Day 684 and 685
This Blog--A Most Wonderful Friend To Me and Getting To Know My New Face
I have mixed emotions about the inconsistency of my blog since Thursday. It drives me nuts, completely filling me with anxiety for being "behind," but maybe that's exactly why is was important to relax a little on my writing schedule. When I say "relax," I don't mean revert to my old ways...that is the furthest thing from my mind. I simply mean that it's important for me to relax my dependence on this friend that has been so amazing to me.
This blog has been the most wonderful friend to me along this road. It's educated me about me, it's absolutely the best therapy I've ever received--all accomplished with a consistent writing schedule coupled with not being afraid to pour it all out, straight from the heart--in a most honest and flawed delivery. It's truly changed my life in so many ways, and continues to change my life in most wonderful ways. But I can't be afraid to take off the training wheels. I feel like I've been riding without those training wheels the past few days, and as much as I fret over this unique position, I feel like it's helped me gain some needed perspective about it's (the blog) importance in my life.
The world didn't end this weekend. I didn't fly off the wagon. I'm still exactly who I am. I hesitate to use the term "addiction" to describe this therapeutic trip I've enjoyed every day, but seriously---it might be the very word that best describes my writing habits. After spending anywhere from one to upwards of three, sometimes more (rarely, but sometimes---depending on the subject matter---taking up to four hours) to fully translate what I feel as I try to untangle a lifetime of morbid obesity---and doing that everyday with an importance level set at "life or death," well---it's great for what it's done for me, but also, at times, slightly unreasonable.
My plan is for the DDWL to eventually become a weight maintenance blog, posting two or three times a week---and then spend my writing energies on a few books that are in me and must be written. I've already made incredible strides in that direction--most of which I haven't discussed here, because seriously---I'm not a pie in the sky kind of guy. I'm a very level headed, feet on the ground kind of person--but watch out, because when I dream, I dream really big---I just don't talk about it much, until those dreams start becoming reality, and they are quickly heading in that direction---that's when I share. I'm an eternal realist, always have been. I look at that as a gift--a gift of being able to call my own b.s. with a self-honesty that tells it exactly like it is---even when the truth hurts, and it sometimes does. It's actually one of the key elements of my success. It's funny, because I reserve this honest constructive criticism for myself, and struggle to give it to others. Because I want to be liked. Don't we all? But seriously...that's a completely different psychological dynamic, huh?
Since this is a double day post--the second one in the last four days, and the last for a while--at least until maintenance mode---I traveled back into the archives and reviewed July 31st and August 1st of 2009. I found a couple of excerpts that really helped me today, as much as they did back then. The first excerpt from July 31st deals with time and how it doesn't really care what we do:
Time is magical in its powers...As much as I say “don't worry about time,” it's a crucial part of this journey. What I mean is, don't stress about the amount of time this journey will take, just let time work for you. I've allowed time to work for me. We all progress at different speeds, and time passed makes things easier to handle, it firms new habits, it shows us amazing results, it does wonders if...and this is a big IF...It does wonders if we remain consistent, holding up our end of the deal. Otherwise time can be very cruel, it'll pass on by without any regard to our situation and wellness. Time doesn't care what we do. It's job is to keep moving. If we do our job, and time is doing its job, then amazing results follow in little time. Someone once said, “I wish I had more time,” and I wanted to say “stop spending all that time wishing for more time, and make the best use of the time you have...you'll be surprised at what you can do in a short amount of time.” Maybe you didn't need as much time as you thought. And when you've made the best use of your time, then you're actually giving yourself more time later. Time for a new paragraph.
The excerpt I found from August 1st, 2009 is something I've been dealing with for, well, at least a year. I wish I could find a way to express how horribly ugly I felt at over 500 pounds. I felt like the biggest ogre in the world. Like an outcast, a freak of nature, a circus sideshow---I did, and I know, I know---you don't have to say that I was "good looking" even at over 500 pounds...you know what I mean. I felt like the most unattractive person on the planet. And that feeling inside me wasn't the fault of anyone around me all of those years--those were my issues that started developing as a very young child. The first time a stranger told me that I needed to wear a bra, the first time a girl completely rejected me in elementary school--simply because of my appearance, the obvious negative looks and vibes I've felt from many others over the years---all of these came together to create the physical appearance issues that have plagued me my entire life. So when I look in the mirror and see something I like---it's like sweet revenge...not against any person---just, well--against the myriad of feelings that always told me I was ugly and completely undesirable. How do you like me now? Anyway...enough of my rambling---here's the excerpt from August 1st, 2009:
I've recently written about how I'm really starting to like what I see in the mirror. I see the physical me emerging that I always thought was in there. I always thought highly of this hidden appearance buried deep beneath mounds of flesh, I knew it was in there somewhere. It reminds me of when I use to get made fun of horribly in school and often times my only comeback would be “Oh yeah, well you're ugly and I can lose weight, but there's nothing you can do about that face.” Hey, sounds mean, but I was on the defensive. You must understand, I've never liked what I saw in the mirror, never. I felt that I looked completely hideous all the time. So looking in the mirror now and actually liking the shape of my face and the contour of my head, and the way my ears connect to my face, and my eyes...and the dimples...wow, I'm digging it. BUT---I also understand that this sudden change in how I feel about the way I look is something that must be handled with responsible awareness. I'm not and will not ever become a conceited jerk, but after a lifetime of hating my appearance, I'm kind of enjoying this new self that I see. I don't understand why I feel like it's bad of me to feel like this.
Do I think I don't deserve to feel good about myself? Maybe I need some serious self-image therapy. Left unchecked, will my new found confidence and self-flattering hurt me in some way? You hear stories of people losing considerable amounts of weight and then their lives are completely turned upside down. Why does this happen? Is it because they let this new look go to their head? Or maybe the confidence they never had before pulls them in a direction they were never able to go. That could be good or bad. I'm not complaining. I'll take this mind stretching topic any day over being 500 plus pounds.
It ultimately comes down to our true and honest character. I don't think that changes too much. I'm still the same person on the inside I was at 505, the new extra strength dose of confidence aside, my values, attitudes, and philosophies about life, love, and happiness remain the same. I'm going to be alright, yep, I'm pretty sure I'll be just fine. But if you see me staring at myself in the mirror or window reflection, don't think I'm being conceited, I'm just getting to know the new face of me.
Saturday was very busy and started very early. Kenz and I headed for Ponca City for an eleven am to one pm broadcast from a shopping center. It was crazy days, with crazy bargains everywhere! Including BBQ ribs at a low ten bucks a slab...really? Yes---really, very good and very inexpensive. People were buying them four and five at a time. Kenz and I resisted, even though I had to talk about it on the air, every break for two hours. But ribs---oh my, such a horrible calorie value for me...anywhere from 350 to 500 per rib, depending on size...it was a pretty easy decision to pass, like I've done many other times along this road.
I had to get back to Norman Saturday night for the awards reception on Sunday morning at the theater festival. I left my car at the hotel in Norman, so Kenz drove me back to the hotel and dropped me off, before immediately returning to her dad's house. It was so late and we were both so tired, I was really worried about her---and so relieved when she made it back to her dad's house safe and sound.
I couldn't sleep very well Saturday night. It was almost 2:30 am when I finally fell asleep and a little after six am when I jumped up. I made my way down to the restaurant for some coffee and breakfast---a little fruit and scrambled eggs, it was good. I spent part of the morning updating my last post while I waited for the awards brunch. It was a really wonderful experience, the whole thing, but I must say---I'm relieved it's over. I'll miss seeing my friends all the time, but we'll stay in touch--They're some good people, absolutely.
After the awards ceremony, I drove straight to where Kenz was staying, at her dad's. I crashed for a while...and it was the most amazing nap, and I really needed every minute. I was exhausted in so many ways. I jumped up in time to attend a church sermon delivered by Kenz's dad. He is a gifted preacher and his daughter is an incredibly gifted singer! Kenz performed a song for the congregation that was absolutely a pleasure to hear and witness. She's an angel, I'm sure of it...
The service ended, and in separate vehicles, Kenz and I raced side by side along highway 51--heading toward a meeting with most everyone in my family at New China buffet. We decided to visit and drink water only---we would eat somewhere else afterward...like uh, Taco Mayo---I know...but really, 163 calorie beef tacos are so incredible---in taste and calorie value, I just love them!
Kenz handled the family meeting very well. She met a bunch of people and everyone loved her! She's very likable, I mean---very. We took a bunch of pictures! It was a blast, absolutely!
The PEWC is officially over, but the habit is in place. That was really the goal of this water challenge...and on a bigger level, the goal of this entire journey...a new lifestyle of good choices. The water challenge was such a natural selection. There's no denying the amazing weight loss and overall healthy benefits of drinking enough pure water. Thank you for participating! We estimate nearly 300 did it, and that's almost a half million ounces of pure water consumed in 21 days...at the very minimum. probably much more. My best day was a 104 ounce performance. I rocked this challenge...struggled some days, had to shoot a bunch of water late a few times, but the challenge was complete, everyday. And I plan on continuing everyday, at least 64 ounces, because it's just a solid healthy habit. It makes me feel good. Kind of like updating my blog after a crazy five day period...It makes me feel good!
Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...
At the OCTAFest Awards with Tom and Linda Cowley
Another shot with Tom and Linda--Plus Morgan Ham--Morgan played my character's wife in "Wanda's Visit."
We're having a great time!
Visiting with family!
With Aunt Kelli
Kenz with the three sisters--Mom, Aunt Jean, and Aunt Kelli
Mom is so sweet! What a wonderful lady! I love her dearly.
Kenz, Mom, and me
Kenz and Uncle Sig
I like this picture!