Day 710 and 711
Missing Old Sean and New Pictures
I've looked at the pictures from my last post over and over, and it's strange, but I really do kind of miss that guy. I "get it." That guy was affected in so many different ways. Ok--I need to stop talking about my previous physical appearance like it was someone who has passed away. But, in many ways it is just like that. I was that big for so long and my personal appearance, the morbid obesity, helped shape my personality and social behaviors. What has remained the same are my thoughts, beliefs, fears, and personal values--the stuff I know inside, when I'm all alone---just me. That guy is exactly the same. I love that guy too. It all reminds me of the reaction of my now ex-sister in law, when she laid eyes on me for the first time in a long time. It was almost a year ago:
My sister-in-law is staying the night with us. Irene has several sisters, and this one hasn't seen me in a really long time. I really don't know how to take her reaction to the much smaller me. She was shocked, I mean in total disbelief. She told me I looked great and that she was happy that I was healthier for the effort and then she did something unexpected. She started crying. It wasn't tears of happiness, these were grieving tears. She was grieving the loss of the old me. She said “My entire life you've looked the same and now that person is gone.” I assured her that I was still me inside. I still have all of the memories, all of the feelings, all of the humor, I'm Sean Anderson, that will never change! She kept wiping away her tears and we hugged, to which she replied “you don't even hug the same.” I guess I didn't realize how much she loved me. It really touched me deeply. I love her too. Judging from her reaction, you would have thought I had died. And I explained to her that I would have died in the next five or ten years more than likely, had I stayed at over 500 pounds. She just kept going on about it. She'll never see the old Sean again, and that just devastated her completely. It wasn't the reaction I expected at all.
It's really a swim through a giant pool of emotions when I look at my before pictures. I can absolutely relate to the feelings my sister-in-law expressed. I look at those old pictures and I feel sorry for that guy. He's gone. He'll never be back. He'll never walk into the room. He'll never walk onto that stage. That guy died a long time ago. Oh sure, it's still me now, but the presence of that big guy will never return. And I don't want him to come back. He can't. I've completely cut off the mental hangups that gave him a thread of hope on ever returning. I guess we'll just have to get use to it, because I feel amazing---and it keeps getting better and I keep feeling sorry for that big man, but I shouldn't. It might be possible that even at my heaviest, I still loved myself enough to feel a sense of loss now for who I was then. OK---this is getting waaaayyyy too emotional and crazy deep. Let's move on to happy stuff, shall we?
I've lost much more weight since and I have ran into my ex-sister in law a time or two lately. Now, she totally understands---compliments me, but always expresses how she always loved the previous version of me just as well. Her husband also shared that it took him some time to accept my new appearance, but he has, and no longer feels compelled to punch me for no good reason, other than because I (in his words) "look so good." Lucky me. Seriously, the guy's a fighter, I'm not.
As I focus more and more on the fundamentals that have brought me this far, I find myself eating mostly at home and my commitment to exercise has increased dramatically this week. Those are both wonderful things! Could I do more? Absolutely. Should I? Of course. Will I? You can bet the farm, yes!
I had remote location broadcasts all day Friday. The first was a mid-day broadcast at the Oklahoma Blood Institute, where I gleefully made a double donation of red blood cells. OK, maybe "gleefully" isn't the right word. But, I donated never the less. I actually tried to donate a week ago, but they requested that I wait, so I could do it on the air. The second was at the Davis Moore Auto Group, the local Chrysler-Dodge-Jeep dealership.
My vitals were good, real good...and since they run a million test on the blood with every donation, soon I'll once again receive a report on my "numbers." My blood pressure today was 123/82...just a touch higher than the previous 120/78, and my pulse---check this out: 57!!! Athletic, they say! Unbelievable, I say.
Cathy Cole, the director of Ponca City Medical Center's Healthy Woman program and the Lose To Win program, for which I've spoken on many occasions, is also an accomplished photographer. She came to my broadcast Friday and did me a wonderful favor in snapping some "current" pictures for this blog and my facebook profile picture. Thank you Cathy! I'm not sure Cathy will mind or not, but I think I'm safe in telling you...she's lost nearly 50 pounds and is beyond excited about where she's headed on her transformation road. She's keeping a strict "Calorie Bank and Trust" account and walking around her beautiful neighborhood every evening with her family and friends. She's found the joy in finding the best calorie values too, getting the most bang for her calorie buck, and in that regard---finding the Joseph's 60 calorie pita. She sent me a thrilling text message from the store upon finding her supply of these pitas that have become a staple in my home over the last year.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
This is a three ounce portion of Rib-Eye steak, an entire 70 calorie can of green beans, and a half a baked potato with a couple of teaspoons of sour cream. The entire meal was just under 450 calories. By the way, the Rib-Eye is possibly the worst calorie value steak out there, but it's also my favorite!! So, I allowed a 3 ounce serving for 220 calories, no problem. A lean sirloin would have given me more meat, but really---I was completely satisfied with my plate. I was full and happy--and I had Rib-Eye steak by golly.
I really haven't a clue what this machine does...but they tried to explain. Something about taking extra red blood cells, a double portion (not sure "portion" is the right word unless you're a vampire) and then it replenishes your body with saline--and when it does that part, it feels like ice water is running through your veins...because the saline is room temperature. I don't really have to understand it to know that it saves lives when it's needed in an emergency.
I feel like Ricky Bobby. What do I do with my hands?
Sitting on a nice motorcycle on the Davis Moore showroom floor. Not to worry my dear sweet mother, but someday--I'd really like to have one of these.
Big before picture with my daughters! Wearing the black jacket with black undershirt. Apparently, this is a big fashion no-no...at least someone told me it was recently. Really? I never knew. I wonder if Johnny Cash was ever told the same thing? I do agree---a little more color in my wardrobe would be nice. I'm working on that!
I'm kind of squinting here because of the sunshine. Thank you Cathy for the pictures!!