s wife Stacy, and “Old” Sean---over 500 pounds
Another before picture that got my attention just now. Irene, Amber, and Me---all at our heaviest.
Recent “In-Progress.” Notice that Oklahoma State Pull-over? It’s the same one Irene is wearing in the above photo. It was hers. It’s mine now! ;)
My Girls. Amber 20, Courtney 16
Irene after she lost 140 pounds.
Weighing Less Than Him and The Mental “Breakdown”
I talked to my cousin Troy yesterday. It had been a while since we had caught up with each other. Troy is getting transferred to South Carolina and I’ve lost a little weight, so we had some things to talk about. Troy grew up in Michigan, the son of my mom’s sister, and we only had a chance to see each other once a year as we grew up---every summer. Troy was always naturally slim. Every year before he would leave, I would tell him of my grand plans to lose massive amounts of weight before he would see me again, and then next summer would come around and I would be bigger than the year before. Troy never grew fat, he just grew tall, and although we were roughly the same height most of our childhood---something happened around 13 or 14, maybe it was 15---whenever it was, he shot up past me quickly. Troy is the only person in the family that makes my 6’3” look short. Troy is 6’ 7”. But it wasn’t his basketball playing height that I envied (no he didn’t play basketball in college—he gets asked that a lot); it was his ability to maintain a normal weight all of those years. Yesterday on the phone…I told him that I might weigh less than him now. He asked how much I weighed and I told him 263. And he said “Yes, you weigh less than me!” He wouldn’t say what he weighs, and I didn’t pry. I apologized for being so giddy about this revelation. It doesn’t seem right for me to weigh less than Troy. It seems very unnatural. But very cool…very cool indeed. Thank you Cousin for understanding my glee.
Sunday morning started out late once again. Instead of breakfast fare, I opted for lunch—leftover chicken and pasta from our Friday night meal. I spent a little while reading e-mails and writing Saturday’s post. Then I organized my thoughts and planned my day, what was left. I planned on doing a 10K before the weekend ended. And I wanted to do it with the girls, but they were both visiting momma tonight. It was just me. More on that in a moment.
An anonymous reader left this comment and question on yesterday’s blog:
Would you mind writing a bit more some time about the "mental exercises"? It seems logical that those would be something one includes everyday, like physical exercises, but I'm not at all sure how to get started with...pushups for the noggin'? Anything you can share about that aspect would be very appreciated!!!
The majority of this blog is all about the mental aspects of this journey. I invite you to go back and read from Day 1. Yes, it’s a lot of reading, but along the way you’ll get what I do and how I’ve done it. Some days really stand out for me… Day 327 is one of my favorites. It’s rather long, so I will not reprint it here---but you can go back and read that day. I’ve re-read it many times. Here’s the link: http://losingweighteveryday.blogspot.com/2009/08/day-327-emotion-ocean-and-mix-tape-of.html
Let me say this about the mental aspects: It all starts with an “iron clad decision” to change. You have to decide that this is it. You have to be completely honest with yourself about your behaviors with food. You have to gather your “motivating thoughts” and put up that “steel curtain zone” to defend the integrity of your mission. You have to set that “importance level” to life or death. It must be at the absolute highest setting. This is too important!! If it’s not set to the highest level possible, it becomes too easy to make excuses and rationalize bad choices. You have to decide right now, that no matter what happens---no matter the circumstances or stressful triggers---no matter what, you’re not compromising this journey.
Your time is now. And if you want this to be the last time, then you’ll invest the time in talking yourself through this process. Yes, I said talking yourself through. It’s what I do when I’m hit with an urge to binge---I calmly remind myself of all the wonderful benefits being free of morbid obesity allows. In the beginning, I would remind myself of how I wanted to simply be alive…and I knew that if I allowed even one meltdown, it could, and most likely would become the beginning of the end, the end being an early death. The importance level you set is paramount. And if you apply this critical importance level, no matter how much you have to lose, 30 or 300 pounds, it doesn’t matter---you will get there.
The “Steel Curtain Zone” is an imaginary barrier between my journey, my progress---and the rest of my life. Stressful situations, disappointments, celebrations, and anything else that may try to influence my commitment to this mission---they just bounce off the steel curtain. They can’t penetrate that zone. I couldn’t let life derail me any longer. But honestly---it wasn’t life doing anything. Life was just being life—sometimes stressful, often times trying…sometimes celebratory, and sometimes defeating. I had to admit that life really wasn’t derailing me…I was derailing me and using life as the excuse. See what 100% self-honesty does? It strips away our excuses to fail doesn’t it?
I guess it comes down to simple meditation. Getting alone with your thoughts and really digging deep into your brain to discover a strength you may not have known even existed. I spent so much time on the mental aspects, I didn’t have time to get fancy on the food and exercise part. I just kept that stuff simple. 1500 calories a day and some kind of exercise, walking at first. That’s it. And remember---I didn’t care how I reached 1500---again, I was keeping it very simple. I had to keep it simple, because I was so busy doing the mental gymnastics, I didn’t have time to worry about too much else. I needed the track to be the simplest it could be. And in that, I discovered what I feel is the big “secret” to weight loss. A slow, very natural evolution of “good choices.” No more rushing out and buying special foods or plans. No pills needed. We were just eating less of the stuff we normally would eat. As I budgeted that 1500 calories per day---I naturally started making better “calorie value” choices in an effort to stretch my allotment each day. Now I’m at a point where I’m starting to care about what I eat, not just how much. So the choices continue to improve, naturally, and best of all---effortlessly. This is where I am. I wasn’t here on Day 1 or even Day 201. It’s a process. And it’s worth everything to me. I feel incredible!
OK---I’m avoiding the 10K subject. Yeah---didn’t happen. I hit the trail and completed a very nice 5K. But I let myself off the hook on the 10K, citing my cold and congestion—and sneezing fits that were all over me. It wasn’t an excuse, rather—a circumstance. I made it a great 5K with lots of jogging and the rest power walking. I made sure I was sweating---although I rarely break a sweat the first mile. Isn’t that amazing? A mile back in the beginning was like death looming over me…and now a mile is the easiest thing.
I was excited to find a comment from Pam on yesterday's post. Pam was so ready to throw in the towel after losing nearly one hundred pounds. Different circumstances had made her feel like she couldn't continue her very successful and inspiring mission...So, I was thrilled to read this:
I love the fact that you are encouraging your cyber friends, just as you encouraged me last week. You are a special guy, and I hope you always remember that! (BWT, I ended up not giving up, I just needed a clean break and a fresh start, which meant a new blog!) Thanks again...your words did not fall on deaf ears ; )
Thanks Pam! If you get a chance, pop on over and check out her brand new blog. I'm so happy for her. Here's the link: www.restofthejourney.blogspot.com
What a wonderful ride so far. And we’re not even done! That’s exciting my friend. It’s very, very exciting to me. Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Irene, cousin Troy, Troy’s wife Stacy, and “Old” Sean---over 500 pounds
Another before picture that got my attention just now. Irene, Amber, and Me---all at our heaviest.
Recent “In-Progress.” Notice that Oklahoma State Pull-over? It’s the same one Irene is wearing in the above photo. It was hers. It’s mine now! ;)
My Girls. Amber 20, Courtney 16
Irene after she lost 140 pounds.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Day 545 Family and Friends and Keeping It Simple
Day 545
Family and Friends and Keeping It Simple
After hitting the pillow really early last night, I found myself wide awake at 6am---on a Saturday? Oh no---this isn't going to work! But that was it. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I started my Saturday by writing, reading, and cooking breakfast. It was good really. Amber was sleeping soundly by this time. It was just me, my coffee, a good breakfast, and the computer.
Joe at “Dropping The El Bees” www.droppingtheelbees.blogspot.com emailed me recently about a Trolley Run to benefit his daughters pre-school. Joe writes on his blog: This is the largest fundraiser that my daughter’s school, The Children Center for the Visually Impaired, does all year. This is a very important event for the school as it helps support the school and the wonderful services they provide for my daughter and all the children that attend. I’ve shared Bella’s story before, and CCVI has helped her grow tremendously in physical, mental, and emotional capacities. We will never be able to re-pay our debt to this organization so I am asking everyone that reads (all 15 of you) to consider running or jogging or walking alongside of us or donating a small or large amount to a great cause.
Joe, I'm happy to share this here! I can't guarantee I'll be able to make it to Kansas City on April 25th, but I hope it's the biggest turn-out ever! You have such a sweet angel in your daughter. As a father of two daughters, I can clearly recognize your wonderful love and closeness for her.
You can find Bella's donation page here: http://public.eventunited.com/kcsc/sabateseyecentersTrolleyrun2010/TeamFundraising.aspx?tid=4207
After a few hours this morning, I started feeling really tired again—and instead of fighting it, I decided to go back and sleep a little more. Hey, it's Saturday! I'm allowed, right? I did and it was good. Besides I wanted to be well rested for my outing with Amber.
I prepared a wonderful pita pizza lunch for the two of us before we made our way to the movies for Alice In Wonderland. The movie was fabulous! It was a great afternoon and a fabulous evening. I always enjoy spending time with my girls, it's always the best!
I've said it many times, how I'm so happy with Amber and how she's really grabbing control. And I have to say---I hear a new level of commitment in her voice. A new understanding, a new determination. It's wonderful to hear and see.
I found this from Day 180 exactly a year ago today:
It's so very important to keep things simple. So many times we try to make things difficult, we get intimidated, then we fail. If you've gone back and read from the beginning of this blog, you know I'm all about keeping it simple. Simple works. Counting calories, exercising, and mental exercises. That's my three tiered approach that has totally transformed the way I look at food. The most important being the mental exercises. Melissa Walden, fitness and life coach, talked on Tuesday about how you are what you think you are. And it's true. You can also do what you decide you can do. You can't do what you've decided you can't do. If you've decided you can, then strap in and get ready for a life changing journey! I sometimes think, if I would have known getting my head on straight and doing this could be so fulfilling, I would have done it years ago. Why didn't I? I guess I had convinced myself that it would be really tough. I also allowed any and all excuses and daily stress to derail me with the slightest of nudges. One of the biggest challenges I've overcome so far has been dealing with stress without running to food. It was a self-imposed tough love challenge, I'll tell ya. When I'm stressed, I always turned to food to make me feel good. Now I turn to my motivating thoughts. I turn to exercise. I turn my attention to positive things. If I'm feeling exceptionally weak, I just go and read some of the hundreds of comments that have been left on this blog over the course of the last 180 days. I find strength in your support. I find strength in my motivating thoughts. I know that giving in and turning to over-eating during stressful times and situations is not only counter-productive, it's compounding the problem. Two negatives don't make a positive. They just make an even bigger negative. But a negative countered with a positive, reduces the negative. If I'm stressed and I feel a hint of old desires and feelings, I crush them with a flood of motivating thoughts. Stress doesn't have a chance against my motivating thoughts, I guarantee that!
A blogging friend of mine could use some encouragement. She's known as “ChubbyChick” and you can find her blog at www.gottalose200pounds.blogspot.com She's always been a wonderful supporter of mine—and I know she can do this too. If you have the time, stop by and say hi to her.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Family and Friends and Keeping It Simple
After hitting the pillow really early last night, I found myself wide awake at 6am---on a Saturday? Oh no---this isn't going to work! But that was it. I couldn't go back to sleep, so I started my Saturday by writing, reading, and cooking breakfast. It was good really. Amber was sleeping soundly by this time. It was just me, my coffee, a good breakfast, and the computer.
Joe at “Dropping The El Bees” www.droppingtheelbees.blogspot.com emailed me recently about a Trolley Run to benefit his daughters pre-school. Joe writes on his blog: This is the largest fundraiser that my daughter’s school, The Children Center for the Visually Impaired, does all year. This is a very important event for the school as it helps support the school and the wonderful services they provide for my daughter and all the children that attend. I’ve shared Bella’s story before, and CCVI has helped her grow tremendously in physical, mental, and emotional capacities. We will never be able to re-pay our debt to this organization so I am asking everyone that reads (all 15 of you) to consider running or jogging or walking alongside of us or donating a small or large amount to a great cause.
Joe, I'm happy to share this here! I can't guarantee I'll be able to make it to Kansas City on April 25th, but I hope it's the biggest turn-out ever! You have such a sweet angel in your daughter. As a father of two daughters, I can clearly recognize your wonderful love and closeness for her.
You can find Bella's donation page here: http://public.eventunited.com/kcsc/sabateseyecentersTrolleyrun2010/TeamFundraising.aspx?tid=4207
After a few hours this morning, I started feeling really tired again—and instead of fighting it, I decided to go back and sleep a little more. Hey, it's Saturday! I'm allowed, right? I did and it was good. Besides I wanted to be well rested for my outing with Amber.
I prepared a wonderful pita pizza lunch for the two of us before we made our way to the movies for Alice In Wonderland. The movie was fabulous! It was a great afternoon and a fabulous evening. I always enjoy spending time with my girls, it's always the best!
I've said it many times, how I'm so happy with Amber and how she's really grabbing control. And I have to say---I hear a new level of commitment in her voice. A new understanding, a new determination. It's wonderful to hear and see.
I found this from Day 180 exactly a year ago today:
It's so very important to keep things simple. So many times we try to make things difficult, we get intimidated, then we fail. If you've gone back and read from the beginning of this blog, you know I'm all about keeping it simple. Simple works. Counting calories, exercising, and mental exercises. That's my three tiered approach that has totally transformed the way I look at food. The most important being the mental exercises. Melissa Walden, fitness and life coach, talked on Tuesday about how you are what you think you are. And it's true. You can also do what you decide you can do. You can't do what you've decided you can't do. If you've decided you can, then strap in and get ready for a life changing journey! I sometimes think, if I would have known getting my head on straight and doing this could be so fulfilling, I would have done it years ago. Why didn't I? I guess I had convinced myself that it would be really tough. I also allowed any and all excuses and daily stress to derail me with the slightest of nudges. One of the biggest challenges I've overcome so far has been dealing with stress without running to food. It was a self-imposed tough love challenge, I'll tell ya. When I'm stressed, I always turned to food to make me feel good. Now I turn to my motivating thoughts. I turn to exercise. I turn my attention to positive things. If I'm feeling exceptionally weak, I just go and read some of the hundreds of comments that have been left on this blog over the course of the last 180 days. I find strength in your support. I find strength in my motivating thoughts. I know that giving in and turning to over-eating during stressful times and situations is not only counter-productive, it's compounding the problem. Two negatives don't make a positive. They just make an even bigger negative. But a negative countered with a positive, reduces the negative. If I'm stressed and I feel a hint of old desires and feelings, I crush them with a flood of motivating thoughts. Stress doesn't have a chance against my motivating thoughts, I guarantee that!
A blogging friend of mine could use some encouragement. She's known as “ChubbyChick” and you can find her blog at www.gottalose200pounds.blogspot.com She's always been a wonderful supporter of mine—and I know she can do this too. If you have the time, stop by and say hi to her.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Day 544 I Never Bothered To Ask and Becoming "Normal" In The Eyes of Strangers
Day 544
I Never Bothered To Ask and Becoming “Normal” In The Eyes of Strangers
I jumped out of bed right at the first alarm this morning! I was determined not to have a repeat of yesterday. It was 3:50am, and I could have grabbed another fifteen minutes—but really, the risk of over sleeping again was far greater a concern than the benefit of grabbing an extra quarter-hour. I made my way into the kitchen and started the coffee before getting some blood moving with my morning warm-up routine. It's not the most vigorous workout, but it's just a little something to make me feel good first thing. I read about some getting up and running several miles before their first cup of coffee, and wow—maybe that will be me someday, but right now...right now, today...I'm doing good!
I loved the feedback on the asparagus experience yesterday. The overwhelming consensus?: It's all in how you prepare the stuff! So true! I plan on giving asparagus another shot real soon. I'll be grilling. I want the kind of asparagus that Dawne described “like candy.” I like candy. I want some candy asparagus. I wonder if anyone has ever dipped it in chocolate and rolled it in nuts? OK—maybe I'm getting carried away, I don't think that's what Dawne meant...pardon me!
I enjoyed my coffee this morning and started writing yesterday's blog posting while I contemplated breakfast. I decided on a couple of scrambled whole eggs with mushrooms and salsa, wrapped in a flat-out flat bread. It was a big and hearty breakfast burrito for 230 calories. I grabbed some fruit and hit the road, ready for a busy Friday in radio land. And it was fairly busy. I had to leave early too, so that made me extra hurried to get things done. I had a friend to take to the airport in Wichita.
We stopped at a convenience store for a snack and something to drink on the way to the airport. I needed something, but this convenience store didn't have fresh fruit. They did have plenty of junk! But I don't want junk. I wanted something I could feel good about. I ended up grabbing a 140 calorie bowl of dry Cheerios and an 80 calorie white string cheese. I'm always asking myself is this choice going to make me feel good or bad? How does it fit in my calorie budget today? Do I need it or do I just want it? Simple questions that take just a second to answer, but are so vitally important to me now and so drastically different from “old” Sean.
I was the king of mindless eating. The “old” Sean would have grabbed a large bag of chips, some beef jerky, and a candy bar...along with a 32 ounce fountain drink of straight Coke. Yep---over 1000 calories on a one hour road trip snack—oh yeah, that was normal around here. The only questions I would ask myself back then were: Does it sound good and taste even better? Give it to me! Can I eat cheese nachos while driving? I swear---the day the convenience store down the road installed a hot cheese and chili dispenser---that day was beautiful man, beautiful! When I explore my old habits and behaviors, I quickly realize why it was so easy to become a 500 pound man---and how I was able to maintain that level of morbid obesity for so many years.
I overheard two people talking about me today. I perked up and listened closely. I couldn't hear everything, but what I did hear made me feel on top of the world. “He looks like a normal person.” Thank you kind stranger! That made my day. It's the pursuit of “normal” isn't it? I want to look normal, not fat. I want to eat normal, not with out of control gluttony. I want to be a normal guy. And here's a stranger, perhaps a listener---someone that remembers seeing me at my heaviest, making an honest observation and calling me normal. That's more beautiful to me than a hot cheese and chili machine any day of the week!
Everyday I read a post from exactly a year prior. Today I found this from Day 179, March 12th, 2009:
I feel like nothing is impossible. This over-joyed feeling is such a far cry from the desperate hopeless emotions of 505 pounds. I hope that you can see my sincerity in these words. After being overweight my entire life and never losing the weight permanently, I felt like I was destined to be fat forever, however short that forever may have been. I can see the possibilities now, I can feel the hope for the first time in a long time. I always was good at putting on a happy face no matter my weight. Someone said to me tonight that they'll miss that 505 pound guy they first met a year or so ago. But understand, that 505 pound guy was hurting very badly inside. That 505 pound guy was all smiles on the outside and all tears inside. While my values will always remain the same, and I'll always be me, a part of Sean that has never surfaced before is making it's way out. It's the Sean I always kept under wraps, opting instead for a much more insecure version, less confident, and full of self doubt. This new Sean is still the old Sean, just way more outgoing and confident. A much more fun Sean is emerging like a butterfly, But this really isn't anything new...It's me! It's the me I've always been inside, but was too insecure to let out. Finally my personality on the radio will more closely match up with my personality off the air. I've always said that I reveal way more of “the real me” on the radio. I do because you can't see me. The only thing I have to be confident about on the radio is my voice and ability to communicate, and that's never been a problem.
While I was driving home from Wichita, Amber was driving home from college for Spring break. I beat her to town just in time to do some grocery shopping and clean house a little. I put the last dish in the washer shortly before she arrived. I know I see her my kid way more often than some parents do with kids in college, but still---every reunion is met with tight hugs. I'm so proud of my girls. We visited a little bit, catching up on the last few weeks , then I started cooking dinner for the two of us.
I grilled a couple of chicken breast and prepared some whole wheat spaghetti and marinara. I topped the marinara laden pasta with the chicken, mushrooms, and some mozzarella---then baked it for twenty minutes. It was good and tasty, and fairly heavy at 530 calories a plate...but we both had the room in our calorie budget, it was all good. We had an ice cream bar for desert too! That's right, a Blue Bunny Star Bar is only 110 calories...and it's the perfect portion controlled ice cream indulgence. We were half way through dinner when I realized I didn't take a picture of the finished dish!! Oh well...next time.
After dinner and more visiting, Amber decided to make her way over to her mom's house and I decided to go to bed early. I was exhausted really. Three days in a row without a mid to late afternoon nap...Yeah, so---I was ready to crash! I did and it was so good. I plan on taking Amber with me to the YMCA this weekend, and if it warms up enough, I plan on hitting the trail for a 10K. It's been a while since we've done one of those! I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
I Never Bothered To Ask and Becoming “Normal” In The Eyes of Strangers
I jumped out of bed right at the first alarm this morning! I was determined not to have a repeat of yesterday. It was 3:50am, and I could have grabbed another fifteen minutes—but really, the risk of over sleeping again was far greater a concern than the benefit of grabbing an extra quarter-hour. I made my way into the kitchen and started the coffee before getting some blood moving with my morning warm-up routine. It's not the most vigorous workout, but it's just a little something to make me feel good first thing. I read about some getting up and running several miles before their first cup of coffee, and wow—maybe that will be me someday, but right now...right now, today...I'm doing good!
I loved the feedback on the asparagus experience yesterday. The overwhelming consensus?: It's all in how you prepare the stuff! So true! I plan on giving asparagus another shot real soon. I'll be grilling. I want the kind of asparagus that Dawne described “like candy.” I like candy. I want some candy asparagus. I wonder if anyone has ever dipped it in chocolate and rolled it in nuts? OK—maybe I'm getting carried away, I don't think that's what Dawne meant...pardon me!
I enjoyed my coffee this morning and started writing yesterday's blog posting while I contemplated breakfast. I decided on a couple of scrambled whole eggs with mushrooms and salsa, wrapped in a flat-out flat bread. It was a big and hearty breakfast burrito for 230 calories. I grabbed some fruit and hit the road, ready for a busy Friday in radio land. And it was fairly busy. I had to leave early too, so that made me extra hurried to get things done. I had a friend to take to the airport in Wichita.
We stopped at a convenience store for a snack and something to drink on the way to the airport. I needed something, but this convenience store didn't have fresh fruit. They did have plenty of junk! But I don't want junk. I wanted something I could feel good about. I ended up grabbing a 140 calorie bowl of dry Cheerios and an 80 calorie white string cheese. I'm always asking myself is this choice going to make me feel good or bad? How does it fit in my calorie budget today? Do I need it or do I just want it? Simple questions that take just a second to answer, but are so vitally important to me now and so drastically different from “old” Sean.
I was the king of mindless eating. The “old” Sean would have grabbed a large bag of chips, some beef jerky, and a candy bar...along with a 32 ounce fountain drink of straight Coke. Yep---over 1000 calories on a one hour road trip snack—oh yeah, that was normal around here. The only questions I would ask myself back then were: Does it sound good and taste even better? Give it to me! Can I eat cheese nachos while driving? I swear---the day the convenience store down the road installed a hot cheese and chili dispenser---that day was beautiful man, beautiful! When I explore my old habits and behaviors, I quickly realize why it was so easy to become a 500 pound man---and how I was able to maintain that level of morbid obesity for so many years.
I overheard two people talking about me today. I perked up and listened closely. I couldn't hear everything, but what I did hear made me feel on top of the world. “He looks like a normal person.” Thank you kind stranger! That made my day. It's the pursuit of “normal” isn't it? I want to look normal, not fat. I want to eat normal, not with out of control gluttony. I want to be a normal guy. And here's a stranger, perhaps a listener---someone that remembers seeing me at my heaviest, making an honest observation and calling me normal. That's more beautiful to me than a hot cheese and chili machine any day of the week!
Everyday I read a post from exactly a year prior. Today I found this from Day 179, March 12th, 2009:
I feel like nothing is impossible. This over-joyed feeling is such a far cry from the desperate hopeless emotions of 505 pounds. I hope that you can see my sincerity in these words. After being overweight my entire life and never losing the weight permanently, I felt like I was destined to be fat forever, however short that forever may have been. I can see the possibilities now, I can feel the hope for the first time in a long time. I always was good at putting on a happy face no matter my weight. Someone said to me tonight that they'll miss that 505 pound guy they first met a year or so ago. But understand, that 505 pound guy was hurting very badly inside. That 505 pound guy was all smiles on the outside and all tears inside. While my values will always remain the same, and I'll always be me, a part of Sean that has never surfaced before is making it's way out. It's the Sean I always kept under wraps, opting instead for a much more insecure version, less confident, and full of self doubt. This new Sean is still the old Sean, just way more outgoing and confident. A much more fun Sean is emerging like a butterfly, But this really isn't anything new...It's me! It's the me I've always been inside, but was too insecure to let out. Finally my personality on the radio will more closely match up with my personality off the air. I've always said that I reveal way more of “the real me” on the radio. I do because you can't see me. The only thing I have to be confident about on the radio is my voice and ability to communicate, and that's never been a problem.
While I was driving home from Wichita, Amber was driving home from college for Spring break. I beat her to town just in time to do some grocery shopping and clean house a little. I put the last dish in the washer shortly before she arrived. I know I see her my kid way more often than some parents do with kids in college, but still---every reunion is met with tight hugs. I'm so proud of my girls. We visited a little bit, catching up on the last few weeks , then I started cooking dinner for the two of us.
I grilled a couple of chicken breast and prepared some whole wheat spaghetti and marinara. I topped the marinara laden pasta with the chicken, mushrooms, and some mozzarella---then baked it for twenty minutes. It was good and tasty, and fairly heavy at 530 calories a plate...but we both had the room in our calorie budget, it was all good. We had an ice cream bar for desert too! That's right, a Blue Bunny Star Bar is only 110 calories...and it's the perfect portion controlled ice cream indulgence. We were half way through dinner when I realized I didn't take a picture of the finished dish!! Oh well...next time.
After dinner and more visiting, Amber decided to make her way over to her mom's house and I decided to go to bed early. I was exhausted really. Three days in a row without a mid to late afternoon nap...Yeah, so---I was ready to crash! I did and it was so good. I plan on taking Amber with me to the YMCA this weekend, and if it warms up enough, I plan on hitting the trail for a 10K. It's been a while since we've done one of those! I'll be sure to let you know how that goes.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Friday, March 12, 2010
Day 543 Emergency Breakfast and First Time Asparagus Experience
Day 543
Emergency Breakfast and First Time Asparagus Experience
I slept sound last night. Too sound. I overslept horribly. It was a good thing I showered before bed! I must have really worked out harder than I realized with the stairs yesterday, because my body demanded and took the rest it needed. I didn't have time to fix coffee! I grabbed a banana on my way to the vehicle and a mad dash to the studio. I was hungry, horribly hungry, and a banana just wasn't going to be enough. So I quickly swung into a fast-food place for an order of plain scrambled eggs and a fruit and yogurt parfait—oh, and a coffee. I'm not mentioning the name of this place, but you already know. The mere mention of it disgust some, and I completely understand why---But--It was an emergency breakfast!
I really didn't have time to stop. But breakfast is just too important to me, and I made the best choices possible. I think I've finally 'trained' the early morning crew at this place. Usually they're out of the fruit and yogurt this early, telling me that the person who makes those doesn't arrive until 7am or so. Last time they told me this, I asked two pointed, yet polite questions. First---Does it really take a specially trained individual to put fruit and yogurt in a cup? And second---Am I the only early morning breakfast orderer in Ponca City that wants fruit and yogurt? They made them early today for some reason. Hmmm, maybe I made a good point...I really think they hate me there! The eggs and yogurt represented 300 calories to me, the banana—100, so 400 to start the day...that was good for my metabolism.
I knew from the start that today was going to be a really busy day. I stayed focused, made a plan of attack, and got everything done I needed to get done. Wait---except six sixty second commercials that start tomorrow on stations across the region. Oops! After a long day, I had no choice but to go back and get these finished...people were waiting on me....Oh the pressure! I finally left the studio shortly before 7pm. Uhhg!
Before I returned to the studio this evening, I enjoyed a nice dinner invitation from a friend who prepared a homemade shrimp linguine. The invitation included the question “Can you eat shrimp linguine?” My reply sometimes confuses people. “Oh, I can eat anything and everything.” Portion control is key here. I enjoyed a normal portion, nice and slow. It was amazing! And then I ate something I've never in my life tried. I ate asparagus. Well, I didn't want to be rude! You know me---I eat veggies, but a limited kind and limited amount. I've never been a huge fan of vegetables, And asparagus? I never thought I'd see the day it crossed my lips. I wish I could tell you that it was the most amazing first bite ever, and now I'm hooked on the stuff, but no. It was OK, and it looked great on the plate---but I'm still not a fan of these green little twigs. At least now I can say I tried it. Usually when I tell someone I don't like something, they ask “Have you ever tried it?” If I say no, then of course they start with the “then how do you know...?” routine. If I say I have tried it, then they'll go into “Well, you haven't tried it the way I fix it!” I'm really bad, like a little spoiled kid when it comes to food. I've never tried brussel sprouts, cauliflower, raw broccoli, or bean sprouts either. Never. And I'm not sure that will change. But maybe someday I'll turn into an adult and give some of these a shot. Nah, probably not.
It was a super long day with a workout just like yesterday. Stairs at the theatre...not bad a flight or two at a time, but over and over---that's a workout pure and simple. And it was a workout tonight. I hung out with friends until way late tonight. I dropped in bed shortly before midnight---making sure to set three alarms.
Amber is coming in tomorrow for spring break from school. I can't wait to see her!! We're going to have a blast! Alice In Wonderland in 3D is on the agenda this weekend, as is a trip to see the fam in Stillwater.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Emergency Breakfast and First Time Asparagus Experience
I slept sound last night. Too sound. I overslept horribly. It was a good thing I showered before bed! I must have really worked out harder than I realized with the stairs yesterday, because my body demanded and took the rest it needed. I didn't have time to fix coffee! I grabbed a banana on my way to the vehicle and a mad dash to the studio. I was hungry, horribly hungry, and a banana just wasn't going to be enough. So I quickly swung into a fast-food place for an order of plain scrambled eggs and a fruit and yogurt parfait—oh, and a coffee. I'm not mentioning the name of this place, but you already know. The mere mention of it disgust some, and I completely understand why---But--It was an emergency breakfast!
I really didn't have time to stop. But breakfast is just too important to me, and I made the best choices possible. I think I've finally 'trained' the early morning crew at this place. Usually they're out of the fruit and yogurt this early, telling me that the person who makes those doesn't arrive until 7am or so. Last time they told me this, I asked two pointed, yet polite questions. First---Does it really take a specially trained individual to put fruit and yogurt in a cup? And second---Am I the only early morning breakfast orderer in Ponca City that wants fruit and yogurt? They made them early today for some reason. Hmmm, maybe I made a good point...I really think they hate me there! The eggs and yogurt represented 300 calories to me, the banana—100, so 400 to start the day...that was good for my metabolism.
I knew from the start that today was going to be a really busy day. I stayed focused, made a plan of attack, and got everything done I needed to get done. Wait---except six sixty second commercials that start tomorrow on stations across the region. Oops! After a long day, I had no choice but to go back and get these finished...people were waiting on me....Oh the pressure! I finally left the studio shortly before 7pm. Uhhg!
Before I returned to the studio this evening, I enjoyed a nice dinner invitation from a friend who prepared a homemade shrimp linguine. The invitation included the question “Can you eat shrimp linguine?” My reply sometimes confuses people. “Oh, I can eat anything and everything.” Portion control is key here. I enjoyed a normal portion, nice and slow. It was amazing! And then I ate something I've never in my life tried. I ate asparagus. Well, I didn't want to be rude! You know me---I eat veggies, but a limited kind and limited amount. I've never been a huge fan of vegetables, And asparagus? I never thought I'd see the day it crossed my lips. I wish I could tell you that it was the most amazing first bite ever, and now I'm hooked on the stuff, but no. It was OK, and it looked great on the plate---but I'm still not a fan of these green little twigs. At least now I can say I tried it. Usually when I tell someone I don't like something, they ask “Have you ever tried it?” If I say no, then of course they start with the “then how do you know...?” routine. If I say I have tried it, then they'll go into “Well, you haven't tried it the way I fix it!” I'm really bad, like a little spoiled kid when it comes to food. I've never tried brussel sprouts, cauliflower, raw broccoli, or bean sprouts either. Never. And I'm not sure that will change. But maybe someday I'll turn into an adult and give some of these a shot. Nah, probably not.
It was a super long day with a workout just like yesterday. Stairs at the theatre...not bad a flight or two at a time, but over and over---that's a workout pure and simple. And it was a workout tonight. I hung out with friends until way late tonight. I dropped in bed shortly before midnight---making sure to set three alarms.
Amber is coming in tomorrow for spring break from school. I can't wait to see her!! We're going to have a blast! Alice In Wonderland in 3D is on the agenda this weekend, as is a trip to see the fam in Stillwater.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Day 542 I'm Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?
Day 542
I’m Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?
Thank you for all of the support after yesterday’s crazy post. I was just upset with myself and I was letting that anger flow through my mind and out onto the keyboard and screen. I was just expressing frustration. The truth of the matter is really simple: I’m doing great. I have been doing great. And I’ll continue to do great. This isn’t a “Biggest Loser Boot Camp,” its real life. And I’m finished beating myself up for what I perceive as lacking performance. I’m reaching my goals---and my workouts will improve dramatically. What I expressed yesterday wasn’t very nice to me. The e-mails of support were just amazing---and I haven’t had time to respond to all of them, but I will. And the comments---OK—most of the comments were wonderful.
The crazy comments concerning the tragic death of Corey Haim, well---let’s just say that I work with comedians around the studio…and nothing and no one is spared from their often-tasteless comedic wrath. But it did make me smile. So I give thanks to them as well. My mom was severely confused, calling me last night to make sure I was OK about the Haim situation. I love my momma!
Today I had the most exhausting and unconventional workout ever. I spent my workout time carrying boxes up stairs into the new offices of Team Radio. I lost count of the trips up and down. I was moving! And let me tell you something---It feels amazing to run up stairs carrying something heavy, get all the way to the top---and realize that I’m not out of breath. I mentioned to the owner, “I’d be dead if I still weighed over 500 pounds.” He replied: “If you still weighed over 500 pounds, I would have never asked for your help.” I didn’t realize just how good of a full body workout it was until I relaxed later. It was crazy tiredness. I was physically exhausted. BUT--I felt great! I needed that burst of endorphins today. It really helped change my attitude around dramatically. I’m overjoyed at the changes that I sometimes fail to recognize. I need to take stock of my success more often.
In reading my blog post from March 10th last year---I was reminded of how this blog has been a mix of emotions to write and experience. It made me laugh and then slammed me back down to a dramatic reality with the following post. But it’s all good! And I sincerely mean that. So before you read the following---and get into my head on what really kicked my mind in gear for this mission---I just wanted you to know: I’m feeling great now. Yeah, we're going through a divorce---and that sucks, but the sun is still shining. Everything is going to be splendid.
From Day 177 March 10th, 2009:
I made the mistake this evening of not wearing a belt to the YMCA for my treadmill workout. I spent the entire time pulling up my size 50's. They're just too big I tell ya! What a wonderful feeling to write those words about a size twelve sizes smaller than I had to wear 177 days ago. Every time I would pull 'em up, I'd feel like I was almost falling. My choice was simple: Risk falling by pulling up my pants or having my pants drop to my ankles in front of everyone. I think I would rather fall, because if I lost my pants they could get caught up in the belt moving at 4 mph. I could just see me laying on the floor in my underwear stuck to the machine because my pants have been sucked into the treadmill. I better make sure I wear a belt from now on. Oh the joys of losing weight!
It's amazing to me how hard it was to lose weight for all of those years. I knew, even at my largest, that losing weight would make me feel better than ever, but sometimes that's just not enough to get it going. Having a doctor tell me that I could die anytime and it wouldn't surprise her, still wasn't enough. If death isn't motivation enough to get busy, than what could possibly motivate me? It sounds crazy to say that I feared losing my family more than I feared death. But here's why: In my mind, dying was something tragic that happens to other people. Even though I believed the doctor when she said at over 500 pounds, it could easily happen to me too, I somehow was motivated more by the fear of my family falling apart. The mind is a complicated thing isn't it?
That's why it was so important for me to not only change my eating habits and activity, but I had to change my mind about food and exercise. I had to stop making excuses and thinking that I had all the time in the world to right the ship. I had to realize that at the rate I was going, I would have been making excuses and rationalizing bad choices right up until my dying day, all the while convinced I had time to get it right. The dangerously deceptive and optimistic thought of “I have plenty of time,” is exactly the thought that would allow me to remain out of control with food and lack of movement for all these years. My entire life I've been a procrastinator. Irene has recognized this for years. About my weight, she would ask me “you're going to wait until it's too late aren't you?” How could I have blamed her for not wanting to stick around to witness the very sad and tragic pattern that was slowly killing me?
She loves me too much to stand by and witness my slow and tragic suicide by gluttony, oh how she felt completely powerless to stop the inevitable outcome. I wish I could remember the exact words we shared on the night of September 13th, 2008. I thought we were happy and loving life until that night, or at least that's what I convinced myself we were doing. But there we were, in the guest room of my oldest daughters boyfriends parents house, just miles from Amber's college campus, having a conversation more powerful than all of the “death speeches” ever given me by doctors. My lovely wife, my high school sweetheart of nearly twenty years had reached her limit. She was reluctantly done. I say “reluctantly” because even at that moment, I knew she loved me deep. She loved me enough to leave me, in hopes that it would spark a life saving change in me. That's serious love my friend.
I remember thinking, “why here and now?” “What if they can hear us talking?” “Aren't we suppose to pretend to be perfect in front of other people?” “What are you doing Irene?” It was like she had zero control. She had reached her limit, and like a car out of fuel, she couldn't go another mile down this tragic dead end with me. My out of control obesity was like a senseless killing taking place right before her eyes, and she wanted no part of it. That was it.
So I started pleading and begging for one more chance to get it right. I remember trying to make her feel guilty by saying “So we have one off to college, but you don't want to stick it out and get the other one raised?” Then I stopped and realized that I was wrong. She wasn't crying mad/selfish tears, those were hurt/lovingly painful tears. At that very moment I had to accept 100% responsibility for the cliff my obesity had us hanging from. I must have given the best “I'll really do it this time” speech of my life, because it worked. The tears I cried while trying to talk her into giving me a 297th chance, were stinging far worse than any I cried on June 10th in the doctors office of doom and gloom. I meant every single word. I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew that I had to do it differently than any other attempt. I had to do it right. I had to truly make a lifestyle change that would last a lifetime, not just a temporary change with temporary results. The decision I made that night was iron clad. And I knew that I couldn't let any excuse or rationalization get in the way...the risk was just too great.
Yeah…well---there you have it. No seriously, I’m fine! Really…But I can’t help tearing up when I read that---I just can’t help it. I love my family and always will. I’m one of the luckiest men on the face of the earth despite the current circumstances. I really am---truly blessed…indeed.
I was so tired tonight---I collapsed and was out. I don’t remember setting my alarm or anything. That’s why this edition is being posted so late. I’m telling you, that workout today was incredible. And soon---our studios will be located in that historic theatre too, and I’ll have those stairs to use everyday. Oh…you can bet I’ll be using them, a lot.
By the way…I’m way behind in my blog reading, commenting, and e-mail replying. I’ve been absolutely swamped lately at work. I hope you understand. I’ll be around, you know that. I’m always here my friend.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
I’m Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?
Thank you for all of the support after yesterday’s crazy post. I was just upset with myself and I was letting that anger flow through my mind and out onto the keyboard and screen. I was just expressing frustration. The truth of the matter is really simple: I’m doing great. I have been doing great. And I’ll continue to do great. This isn’t a “Biggest Loser Boot Camp,” its real life. And I’m finished beating myself up for what I perceive as lacking performance. I’m reaching my goals---and my workouts will improve dramatically. What I expressed yesterday wasn’t very nice to me. The e-mails of support were just amazing---and I haven’t had time to respond to all of them, but I will. And the comments---OK—most of the comments were wonderful.
The crazy comments concerning the tragic death of Corey Haim, well---let’s just say that I work with comedians around the studio…and nothing and no one is spared from their often-tasteless comedic wrath. But it did make me smile. So I give thanks to them as well. My mom was severely confused, calling me last night to make sure I was OK about the Haim situation. I love my momma!
Today I had the most exhausting and unconventional workout ever. I spent my workout time carrying boxes up stairs into the new offices of Team Radio. I lost count of the trips up and down. I was moving! And let me tell you something---It feels amazing to run up stairs carrying something heavy, get all the way to the top---and realize that I’m not out of breath. I mentioned to the owner, “I’d be dead if I still weighed over 500 pounds.” He replied: “If you still weighed over 500 pounds, I would have never asked for your help.” I didn’t realize just how good of a full body workout it was until I relaxed later. It was crazy tiredness. I was physically exhausted. BUT--I felt great! I needed that burst of endorphins today. It really helped change my attitude around dramatically. I’m overjoyed at the changes that I sometimes fail to recognize. I need to take stock of my success more often.
In reading my blog post from March 10th last year---I was reminded of how this blog has been a mix of emotions to write and experience. It made me laugh and then slammed me back down to a dramatic reality with the following post. But it’s all good! And I sincerely mean that. So before you read the following---and get into my head on what really kicked my mind in gear for this mission---I just wanted you to know: I’m feeling great now. Yeah, we're going through a divorce---and that sucks, but the sun is still shining. Everything is going to be splendid.
From Day 177 March 10th, 2009:
I made the mistake this evening of not wearing a belt to the YMCA for my treadmill workout. I spent the entire time pulling up my size 50's. They're just too big I tell ya! What a wonderful feeling to write those words about a size twelve sizes smaller than I had to wear 177 days ago. Every time I would pull 'em up, I'd feel like I was almost falling. My choice was simple: Risk falling by pulling up my pants or having my pants drop to my ankles in front of everyone. I think I would rather fall, because if I lost my pants they could get caught up in the belt moving at 4 mph. I could just see me laying on the floor in my underwear stuck to the machine because my pants have been sucked into the treadmill. I better make sure I wear a belt from now on. Oh the joys of losing weight!
It's amazing to me how hard it was to lose weight for all of those years. I knew, even at my largest, that losing weight would make me feel better than ever, but sometimes that's just not enough to get it going. Having a doctor tell me that I could die anytime and it wouldn't surprise her, still wasn't enough. If death isn't motivation enough to get busy, than what could possibly motivate me? It sounds crazy to say that I feared losing my family more than I feared death. But here's why: In my mind, dying was something tragic that happens to other people. Even though I believed the doctor when she said at over 500 pounds, it could easily happen to me too, I somehow was motivated more by the fear of my family falling apart. The mind is a complicated thing isn't it?
That's why it was so important for me to not only change my eating habits and activity, but I had to change my mind about food and exercise. I had to stop making excuses and thinking that I had all the time in the world to right the ship. I had to realize that at the rate I was going, I would have been making excuses and rationalizing bad choices right up until my dying day, all the while convinced I had time to get it right. The dangerously deceptive and optimistic thought of “I have plenty of time,” is exactly the thought that would allow me to remain out of control with food and lack of movement for all these years. My entire life I've been a procrastinator. Irene has recognized this for years. About my weight, she would ask me “you're going to wait until it's too late aren't you?” How could I have blamed her for not wanting to stick around to witness the very sad and tragic pattern that was slowly killing me?
She loves me too much to stand by and witness my slow and tragic suicide by gluttony, oh how she felt completely powerless to stop the inevitable outcome. I wish I could remember the exact words we shared on the night of September 13th, 2008. I thought we were happy and loving life until that night, or at least that's what I convinced myself we were doing. But there we were, in the guest room of my oldest daughters boyfriends parents house, just miles from Amber's college campus, having a conversation more powerful than all of the “death speeches” ever given me by doctors. My lovely wife, my high school sweetheart of nearly twenty years had reached her limit. She was reluctantly done. I say “reluctantly” because even at that moment, I knew she loved me deep. She loved me enough to leave me, in hopes that it would spark a life saving change in me. That's serious love my friend.
I remember thinking, “why here and now?” “What if they can hear us talking?” “Aren't we suppose to pretend to be perfect in front of other people?” “What are you doing Irene?” It was like she had zero control. She had reached her limit, and like a car out of fuel, she couldn't go another mile down this tragic dead end with me. My out of control obesity was like a senseless killing taking place right before her eyes, and she wanted no part of it. That was it.
So I started pleading and begging for one more chance to get it right. I remember trying to make her feel guilty by saying “So we have one off to college, but you don't want to stick it out and get the other one raised?” Then I stopped and realized that I was wrong. She wasn't crying mad/selfish tears, those were hurt/lovingly painful tears. At that very moment I had to accept 100% responsibility for the cliff my obesity had us hanging from. I must have given the best “I'll really do it this time” speech of my life, because it worked. The tears I cried while trying to talk her into giving me a 297th chance, were stinging far worse than any I cried on June 10th in the doctors office of doom and gloom. I meant every single word. I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew that I had to do it differently than any other attempt. I had to do it right. I had to truly make a lifestyle change that would last a lifetime, not just a temporary change with temporary results. The decision I made that night was iron clad. And I knew that I couldn't let any excuse or rationalization get in the way...the risk was just too great.
Yeah…well---there you have it. No seriously, I’m fine! Really…But I can’t help tearing up when I read that---I just can’t help it. I love my family and always will. I’m one of the luckiest men on the face of the earth despite the current circumstances. I really am---truly blessed…indeed.
I was so tired tonight---I collapsed and was out. I don’t remember setting my alarm or anything. That’s why this edition is being posted so late. I’m telling you, that workout today was incredible. And soon---our studios will be located in that historic theatre too, and I’ll have those stairs to use everyday. Oh…you can bet I’ll be using them, a lot.
By the way…I’m way behind in my blog reading, commenting, and e-mail replying. I’ve been absolutely swamped lately at work. I hope you understand. I’ll be around, you know that. I’m always here my friend.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…
Good Choices,
Sean
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Day 541 Mediocrity Isn't Acceptable Effort and Mistaken For The "Old" Sean
Day 541
Mediocrity Isn't Acceptable Effort and Mistaken For The “Old” Sean
I woke up with a real attitude problem today. I didn't go straight to the floor for my sit-ups and then to my chair for the non-weighted squats. No, not this morning. I was severely upset with someone. So I huffed and puffed my way to the kitchen to start the coffee, grabbed the eggs and a pita bread, started cooking, and all the while with a big grumpy scowl on my face. You know, promises were made to me---and when someone gives me their word, I trust that they'll keep it. The coffee tasted good. I prepared a breakfast taco with the pita using two scrambled whole eggs and salsa—no cheese. You know what I mean? When you count on someone to come through, live up to their part of the bargain, do what's right...and then they don't? And then you have to see them everyday---looking at you, yeah---look at them, they know you're disappointed...and they care. At least I think they do, or else they're really good at looking like they care. Seriously---How much do I have to do for this guy to get a little cooperation in return? I've changed this guy's life in so many ways, flat-out saved him from a certain early death and this is the appreciation he gives? What an ungrateful lump. He has so much potential---but if he doesn't get it together and really focus on important elements of his development, then I guess mediocrity and less than his best will be the nagging acceptable existence that he must live with---knowing what he could do, but not loving himself enough to do it---to be it---to claim what is right in front of his lazy, ungrateful hands. Sorry I'm venting here---but you see--the schedule is set, we both know what needs to be done, what must be done---and then he doesn't give me 110%, not even 25%? Not acceptable. Oh wow...it's frustrating, maddening sometimes really. Especially when the person that let you down...is you.
Yeah---I had a pretty tough session with my thoughts last night. I've slipped into a comfort zone—where the workouts are never too much and the schedule is always flexible, regardless of the consequences---even if it means being inconsistent. You know how I feel about consistency. Without consistency---I wouldn't be where I am along this road. I've come a very long way with consistency. I can't stop being consistent now. I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know what I want, it's right there for the taking if I'm willing to put in the work. OK—I'm done now. Done with this attitude problem. I'm ready to proceed---let's do this! Shall we? Oh you bet we will---all the way my friend. All the way!
Today was packed at the studio. A full production load that I've allowed to build, coupled with a three hour remote broadcast in the middle of the day. This was going to be one of those days. It's much easier to handle a busy day at 263 than it ever was at 505. I can breathe now. I can run if I need to run. I feel a confidence in my appearance like I've never felt before.
The broadcast was from a truck supply store. Great business, super people, and lots of good food. It was a grand opening---complete with barbecue and cake, and a huge turnout of trucking industry people. I even enjoyed a small plate of the barbecue, but I skipped the cake. They gave me a Peterbilt trucker hat and a pullover---it was nice. I tried the hat on several different ways before concluding that I'm just not a hat person. I use to wear hats all the time as a teenager...but no---oh, I don't know---I might have to put it on and snap a few “trucker hat” pictures---and I'll let you be the judge. Trust me...not a hat person, me---nope.
I ran into a friend at the broadcast who has struggled horribly with obesity. He told me about something that had happened to him recently. He was in a restaurant and someone mistook him for the “old” Sean. Obviously the person making this mistake hadn't laid eyes on me in some time---or on him, because she was convinced he was me, the old 500 pound me. When the mistaken lady's husband tried to correct her, she made it worse by saying “no, that's Sean...because that other guy isn't that big.” That might not be an exact quote, but still...Ouch. I told my friend that I was sorry that he experienced that situation—and I felt horrible for enjoying the story at his expense---because as much as it made me feel bad for him, it also made me smile. Well---that smile consumed me with guilt all afternoon. I finally called him and apologized, even though I'm pretty sure he was OK with me. I assured him that if he needs anything, any help, any words—anything I can do to help him get to this place...he has my number. And I know he reads this blog everyday. You know you have it in you my friend.
I read day 176 today from March 9th, 2009. Here's an excerpt from that day:
I use my calories each day like they're cash money. I'm handed 1,500 calories to spend how ever I want each day. If I want them to last throughout the entire day, then I have to budget them accordingly. If I want to blow them all by 1pm, then I have to live broke the rest of the day, because the Calorie Bank and Trust will be closed until the next morning. I'll eat whatever I want, I will and do, but using this approach forces me to make better “calorie value” choices. This cautious budgeting is what causes me to say “no butter” and “easy on the sauce, please” and “Mustard instead of mayo” or “Miracle Whip instead of real mayo.” This “calories like cash” method is why I say “hold the honey mustard” on that grilled chicken wrap. On the other hand, it allows me the freedom to say... “sure, I'll take a serving of sour cream on my potato.” Good choices are what it's all about. Some people ask me “How do you know the calories in everything?” I don't! I have to read the labels and if I don't have a label to read, say at a restaurant, I ask for a nutrition guide. If a nutrition guide isn't available I Google it. Just type in the food followed by the word calories on the Google home page and you'll find it, it's never failed me yet. Sometimes, if I'm not around a computer and I don't have any way of determining an accurate calorie count before consumption, I'll make the best educated guess possible. These educated guesses are based on my calorie counting experiences of like items or like ingredients. For example, remember me mentioning that I was completely in the dark about the calories in the stuffed mushrooms at Olive Garden? I made an educated guess of 60 calories for each little mushroom. I honestly thought if anything, I'd be over estimating with 60. Turns out that I was too low. Each one, on average, checks in at 68 calories according to a calorie counting website I found by Google searching those tasty little things. But I was close! If you're not comfortable enough with computers to Google search foods, then buy a calorie counting book, a big thick comprehensive one, not the little super market checkout booklets, those may not have everything.
Aside from the important mental exercises that are crucial to changing bad behavior patterns, one of the most important things I can say to someone starting on this road to a healthier life is this: Eat! Don't ever look at food as the enemy. Food is our friend. Our bodies need nutrition to properly function. It kills me when someone tells me they're losing weight because “I just don't eat.” How long can you “just not eat?” You have to be big enough to admit that food hasn't been the problem in your obesity struggles, you have been the problem. Food is our friend. I knew that if I really wanted long term success I had to start having a healthy friendship with food. Some skeptics, the cynics might say... “how many more pounds you have to lose Sean?” “that's what I thought, yeah, listen---why don't you lose it all, then call me in five years and tell me where you are.” OK. I'll do that. That's cool. I'm simply saying, that if we change our minds and we embrace a healthy understanding and relationship with food, not just go through the motions needed to lose, I'm talking really change our way of thinking about nutrition and exercise...then how can we go wrong? We can't.
I skipped the weight training tonight and did the morning routine of non-weighted strength training before going outside for a quick 5K walk/jog right before bed. I don't want to wake up with the attitude I had today. That wasn't fun. I want to smile and be positive---and confidently make my way through this part of a wonderful journey. With a consistent effort and a tighter grip on time management skills and sleep schedules---I just might surprise myself with how far I can go. I'm buckled in for a good long trip. Click your belt and let's do this, ok?
Thanks for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Mediocrity Isn't Acceptable Effort and Mistaken For The “Old” Sean
I woke up with a real attitude problem today. I didn't go straight to the floor for my sit-ups and then to my chair for the non-weighted squats. No, not this morning. I was severely upset with someone. So I huffed and puffed my way to the kitchen to start the coffee, grabbed the eggs and a pita bread, started cooking, and all the while with a big grumpy scowl on my face. You know, promises were made to me---and when someone gives me their word, I trust that they'll keep it. The coffee tasted good. I prepared a breakfast taco with the pita using two scrambled whole eggs and salsa—no cheese. You know what I mean? When you count on someone to come through, live up to their part of the bargain, do what's right...and then they don't? And then you have to see them everyday---looking at you, yeah---look at them, they know you're disappointed...and they care. At least I think they do, or else they're really good at looking like they care. Seriously---How much do I have to do for this guy to get a little cooperation in return? I've changed this guy's life in so many ways, flat-out saved him from a certain early death and this is the appreciation he gives? What an ungrateful lump. He has so much potential---but if he doesn't get it together and really focus on important elements of his development, then I guess mediocrity and less than his best will be the nagging acceptable existence that he must live with---knowing what he could do, but not loving himself enough to do it---to be it---to claim what is right in front of his lazy, ungrateful hands. Sorry I'm venting here---but you see--the schedule is set, we both know what needs to be done, what must be done---and then he doesn't give me 110%, not even 25%? Not acceptable. Oh wow...it's frustrating, maddening sometimes really. Especially when the person that let you down...is you.
Yeah---I had a pretty tough session with my thoughts last night. I've slipped into a comfort zone—where the workouts are never too much and the schedule is always flexible, regardless of the consequences---even if it means being inconsistent. You know how I feel about consistency. Without consistency---I wouldn't be where I am along this road. I've come a very long way with consistency. I can't stop being consistent now. I know what to do, I know how to do it, I know what I want, it's right there for the taking if I'm willing to put in the work. OK—I'm done now. Done with this attitude problem. I'm ready to proceed---let's do this! Shall we? Oh you bet we will---all the way my friend. All the way!
Today was packed at the studio. A full production load that I've allowed to build, coupled with a three hour remote broadcast in the middle of the day. This was going to be one of those days. It's much easier to handle a busy day at 263 than it ever was at 505. I can breathe now. I can run if I need to run. I feel a confidence in my appearance like I've never felt before.
The broadcast was from a truck supply store. Great business, super people, and lots of good food. It was a grand opening---complete with barbecue and cake, and a huge turnout of trucking industry people. I even enjoyed a small plate of the barbecue, but I skipped the cake. They gave me a Peterbilt trucker hat and a pullover---it was nice. I tried the hat on several different ways before concluding that I'm just not a hat person. I use to wear hats all the time as a teenager...but no---oh, I don't know---I might have to put it on and snap a few “trucker hat” pictures---and I'll let you be the judge. Trust me...not a hat person, me---nope.
I ran into a friend at the broadcast who has struggled horribly with obesity. He told me about something that had happened to him recently. He was in a restaurant and someone mistook him for the “old” Sean. Obviously the person making this mistake hadn't laid eyes on me in some time---or on him, because she was convinced he was me, the old 500 pound me. When the mistaken lady's husband tried to correct her, she made it worse by saying “no, that's Sean...because that other guy isn't that big.” That might not be an exact quote, but still...Ouch. I told my friend that I was sorry that he experienced that situation—and I felt horrible for enjoying the story at his expense---because as much as it made me feel bad for him, it also made me smile. Well---that smile consumed me with guilt all afternoon. I finally called him and apologized, even though I'm pretty sure he was OK with me. I assured him that if he needs anything, any help, any words—anything I can do to help him get to this place...he has my number. And I know he reads this blog everyday. You know you have it in you my friend.
I read day 176 today from March 9th, 2009. Here's an excerpt from that day:
I use my calories each day like they're cash money. I'm handed 1,500 calories to spend how ever I want each day. If I want them to last throughout the entire day, then I have to budget them accordingly. If I want to blow them all by 1pm, then I have to live broke the rest of the day, because the Calorie Bank and Trust will be closed until the next morning. I'll eat whatever I want, I will and do, but using this approach forces me to make better “calorie value” choices. This cautious budgeting is what causes me to say “no butter” and “easy on the sauce, please” and “Mustard instead of mayo” or “Miracle Whip instead of real mayo.” This “calories like cash” method is why I say “hold the honey mustard” on that grilled chicken wrap. On the other hand, it allows me the freedom to say... “sure, I'll take a serving of sour cream on my potato.” Good choices are what it's all about. Some people ask me “How do you know the calories in everything?” I don't! I have to read the labels and if I don't have a label to read, say at a restaurant, I ask for a nutrition guide. If a nutrition guide isn't available I Google it. Just type in the food followed by the word calories on the Google home page and you'll find it, it's never failed me yet. Sometimes, if I'm not around a computer and I don't have any way of determining an accurate calorie count before consumption, I'll make the best educated guess possible. These educated guesses are based on my calorie counting experiences of like items or like ingredients. For example, remember me mentioning that I was completely in the dark about the calories in the stuffed mushrooms at Olive Garden? I made an educated guess of 60 calories for each little mushroom. I honestly thought if anything, I'd be over estimating with 60. Turns out that I was too low. Each one, on average, checks in at 68 calories according to a calorie counting website I found by Google searching those tasty little things. But I was close! If you're not comfortable enough with computers to Google search foods, then buy a calorie counting book, a big thick comprehensive one, not the little super market checkout booklets, those may not have everything.
Aside from the important mental exercises that are crucial to changing bad behavior patterns, one of the most important things I can say to someone starting on this road to a healthier life is this: Eat! Don't ever look at food as the enemy. Food is our friend. Our bodies need nutrition to properly function. It kills me when someone tells me they're losing weight because “I just don't eat.” How long can you “just not eat?” You have to be big enough to admit that food hasn't been the problem in your obesity struggles, you have been the problem. Food is our friend. I knew that if I really wanted long term success I had to start having a healthy friendship with food. Some skeptics, the cynics might say... “how many more pounds you have to lose Sean?” “that's what I thought, yeah, listen---why don't you lose it all, then call me in five years and tell me where you are.” OK. I'll do that. That's cool. I'm simply saying, that if we change our minds and we embrace a healthy understanding and relationship with food, not just go through the motions needed to lose, I'm talking really change our way of thinking about nutrition and exercise...then how can we go wrong? We can't.
I skipped the weight training tonight and did the morning routine of non-weighted strength training before going outside for a quick 5K walk/jog right before bed. I don't want to wake up with the attitude I had today. That wasn't fun. I want to smile and be positive---and confidently make my way through this part of a wonderful journey. With a consistent effort and a tighter grip on time management skills and sleep schedules---I just might surprise myself with how far I can go. I'm buckled in for a good long trip. Click your belt and let's do this, ok?
Thanks for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
Day 540 Evolving Food Choices, Chocolate, and The Mirror Tonight
Day 540
Evolving Food Choices, Chocolate, and The Mirror Tonight
I eat a banana everyday, sometimes I eat two. Bananas are often the first thing I put in my grocery basket. If you run into me at the store, chances are good you'll find bananas, eggs, mushrooms, mozzarella, tomato sauce, chicken breast, and if I'm inside one store in particular, then you'll find steel cut oats. I'm such a creature of habit! These items have become staples for me and further, have become a sign that my choices have evolved. I grabbed a couple of pears at the store recently too. I love pears! I have no idea why I haven't had them on a more regular basis. I always enjoyed them from a can in the past. Today I took a knife to work and cut up a fresh pear during my show. Nothing like a fresh pear, especially if it's a little soft. Last night I found myself gazing lovingly at the steaks. I hardly ever eat red meat anymore. But don't think I'm doing this stuff on purpose...I'm just developing different habits in a very gradual, natural way. And with warmer weather around the corner, I'll be firing up some red meat real soon on that grill of mine, you just hide and watch!
Those M&M's I enjoyed last night, well---they must have sparked a bigger inner desire for chocolate than I thought. Today I found myself wanting more. It was mid-day at work and it just hit me: I need chocolate! I didn't have any. But wait! Right above a co-workers desk, there's a basket of tiny Dove dark chocolate hearts. This co-worker is very generous and always says “help yourself,” and I hardly ever do. The first time she offered me one---I asked to see the bag they came out of first. 42 calories each. OK---I have to know how good these really are, you know? Today---I grabbed one. Then twenty minutes later I grabbed another. Then thirty minutes later I walked back there to her desk, looked at them, started to grab another 42 calorie shot of chocolate---and then I stopped myself. 84 calories was enough to invest in chocolate today. But man...sometimes that craving is so strong, it's hard to walk away. Then of course my brain starts trying to rationalize the choice. Sean, go ahead guy---do it, besides—-it's dark chocolate and full of antioxidants! See, it's good for you, you need this chocolate for health reasons! Hogwash—truth is, it didn't matter what kind of chocolate it was---I would have still been drawn to it today. I think about my old habits and how much better it is to grab a couple of 42 calorie pieces of chocolate instead of a king size Snickers bar. Yeah---Haven't had a king size Snickers Bar in a very long time. Well...think about it, it's just a horrible calorie value...really. I doubt I'll ever invest that many calories in a candy bar ever again. But a normal size Snickers? Oh---probably at some point. I've had two or three in the last 540 days.
While doing the weight machines today, I noticed my abs like never before. No---I didn't see them, but I will someday. I could feel them. They're strong and built. Who knew? They've been covered for so long...built by their role in helping me carry around over 500 pounds for the majority of my adult life. This machine that isolates the abs---Oh my...I love it! It's going to be a while before these abs are ready for a coming out party, and that's ok. It's just nice to know they're in there. I knew that already really...but this machine, wow--what a wonderful reminder!
I had a good nap this evening and then enjoyed a great dinner. I prepared a grilled chicken breast atop a bed of whole wheat spaghetti---and then topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella. It was a great meal and at 530 calories, it was a dinner I could be proud of. That's important really. It really wasn't important to me in the beginning, and some days it still isn't--But being proud of my choices makes me feel great. And when it comes to food, I feel great the majority of the time.
Before bed tonight, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and just stared at myself. This is me isn't it? I feel like that kid in the youtube video after a dentist visit... Is this real life? And I know it is---it's wonderful really. Like a dream come true. No wonder I find it hard to push myself sometimes. This transformation has reached a point of comfort and ease---and then dealing with these fascinating glares into the mirror---seeing a version of myself I've never known. It's very tricky psychologically. I need to seriously get over this little comfort zone and get to where I really want to be. This isn't it. As good as I feel, this isn't where it's stopping. I deserve to reach my fitness goals. But you understand right? When 263 pounds at 6 foot 3 is pretty decent, and it's such a dramatic difference from 505---it's so easy to be satisfied. I fight that satisfaction every day. I've often written about "the line of least resistance," and how it kept me dangerously close to an early death for years. Now, that line keeps me far away from my fitness goals. Of course, all I have to do is get undressed to be reminded why I must push myself harder. Thank goodness for clothing.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Evolving Food Choices, Chocolate, and The Mirror Tonight
I eat a banana everyday, sometimes I eat two. Bananas are often the first thing I put in my grocery basket. If you run into me at the store, chances are good you'll find bananas, eggs, mushrooms, mozzarella, tomato sauce, chicken breast, and if I'm inside one store in particular, then you'll find steel cut oats. I'm such a creature of habit! These items have become staples for me and further, have become a sign that my choices have evolved. I grabbed a couple of pears at the store recently too. I love pears! I have no idea why I haven't had them on a more regular basis. I always enjoyed them from a can in the past. Today I took a knife to work and cut up a fresh pear during my show. Nothing like a fresh pear, especially if it's a little soft. Last night I found myself gazing lovingly at the steaks. I hardly ever eat red meat anymore. But don't think I'm doing this stuff on purpose...I'm just developing different habits in a very gradual, natural way. And with warmer weather around the corner, I'll be firing up some red meat real soon on that grill of mine, you just hide and watch!
Those M&M's I enjoyed last night, well---they must have sparked a bigger inner desire for chocolate than I thought. Today I found myself wanting more. It was mid-day at work and it just hit me: I need chocolate! I didn't have any. But wait! Right above a co-workers desk, there's a basket of tiny Dove dark chocolate hearts. This co-worker is very generous and always says “help yourself,” and I hardly ever do. The first time she offered me one---I asked to see the bag they came out of first. 42 calories each. OK---I have to know how good these really are, you know? Today---I grabbed one. Then twenty minutes later I grabbed another. Then thirty minutes later I walked back there to her desk, looked at them, started to grab another 42 calorie shot of chocolate---and then I stopped myself. 84 calories was enough to invest in chocolate today. But man...sometimes that craving is so strong, it's hard to walk away. Then of course my brain starts trying to rationalize the choice. Sean, go ahead guy---do it, besides—-it's dark chocolate and full of antioxidants! See, it's good for you, you need this chocolate for health reasons! Hogwash—truth is, it didn't matter what kind of chocolate it was---I would have still been drawn to it today. I think about my old habits and how much better it is to grab a couple of 42 calorie pieces of chocolate instead of a king size Snickers bar. Yeah---Haven't had a king size Snickers Bar in a very long time. Well...think about it, it's just a horrible calorie value...really. I doubt I'll ever invest that many calories in a candy bar ever again. But a normal size Snickers? Oh---probably at some point. I've had two or three in the last 540 days.
While doing the weight machines today, I noticed my abs like never before. No---I didn't see them, but I will someday. I could feel them. They're strong and built. Who knew? They've been covered for so long...built by their role in helping me carry around over 500 pounds for the majority of my adult life. This machine that isolates the abs---Oh my...I love it! It's going to be a while before these abs are ready for a coming out party, and that's ok. It's just nice to know they're in there. I knew that already really...but this machine, wow--what a wonderful reminder!
I had a good nap this evening and then enjoyed a great dinner. I prepared a grilled chicken breast atop a bed of whole wheat spaghetti---and then topped with tomato sauce and mozzarella. It was a great meal and at 530 calories, it was a dinner I could be proud of. That's important really. It really wasn't important to me in the beginning, and some days it still isn't--But being proud of my choices makes me feel great. And when it comes to food, I feel great the majority of the time.
Before bed tonight, I stood in front of my bathroom mirror and just stared at myself. This is me isn't it? I feel like that kid in the youtube video after a dentist visit... Is this real life? And I know it is---it's wonderful really. Like a dream come true. No wonder I find it hard to push myself sometimes. This transformation has reached a point of comfort and ease---and then dealing with these fascinating glares into the mirror---seeing a version of myself I've never known. It's very tricky psychologically. I need to seriously get over this little comfort zone and get to where I really want to be. This isn't it. As good as I feel, this isn't where it's stopping. I deserve to reach my fitness goals. But you understand right? When 263 pounds at 6 foot 3 is pretty decent, and it's such a dramatic difference from 505---it's so easy to be satisfied. I fight that satisfaction every day. I've often written about "the line of least resistance," and how it kept me dangerously close to an early death for years. Now, that line keeps me far away from my fitness goals. Of course, all I have to do is get undressed to be reminded why I must push myself harder. Thank goodness for clothing.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Monday, March 8, 2010
Day 539 A Good Sunday and M&M's Too
Day 539
A Good Sunday and M&M's Too
Sunday was a good day, despite the fact that I wasn't able to make it to Stillwater for the Anderson Family Oscar party. I've missed maybe four or five of these my entire life. I was meeting with a friend today that offered to fix my front brakes. I wasn't able to meet until late with him, so I decided it better to wait until another time for the trip South.
I enjoyed a good breakfast and a decent workout this morning. Ok...I say “morning,” when actually it was early afternoon, but it was still good. I'm feeling so good about so many things directly ahead for me, and at the same time I'm often consumed with stress over other issues. New paragraph!
I realized one of my problems today. Problems? Yes, problems. You see...there are certain things I do not write about, because it wouldn't be appropriate. I do not write about my new experiences in dating and I do not write about personal financial issues. Let's just say that going through a divorce can create a whole new world of stressful issues, and it has. But I can't write about those here, so instead I internalize those things, sit and simmer over them, and that can't be healthy. I may start a private journal for my eyes and therapy only. One of the biggest things I've discovered along this weight loss road is how important sorting everything out through writing can be. I'm a writer, a communicator, and a thinker---sometimes I think too much, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. It's certainly helped me unlock my weight loss potential.
I stopped by the store this evening to pick up some pears and steel cut oats. In the checkout line I grabbed a small package of peanut M&M's. 250 calories worth of candy coated chocolaty-peanutty goodness. I allowed for this, put it in my calorie budget, and slowly enjoyed the indulgence while watching the last 45 minutes of the Oscars telecast. Oscar parties are a tradition in the Anderson family, and the snack table was always full. I've made myself sick in years past—loading up on all of the goodies several times during the awards. I think I often looked forward to the snack fest more than I did the awards. Not tonight. I enjoyed my candy and I enjoyed the big categories with a peaceful confidence that my days of gorging on junk are over. It would have been more enjoyable with company, but it was nice really.
In my daily exercise of reading a post from the previous year---I found that March 7th, 2009 was the big Amber-daddy day! We conquered Olive Garden that night! That's right---Olive Garden on a calorie budget. They said it couldn't be done...Oh yeah? Watch us! I've attached a couple of the On The Go Videos of that night below. It was a fabulous time indeed! Here's an excerpt from that days blog:
In our excellent adventure, we wanted to do something we had never done together, or otherwise. We decided that we should release some aggression and fire a real handgun. First of all, I don’t like guns. Never have, probably never will. I don’t own one, I’ve never wanted one, and I don’t plan on owning one ever. I doubt that will change. And it’s not the guns that make me nervous, it’s the people holding them. Ok, it’s the guns too. My extreme caution tonight at the gun range might have been comical to some, but I wasn’t trying to be. We handled that gun like the entire world depended on it’s safety and containment. Like it was some kind of global threat that we were responsible for keeping in check. After careful instruction on how to load the ten round clip, and some basic safety precautions, we made our way onto the range with the biggest, well, the only gun we’ve ever handled, a powerful and rugged looking .22 pistol with a clip, just like in the movies! As soon as we walked in the range area we were startled by what must have been a cannon firing in bay number 7. That gun had a blast that you felt vibrate in your bones. We jumped like scared little rabbits, then gave each other a look of “should we really be here?” But we had come this far, so we made our way into bay number 12 and loaded up, still jumping everytime Dirty Harry in bay 7 jerked his iron. We must have provided some comic relief to every gun enthusiast on the range. Because they weren’t jumping at all. After fumbling with the bullets, and treating each one like it could “go off” any second like a short-fast fuse on a firecracker, we were fully loaded and ready. Then, we busted some caps! It was amazing! After squeezing off the first clip full, our nerves were gone, and we settled in and enjoyed the experience. After 100 rounds, I’m still not convinced I’ll ever own one, but it was certainly an experience Amber and I will never forget as long as we live.
Despite every reason to not feel my best, I feel pretty good. I'm so glad I am where I am. I don't think I could handle everything as well if I were still a 500 pound man. I feel like I'm free to fly at 263. It's really an incredible feeling.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Video from exactly one year ago. Olive Garden... No problem!
Watch out! She's got a gun!
A Good Sunday and M&M's Too
Sunday was a good day, despite the fact that I wasn't able to make it to Stillwater for the Anderson Family Oscar party. I've missed maybe four or five of these my entire life. I was meeting with a friend today that offered to fix my front brakes. I wasn't able to meet until late with him, so I decided it better to wait until another time for the trip South.
I enjoyed a good breakfast and a decent workout this morning. Ok...I say “morning,” when actually it was early afternoon, but it was still good. I'm feeling so good about so many things directly ahead for me, and at the same time I'm often consumed with stress over other issues. New paragraph!
I realized one of my problems today. Problems? Yes, problems. You see...there are certain things I do not write about, because it wouldn't be appropriate. I do not write about my new experiences in dating and I do not write about personal financial issues. Let's just say that going through a divorce can create a whole new world of stressful issues, and it has. But I can't write about those here, so instead I internalize those things, sit and simmer over them, and that can't be healthy. I may start a private journal for my eyes and therapy only. One of the biggest things I've discovered along this weight loss road is how important sorting everything out through writing can be. I'm a writer, a communicator, and a thinker---sometimes I think too much, but sometimes that's not a bad thing. It's certainly helped me unlock my weight loss potential.
I stopped by the store this evening to pick up some pears and steel cut oats. In the checkout line I grabbed a small package of peanut M&M's. 250 calories worth of candy coated chocolaty-peanutty goodness. I allowed for this, put it in my calorie budget, and slowly enjoyed the indulgence while watching the last 45 minutes of the Oscars telecast. Oscar parties are a tradition in the Anderson family, and the snack table was always full. I've made myself sick in years past—loading up on all of the goodies several times during the awards. I think I often looked forward to the snack fest more than I did the awards. Not tonight. I enjoyed my candy and I enjoyed the big categories with a peaceful confidence that my days of gorging on junk are over. It would have been more enjoyable with company, but it was nice really.
In my daily exercise of reading a post from the previous year---I found that March 7th, 2009 was the big Amber-daddy day! We conquered Olive Garden that night! That's right---Olive Garden on a calorie budget. They said it couldn't be done...Oh yeah? Watch us! I've attached a couple of the On The Go Videos of that night below. It was a fabulous time indeed! Here's an excerpt from that days blog:
In our excellent adventure, we wanted to do something we had never done together, or otherwise. We decided that we should release some aggression and fire a real handgun. First of all, I don’t like guns. Never have, probably never will. I don’t own one, I’ve never wanted one, and I don’t plan on owning one ever. I doubt that will change. And it’s not the guns that make me nervous, it’s the people holding them. Ok, it’s the guns too. My extreme caution tonight at the gun range might have been comical to some, but I wasn’t trying to be. We handled that gun like the entire world depended on it’s safety and containment. Like it was some kind of global threat that we were responsible for keeping in check. After careful instruction on how to load the ten round clip, and some basic safety precautions, we made our way onto the range with the biggest, well, the only gun we’ve ever handled, a powerful and rugged looking .22 pistol with a clip, just like in the movies! As soon as we walked in the range area we were startled by what must have been a cannon firing in bay number 7. That gun had a blast that you felt vibrate in your bones. We jumped like scared little rabbits, then gave each other a look of “should we really be here?” But we had come this far, so we made our way into bay number 12 and loaded up, still jumping everytime Dirty Harry in bay 7 jerked his iron. We must have provided some comic relief to every gun enthusiast on the range. Because they weren’t jumping at all. After fumbling with the bullets, and treating each one like it could “go off” any second like a short-fast fuse on a firecracker, we were fully loaded and ready. Then, we busted some caps! It was amazing! After squeezing off the first clip full, our nerves were gone, and we settled in and enjoyed the experience. After 100 rounds, I’m still not convinced I’ll ever own one, but it was certainly an experience Amber and I will never forget as long as we live.
Despite every reason to not feel my best, I feel pretty good. I'm so glad I am where I am. I don't think I could handle everything as well if I were still a 500 pound man. I feel like I'm free to fly at 263. It's really an incredible feeling.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Video from exactly one year ago. Olive Garden... No problem!
Watch out! She's got a gun!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
Day 538 Crazy Irony and Was It Something I Said?
Day 538
Crazy Irony and Was It Something I Said?
I spent so much time writing today that I completely let the YMCA close without my weight training. How crazy ironic is that? I spend so much time writing this blog, a blog about consistency in portion control and exercise---and the mental aspects of keeping it all together, and then I let that keep me from being consistent and true to myself. Hmmmm. Time management is one of the hardest things along this road, for me at least.
I fell asleep in my “big man's” recliner last night. I really get upset with myself when I do this. I should have never jumped into that big thing. Straight to bed should have been my move...I was so exhausted, I was. It was a long Friday. By sleeping sitting up, I made my neck hurt and I wrecked my Saturday routine by finally going to bed just after 7am. I slept in a horizontal position until nearly noon. OK---I need to get past this, learn from it, and make a note: When I'm super tired, stay away from the recliner!
It is a “Big Man's” recliner from Lazy Boy...but the funny thing is this: It was always Irene's chair before. That's where she lounged in the living room of our old house. Why didn't I lay claim to the thing? Because at my heaviest, I was too big! Seriously...Too big for a “Big Man's” recliner!!! Isn't that something. Had I regularly tried to sit in that chair, it would be trashed---because I guarantee I would have busted the thing. Now it's my favorite chair, because I look little in the thing, swallowed by it's over-sized design. That's very cool.
Yesterday's blog posting was long and detailed, and the hope is—that you understood from where I was coming. If you didn't, that's too bad. I must stop worrying about making everyone happy all the time. After posting yesterday's epic post---I lost two followers. They were done. And it may not have been because of that post---maybe they just closed their blog or something. Of course I naturally think it's because of something I said. Maybe my honest evaluation scared them a little, perhaps made them doubt their own approach—whatever. I just speak the truth as it applies to my journey and discovery along this road. You may agree or not. It doesn't change what is and I will never change my writing style or the truth, just to please everyone. If you can't take it, don't read. I'm still going to write this same blog even if nobody reads...which up until nearly day 300—that was close to the case. Seriously---go back into the archives and count the number of post (some are favorites of mine that really helped me) with zero comments. I had just a handful of regular readers. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. I sincerely appreciate the outpouring of support I've received...You absolutely lift me up. So don't ever think I don't value that support. It all goes back to the point: This blog is first and foremost for my benefit. I write it to help me understand me. If it helps you too, then that's the mushrooms on the pita! I was going to say “That's the icing on the cake,” but well...
Tonight I was the MC of the Poncan Opry musical variety show. The crowd was big and the band was on fire! The last time I did this was in November of 2008 on Day 69. I had lost over 60 pounds at that point, and in going back and reading the post from that night---even that made a huge difference. Here's an excerpt from that day:
This evening I hosted The Poncan Opry Branson style variety show at the historic Poncan Theatre. The last time I performed on that stage was June, and I weighed over 500 pounds for that one. What a huge difference it was tonight. The weight I've lost allows me to breath properly, to walk normally, to really get into my performance. I remember back in June how hard it was to focus on my set and delivery because I was consumed with my breathing and mobility. The excess weight was finally having a profound effect on my stage presence, but not tonight. Sure, I can't wait to dress better, and that too will send me and my performance skills up a few levels, but I can't complain about how wonderful I felt tonight on that stage. Lifting 60 plus pounds off my body makes a huge difference in everything I do, and I mean everything. When I think about how far I've come in the last 69 days, and how far I have to go, I get really excited. Because, and I've said this before, if I feel this good now, how will I feel at 230? How will my performance skills and confidence improve at a normal weight? It'll be really fun to find out!
Well, I may not be at 230 yet---but at 263 it was like a different world. The Poncan Opry All-Star Band members were just astonished at the difference, as was the audience, many having attended every single show---they remember me from Day 69. And of course Dave May couldn't resist telling the audience exactly how much weight I've lost so far. When he said “he's lost 242 pounds,” the audience erupted in applause. I've had other occasions on that stage where this happened---but tonight's reaction was the biggest by far. I met some wonderful people in the lobby after the show and the weight loss was the first thing everyone mentioned.
One nice lady told me she once weighed over 500 pounds too. She had surgery nearly a decade ago and it was successful. She's since had a few surgeries to remove the excess skin. It was a pleasant conversation from someone who's been there. Then of course I had a guy ask “So what did you do? Just stop eating?” I replied: “Oh no...I eat all the time and anything I want.” This always confuses people like this guy. I briefly explained and quickly moved on shaking hands and saying thank you for the many wonderful compliments.
I really have to keep myself in check when explaining this journey of self-discovery and freedom. I can easily go into full on “weight-loss seminar” mode in no time at all. People don't want that really. And if they do, they'll ask....and I'm happy to share. I was dealing with this same issue exactly one year ago tonight at a special event. It was 365 days and over 120 pounds ago:
I ran into several people tonight at a fund raiser who noticed and complimented me on my success so far. Sometimes I have to make myself stop talking about the wonderful things I've learned along this journey. It's really hard, because it's become such a passion in my life, but once I get started, I just can't seem to stop the enthusiasm. I had at least three unplanned fifteen minute or longer conversations today on the subject. Now if they're genuinely interested and they're truly listening and they keep asking questions, then alright, and that certainly was the case with those instances...I hope...but I don't want to ever be the person every one avoids at functions, whispering warnings to each other like “whatever you do, don't mention losing weight, exercising, getting healthy, anything to do with calories, or the power of a decision, 'cause he'll talk you into the early morning if you do!” Sometimes, in most situations, less is more. Like tonight, after someone would comment on the dramatic difference in my appearance, I would say thank you, try to keep my words brief, then mention this blog address. If they're really interested, they'll look it up and read, and then the blog relays my enthusiasm for me, without me sounding obsessed by going on and on and on and on. I can afford to have a quiet confidence about me. I have nothing to prove or convince anyone of, my results thus far combined with my written record and audio/video record handles that just fine. Now of course, there's a time and place, right? Next Thursday night at the Hutchins Auditorium I'll be sharing my story and message for about 45 minutes and I'll enjoy every minute of the experience, I hope you will too!
I arrived home tonight feeling good and very happy with the experiences of the day and night, despite the fact that I missed my workout completely. Talking the talk is wonderful, as long as it doesn't keep me from walking the walk! I sincerely appreciate you reading everyday. Thank you! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Crazy Irony and Was It Something I Said?
I spent so much time writing today that I completely let the YMCA close without my weight training. How crazy ironic is that? I spend so much time writing this blog, a blog about consistency in portion control and exercise---and the mental aspects of keeping it all together, and then I let that keep me from being consistent and true to myself. Hmmmm. Time management is one of the hardest things along this road, for me at least.
I fell asleep in my “big man's” recliner last night. I really get upset with myself when I do this. I should have never jumped into that big thing. Straight to bed should have been my move...I was so exhausted, I was. It was a long Friday. By sleeping sitting up, I made my neck hurt and I wrecked my Saturday routine by finally going to bed just after 7am. I slept in a horizontal position until nearly noon. OK---I need to get past this, learn from it, and make a note: When I'm super tired, stay away from the recliner!
It is a “Big Man's” recliner from Lazy Boy...but the funny thing is this: It was always Irene's chair before. That's where she lounged in the living room of our old house. Why didn't I lay claim to the thing? Because at my heaviest, I was too big! Seriously...Too big for a “Big Man's” recliner!!! Isn't that something. Had I regularly tried to sit in that chair, it would be trashed---because I guarantee I would have busted the thing. Now it's my favorite chair, because I look little in the thing, swallowed by it's over-sized design. That's very cool.
Yesterday's blog posting was long and detailed, and the hope is—that you understood from where I was coming. If you didn't, that's too bad. I must stop worrying about making everyone happy all the time. After posting yesterday's epic post---I lost two followers. They were done. And it may not have been because of that post---maybe they just closed their blog or something. Of course I naturally think it's because of something I said. Maybe my honest evaluation scared them a little, perhaps made them doubt their own approach—whatever. I just speak the truth as it applies to my journey and discovery along this road. You may agree or not. It doesn't change what is and I will never change my writing style or the truth, just to please everyone. If you can't take it, don't read. I'm still going to write this same blog even if nobody reads...which up until nearly day 300—that was close to the case. Seriously---go back into the archives and count the number of post (some are favorites of mine that really helped me) with zero comments. I had just a handful of regular readers. It didn't matter then and it doesn't matter now. I sincerely appreciate the outpouring of support I've received...You absolutely lift me up. So don't ever think I don't value that support. It all goes back to the point: This blog is first and foremost for my benefit. I write it to help me understand me. If it helps you too, then that's the mushrooms on the pita! I was going to say “That's the icing on the cake,” but well...
Tonight I was the MC of the Poncan Opry musical variety show. The crowd was big and the band was on fire! The last time I did this was in November of 2008 on Day 69. I had lost over 60 pounds at that point, and in going back and reading the post from that night---even that made a huge difference. Here's an excerpt from that day:
This evening I hosted The Poncan Opry Branson style variety show at the historic Poncan Theatre. The last time I performed on that stage was June, and I weighed over 500 pounds for that one. What a huge difference it was tonight. The weight I've lost allows me to breath properly, to walk normally, to really get into my performance. I remember back in June how hard it was to focus on my set and delivery because I was consumed with my breathing and mobility. The excess weight was finally having a profound effect on my stage presence, but not tonight. Sure, I can't wait to dress better, and that too will send me and my performance skills up a few levels, but I can't complain about how wonderful I felt tonight on that stage. Lifting 60 plus pounds off my body makes a huge difference in everything I do, and I mean everything. When I think about how far I've come in the last 69 days, and how far I have to go, I get really excited. Because, and I've said this before, if I feel this good now, how will I feel at 230? How will my performance skills and confidence improve at a normal weight? It'll be really fun to find out!
Well, I may not be at 230 yet---but at 263 it was like a different world. The Poncan Opry All-Star Band members were just astonished at the difference, as was the audience, many having attended every single show---they remember me from Day 69. And of course Dave May couldn't resist telling the audience exactly how much weight I've lost so far. When he said “he's lost 242 pounds,” the audience erupted in applause. I've had other occasions on that stage where this happened---but tonight's reaction was the biggest by far. I met some wonderful people in the lobby after the show and the weight loss was the first thing everyone mentioned.
One nice lady told me she once weighed over 500 pounds too. She had surgery nearly a decade ago and it was successful. She's since had a few surgeries to remove the excess skin. It was a pleasant conversation from someone who's been there. Then of course I had a guy ask “So what did you do? Just stop eating?” I replied: “Oh no...I eat all the time and anything I want.” This always confuses people like this guy. I briefly explained and quickly moved on shaking hands and saying thank you for the many wonderful compliments.
I really have to keep myself in check when explaining this journey of self-discovery and freedom. I can easily go into full on “weight-loss seminar” mode in no time at all. People don't want that really. And if they do, they'll ask....and I'm happy to share. I was dealing with this same issue exactly one year ago tonight at a special event. It was 365 days and over 120 pounds ago:
I ran into several people tonight at a fund raiser who noticed and complimented me on my success so far. Sometimes I have to make myself stop talking about the wonderful things I've learned along this journey. It's really hard, because it's become such a passion in my life, but once I get started, I just can't seem to stop the enthusiasm. I had at least three unplanned fifteen minute or longer conversations today on the subject. Now if they're genuinely interested and they're truly listening and they keep asking questions, then alright, and that certainly was the case with those instances...I hope...but I don't want to ever be the person every one avoids at functions, whispering warnings to each other like “whatever you do, don't mention losing weight, exercising, getting healthy, anything to do with calories, or the power of a decision, 'cause he'll talk you into the early morning if you do!” Sometimes, in most situations, less is more. Like tonight, after someone would comment on the dramatic difference in my appearance, I would say thank you, try to keep my words brief, then mention this blog address. If they're really interested, they'll look it up and read, and then the blog relays my enthusiasm for me, without me sounding obsessed by going on and on and on and on. I can afford to have a quiet confidence about me. I have nothing to prove or convince anyone of, my results thus far combined with my written record and audio/video record handles that just fine. Now of course, there's a time and place, right? Next Thursday night at the Hutchins Auditorium I'll be sharing my story and message for about 45 minutes and I'll enjoy every minute of the experience, I hope you will too!
I arrived home tonight feeling good and very happy with the experiences of the day and night, despite the fact that I missed my workout completely. Talking the talk is wonderful, as long as it doesn't keep me from walking the walk! I sincerely appreciate you reading everyday. Thank you! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
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