July 1st, 2014 I'm a Former Skeptic
The weather coverage kept me at work until after 2am this morning. By the time I hit the pillow it was after 2:30 and when the alarm started sounding at 5am, I slept right through. Sorry, neighbors! I finally pulled myself out of bed 8 minutes before 6am, eight minutes before I'm supposed to be one of the most wide awake, friendly voices you'll hear on morning radio. Wasn't happening this morning. I called the studio and arranged for a colleague to cover until I arrived. I did arrive a few minutes before 7am. I do not sacrifice my food plan, even in a rush. I took the time to prepare breakfast and pack what I needed for lunch. This practice is too important. I'm important. More so, considering I would possibly be tired and slightly irritable with plenty of mid-morning production and no time for a post-show nap. I'm pretty sure I owe a couple of sales staffers an apology for being uncharacteristically irritable to their needs today.
When the schedule renders me too tired and cranky for my own good, that's when I must be very careful and very deliberate in my plan. If I'm too tired and I haven't planned well, I'm at risk for a perfect storm of not caring mixed with convenience.
I had an offer for free lunch today. A colleague was headed to a local family owned and operated fast food Mexican restaurant and on the way out, he asked if I wanted lunch. Before you think Taco Bell, let me explain: This place is much better. It's been a staple of this town since the 1970's and they're constantly busy. I can't count the number of lunches I've enjoyed from this place, especially since they're located a few blocks from our studios. Everything there is big and heavy--delicious. When you get shredded cheese on something, they don't skimp--ever. I've had a bean burrito from there before that must have had 250 calories worth of cheese and 400 calories worth of beans stuffed inside a large flour tortilla. It's premium stuff as fast food Mexican goes. I would have likely accepted the lunch offer had I not been prepared today. I could have navigated a few different choices and been okay--perhaps a taco salad without the edible bowl, but it would have required an ample amount of guesstimating and I try to keep the guesstimating to a minimum.
I was ready for a small snack and a much deserved nap by the time I arrived home after 2:30pm. It was a solid nap. It was the kind of nap that makes this previously untreated sleep apnea sufferer wake up and immediately express gratitude for the blessing of good sleep. I'll never again take restful sleep for granted as long as I live. I was up in plenty of time to start preparing a fabulous dinner and prepare for my weekly support group conference call I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri Helms. (By the way--a new 6 week session starts soon if you're interested in joining us--I'll share registration details soon.)
The only problem with a really good hour and forty-five minute nap--and this is in no way a complaint--, is, it's hard to be tired enough for a proper bedtime. Fortunately, tomorrow is a short day for me and followed by a four day weekend. I will once again host our annual 4th of July broadcast from the lake, but it's in the evening of course, not requiring me to be up super early like normal work days.
A friend of mine, after reading last night's blog post, asked me if I'm at all sad about all of the sweet foods I'll miss in my continued abstinence from sugar. Honestly, no, I'm not! Trust me, I've eaten more Snickers Bars and mint chocolate chip ice cream shakes to last me a lifetime--and if I never have another, I would still have eaten more than the average person. It's a trade. I trade the temporary indulgence of those items and others for a lifetime free of the effects sugar undoubtedly has on me. I'm getting the good end of the deal here.
By the way, I'm very aware of the skepticism food addiction and more specifically, sugar addiction sometimes receives. I was once one of the biggest skeptics. What you need to know about me is, I'm a big believer in the power we have to convince ourselves we're something we may not be--applying a label and allowing it to become part of our identity in some form of obsessive-compulsive belief started with a big self-diagnosis. What I hope you recognize is, through my trials and real life personal experimentation and study, I'm now, without a doubt, one thousand percent convinced that food/sugar addiction is as real and powerful as any other addiction and resulting behavior. I suppose you could say I had to find out the hard way.
I've referred many times to food addiction in my previous writings, even in my book. The patterns of behavior I've described throughout my history is a brutal combination of emotional/stress eating and addictive reaction behaviors. What kept me skeptical for so long--was the theory that my behaviors could be regulated in a way, allowing me to have a somewhat normal relationship with all foods. Seriously, I lost 275 pounds "regulating" all the way! As soon as I loosened the regulations, struggle returned and so did excessive amounts of weight. I'd rather "regulate" within a few specific boundaries and have it be something I can live with forever, rather than walk a tight rope the rest of my life.
If you're normal and you can achieve a relatively healthy relationship with all foods, then you're blessed and I'm very happy for you. I can't. I'm not normal. And saying "I'm not normal" isn't something of a bad thing, not at all. It means I have special needs worthy of my extra attention. And I'm worth the effort.
Once upon a time, my resistance of acceptance would build immediately in the presence of someone touting the practices and benefits of food addiction recovery in the traditional sense. My previous skepticism was grounded in my desperate attempt to hold onto something I felt I needed to keep in order to survive. It's interesting to me that the reality of my personal situation is quite contrary: My survival actually depends on my ability, willingness and acceptance of letting go.
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Workout and dinner tonight were both fantastic. If you're interested, I post a picture and calorie counts of everything I eat to my Twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson (You do NOT need a Twitter account to view the page and tweets--only to interact) It's not meant to be an example, a standard, a suggestion or anything like that. We're all different. I eat what I like and nothing I don't. And you may or may not like what I enjoy. I refuse to eat something I can't stand as a means to an end along this road. Because, my friend, this road doesn't end until the day we die. It's not my point to endure something until a set goal is reached--it's my point to craft a journey I can enjoy the rest of my God given time on earth.
Tomorrow is my 10 week weigh-in day. I'm incredibly excited to walk into the doctors office and step on the scale. I'll save the guesses and I'll be prepared for whatever the scale shows.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Showing posts with label cpap therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cpap therapy. Show all posts
Tuesday, July 1, 2014
Saturday, May 10, 2014
May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought
May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought
I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning. It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon. I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me. It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day. Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.
My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three. What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain. After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today. A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right. I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller. I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.
It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success. I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be. It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day. When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour. My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment. And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.
I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey. I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey. See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today. I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk. I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits. I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me. Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.
I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles. I might need to consider a new pair of shoes. The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.
Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up. This could be interesting.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning. It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon. I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me. It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day. Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.
My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three. What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain. After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today. A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right. I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller. I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.
It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success. I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be. It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day. When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour. My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment. And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.
I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey. I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey. See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today. I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk. I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits. I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me. Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.
I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles. I might need to consider a new pair of shoes. The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.
Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up. This could be interesting.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
May 6th, 2014 My Obsession
May 6th, 2014 My Obsession
I'm certainly still working on finding a balance with time management. You may have noticed my regular postings, not only on this blog but on twitter and MyFitnessPal--these are accountability tools I've given top priority. And I'm happy to report they're working wonderfully. Is it too much? Obsessive? Perhaps. And that's perfectly fine. It's fine because it's doing wonderful things for me.
I spend a good amount of time alone and I like my time and space, I do. But being alone too much is tricky when you're in recovery. By maintaining a blog writing schedule, facebook and a twitter feed, I instantly don't feel alone at all. And I sincerely thank you for your support.
I'm getting better sleep, although I woke up again this morning with cramping from swallowing air. I still feel more rested than I have in a very long time.
Now that I have my priorities and my accountability tools firmly in place, it's time to rearrange some things for better time management. I must get to bed earlier and still make sure I take the time to exercise and write. I'm making a huge commitment to myself. But I believe it's worth every bit of effort I'm exerting.
I'm cutting this blog entry short because it's 10:30pm and I really must hit the pillow. I'll do it under budget and after just completing a solid 1.7 mile walk.
I enjoyed a wonderful support group call tonight. We had special guest speaker Phil Werdell M.A., the director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute. You can discover their amazing website at www.foodaddiction.com I asked him a question about how I've dramatically increased my accountability tools of late and if this was my recovery, or just recovery, and if he could see anything needing concern in that way. And although I may not be articulating the intent of my question well, what he shared was wonderful. During his recovery process, it was suggested that he was now addicted to going to meetings, and he agreed. And it was good.
I just might be addicted to writing this blog and sharing this journey. I could perhaps call it my obsession.
And that's awesome for me.
For food pictures and calorie counts visit my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
For the companion exercise and food diary (if you have MyFitnessPal) friend me on MyFitnessPal--username: SeanAAnderson
Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I'm certainly still working on finding a balance with time management. You may have noticed my regular postings, not only on this blog but on twitter and MyFitnessPal--these are accountability tools I've given top priority. And I'm happy to report they're working wonderfully. Is it too much? Obsessive? Perhaps. And that's perfectly fine. It's fine because it's doing wonderful things for me.
I spend a good amount of time alone and I like my time and space, I do. But being alone too much is tricky when you're in recovery. By maintaining a blog writing schedule, facebook and a twitter feed, I instantly don't feel alone at all. And I sincerely thank you for your support.
I'm getting better sleep, although I woke up again this morning with cramping from swallowing air. I still feel more rested than I have in a very long time.
Now that I have my priorities and my accountability tools firmly in place, it's time to rearrange some things for better time management. I must get to bed earlier and still make sure I take the time to exercise and write. I'm making a huge commitment to myself. But I believe it's worth every bit of effort I'm exerting.
I'm cutting this blog entry short because it's 10:30pm and I really must hit the pillow. I'll do it under budget and after just completing a solid 1.7 mile walk.
I enjoyed a wonderful support group call tonight. We had special guest speaker Phil Werdell M.A., the director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute. You can discover their amazing website at www.foodaddiction.com I asked him a question about how I've dramatically increased my accountability tools of late and if this was my recovery, or just recovery, and if he could see anything needing concern in that way. And although I may not be articulating the intent of my question well, what he shared was wonderful. During his recovery process, it was suggested that he was now addicted to going to meetings, and he agreed. And it was good.
I just might be addicted to writing this blog and sharing this journey. I could perhaps call it my obsession.
And that's awesome for me.
For food pictures and calorie counts visit my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson
For the companion exercise and food diary (if you have MyFitnessPal) friend me on MyFitnessPal--username: SeanAAnderson
Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Sunday, May 4, 2014
May 4th, 2014 A Good Sunday
May 4th, 2014 A Good Sunday
I took some time to prepare my breakfast just right this morning. I enjoyed the process, a much better experience than inhaling a bag of whatever from a drive through. It requires me to slow down and enjoy my food, from preparation to the plate. I love making omelets. I take enormous pride in my omelet making skills. My uncle Jimmy taught me how to make an omelet when I was a pre-teen and I've never lost the touch. I once entertained the idea of offering fresh omelet making services of some kind, somewhere--that's how much I love making them. A well prepared omelet is like a work of art.
I visited a little bit with my oldest daughter Amber this morning before heading to the grocery store for a few things. I tend to gravitate toward a standard list. I'm such a creature of habit. If you browse the food pics on Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) you'll notice I'm pretty much a taco fanatic. Beef tacos, chicken tacos, turkey tacos--I've even tried my own version of fish tacos and a scrambled egg filled breakfast taco. I'm out of Joseph's Pita's for a bit and I couldn't find any today, so I may need to order from www.netrition.com I swear Joseph's Bakery doesn't pay me a dime to promote their 60 calorie pitas!! Although they did send me a nice hand written letter and a complimentary case of pitas a few years ago.
I came home, prepared a turkey burger and an extra large helping of sweet potato fries and watched a documentary on screen writing. I only made it half way through the documentary when I paused and started thinking about yesterday's experience.
This is why I write this blog--I needed to write what I did yesterday for me to make a better connection with it all. Those kinds of deep explorations happen around here occasionally.
I enjoyed a different kind of fish tonight, Swai and some jumbo shrimp. I wasn't too impressed with the Swai. I had never heard of it before. Apparently it's a catfish or a close cousin to the catfish. It was fairly inexpensive, so I thought I might as well give it a shot. I'll explore other methods of preparation and serving because I have the rest of the bag in the freezer.
After another 1.7 mile walk tonight, I headed over to see Noah. Noah will be 10 months old on Tuesday! Seeing him always reminds me of one of the big reasons taking the best care of myself is critically important. I want to have a long and wonderful relationship with him.
It's late and my new mask awaits! I've been sleeping a lot better with this new cpap mask. It's a BIG difference.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
I took some time to prepare my breakfast just right this morning. I enjoyed the process, a much better experience than inhaling a bag of whatever from a drive through. It requires me to slow down and enjoy my food, from preparation to the plate. I love making omelets. I take enormous pride in my omelet making skills. My uncle Jimmy taught me how to make an omelet when I was a pre-teen and I've never lost the touch. I once entertained the idea of offering fresh omelet making services of some kind, somewhere--that's how much I love making them. A well prepared omelet is like a work of art.
I visited a little bit with my oldest daughter Amber this morning before heading to the grocery store for a few things. I tend to gravitate toward a standard list. I'm such a creature of habit. If you browse the food pics on Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) you'll notice I'm pretty much a taco fanatic. Beef tacos, chicken tacos, turkey tacos--I've even tried my own version of fish tacos and a scrambled egg filled breakfast taco. I'm out of Joseph's Pita's for a bit and I couldn't find any today, so I may need to order from www.netrition.com I swear Joseph's Bakery doesn't pay me a dime to promote their 60 calorie pitas!! Although they did send me a nice hand written letter and a complimentary case of pitas a few years ago.
I came home, prepared a turkey burger and an extra large helping of sweet potato fries and watched a documentary on screen writing. I only made it half way through the documentary when I paused and started thinking about yesterday's experience.
This is why I write this blog--I needed to write what I did yesterday for me to make a better connection with it all. Those kinds of deep explorations happen around here occasionally.
I enjoyed a different kind of fish tonight, Swai and some jumbo shrimp. I wasn't too impressed with the Swai. I had never heard of it before. Apparently it's a catfish or a close cousin to the catfish. It was fairly inexpensive, so I thought I might as well give it a shot. I'll explore other methods of preparation and serving because I have the rest of the bag in the freezer.
After another 1.7 mile walk tonight, I headed over to see Noah. Noah will be 10 months old on Tuesday! Seeing him always reminds me of one of the big reasons taking the best care of myself is critically important. I want to have a long and wonderful relationship with him.
It's late and my new mask awaits! I've been sleeping a lot better with this new cpap mask. It's a BIG difference.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Friday, May 2, 2014
May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief
May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief
The radio alarm clock hit 4:30am and blasted Billy Joel throughout my apartment so loud, I can't imagine the neighbors didn't hear. I've asked the two likeliest recipients of this early morning concert if they ever hear anything and they say they haven't heard a thing. Turning the volume level "all the way to 11" has been a regular thing for me my entire life. And when my body stops fighting the rest and finally goes deep, I need all the decibels I can get to wake. I've slept through an hour of music several times before my alarm clock gives up on me, shutting itself off. This morning? I opened my eyes and listened to Billy play and sing so perfectly. Like a scientist assessing results of an experiment, I stayed still, eyes open staring at the wall and pondering the idea of adding learning to play the piano to my list of dreams. That's good because my first thought wasn't, oh my goodness, Lord help me make it through today...my first thought was who teaches piano around here and how much does it cost?
I jumped up, turned down the volume and looked in the mirror. I had the new mask on tight, real tight and the proof was in the red markings on the bridge of my nose and forehead. My eyes felt better, my head not bad and my body didn't feel horrible at all. All of these positives were proof that this new mask made a difference. It wasn't easy to get comfortable enough to go to sleep, but when I did, I did sleep. I felt rested. Adjusting to this new full face mask is kind of like trying to go to sleep while opening your mouth directly in front of a high powered fan. If we could get a video camera inside the mask, I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch. Eventually I fell into the rhythm of the assisted breathing and slept better than I have in a long while. Of course the more solid proof would be found in how I felt throughout the day.
I had a full day, without a split shift--no nap, not a wink and I was a production machine. A colleague went home early, taking a half day vacation, so I took care of what needed to be done. And I did it without any trouble, not a bit. This was so good. I'm so happy, finally--some relief!!
I packed breakfast, fresh fruit snacks and lunch supplies this morning. Making sure I'm prepared makes keeping the budget in tact much easier. When lunch rolled around, I was offered a Subway sandwich instead of my planned food and it worked well. I powered through after lunch, getting more done and still feeling good as I pushed into about an hour of overtime. My plan wasn't a late afternoon nap. My plan was to go clothes shopping. And that sucked.
As much as I hate to spend money on bigger clothes, it's a must. Our expected high on Tuesday is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't keep wearing a cold weather getup. I have an entire closet full of small clothes just waiting for their triumphant return. But this takes time and I'll be patient. I'm headed back into that closet someday in the not too distant future. It's okay. And as I looked around for clothes in this temporarily bigger size, I had to keep reminding myself that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm making a wonderful comeback and this time with all the lessons learned along the way. The more I asserted the positive, the more clothes I found that didn't fit. It was like a tug of war between my positive thoughts and the reality of where I am. And where I was, was the wrong store, obviously.
I remember opening an email from a Big and Tall store one time, shortly after hitting 230 pounds and replying to the email with "please take me off your list, I've lost 275 pounds and I no longer need your clothing." A simple "take me off your list" would have worked, but I was proud and I wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be needing their insanely overpriced clothing. Now I'm faced with the expensive task of heading to the Big and Tall store once again after I swore I'd never step foot in one again. And that's okay. It's gotta be okay. I need clothing. As much as it hurts to walk back in there and as much as my natural inclination is to beat myself up senselessly for it, I must let those emotions go and look at the other side of this deal.
I'm very lucky. I'm very blessed. And I have a very long gratitude list. I've still kept off over 100 pounds of what I initially lost, so its not as unfortunate as it could have been. And I'm finally finding what certainly seems to be a solution to my sleep crisis. Things are looking up!! I'm writing everyday, I'm tracking my food and maintaining a calorie budget too. I'm feeling like I've returned to a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually where I'm confident I'm headed in the direction I need. And I'm the 42 year old grandfather of the cutest little 10 month old on the planet. God willing, I've got a whole lot of good life ahead of me. Buying a few clothing items to get me through as I lose more weight really isn't anything to be down about at all. I'm grateful I have the opportunity to learn and grow from here.
After a good dinner and a wonderful almost two mile walk, I'm ready to hit the pillow. And I'm looking forward to the experience as I rediscover better rest. My calorie budget is a little bit under target and that's okay tonight.
You're invited to take a peek at my food pictures on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson
And you'll find my food and exercise diary logged on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
The radio alarm clock hit 4:30am and blasted Billy Joel throughout my apartment so loud, I can't imagine the neighbors didn't hear. I've asked the two likeliest recipients of this early morning concert if they ever hear anything and they say they haven't heard a thing. Turning the volume level "all the way to 11" has been a regular thing for me my entire life. And when my body stops fighting the rest and finally goes deep, I need all the decibels I can get to wake. I've slept through an hour of music several times before my alarm clock gives up on me, shutting itself off. This morning? I opened my eyes and listened to Billy play and sing so perfectly. Like a scientist assessing results of an experiment, I stayed still, eyes open staring at the wall and pondering the idea of adding learning to play the piano to my list of dreams. That's good because my first thought wasn't, oh my goodness, Lord help me make it through today...my first thought was who teaches piano around here and how much does it cost?
I jumped up, turned down the volume and looked in the mirror. I had the new mask on tight, real tight and the proof was in the red markings on the bridge of my nose and forehead. My eyes felt better, my head not bad and my body didn't feel horrible at all. All of these positives were proof that this new mask made a difference. It wasn't easy to get comfortable enough to go to sleep, but when I did, I did sleep. I felt rested. Adjusting to this new full face mask is kind of like trying to go to sleep while opening your mouth directly in front of a high powered fan. If we could get a video camera inside the mask, I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch. Eventually I fell into the rhythm of the assisted breathing and slept better than I have in a long while. Of course the more solid proof would be found in how I felt throughout the day.
I had a full day, without a split shift--no nap, not a wink and I was a production machine. A colleague went home early, taking a half day vacation, so I took care of what needed to be done. And I did it without any trouble, not a bit. This was so good. I'm so happy, finally--some relief!!
I packed breakfast, fresh fruit snacks and lunch supplies this morning. Making sure I'm prepared makes keeping the budget in tact much easier. When lunch rolled around, I was offered a Subway sandwich instead of my planned food and it worked well. I powered through after lunch, getting more done and still feeling good as I pushed into about an hour of overtime. My plan wasn't a late afternoon nap. My plan was to go clothes shopping. And that sucked.
As much as I hate to spend money on bigger clothes, it's a must. Our expected high on Tuesday is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't keep wearing a cold weather getup. I have an entire closet full of small clothes just waiting for their triumphant return. But this takes time and I'll be patient. I'm headed back into that closet someday in the not too distant future. It's okay. And as I looked around for clothes in this temporarily bigger size, I had to keep reminding myself that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm making a wonderful comeback and this time with all the lessons learned along the way. The more I asserted the positive, the more clothes I found that didn't fit. It was like a tug of war between my positive thoughts and the reality of where I am. And where I was, was the wrong store, obviously.
I remember opening an email from a Big and Tall store one time, shortly after hitting 230 pounds and replying to the email with "please take me off your list, I've lost 275 pounds and I no longer need your clothing." A simple "take me off your list" would have worked, but I was proud and I wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be needing their insanely overpriced clothing. Now I'm faced with the expensive task of heading to the Big and Tall store once again after I swore I'd never step foot in one again. And that's okay. It's gotta be okay. I need clothing. As much as it hurts to walk back in there and as much as my natural inclination is to beat myself up senselessly for it, I must let those emotions go and look at the other side of this deal.
I'm very lucky. I'm very blessed. And I have a very long gratitude list. I've still kept off over 100 pounds of what I initially lost, so its not as unfortunate as it could have been. And I'm finally finding what certainly seems to be a solution to my sleep crisis. Things are looking up!! I'm writing everyday, I'm tracking my food and maintaining a calorie budget too. I'm feeling like I've returned to a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually where I'm confident I'm headed in the direction I need. And I'm the 42 year old grandfather of the cutest little 10 month old on the planet. God willing, I've got a whole lot of good life ahead of me. Buying a few clothing items to get me through as I lose more weight really isn't anything to be down about at all. I'm grateful I have the opportunity to learn and grow from here.
After a good dinner and a wonderful almost two mile walk, I'm ready to hit the pillow. And I'm looking forward to the experience as I rediscover better rest. My calorie budget is a little bit under target and that's okay tonight.
You're invited to take a peek at my food pictures on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson
And you'll find my food and exercise diary logged on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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