June 22nd, 2014 Blissfully Not Busy

June 22nd, 2014 Blissfully Not Busy

Every weekend I tell myself I'll get it done and every weekend we get to this point and it isn't done. I'm writing about the list of things I can do to enhance what I'm already doing. It's like having a demented coach inside my head, pushing me further and never letting well enough be good enough. This internal dialogue is baloney because I am doing well and it is good enough.

I planned on doing some precooking, design a vision board, look into what I need to do to get a weekly podcast started and dive into building a do-it-yourself website for a domain I've had reserved for the last two years. I could really be hard on myself right now. But you know what? Nah...I'm good. No more of that stuff.

When the road is smooth and it seems like I'm on cruise control with food, exercise and the mental/emotional elements--my brain suddenly tries to take everything up a few notches. If we can do this, then we can also do this and that--and oh, here's an idea!!  Settling down and just being okay is something that takes effort. It's like I'm scared of losing what I'm experiencing, so I automatically go into overdrive.

Instead of beating myself up for not accomplishing certain tasks this weekend, I'm patting myself on the back for being okay. Because things have been very okay lately. I'm proud of myself. I'm grateful. I'm okay.

For quite some time the internal voice was telling me that this "okay" would be impossible to feel again. I was convinced the voice was right, but still I kept having periods of fighting followed by periods of not caring, then fighting--and back and forth.  A Tweet from Ralph Marston hit me square today:

What you fight against, fights back. What you embrace, you can influence and control.
— Ralph Marston (@ralphmarston) June 21, 2014

Ralph Marston is one of my favorite philosophers. You can see more of his work and subscribe to his site at www.greatday.com Check out Ralph's Monday June 23rd entry on his website titled "Peace and Quiet." Yes sir, Mr. Marston, I'm sincerely applying a healthy appreciation for peace and quiet. A coincidence he would have that message on his site when I'm experiencing the same dynamics. It's so fascinating how we often read or hear what we need at precisely the right time. You know what I mean?

I enjoyed cooking breakfast and lunch today. I accepted an invitation from a friend for dinner. The menu was something I could do. While there, I traded services: I mowed the lawn and in exchange had my uni-brow waxed and eye brows trimmed and of course the dinner. I didn't immediately think of mowing as exercise, but why not?? It was a push mower and I was sweating! I decided to enter it into MyFitnessPal and yes, it was listed. According to MFP, I burned over 400 calories in the short 30 minute mowing. I was happy to do it. And my wildly hairy eyebrows look and feel much better now. In 20 to 30 years, I will have eye brows like the late great Andy Rooney, that is, if I don't stay on top of them! It's actually a blessing and I'm grateful for my good hair genes.

This weekend has been a wonderful experience. I took advantage of the schedule-less time and got plenty of much needed rest. Did I do everything I wanted to do this weekend? No. And I'm glad I didn't.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

June 21st, 2014 A Day Without A Schedule

Today was mine. All mine. I mentioned last night how I planned to sleep in and I did! I slept late until almost 11am! It was so good, so refreshing, solid sleep. I needed it and I took it! I had a rare Saturday off. No schedule, nowhere to be--just a day for me. It was nice, but one thing was missing: The structure of a schedule.

As confident as I am, as determined and spirited as I can be--still, the idea of having a day absent of structure in schedule was slightly worrisome. I'm up at 4:30am on a typical work day. I prepare breakfast and snacks, and depending on what I've kept in the fridge at work, I might pack something for lunch. I make sure I have everything I need food wise to get me through until late afternoon. The only variables remaining is a late afternoon snack, dinner and my #lastfoodofday. The structure of the schedule acts like gutter protectors used for little kids' bowling parties. 

On a day like today, the gutter protectors are pulled back and I must rely on my instincts to navigate the day as I create a schedule on the fly, without slipping into the gutter. I feel like I almost bowled a perfect game today without the gutter protectors. The only "complaint" I have is, often when I combine breakfast and lunch, I end up short on my calorie budget by the end of the day. I put quotations around the word complaint, because really--I have no real complaints. Things are going really well lately. I did end up with over 300 calories remaining for my #lastfoodofday, so I decided a sirloin and swiss melt dry-grilled (Foreman grill) sandwich on a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita with a side of cantaloupe would do just fine. And it was wonderful. Never mind that it was midnight. It's almost 1am as I write this post, so it's not like I consumed the 289 calories and immediately dropped in bed.

The accountability system I've put in place is working wonders for me. This system plays a big role in keeping me "surrounded" by wonderful supportive people like you! I never feel alone, even when it's just me and a kitchen full of food and all day to do nothing if I so choose.

Of course I took advantage of the extra time to get creative in the kitchen. I'm starting to get super passionate about cooking and experimenting with different foods and calorie values. My brunch today was one of those experiments.

Brunch! Crepe style eggs stuffed w/Swiss and a green chili cream sauce, with avocado, strwberrs, cantaloupe. 535 cal. pic.twitter.com/LNrqDhN202
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 21, 2014

When I'm super proud of something, I'll also post it to my facebook page. Karsten, who has lost an incredible amount of weight and is still losing, commented that for him, the count was too high for a single meal. So I offered some modifications: "...totally understand your concern! Since I was combining breakfast and lunch, I opted for a higher count on this. The great thing is, it could be modified easily... Using two egg whites instead of four would make each crepe style omelet thinner, but still good--using 1/2 serv of sour cream would allow the flavor of the green chili sauce to come through better, using only one slice of swiss, cut in half--instead of two full slices wouldn't have had much impact on flavor or texture either...1/2 the avocado is an easy cal cutting strategy and of course 1/2 the fruit too... If all of these suggestions were followed, this delicious brunch would have checked in at a very reasonable 313 calories. Delish!!"

The green chili cream sauce is simple--just mix 30g (40cal) of light sour cream with four tablespoons of green chili taco sauce. The flavor of the sauce, the melted swiss and the avocado made this meatless brunch out of this world good!

I spent a good amount of time reading and commenting on blogs, catching up on emails and I even exchanged some support texts with a friend. When I stay connected with my weight loss blogging friends, I get a real sense of community. We are strong!! By the way--if you have a weight loss blog and you're not sure if I have it on my blogroll or not, please leave a comment with the address to your blog. I'd love to check it out!

I'm excited to announce that a change in design is coming to this blog. You might say, "Sean--seriously, let it go--the person who called your blog ugly was being shallow and harsh. Stop taking it so personal." And I get that. Although the comment was the epitome of superficial and rather harsh, the anonymous poster did refer to the content as "interesting," before slamming the layout and design. I'll take that as a positive. Anyway, my point is--I heard from a bunch of people concerning this comment. Since I have an open mind and I'm willing to admit when good points are made, contrary to my own--I listen. And it benefits me in wonderful ways. I've always focused on content, not aesthetics. My attitude has always been: If the message is real and honest--helps me by getting it out and onto the page--and if it helps someone else, that's a bonus--but really, if it accomplishes all of that--then who cares what it looks like? 

Some good points were made. People whom I respect and admire said things like, "I look forward to reading each entry, but because of the layout and design, it is a little hard to read sometimes." Then I opened a wonderful email from a long time supporter and fellow blogger who just happens to be a very talented artist too and she showed me a wonderful mock up of a design. It was absolutely perfect. And she put some considerable thought into it. On the proposed design, she writes:

Colors & design: Down to earth, simple, clean and straightforward, like you.

Fonts: Casual handwriting at top, nothing pretentious; then American Typewriter for intro, like an old journal entry.

Pen: Old and well worn, used a lot for this journey.

Logo: CHOOSE CHANGE, forged steel look; iron-clad determination; forged in the fire of trials & triumphs.

I'm beside myself excited about the upcoming change! It'll take a little while, maybe a few weeks. When it's ready, you'll know it because this blog will look amazing and be much easier on the eyes; easier to read.

When it's done, I'll reveal the artist behind the design, reintroducing you to one of my favorite people in blogland! All of the content and features will remain the same, only the colors and design will change.

I enjoyed a wonderful workout at the YMCA this afternoon. I sometimes like to pick a day to skip the workout and usually it falls on the weekend--and today would have been a decent day to skip, but I was feeling so good, I wanted to feel even better and a good workout always gives me a boost. I'm glad I decided to go. Arriving at the facility an hour before closing time on a Saturday is perfect because it's like you have the entire place to yourself. I really cut loose on the lip syncing this afternoon. It was fun!

I received a text from a longtime friend this evening. He and his dad were in town for dinner and he wanted to know if I was available for a visit. I first met this friend when he was 12 or 13 years old and I was 19 or 20, maybe 21, I can't remember. His dad owned a radio station and I was applying for a job. Dave didn't like me at first, the new guy hired by his dad--but over the years, he softened and a relationship of mutual respect developed. I was there at his Eagle Scout ceremony and years later at his beautiful wedding. He's one of those people who naturally inspires you to be a better person, simply by being himself. Him and his dad both--great people. Oh, by the way-"the kid" Dave, is now an Emmy award winning television producer. I'm so very proud of him. I love these two guys. What a wonderful surprise to have them both a short drive away. We met at the studios downtown and had the most amazing visit. They both wanted to see Team Radio's state of the art studios built into an old historic (1927) vaudevillian theatre. We reminisced about the old days and laughed so much. It was an absolute pleasure. My only regret is, we didn't all mic up and record the conversation. It was that much fun. 

One of the things I recognized afterward, was the level of joy the visit brought me and how my current state of peace and calm certainly contributed to my ability to relax, be myself and enjoy the moments. In the middle of the darkness that surrounds extreme struggle, I wouldn't have been as receptive to the visit. I may not have even replied to the text message. It wouldn't have been anything personal toward them--it would have been me, waist deep in my own misery--isolating and not wanting to see anyone I didn't absolutely have to see. Isn't it interesting, the domino effect of feeling good about ourselves and who we are, what we're all about? It makes the things that bring us joy, even better. Everything is enhanced. It hasn't anything to do with the food and exercise, and everything to do with the identity/self-worth epiphanies discussed in the May 15th post.

My Sean Day was a good one. I finished the day just under budget. I flexed my creative side in the kitchen. I exercised. I reached out in support of others (this element helps me too, tremendously). And I paused long enough to express thanks and gratitude for where I am today, with a prayer that I remain firmly on track.

If you're on MyFitnessPal, friend me! My user name is SeanAAnderson. I use it to log all of my food and exercise--and it's updated with accurate weight loss statistics.  My food diary is set to public, so if you see a food picture I've tweeted and you're curious about the ingredients and precise amounts used, it's all there! The one thing I rarely do on MyFitnessPal is interact. I've allowed myself to not be overly worried about this--because I am very active on facebook, twitter and this blog--so social media wise, I feel like I'm doing the best and most I can at this time. 

If you're into food pictures and calorie counts, my Live-Tweet twitter feed of everything I eat might be right up your alley. It's certainly not for everybody! The purpose of it isn't to be an example or anything like that--if you're a regular reader, you know my food philosophy--we're all different... and what I like, you may not. I maintain the Twitter feed for my own benefit. This accountability tool has been a giant difference maker for me of late. It's inspired me to not only eat better, but to slow down and enjoy my food more.  If you're interested in the Twitter feed, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a Twitter account to view the page and tweet history, only to interact.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

------------------------------------------------

Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

June 10th, 2014 It's Amazing What A Shift in Perspective Can Do

The search that started and successfully ended last night, thanks to the power of Facebook actually started several months ago. I visit with my mom on a regular basis and when I'm with her I rarely talk about me. I want to know how she's doing, mentally and emotionally.  How she feels is important to me, not at all unlike the concern most of us have for a loved one, or several.  You see, being raised by her, loved, nurtured, protected and seeing her in the most honest light, I've come to believe she is one of the most loving people on this earth.  Proud son talking about his momma? Perhaps. But seriously...

Throughout the history of my entire life, I can count on one hand how many times I've heard her speak in a severely negative way about anyone. The only time I've ever witnessed her show any semblance of anger and rage was when I was challenging her to the extreme as a kid or when she was standing up for me. Her being the mother of a special needs son, I watched her patience spread thin with my little brother, but never breaking, always loving--always caring, always protective. I would do anything for her.

It was sometime last fall while we were having dinner and coffee at our favorite diner when mom asked me a favor. "What is it, mom?" I knew something was on her mind and she was hesitant to ask. I encouraged her and eventually she asked, "Will you find him for me?" (I've replaced his name with the pronoun in an effort to respect his privacy--after brazenly disrespecting it last night). I immediately asked "why?"

"I just want to see him one more time and say a few words," she said. "How would I find him?"  "You have a lot of friends on facebook, maybe they could help." 

I tried a few general searches using the information she gave me and came up empty every time. I was kind of hoping mom would forget this idea, but with every visit, his name would come up. "Mom, you realize he could be dead or happily married with a family. How would he react to this some 50 years later?"  At this point mom would usually drop the subject. But it became more and more clear to me that this was something very important to her. What if something happened to her and I didn't at least give it 100% effort? She's never asked me for much, so why not give it a try?

I posted about this on facebook last night in the best way I knew how. The response was overwhelming. Thank you if you were one who participated. After over 200 shares and numerous comments, it was clear this search had immediately turned into a massive group effort. Less than three hours later I was on the phone with an investigator in California who specializes in finding people, mainly for class reunions. I had all of the details I needed to make contact. He was alive and well. Since that conversation, four others have correctly ID'd the person of interest.

He answered the first number I called today. I spoke to him for one minute and thirty-six seconds. I was apologetic for bothering him, identified myself and my mother. I asked if he remembered the name and he confirmed he did remember. I then proceeded to tell him why I was calling. "The intention isn't to try to rekindle or revisit something from a half century ago. I just wanted to know if you would remotely consider a short visit, even if it's just an hour over lunch?" There was a slight pause and then, "No, no I would not." 

I immediately apologized for bothering him, told him I completely understood and then apologized again for the contact. And that was it.

Afterward I sat alone in my studio pondering this whole situation. And after some counsel from the very wise investigator known as "Sherlock" in California, I realized it was okay. Unleashing a social media storm in an effort to find him was certainly effective but it wasn't necessarily fair to him. Out of respect for him, his family and their privacy, we're going to leave this be once and for all.

I spoke with mom not long after and her first words were filled with gratitude for everyone who helped me fulfill this request of hers. She seemed upbeat and positive, despite the news. And we had a wonderful conversation about how and why this response was normal and okay. And a deeper conversation about the importance of focusing on the future instead of the past. Mom is a young 68. She's in relatively good health, considering--with a few treatable ailments. And God willing, she has a lot of life ahead of her. I love her dearly and I so badly wanted this to turn out differently. But honestly, it may have turned out the best possible way, anyhow. I plan on visiting mom this weekend and once again we'll discuss things important to us both. I feel good in knowing that this is one subject we can let rest...just let it be, let it go and be okay. And we can learn from it in wonderful ways.

--------------------------------------------
I planned and prepared my food today as always and that's good, because that was one less thing to think about today. We had a big party hosted by the broadcasting company I work for and the invite list including every member of the local chamber of commerce. This event is an annual thing. A few years ago, at goal, I donned a tuxedo at this event. Last year, I donned a noticeably larger tuxedo and this year, no tuxedo. I was just casually and wonderfully me.  Not once did I fret over seeing some of these people I hadn't for over a year. I confidently shook hands and smiled and made my way around the room talking to as many as I could. It's amazing what a shift in perspective can do.

If this event would have happened two months ago, I would have come up with some reason to duck out or not show up at all. The interesting revelation is...

What would have kept me from enjoying myself had this event happened two months ago? It really wouldn't have been the fear of what people would think of me after weight gain, it would have been the self-punishment found in projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge. Let that marinate for a minute.

How we feel about ourselves is a very powerful thing. For someone as sensitive as me, projecting how I feel about myself onto others, without their knowledge, has been a source of a lot of needless shame, embarrassment and guilt. Newsflash: We're all human! The great news is, it works both ways. I projected a genuine feeling of peace and confidence this evening and I projected it toward everyone around me. Not once did I feel the negative emotions that once upon a time came so easily. I pray this feeling stays with me forever. I will continue doing the inside work needed to maintain this non-physical part of my transformation.

I did leave the party slightly early in order to make my 7pm Tuesday night group conference call. It was once again a great experience. Afterward, I cooked dinner, enjoyed it and then headed for a late workout at the YMCA.

Tomorrow is weigh day! I can't wait to report the number I find. I'm keeping a very level head about whatever the scale says tomorrow. Regardless of the number, I'm not stopping this positive momentum I'm building. If the number is a big loss, I must remind myself to keep my feet on the ground. If it's small or a gain, I'll do the same--with a little help from my friends. Taking back the emotional effects of the scale is important. The numbers don't define who we are. It's for statistical purposes only. And perhaps those statistics can occasionally help inspire small tweaks here and there if needed.

You're welcome to check out my Live-Tweet Twitter feed of all my food and exercise. Also, if you have MyFitnessPal, friend me if you wish, my username is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today

May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today

The positive momentum building here is palpable. That weigh day yesterday, even if some of it was water weight, was over the top. I've been here, I know what's coming and it will slow down, of course. I'm feeling ready for the road ahead.

Some of the mysteries are gone, replaced by experience, hardened by lessons--and that's wonderful. I'm taking a do-over. I thank God that I didn't slip all the way back. I'm thankful I didn't delete this blog when the darkness of the spiral suggested it was the best thing to do. It wasn't the best thing to do at all. But in that mindset everything is flipped, the good things seem repulsive and the bad things alluring. This chance I've been given is an opportunity to move forward into a familiar territory, armed with a fresh perspective, a new appreciation, a reverence for things I didn't give a chance before. I'm not a failure.

I'm not a failure. I'm far from it. In fact, I'm a success. If this sounds like positive self-talk working hard to defeat some deceptive inner dialogue, you're right, it is--but there's a difference now. It doesn't have to work very hard because I believe it. I truly believe those words so deeply, it's become a thing within me. I'm proud of my success.  I'm proud of my experience and what I've been able to learn.  How much better will it be to reach a healthy weight again and understand that I deserve to be there?  To not feel like a stranger in my own skin because this time around I've taken the time to reacquaint myself with the real me, will be a very powerful thing.  And the great thing about this developing relationship is, it isn't something I'll receive when I reach some magical point along the way. It's developing now. And I reap the rewards regardless of my weight.

The best thing that happened today was a phone call from mom.

Last June I accompanied her to the Stillwater Senior Center to see about mom becoming a regular visitor.  She enjoyed the tour and seemed genuinely excited to get to know so many new people.  But brewing in her was this negative inner dialogue about how she would be received.  To anyone that knows my mom, you know she's one of the most loving people in the world. Her smile, her conversation, her spirit--has a way of brightening everything.  She is easily loved by all who meet her. Still, she harbored a deep fear of rejection.  What if they don't like me? 

She's struggled with this for almost a year, even suffering sleepless nights full of anxiety over imaginary scenarios where she's rejected or simply not liked for whatever reason. I understand where that stuff comes from, I do and even while I was doing similar things to myself--I kept trying to encourage her to break free from this hold. Today she did it.

I was at the studio working when she called and told me the great news. It was a wonderful experience for her, everyone was friendly and she's planning on going back a few times a week. Talk about breakthroughs! This is a major breakthrough because she's risen above the negative and untrue inner dialogue, taken a chance and now she's free.

It's like me and the YMCA situation not too long ago.

I'm so very proud of my mom.

Today was a little bit turned around for me.  I was about to head to the Y this afternoon, until I got summoned into work by thunderstorms moving through.  This changed my plan. It was workout, dinner, writing. Instead it was working, dinner, writing and workout.  The rain has left a super moist smell in the air and it's so inviting, I'm headed out there within minutes for a good walk. Tonight's workout will not be as intense as the elliptical, and that's okay. It will be intense in other ways.

For food pictures of everything I enjoy, visit my Twitter account @SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 20th, 2014 Always Learning and Doing What Works

May 20th, 2014 Always Learning and Doing What Works

If you're just now tuning in, reading only the latest entries, then you might think: Wow, this Sean guy has it all figured out! That would be a very incorrect assumption. I don't have it all figured out but I'm doing my best everyday. I've established support and an ultra high level of accountability. I'm doing what works for me.

The thought of committing to a writing schedule and tweeting pictures of every single bite might seem excessive and unnecessary to some. For me, it's the reason why I'm actually looking forward to getting on the scale tomorrow. After twenty years of being near, at or above 500 pounds, I tasted the freedom a healthy body weight provides and it lasted for about a year and a half before I fell into the same patterns of my past. Emotional circumstances, life changes and so many variables accompanied the weight gain that has brought me back today. The biggest lesson I've learned is all about denial of addiction and how just when you start thinking you've got it all figured out, you must check yourself, and check yourself fast.

The emotional epiphanies of late have been nothing short of ground breaking for me.  I'm re-building a foundation for myself. A foundation that will support a lifetime of recovery and all of the wonderful freedom it and a healthy body weight affords. And this will be a life work. There isn't a finish line. Why would there be? So I can turn around and go back the other way? Acceptance and peace with the knowledge of what I must do to remain successfully in recovery is what it's all about. Instead of dread, I feel relief. I feel relieved because I've found hope and promise for a better life when I was seriously starting to doubt I could ever recover.

At my darkest points along the way, I came real close to shutting everything off.  Deleting this blog entirely, deleting my Facebook account and doing my best to put this part of my life behind me. I was that close to giving up.  But time and time again, just as I was about to hit "delete all," an email would come from Jon in Wisconsin with a link to his Spark People blog where he had written about how my journey had inspired him. Days would go by and I'd reach a point of desperation again--just wanting to isolate, be alone--shut everything down and accept that this seemingly hopeless trek was determined to take me out, then I'd open my email and find this:

Hello sean

I hope you still pick up your emails on this account.
I picked up your blog on day 1 and I have not put it down since.  I'm currently on day 142.  I have followed your methods every step of the way and I'm achieving some fantastic results.

The main thing I wanted to email you about was to say

Thank you for saving my life

All the way from the UK
Nick 

The moment I opened Nick's email on my phone, I was sitting in the drive through line at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store waiting on a thousand calorie dose of my preferred drug and hoping nobody in line or any of the employees recognized me as "that guy who lost all that weight and wrote that book and wow, he's put on some weight." If Nick only knew where I am right now, not just physically--in this drive through--but mentally and emotionally--he would likely be shocked, I thought. 

Realizing that I had no idea who or how many might be reading some of the over 820 postings in the archive of this blog, there's no way I could just delete everything. I couldn't do it. And I'm glad I didn't. My hope is, someone like Nick might keep reading and learn from not only my success, but my relapse and recovery.  

We all want long term results. None of us start out thinking, hey--I'd like to get down to a healthy weight to see what it's like--just so I'll know--then I'll be back.  What I'm doing now is what I must to take the best care of me and experience not just long term results, I want long term recovery...that's the goal.  

And isn't it poetic that some of the people expressing gratitude toward me, have actually played a key role in my turnaround? I'm enormously grateful for their support.

Today was a fantastic day in several ways. I'm constantly trying new ways to carefully plan and prepare my food.  Something as simple as dry grilling my sandwich on a Foreman Grill at lunch today, adds variety and a little excitement to my food plan. I enjoyed an appetizer before dinner tonight: Mushroom Pizza Cap! I love these things.  I took a large mushroom cap, filled the center with 1/2 a serving of sugar free marinara and a slice of mozzarella--and baked it until the cheese started to brown. It's one of the most delicious 123 calories of recent memory. Of course I LOVE mushrooms! I've found a lot of people don't.

It's like a mushroom pizza without the crust! I eat it with a knife and fork...and napkins.

My workouts on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA have been progressively better.

I shall now proceed to own this machine. And not a "I broke it and they made me pay for it" type owning. #sweaton pic.twitter.com/5btsvZYxKu
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) May 19, 2014

The biggest victory for me has been walking into the Y with complete confidence and not a shred of the emotions I wrote about not too long ago.  Those fears and emotions were a big hurdle to get over and I just said a prayer, walked in and did what I needed to do. I've since ran into several people I know--many whom I exercised alongside during my initial weight loss--and NOT ONE has given me anything but the most supportive words and sometimes it's just a smile. I'm happy to see them again too.

Thank you for reading and being so wonderfully supportive. If something I've written in these pages has helped you in some way, that's such a wonderful thing to me. It's precious to me, really. I'm just learning. I'll never stop learning along this road.

For the complete food picture tweet stream, follow me on Twitter @SeanAAnderson  I keep a food and exercise journal on MyFitnessPal and you're welcome to join me there too. My username is: SeanAAnderson

I'm looking forward to weighing tomorrow and sharing it with you on my next post.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

May 3rd, 2014 Dressing Room Mirrors

Today was a tough one. It wasn't tough with food and exercise, I did stay within budget and I had a good 1.7 mile walk this morning.  It was tough because I made a trip to buy some clothes to get me through.  I hated to spend money on clothing I know I'll be too small for in a month, but I needed them, so I did it.

Subjunctive thoughts plagued me today, you know the "if only, had I just done X, coulda, woulda, shouda" line of thinking.

Inside that painful box known as the dressing room, surrounded by mirrors revealing the reality that is, I couldn't help but think about my positive plans, hopes and dreams as they once were and then wonder how I ended up back here, looking at a much larger body as if it were a stranger, but knowing it was me...it was all of me. And how did I not realize how far I was heading back?  I foolishly believed one more day wouldn't hurt, but in that line of thinking, the ONE day needed is put off until reality slaps you hard. I've had several of those slaps along the way.  And it hurts.

As I was trying on and rejecting articles of clothing for various reasons, namely because of size, the only comforting thought was that I'm headed in the correct direction once again.  And with that thought comes a fierce determination to never see those Destination XL employees again.  Nothing personal toward them...Just, you know.

I settled on a few items and made my way to the counter and another thought occurred to me. I must immediately re-frame my thoughts on this whole situation.

Subjunctive phrasing and thinking is fun and exciting when it's applied to the future because it encourages positive hypothetical thoughts.  When it's directed to the past, it opens up a plethora of opportunities to feel very negative things.  No more of that nonsense.  Did you know some languages never use subjunctives in their language and grammar?  So these type of thoughts never occur to them. They literally don't understand the idea of "If only I had done this, things would be different." In languages void of this, they simply live today, never wandering into the land of "shoulda, woulda, coulda." It's not that they don't understand consequences, they do, but they don't dwell on the imagined consequences of things that never occurred.

If you're like me, someone who's been on both sides of the scale, then you'll get this: We've had one of the rarest opportunities--the experience of transforming into what appears to be a completely different person. But here's the deal--the core of who we are doesn't change. I'm not saying it can't change, of course it can--but these inner changes aren't dependent on diet and exercise.  With good eating and exercise, the appearance changes--the outside, sure--but we're still who we are. And that is who we must love.

I talked to mom on the phone today and explained what I was doing and why and how I was feeling about it and her first question was, "Did you gain weight?"  She loves me regardless of my size, to the point of not even seeing the difference.  She loved 505 pound Sean just as much as 230 pound Sean because she has unconditional love for me.  That doesn't mean she doesn't want me to be healthy, she certainly does, but when she sees me she doesn't see a weight, she sees her son.  And this is what I must do. I must love myself unconditionally, regardless of weight or appearance--simply because I'm me. Anything less and we get all of this negative mental noise plaguing our efforts, weighing us down and making our travels along this road harder than it needs to be.

I know I've written about this self-love and acceptance topic many times and just when I get to the point of thinking I have an honest handle on it, I walk into the dressing room of a big and tall store and I forget everything.

The point of developing the habits, routines and discipline to achieve and maintain a healthy weight can't be because we'll love and accept ourselves more. That part must be a separate deal--a separate work and understanding. Getting to a number on a scale doesn't change the most important element needed for our continued success: A truce, an embrace--an unconditional love of self anchored in our own personal spirituality.  We get that part straight and I believe the body follows the mind.

Perhaps I needed to gain back a portion of what I lost in order for me to learn and deeply understand these things.

I enjoyed a nice walk this morning. It's rare for me to walk in the AM. It felt so good to be out there moving, listening to my favorite music and feeling good about what I'm doing and how I'm doing it.  I'm staying connected and that's a big deal.  I'm making me a priority, even more so than before.  I'm taking care the best I can today.  I'm not perfect by any stretch, I'm just me... And ME is going to be alright.

Food was really good today...Oh my, from an amazing turkey melt omelet, to fresh fruit snacking while driving, to the Chipotle visit for a post shopping dinner...I ate well and stayed comfortably within my budget.
If you're interested, you can check out my food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username SeanAAnderson.  And for food pictures, visit me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson

I've had several remind me they don't do twitter, however you can still see the page without an account--simply click on www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  I'm using Twitter and MyFitnessPal this way in order to amp up the accountability factor.  It works very well for me.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

April 30th, 2014 The Importance of Importance Level

April 30th, 2014 The Importance of Importance Level

If you enter the term "Importance Level" into the search box at the top of this blog, you'll get back a bunch of results. I've written about it many times because it is crucial to my recovery and success. Importance level isn't defined by words. It's defined by actions.  Deliberate actions.  And speaking from experience, it's something that can easily slip long before we're even aware of the slippage. That's why I'm being extra diligent, extra aware--you can even say the word "obsessed," that's cool with me, because if you're going to be obsessed about something, taking extraordinary care has the fewest drawbacks.

Documenting my food intake through the MyFitnessPal diary and food pics with calorie counts on Twitter has been an added diligent practice I didn't do while initially losing weight. I didn't even write things down back then, opting instead to keep track of my calories in my head with a running total always front and center in my brain.  It worked.  I was wildly successful without these added accountability tools.  I need them now. It's interesting, with most anything else, once you successfully do it, subsequent times are usually easier.  Maintaining a balance with food and exercise, losing weight as a result and taking extraordinary care seem to be something of the opposite. These added tools are important for me.

My Wednesday was a little more stressful because it was the last day of the month. I navigated the calorie budget well, stayed busy and still found time to take care of me.  It was late by the time I hit the walking trail, and I almost took another pass--until I realized, wait a second--I took a pass yesterday, I can't take another.  If the schedule is putting me on the trail at 9:30pm, when I need to be in bed--then I need to take more control of the schedule.  I decided that even if I only made it around once (.83 miles), it would still be a victory.  Once I got out there, I made it around twice and back to the car for 1.7 miles.  Bonus!

Backing up a little-- I had a quick grocery shopping trip in the middle of the day and I tried something a little different.  I put in my ear buds and listened to music that motivates and inspires me, while I shopped.  I turned it off when I got in line, of course--but the effect while shopping was fantastic.  I zipped in, right past all the stuff I didn't need and straight to the things I was after.  Nothing, no errant thoughts or compulsions--just feeling good and motivated, inspired while grabbing what I needed...and nothing I didn't.  I think I may take more and more musical grocery shopping trips.

Last night's dinner out was interesting and challenging. I had a planned dinner at an Italian restaurant--and it was complimentary, so how could I say no?  Well, actually I could have said no.  But I was confident I could navigate the selections well. The first thing that comes to mind is to be extra cautious and I was. I ordered a grilled chicken breast and grilled shrimp. I had a tomato based chicken and veggie soup as an appetizer.  When the plate arrived it looked loaded.  The chicken was buried under tomatoes, mozzarella and what appeared to be severely under-cooked bacon.  The side of spaghetti with a simple tomato and spice sauce looked much worse than it was.  I enjoyed the chicken breast minus all the stuff loaded on top, the shrimp and part of the spaghetti. I left feeling confident about my choices and my calorie budget was intact--barely, but intact none the less.  There are some things I could have done differently to make it easier and I'll implement those things the next time I'm offered a complimentary meal in the middle of a calorie bank minefield.

Another good day in the books. Thursday promises to be much less stressful and that's good!  I have a special guest on my show Thursday morning from Serbia. He's in town to study our chamber of commerce and tourism department. Looking forward to the show!

If you're inclined, you can follow me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson Twitter is where I post the majority of my food pics along the way.  MyFitnessPal username is SeanAAnderson --where I keep a food/menu and exercise diary.

My importance level is very high!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

April 29th, 2014 Staying Connected

April 29th, 2014 Staying Connected

When I look back at the fundamentals that kept me going strong while losing weight, I must recognize the power of sitting down and writing things out.  And when I look at where things started to get bumpy, it was when I stopped writing consistently.  And even after this short time of daily blog postings, I can tell a major difference in how I feel.  My focus has sharpened, my attitude and resolve is in an optimal place and I'm getting back my confidence.  My challenge to me is to explore other ways in which I can add to this positive effect. Reaching out more to others, being supportive, increasing the time I spend in meditation and prayer---all of these can only strengthen my stride and they're once again assigned a very high priority.

This feeling of renewal and strength doesn't mean it's easy.  It's about being better prepared to handle the challenges as they come. Sometimes a giant ice cream shake seems like the perfect move. Putting some space, just a little, between the thought and the action--long enough to identify the what and why of the situation, is often all that's needed to correct the skid.  If it doesn't quite work--reach out to someone and share the experience and feeling. It's very powerful.  Expose it, shine a light--and discuss it with someone who gets it.  As a food addict, I'll tell you this: I've had times where I've felt driven to the fat and sugar.  Have you felt this too?  When, despite the consequences--despite what you know is true, that a binge isn't going to fix anything and in fact make it all worse, you're driven like a moth to a flame?  That's when it's really scary. The isolation that often accompanies such a leap is a dark, depressing place. And the only way out is to get connected, not only with your spiritual side, but also with people who understand what you're experiencing.  And stay connected.  Because you're not alone. We're never alone.  If we isolate, then we're still not alone, but it sure feels that way. I'm staying connected.

Today's schedule was a little challenging for me because I wasn't feeling rested, yet I had important appointments keeping me from a nap allowing split shift.  Remember HALT?  (Don't get too Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired) Yeah, I was getting too tired, too quickly and finally, a little after 2pm, I had to take a break for a refresher nap.  I was back at 4pm as planned and finished what I needed to finish by 4:40pm.

I prepared a wonderful dinner tonight (menu on MyFitnessPal and the picture is on my Twitter feed) and then I settled in for a good conference call with the weekly support group.

It's 9:15 and I've decided to post today's blog and hit the pillow early.  I've been battling exhaustion like crazy today, so I'll give myself a pass on the walk tonight.  Tomorrow I'll get a look at the results of my sleep monitoring.  It's the next step in figuring out an immediate solution to my sleep issues. The long term solution is on me--it's getting the extra weight off and getting truly fit, and even then it may not be 100%, but there's a great chance it will be if it's coupled with effective therapy.

I'd love you to follow me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson and Friend me on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading and for your support,
Strength,
Sean