Stress Will Not Drag Me Off The Wagon
Some days are certainly easier than others. When the storm clouds gather and the stress rains down, that's when I'm at my most vulnerable. It's the stressful triggers I've talked about so many times before. The natural reaction to look for something that taste good, something pleasurable to make me feel better, is something that I've learned to identify and defend against. As strong as I am, on this day, yes, on day 239, I felt weak. I was having those old thoughts of feeling lost and out of control, but without actually losing control. I can be proud of that. But to still feel threatened after 239 days seemed disappointing. It shouldn't because I did exactly what I needed to do to avoid a meltdown. I did it right. I know that stress is a part of life. Everyone can have some form of stress, it's different for everyone. And feeling that my resolve was weakened is completely normal. How we handle that weakened resolve is the key. I immediately got scared. I have too much on the line here. I can't afford to ever see 400 or dare I say 500, ever, ever, ever again. I firmly believe I wouldn't survive a return trip to those numbers, physically or mentally. After the initial scare, I started focusing on my motivating thoughts. I blocked out everything and everyone, I didn't even tell anyone goodbye when I left the studio. I was in my own little world, dealing with issues that have me stressed while fighting the ingrained reaction to turn to food and a couch. I started going through my library of motivating thoughts. I even went back and read the first five days of this blog. I started thinking about my life and how wonderfully different it's becoming. I started dreaming about what I will do someday as I devote my life to motivating and inspiring morbidly obese people to take control of themselves and once and for all lose the weight that's held them back in every possible way. I feel like I don't even have a choice in that eventual career move, it's what I will do. And on a very deep and personal level, I thought about how my journey has lifted up my wife and daughters. Their outlook has changed, the way they think about food and exercise has changed, and they're learning about the extremely powerful consequences that come from our choices. I had to pull myself together for a broadcast this afternoon and this evening, and I did. By the time my broadcast was over at 7pm I was confident I had defeated the urges to lose control, but I still didn't feel like working out. I was tired, physically and emotionally. I just wanted to sleep. But I knew that I better not! I needed to go to the store for some groceries, go home and cook a 500 calorie dinner, workout, and write. I really had decided to cut the workout completely tonight. Then I came home to a couple of determined kids. Amber is home for the summer and she is ready to have me guide her along and share with her every detail that makes this journey completely doable. She's been away from home, at college, reading about all of the wonderful experiences we've had back home. And she's lost weight too, but recently she's struggled hard with her resolve. I never let it be known tonight of my intention to scrap the workout. I just couldn't do it, she's too excited about losing weight right along by my side all summer long. Her enthusiasm completely jarred me back into the “steel curtain zone.” Thank you Amber! I fixed some homemade beef tacos, we enjoyed 500 calories of mexican, then we laced up our shoes and hit the trail for a fantastic workout. As we each walked our own pace, I pushed hard to the sounds of REO Speedwagons' “Time For Me To Fly,” Christopher Cross' “Sailing,” and Jimmy Eat Worlds' “The Middle.” OK, I'm back now. Some days are challenging indeed.
I was fitted for a tux today and I'm proud to report that Moore's had it all in stock! No special orders for this not so big boy! It felt so wonderful to try on the pants and find them too big! I'm thrilled about wearing a tux Thursday night. It'll be a wonderful first! I may not want to ever take it off! I'll just go around making everyone feel horribly under dressed wherever I go... “Uh, didn't you hear? This is a formal Burger King!”
Today may have been a challenge, but it's made me stronger. I'm going to bed tonight looking forward to Tuesday and then weigh day on Wednesday. I might be into the 330's! How crazy weird would that be?? I sincerely appreciate you reading this daily blog. I thought about you, the reader, while corralling my motivating thoughts today. You're very important to me. Thank you. Good night and...