Thank You My Friend and A Confident Patience Along Transformation Road
I sincerely appreciate the comments and concerned e-mails about my poor sleeping habits and crazy schedule I sometimes try to keep. I honestly feel so incredibly blessed from the outpouring of blog love, understanding, and unconditional support. I really must look within and think about what I want and where I'm headed, then confidently move toward those aspirations one normal-healthy day at a time. This is very much a "choose change before change chooses you" type of thing. If you don't agree, just read Lisa Love's story in the comment section of yesterday's Day 644 post. Thank you for sharing that Lisa, and Wendy from New Me, my friend--Your "listen to your mother" style in your comment was very welcomed and appreciated. Do you know the source of my challenge? Let me tell you exactly what it is:
I'm free. I'm finally free, and like a prisoner seeing daylight for the first time after years of being locked up, I want to do it all! I'm like a kid in a candy store. I'm a shopper without limits. I'm a dreamer, always have been---and after being limited in those dreams, or anchored in the reality of a 500 pound body for so long---I'm free to dream without limits. Suddenly, I have the confidence and the vision that tells me, hey--you know something? Anything's possible. And it isn't all great big things, some of them are small but powerful goals and desires. Freedom to fly, to live, to confidently march toward a future where my weight isn't holding me hostage. So I commit to acting projects, I give my blog the kind of effort one would give a part-time job, I spend precious time with my girls, I work a sometimes hectic schedule in radio, I commit to outside jobs--MC'ing events, hosting stage productions, speaking to groups about this transformation and all of the wonderful aspects involved along the way. I watch maybe 15 minutes worth of television a week, because I have everything else to do---And I love every single minute of it all. This isn't a complaint list--this is a can you believe this is me? list. And this is just the beginning. So really--this is a good time to get my thoughts, dreams, and plans sorted out---organized and prioritized, so I can effectively do it all---in good time.
That's the deal, it's time. And you know how I feel about the clock on the wall and the calendar that hangs close by. Time doesn't matter, unless we do absolutely nothing---then it can destroy us mentally--full of regret over lost time. But really...time will do it's thing and I'll do mine, and eventually we'll catch up and marvel about how far we've come in such a relatively short time.
I found the following excerpt from a year ago today:
I received a spam e-mail today touting a miracle weight loss “cure.” Just out of curiosity I clicked on the link to the web page. Their big thing was “it curbs your hunger—so you don't eat.” I don't know about you, but I rarely would gorge because I was hungry. In fact I was never hungry. I wouldn't go long enough without food to ever become hungry. At my heaviest, I didn't need to be hungry to eat, I just needed the food to look good and be tasty. The bogus pitches spread by these ridiculous product manufacturers really make me upset. They prey on the people that are desperate and hopeless, the ones that are still looking for an easy way out. They do it with grandiose promises that can be all yours for only $49.95US! It's sickening really.
My disgust with companies like this---it burns in me, oh how I want to expose these greedy manipulating con-artist.
A friend recently asked me about my past weight loss attempts. I told them about the 2004 attempt--and they asked if I feared the same thing happening this time. No way--this time is very different. If you haven't read about it already---let's go deep into the archives for this, from the first two weeks of this journey:
My determination is so rock solid at this point that I truly believe you could take me to a buffet restaurant and I would still eat within my calories. I had this same determination in 2004, but this time it's different. It's different because I've learned from the mistakes of 2004. I understand myself much better, and that understanding makes me stronger. It's like a football coach watching film of a game his team lost, then adjusting his strategy to win the next game. This is my next game, I've watched the film of the last one and I know exactly what went wrong.
In case you're not familiar with the story, I'll tell ya: In March of 2004 we all got busy. Irene, Me, Courtney, and Amber were all on the wagon, supporting each other and exercising together everyday. We had family weigh-ins every two weeks. After a little over four months we had lost over 200 pounds collectively. I had lost 115. Then we went on vacation to Kansas City. We hadn't really discussed our strategy for calories during the trip until we were in the vehicle on the way out of town. We decided that calorie counting had no place on our little before school getaway. We decided for that four day period we would eat whatever we wanted. Well, we immediately found a bag full of goodies. Little Debbie snack cakes, Nutty Bars (my favorite), and high calorie soft drinks and chips filled us as we drove. When we arrived in KC, we immediately looked for a restaurant to really cut loose. We found one, I don't remember what the place was called, but I bet they remember me! We were on a tear. At the hotel they had a very nice complimentary breakfast full of all the bagels and cream cheese and donuts you could ever want. Our first night in the room, we ordered pizza as a fourth meal, or was it a fifth? Who was counting? Not me!
We were livin' large and eating way too much every chance we had. Of course we told ourselves that when the trip was over, it was back to counting calories. But, here's where we messed up. The practice of counting calories is not something I plan on doing for the rest of my life. It's not really hard or anything like that, but I just wouldn't want to do it forever. Counting calories now is a way to lose the weight, but it also teaches us lessons on portion control. Sometimes we don't realize how many calories are in what we eat, but counting calories lets us know, not only the calories but the size. Counting calories teaches us how to make healthy choices while budgeting our calories. We didn't understand that part of the journey. We didn't understand that counting calories was suppose to teach us how to eat better, control portions, and not eat just for the sake of pigging out. It was suppose to teach us lessons in eating that we could carry on for the rest of our lives.
Instead of recognizing these lessons, we acted like we had just been rescued from a deserted island and we were going to make up for all the food we didn't get before. When we got back home it was like we completely forgot about the plan. We stopped working out on a regular basis and started being dishonest about our calorie intake (I know I did) And once you start being dishonest with yourself, then it's all over. One day led to another and before you know it we were right back to eating whatever we wanted, as much as we wanted, and we didn't exercise. We would say...”hey, we have to get back on the wagon”...”yeah, let's start Monday”...and Monday we would continue our old ways.
We have a plan now. We have goals. We have watched the film so to speak of our past failure...We are determined. We are learning how to eat again.
I really haven't talked about today specifically here and I'm running out of time. It was busy again with plenty of work and little time and room for error, but I'm getting there. Play rehearsal was very good too, and as much as I love acting---this will probably be my last project for a good long while. My food was on target but my workout was non-existent. My schedule today had me going from 6am to 10pm. But I'm aware, and I'm working on this schedule thing. It will improve dramatically, because I'll make it a priority to improve. I'll be fine, I will---I'm getting to where I'm headed---I just sometimes need to remember my own words---confident patience...all in time...confident patience. I love that phrase almost as much as transformation road. Wow---I should combine the two: I'll continue walking with a confident patience down this transformation road. Yeah, yeah---that's what I'm talking about.
Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...