Showing posts with label clothes shopping. Show all posts
Showing posts with label clothes shopping. Show all posts

Friday, October 24, 2014

October 24th, 2014 Their Turn Is Coming Once Again

October 24th, 2014 Their Turn Is Coming Once Again

I enjoyed sleeping in today. I woke up and immediately needed to get ready to join Heather and her daughter in Tulsa for the day. Breaking my normal routine is sometimes tough. I normally relax with coffee, prepare breakfast--pack it, transport it and eat it about two hours after I initially wake.  I also cook eggs 98% of the time. It's become the breakfast I enjoy the most, it seems. I do change it up with different styles and preparations, but still, eggs--most everyday.

This morning I enjoyed a serving of Vanilla Shakeology with a banana and cashew milk. Oh, by the way--that's not a typo, Cashew Milk! The unsweetened cashew milk is a low 25 calories per cup. That's a lot of non-dairy milk for not a lot of calories! And the taste was wonderful in my Shakeology! I handled the change in routine in stride. It just wasn't a big deal to me. I commented on this dynamic as it applies to other things, today during our drive: I don't get worked up in a hot and negative way about much. I just don't care to, most of the time.  

We had several stops, including a stop at a clothing store where I purchased myself a new long sleeve black pullover as a birthday present. It's the perfect size for me now--it won't be in the next 20 pounds or so, and that's okay! I'm going to enjoy wearing it while I can. One of the nice things about where this positive momentum is leading? I have a closet full of clothing I wore between the weights of 230 and 250, just hanging there, waiting for me to pick them once again. And I will, soon. Their turn is coming once again! I don't really know when it will come (I don't do long range calendar speculations) but it will come!

Heather prepared an incredible birthday meal for me tonight. I offered help and she declined, saying she wanted to do it for my birthday. And well, okay! I gladly let her!

Tomorrow morning kicks off what is poised to be a very active Saturday and Sunday. I'm about ready to drop in bed for a decent night's sleep!  



















Thank you for reading and for your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, August 25, 2014

August 25th, 2014 Wearing The Tags

August 25th, 2014 Wearing The Tags

Shopping for clothes on the bad side of a regain is a miserable experience. Nothing fits, nothing feels right--and as the gain progresses, you graduate from the normal section to the bigger sizes and eventually to a different store. I experienced this painful progression during my regain. At one point, I simply found one sweater jacket that fit and I wore it everyday from October to April. I washed it regularly, of course, but it was everyday--same thing. Nothing else fit. A closet full of clothes and literally not one thing fit, except a few big t-shirts and the zip up sweater jacket. I found a pair of black workout stretch pants and I added those to the daily wear, simply because I didn't want to experience trying to find jeans or shirts that fit my rapidly growing body. The only time I would squeeze into a pair of jeans was when I had a location broadcast or special event I had to attend, where black stretchy sweat pants wouldn't be appropriate.

My heaviest regain point was 394. A full 164 pound regain. I was very lucky to have stopped at 394. The jeans I had to wear back at 394 were size 52's and they still cut into me like a dull knife, leaving me bruised and slightly bloodied on the worst days. I easily needed 54's but I was too stubborn to buy 54's--and also because buying 54's would have required a special trip out of town to a big and tall store. If I could just endure the pain long enough to get home and change into the big stretchy workout pants, I'd be just fine, even if fine meant hurting in the meantime.

Shopping for clothes during an awakening and total positive revolution is pleasurable even if the clothes are still much bigger than what I once wore. It doesn't matter. I know where I am headed, so I proudly wear what I must to be comfortable as my body cooperates with my positive behaviors and the weight drops. When I bought the pair of 46 waist jeans I couldn't get them on. But it didn't matter, I knew I would eventually. I just needed my confident patience. I laid them aside and kept on doing the things best for me. Finally a few weeks to a month later, they fit. And today I retired them.

Two weeks ago I bought two pair of size 44's. Same thing happened--they didn't fit. So I laid them aside. Confident patience told me they would fit in not long. I tried them again today and the fit was perfect. I was so happy for this non-scale victory, I didn't take them off. I was celebrating! The baggy 46's will be cleaned and donated to someone who can get some good from them again. They no longer serve my needs! My excitement was so, that I forgot to take off the tags. A colleague noticed the tags and offered to do the honors. It was a wonderful feeling. She handed me the tags and I tweeted a picture with my NSV announcement.


In a couple of weeks I'll buy some 42's. They'll probably not fit and I'll lay them aside. They will fit soon according to my confident patience. Oh yes indeed, they will.

I had some fun with foods today--creating some different dishes with some variety! I took to the elliptical and experienced a big sweat for 30 minutes. I kept thinking about these new jeans and how my perspective has changed. It's a 180 degree turn, just like the direction of my personal momentum.

My food tweets today:












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, May 3, 2014

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

Today was a tough one. It wasn't tough with food and exercise, I did stay within budget and I had a good 1.7 mile walk this morning.  It was tough because I made a trip to buy some clothes to get me through.  I hated to spend money on clothing I know I'll be too small for in a month, but I needed them, so I did it.

Subjunctive thoughts plagued me today, you know the "if only, had I just done X, coulda, woulda, shouda" line of thinking.

Inside that painful box known as the dressing room, surrounded by mirrors revealing the reality that is, I couldn't help but think about my positive plans, hopes and dreams as they once were and then wonder how I ended up back here, looking at a much larger body as if it were a stranger, but knowing it was me...it was all of me. And how did I not realize how far I was heading back?  I foolishly believed one more day wouldn't hurt, but in that line of thinking, the ONE day needed is put off until reality slaps you hard. I've had several of those slaps along the way.  And it hurts.

As I was trying on and rejecting articles of clothing for various reasons, namely because of size, the only comforting thought was that I'm headed in the correct direction once again.  And with that thought comes a fierce determination to never see those Destination XL employees again.  Nothing personal toward them...Just, you know.

I settled on a few items and made my way to the counter and another thought occurred to me. I must immediately re-frame my thoughts on this whole situation.

Subjunctive phrasing and thinking is fun and exciting when it's applied to the future because it encourages positive hypothetical thoughts.  When it's directed to the past, it opens up a plethora of opportunities to feel very negative things.  No more of that nonsense.  Did you know some languages never use subjunctives in their language and grammar?  So these type of thoughts never occur to them. They literally don't understand the idea of "If only I had done this, things would be different." In languages void of this, they simply live today, never wandering into the land of "shoulda, woulda, coulda." It's not that they don't understand consequences, they do, but they don't dwell on the imagined consequences of things that never occurred.

If you're like me, someone who's been on both sides of the scale, then you'll get this: We've had one of the rarest opportunities--the experience of transforming into what appears to be a completely different person. But here's the deal--the core of who we are doesn't change. I'm not saying it can't change, of course it can--but these inner changes aren't dependent on diet and exercise.  With good eating and exercise, the appearance changes--the outside, sure--but we're still who we are. And that is who we must love.

I talked to mom on the phone today and explained what I was doing and why and how I was feeling about it and her first question was, "Did you gain weight?"  She loves me regardless of my size, to the point of not even seeing the difference.  She loved 505 pound Sean just as much as 230 pound Sean because she has unconditional love for me.  That doesn't mean she doesn't want me to be healthy, she certainly does, but when she sees me she doesn't see a weight, she sees her son.  And this is what I must do. I must love myself unconditionally, regardless of weight or appearance--simply because I'm me. Anything less and we get all of this negative mental noise plaguing our efforts, weighing us down and making our travels along this road harder than it needs to be.

I know I've written about this self-love and acceptance topic many times and just when I get to the point of thinking I have an honest handle on it, I walk into the dressing room of a big and tall store and I forget everything.

The point of developing the habits, routines and discipline to achieve and maintain a healthy weight can't be because we'll love and accept ourselves more. That part must be a separate deal--a separate work and understanding. Getting to a number on a scale doesn't change the most important element needed for our continued success: A truce, an embrace--an unconditional love of self anchored in our own personal spirituality.  We get that part straight and I believe the body follows the mind.

Perhaps I needed to gain back a portion of what I lost in order for me to learn and deeply understand these things.

I enjoyed a nice walk this morning. It's rare for me to walk in the AM. It felt so good to be out there moving, listening to my favorite music and feeling good about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.  I'm staying connected and that's a big deal.  I'm making me a priority, even more so than before.  I'm taking care the best I can today.  I'm not perfect by any stretch, I'm just me... And ME is going to be alright.

Food was really good today...Oh my, from an amazing turkey melt omelet, to fresh fruit snacking while driving, to the Chipotle visit for a post shopping dinner...I ate well and stayed comfortably within my budget.
If you're interested, you can check out my food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username SeanAAnderson.  And for food pictures, visit me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson

I've had several remind me they don't do twitter, however you can still see the page without an account--simply click on www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  I'm using Twitter and MyFitnessPal this way in order to amp up the accountability factor.  It works very well for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

The radio alarm clock hit 4:30am and blasted Billy Joel throughout my apartment so loud, I can't imagine the neighbors didn't hear. I've asked the two likeliest recipients of this early morning concert if they ever hear anything and they say they haven't heard a thing. Turning the volume level "all the way to 11" has been a regular thing for me my entire life.  And when my body stops fighting the rest and finally goes deep, I need all the decibels I can get to wake. I've slept through an hour of music several times before my alarm clock gives up on me, shutting itself off.  This morning?  I opened my eyes and listened to Billy play and sing so perfectly. Like a scientist assessing results of an experiment, I stayed still, eyes open staring at the wall and pondering the idea of adding learning to play the piano to my list of dreams. That's good because my first thought wasn't, oh my goodness, Lord help me make it through today...my first thought was who teaches piano around here and how much does it cost?  

 I jumped up, turned down the volume and looked in the mirror.  I had the new mask on tight, real tight and the proof was in the red markings on the bridge of my nose and forehead.  My eyes felt better, my head not bad and my body didn't feel horrible at all. All of these positives were proof that this new mask made a difference.  It wasn't easy to get comfortable enough to go to sleep, but when I did, I did sleep. I felt rested. Adjusting to this new full face mask is kind of like trying to go to sleep while opening your mouth directly in front of a high powered fan.  If we could get a video camera inside the mask, I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch.  Eventually I fell into the rhythm of the assisted breathing and slept better than I have in a long while. Of course the more solid proof would be found in how I felt throughout the day.

I had a full day, without a split shift--no nap, not a wink and I was a production machine. A colleague went home early, taking a half day vacation, so I took care of what needed to be done.  And I did it without any trouble, not a bit. This was so good.  I'm so happy, finally--some relief!!

I packed breakfast, fresh fruit snacks and lunch supplies this morning.  Making sure I'm prepared makes keeping the budget in tact much easier.  When lunch rolled around, I was offered a Subway sandwich instead of my planned food and it worked well.  I powered through after lunch, getting more done and still feeling good as I pushed into about an hour of overtime.  My plan wasn't a late afternoon nap.  My plan was to go clothes shopping.  And that sucked.

As much as I hate to spend money on bigger clothes, it's a must. Our expected high on Tuesday is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't keep wearing a cold weather getup.  I have an entire closet full of small clothes just waiting for their triumphant return.  But this takes time and I'll be patient.  I'm headed back into that closet someday in the not too distant future.  It's okay.  And as I looked around for clothes in this temporarily bigger size, I had to keep reminding myself that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm making a wonderful comeback and this time with all the lessons learned along the way.  The more I asserted the positive, the more clothes I found that didn't fit.  It was like a tug of war between my positive thoughts and the reality of where I am.  And where I was, was the wrong store, obviously.

I remember opening an email from a Big and Tall store one time, shortly after hitting 230 pounds and replying to the email with "please take me off your list, I've lost 275 pounds and I no longer need your clothing."  A simple "take me off your list" would have worked, but I was proud and I wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be needing their insanely overpriced clothing.  Now I'm faced with the expensive task of heading to the Big and Tall store once again after I swore I'd never step foot in one again. And that's okay.  It's gotta be okay.  I need clothing. As much as it hurts to walk back in there and as much as my natural inclination is to beat myself up senselessly for it, I must let those emotions go and look at the other side of this deal.

I'm very lucky.  I'm very blessed.  And I have a very long gratitude list.  I've still kept off over 100 pounds of what I initially lost, so its not as unfortunate as it could have been. And I'm finally finding what certainly seems to be a solution to my sleep crisis. Things are looking up!! I'm writing everyday, I'm tracking my food and maintaining a calorie budget too.  I'm feeling like I've returned to a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually where I'm confident I'm headed in the direction I need.  And I'm the 42 year old grandfather of the cutest little 10 month old on the planet. God willing, I've got a whole lot of good life ahead of me. Buying a few clothing items to get me through as I lose more weight really isn't anything to be down about at all.  I'm grateful I have the opportunity to learn and grow from here.

After a good dinner and a wonderful almost two mile walk, I'm ready to hit the pillow.  And I'm looking forward to the experience as I rediscover better rest. My calorie budget is a little bit under target and that's okay tonight.

You're invited to take a peek at my food pictures on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson
And you'll find my food and exercise diary logged on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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