Thursday, March 11, 2010

Day 542 I'm Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?

Day 542

I’m Really Doing Great and What Made Me Start?

Thank you for all of the support after yesterday’s crazy post. I was just upset with myself and I was letting that anger flow through my mind and out onto the keyboard and screen. I was just expressing frustration. The truth of the matter is really simple: I’m doing great. I have been doing great. And I’ll continue to do great. This isn’t a “Biggest Loser Boot Camp,” its real life. And I’m finished beating myself up for what I perceive as lacking performance. I’m reaching my goals---and my workouts will improve dramatically. What I expressed yesterday wasn’t very nice to me. The e-mails of support were just amazing---and I haven’t had time to respond to all of them, but I will. And the comments---OK—most of the comments were wonderful.

The crazy comments concerning the tragic death of Corey Haim, well---let’s just say that I work with comedians around the studio…and nothing and no one is spared from their often-tasteless comedic wrath. But it did make me smile. So I give thanks to them as well. My mom was severely confused, calling me last night to make sure I was OK about the Haim situation. I love my momma!

Today I had the most exhausting and unconventional workout ever. I spent my workout time carrying boxes up stairs into the new offices of Team Radio. I lost count of the trips up and down. I was moving! And let me tell you something---It feels amazing to run up stairs carrying something heavy, get all the way to the top---and realize that I’m not out of breath. I mentioned to the owner, “I’d be dead if I still weighed over 500 pounds.” He replied: “If you still weighed over 500 pounds, I would have never asked for your help.” I didn’t realize just how good of a full body workout it was until I relaxed later. It was crazy tiredness. I was physically exhausted. BUT--I felt great! I needed that burst of endorphins today. It really helped change my attitude around dramatically. I’m overjoyed at the changes that I sometimes fail to recognize. I need to take stock of my success more often.

In reading my blog post from March 10th last year---I was reminded of how this blog has been a mix of emotions to write and experience. It made me laugh and then slammed me back down to a dramatic reality with the following post. But it’s all good! And I sincerely mean that. So before you read the following---and get into my head on what really kicked my mind in gear for this mission---I just wanted you to know: I’m feeling great now. Yeah, we're going through a divorce---and that sucks, but the sun is still shining. Everything is going to be splendid.

From Day 177 March 10th, 2009:

I made the mistake this evening of not wearing a belt to the YMCA for my treadmill workout. I spent the entire time pulling up my size 50's. They're just too big I tell ya! What a wonderful feeling to write those words about a size twelve sizes smaller than I had to wear 177 days ago. Every time I would pull 'em up, I'd feel like I was almost falling. My choice was simple: Risk falling by pulling up my pants or having my pants drop to my ankles in front of everyone. I think I would rather fall, because if I lost my pants they could get caught up in the belt moving at 4 mph. I could just see me laying on the floor in my underwear stuck to the machine because my pants have been sucked into the treadmill. I better make sure I wear a belt from now on. Oh the joys of losing weight!

It's amazing to me how hard it was to lose weight for all of those years. I knew, even at my largest, that losing weight would make me feel better than ever, but sometimes that's just not enough to get it going. Having a doctor tell me that I could die anytime and it wouldn't surprise her, still wasn't enough. If death isn't motivation enough to get busy, than what could possibly motivate me? It sounds crazy to say that I feared losing my family more than I feared death. But here's why: In my mind, dying was something tragic that happens to other people. Even though I believed the doctor when she said at over 500 pounds, it could easily happen to me too, I somehow was motivated more by the fear of my family falling apart. The mind is a complicated thing isn't it?

That's why it was so important for me to not only change my eating habits and activity, but I had to change my mind about food and exercise. I had to stop making excuses and thinking that I had all the time in the world to right the ship. I had to realize that at the rate I was going, I would have been making excuses and rationalizing bad choices right up until my dying day, all the while convinced I had time to get it right. The dangerously deceptive and optimistic thought of “I have plenty of time,” is exactly the thought that would allow me to remain out of control with food and lack of movement for all these years. My entire life I've been a procrastinator. Irene has recognized this for years. About my weight, she would ask me “you're going to wait until it's too late aren't you?” How could I have blamed her for not wanting to stick around to witness the very sad and tragic pattern that was slowly killing me?

She loves me too much to stand by and witness my slow and tragic suicide by gluttony, oh how she felt completely powerless to stop the inevitable outcome. I wish I could remember the exact words we shared on the night of September 13th, 2008. I thought we were happy and loving life until that night, or at least that's what I convinced myself we were doing. But there we were, in the guest room of my oldest daughters boyfriends parents house, just miles from Amber's college campus, having a conversation more powerful than all of the “death speeches” ever given me by doctors. My lovely wife, my high school sweetheart of nearly twenty years had reached her limit. She was reluctantly done. I say “reluctantly” because even at that moment, I knew she loved me deep. She loved me enough to leave me, in hopes that it would spark a life saving change in me. That's serious love my friend.

I remember thinking, “why here and now?” “What if they can hear us talking?” “Aren't we suppose to pretend to be perfect in front of other people?” “What are you doing Irene?” It was like she had zero control. She had reached her limit, and like a car out of fuel, she couldn't go another mile down this tragic dead end with me. My out of control obesity was like a senseless killing taking place right before her eyes, and she wanted no part of it. That was it.

So I started pleading and begging for one more chance to get it right. I remember trying to make her feel guilty by saying “So we have one off to college, but you don't want to stick it out and get the other one raised?” Then I stopped and realized that I was wrong. She wasn't crying mad/selfish tears, those were hurt/lovingly painful tears. At that very moment I had to accept 100% responsibility for the cliff my obesity had us hanging from. I must have given the best “I'll really do it this time” speech of my life, because it worked. The tears I cried while trying to talk her into giving me a 297th chance, were stinging far worse than any I cried on June 10th in the doctors office of doom and gloom. I meant every single word. I didn't know how I would do it, but I knew that I had to do it differently than any other attempt. I had to do it right. I had to truly make a lifestyle change that would last a lifetime, not just a temporary change with temporary results. The decision I made that night was iron clad. And I knew that I couldn't let any excuse or rationalization get in the way...the risk was just too great.

Yeah…well---there you have it. No seriously, I’m fine! Really…But I can’t help tearing up when I read that---I just can’t help it. I love my family and always will. I’m one of the luckiest men on the face of the earth despite the current circumstances. I really am---truly blessed…indeed.

I was so tired tonight---I collapsed and was out. I don’t remember setting my alarm or anything. That’s why this edition is being posted so late. I’m telling you, that workout today was incredible. And soon---our studios will be located in that historic theatre too, and I’ll have those stairs to use everyday. Oh…you can bet I’ll be using them, a lot.

By the way…I’m way behind in my blog reading, commenting, and e-mail replying. I’ve been absolutely swamped lately at work. I hope you understand. I’ll be around, you know that. I’m always here my friend.

Thank you for reading! Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

10 comments:

  1. Woot! Sounds a bit more like the voice that goes over the airwaves!

    Blue~

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  2. Great post, staying positive and being kind to yourself emotionally is as important (or moreso, even) than being kind to yourself physically!

    I have to say I am really enjoying reading back through your blog as a new follower. I found you through some very thoughtful comments you left on my friend Pam's blog, in her latest post. I appreciate the hard work you are doing, and thank you for documenting it so others like me can benefit.

    I haven't lost as much as you, and even at my goal I won't have broken 150 pounds... but losers share many things in common regardless of the specific number they are striving to reach. So I just have to give you a giant solidarity high-five for exercise and calorie counting, because they have saved my life, too :)

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  3. Sounds like this has been a very emotional 24 hours for you, Sean! Hugs!!!

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  4. well sean, HOw to say this...
    sounds like things were going to change one way or the other.
    Death at that weight was a certainty.
    I know you said you didn't get that tattoo the other day.
    I think You should get a pheonix.
    On your back.
    A big *ss pheonix.
    Sometimes bud, the path is set before we know it.
    God knows it, and nothing surprises him
    He has something great in store for you.
    I can feel it.
    You keep heading right, and you are going to find a big old window open next the door that has closed.
    Hugs.bbbb

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  5. um that bbbbbb was a typo. I don't stutter....lol.

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  6. Sean, you have been good to yourself and your family over the past 542 days...maybe even more so than in the previous years, by taking care of yourself. I know that you see the blessing in that.

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  7. great job..i cannot do the stairs right now..that would hurt so much..oh my..i am so glad you are so positive and things will work out for the best..God is watching over all of us brother dear..i loveyou very much..
    kelli

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  8. Oh how I miss stairs. It is always a nice little extra exercise...

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  9. You know me well enough to know that post from a year ago killed me dead, right? You write with such feeling and are so good at conveying your emotions. Change is hard sometimes, but a lot of times it's for the better...and I know you know that. I understand the whirlwind of emotions and turmoil that you're dealing with right now (on a lot of different issues), and as always, I'm here for you babe. Call me anytime. :)

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