It's The Small Things, Confronting Issues, and The Only Photo-Shopped Picture of Me You'll Find
There really isn't much time for error in my schedule and routine on any given Monday, Tuesday, or Wednesday for the next four weeks. With an increased summer load of radio responsibilities and play rehearsal at 7pm each of these nights, I'm loaded right now. But--I'm staying in a very positive place mentally. This hectic schedule is my own doing, and more important to remember---it's temporary.
As long as I get to sleep at a decent hour, eat well, and exercise as much as I can---especially from Thursday to Sunday, I'm cool. I also make sure to stop and notice the little wonderful things a transformation like yours and mine reveals. I was reminded about some of these things from my writings a year and nearly 90 pounds ago:
I notice the small things a bunch these days. Like the bones in my hands. I can see them! Even the tendons in my feet are starting to show. Well, I don't actually see them, I just see the outline of them. My biceps, as puny as they are right now, they show through. If I hold my leg just right, I can see the outline of my leg muscles. I'm easily entertained. The girls like to watch movies for entertainment, I just need a bathroom with a big mirror. That's entertainment enough for me right now. Don't get the wrong idea, I'm not full of myself or anything, I'm not...far from it, but I love marveling at the physical changes in me.
I love my dimples that have been hidden since I was a kid. I love looking straight ahead at a mirror and actually seeing both of my ears. My eyes look bigger. Not freaky bigger, just bigger...more prominent a feature of my face. Less face, same eyes...makes sense. I like sitting on the couch and folding one of my legs up. I couldn't do that before. I'm still not at the point where I can cross my legs, but you just wait, I'll be a leg crosser someday. I'll sit there and rest my hand on my shoe, as a way to say, “check this out, I'm a leg crosser.” I'm still not a tucker. I've never been a shirt tucker. If a job required my shirt to be tucked, I would walk. Lucky for me I haven't ever worked somewhere like that. I know the owner of our radio stations reads this blog, I'm sure we'll get a memo tomorrow mandating that all shirts be tucked in at all times. He has a fun sense of humor. As much as I've developed and evolved along this journey, it's still hard to imagine a shirt tucking-leg crossing version of me. But that's where I'm headed. A leg crossing, shirt tucking, slim trim, neat, well groomed kind of a guy. I'm so impatient. I wanna see those “after” pictures! Those pictures are going to blow all the previous “in progress” pics out of the water!
That was a fun little trip back in time. And speaking of pictures...My photos are never photo shopped in any way, shape, or form. Seriously? I opened an e-mail today from a guy who suggested that I doctored my shots. I think he was being funny--his way of complimenting my transformation, by questioning the possibility of it all. Very funny. There's only been one picture that has appeared on this blog that may have been trimmed up a little, and it wasn't one that I had any control over. It was my program photo for the play "Call Me Henry" last year. But what's cool is this: The last nearly 50 pounds lost has caught up and in my opinion, passed whatever touch-ups the graphic artist may have given me. You know how cool that is? I sincerely hope I'm not coming off as full of myself---I'm not anywhere close to being that way, I'm way too insecure for that attitude to survive very long. I'm just saying, (thanks Kenz--I can't help it)...anyway, just saying...Isn't it cool to have the power to transform to better than photo-shopped? You have it too, so do I---we have the power to transform. We choose, we decide. I love this.
Play rehearsal tonight was a real challenge for me. I put on a single pull over collared Golf shirt, khakis, and casual dress shoes. I kept looking in the mirror, unsure if I could handle what my brain was telling me---and trying to believe my eyes instead. The truth is simple, I looked fine--maybe good even. But I still felt horribly out of my comfort zone. But this is exactly why I put on the outfit. I'm trying desperately to change these crazy self-image hang-ups---it's ridiculous for me to torture myself. WHO CARES. So what, I'm not perfect---I don't have to be!!!! I'm absolutely amazing just the way I am!!!! Don't erase that last sentence Sean---come on, leave it---and even better, believe it Mr. Anderson! OK--now I'm writing to myself. Oh dear...
One thing I've learned among the many things, is really simple---but imperative. You can't beat something by ignoring it. You can't win at this losing game if you choose to ignore your real issues with food. You can't change your self-image problems if you don't face them head-on. And that's what I did tonight, and the other day in Stillwater---and any day I leave the house without an over-shirt and jeans that fit a little too loose. Does it matter what I wear? Not really, honestly---it doesn't. But overcoming my negative perception of myself is absolutely necessary along this transformation road. Without it, I can't fully appreciate and enjoy my success.
Once again, I squeezed in a nap before play rehearsal tonight---and I finally made it home around 10pm. And once again I didn't workout. But like I said earlier---I'm OK, and you better believe---Thursday to Sundays for the next four weeks will be my workout days. I'm not even going to attempt anything else. I'll do what I can, when I can---and I'll be happy, healthy, and better. Everything is better these days. Better...I like that word.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
The program page for "Call Me Henry." Nearly 50 pounds ago. This is the only picture that may have been photo shopped on this blog.
Recent, with Uncle Keith--my mom's brother