I Was Searching—But It Was In Me, Not Them---And I Wasn't Looking There
I can't fully explain the happiness I'm feeling these days. It goes beyond the physical transformation, diving straight into the heart of everything I do and plan to do. When I would think of weight loss before, and all that I thought it would do for me, I always focused on the smaller clothes and the better health. I had no idea that it would engulf my entire being, releasing a freedom inside that was busting to get out my entire life. A freedom to be confident, a freedom to live by my choices—understanding the consequences, and completely owning them, a freedom to experience life...and the best freedom of all...the freedom to just be me. The real me, the me that was locked up for so long---covered and hidden behind so many issues created by me, because of my morbid obesity.
I was never me before, I was trying so hard to make up for the fact that I was so out of control fat---smiling, laughing, living, working, being a good husband and father---truly a success on so many levels, that's undeniable, but still---not feeling completely genuine to myself. All of that effort to be liked and loved, doing and agreeing with everything—because I wanted to feel acceptance...and then, and then I realized----wow---look what I've done to myself...I was always loved and accepted before now...It wasn't anyone else---it was me that I needed to convince. It was from me that I really longed for love and acceptance. And just being me---is so empowering---I love myself and I'm accepting myself like I've never done before. Living, loving, working, smiling, laughing, accepting, embracing...and doing it as a fairly normal sized man, for the first time in my life, well---yeah...It's the most beautiful and amazing thing.
Today was one of those busy Fridays I've written about so many times. My goal of hitting the mid-day spinning class---uh, no...couldn't happen today, just too much to accomplish at work...the timing wasn't right. And I'm ok with that. Too many times I've depressed myself, made this road a little harder—by simply setting the bar so high---that when I fail to hit that level, I get down on myself. No—finished playing that game now. I know my fitness goals, they're important to me, I'm getting there, but I refuse to kill myself in the pursuit because I had a busy morning.
I prepared a wonderful egg-white omelet this morning with mushrooms and cheese---and the entire thing---I mean three big fluffy egg whites good, melted cheese, big wonderful mushrooms----all of it, was a tiny 141 calories. I grabbed a banana on my way out---and enjoyed one of those all-natural Cliff Bars later in the day—plus another banana. It was so good! I enjoyed Subway for dinner (wow---really, eating out again!)...and it was good. With some low-fat frozen yogurt, an orange, and some late night cottage cheese and crackers---I pushed my calories to 1480 for the day. I was satisfied. And eventually I know---I'll need to up the calories---I probably should be now, and I'm cool with that. I've just become so accustomed to looking for the best calorie value at every turn---figuring out ways to navigate my calorie budget in such a way, that I never feel deprived, ever----even on 1500 a day. I eat ALL THE TIME. I do, and I've figured out how on 1500. Is it the best for my body and metabolism? I can't say 100%, after all---I've said it so many times, I'm NOT an expert. But I feel good, I'm never hungry, and I'm in control. And after being and feeling out of control my entire life---that feels really good to say---and live.
Here's an excerpt from June 11th, 2009:
I never really understood how important my past failed attempts would become. I don't even know if I should call them failed attempts, because they've contributed so much to my success along the way. Those failed attempts are vital to my success. I could never appreciate that value before because I was too busy making excuses or rationalizations to make myself feel better about them. 270 days ago I stopped placing blame for my food addiction on anything or anyone else. When I decided to become 100% responsible for my journey, letting go of every excuse or rationalization, and became completely honest with myself about my horrible food behaviors, that's when “it”clicked. When I stopped being able to blame everything else for my struggles, I suddenly had a clearer vision of what I needed to do and how I would do it. The weight had been lifted, my eyes had been opened, and I was on my way. There's no future in the past, but there are lessons to be learned from experiences we would rather forget. We have arrived at where we are because of the road we've traveled. Salvage the useful information and discard the rest. Then get ready to excel!
I have not one, but two wedding to attend tomorrow. I'm happy to be there---and I know, I'll be running into people I haven't been around in years. Will they know it's me? This could be fun. I'm going to put on some nice clothes and walk confidently through every door.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...