Showing posts with label better sleep. Show all posts
Showing posts with label better sleep. Show all posts

Saturday, September 13, 2014

September 13th, 2014 "No" Is A Complete Sentence

September 13th, 2014 "No" Is A Complete Sentence

I slept well last night. Sleeping in is sometimes difficult because I'm trained to be up at 4:30am. I've tried to sleep in before, only to wake up at 6am, get up and just accept that I'll be going back for a nap a little later.  Sleeping in seems to be not as difficult these days. It's certainly because of my drastically improved sleep quality. Quality, not quantity. Yeah, that's a another discussion.

I had a location broadcast from a grocery store today. It was pretty routine. This broadcast coincides with an annual event in Newkirk, Oklahoma called Charlie Adams Day. A local BBQ competition team phoned the station earlier in the week, promising to bring me BBQ today. I spent a little bit of time stressing about this--not because I feared eating it, not at all. It's BBQ--the calorie values are horrible and the sauces typically have a lot of sugar. I obviously wasn't going to eat it. My plan was to leave the plate of whatever they might bring in the break room of this store and let their employees devour. I was actually going over in my head how I would decline if they asked me to try their BBQ on the spot. The likelihood of this is pretty high considering they were in a BBQ cookoff competition at the day's downtown festivities.

It was all worry for nothing. The plate of BBQ never showed. I was relieved. How crazy does that sound? I was relieved when the free plate of award winning BBQ didn't show up like expected. That's interesting. Again, wasn't the food--it was the possible confrontational aspect if they requested I try their food right then and there. What was I going to say? I guess a simple "no, thank you." would work. Or as Life Coach Gerri always reminds me, "No is a complete sentence."

I left my broadcast feeling a little lighter on my feet. I headed home to do some multi-tasking...Laundry, cooking and working out needed to happen at the same time. I made it that way. I prepared lunch, threw in the laundry--put lunch in a foil pouch, then tossed it in the oven on 325 while I left for the YMCA elliptical.

Great workout!! I was walking out of the Y when my friend Jon in Wisconsin called. I had a wonderful conversation with Jon for probably 15-20 minutes on my hands free as I drove, arrived home, transferred laundry from the washer to the dryer, grabbed lunch from oven, cut up some cantaloupe, weighed everything I needed to weigh, entered everything in MFP, snapped the photo--tweeted the tweet and washed a few dishes! All of this while carrying on a good conversation. Multi-tasking for sure.

I made the trip over to Heather's to enjoy dinner and a rented movie. Heather cooked chicken taco chili and it was amazing. Perfect amount of spice!! She even went a step further and calculated the crock pot of calories--and divided it by the number of servings to give me a fairly accurate post for MFP and Twitter. She is absolutely one of a kind! I'm so lucky. The dinner was exceptional and the movie "The Other Woman" was hilarious.

We watched the new documentary "Fed Up" Thursday evening. If you've watched the trailer, you have a great idea about what it's all about. Sugar and sugar's link to obesity in America. One of the craziest things in this documentary was a Cola executive claiming his soda product was just as healthy as water. It was also sad. Fed Up features a lot of obese and even morbidly obese children. The school lunch program was discussed. I didn't know these things: Pizza is considered a vegetable because it has tomato sauce, french fries are also on the list of veggies. This means my favorite lunch from high school--pizza and fries from the ala cart line was actually just me eating two different veggies! Yeah, right. I had planned on a big review, but I don't have the energy tonight. I do recommend you find it and see for yourself.

My tweets today:














I really enjoyed the cantaloupe today!
Thank you for reading and your support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, August 30, 2014

August 30th, 2014 In Harmony With How I Feel

August 30th, 2014 In Harmony With How I Feel

Today started with a big cleaning of my apartment. It was a deep cleaning, the kind that doesn't get done often enough! It was a wonderful opportunity for me to clear some things out. I made several trips to the trash dumpster downstairs! I didn't realize how wonderful the exercise was until this evening when I felt it in every move made! It was absolutely a workout!

I realized a connection between the condition of the environment we keep and how we truly feel about ourselves when I experienced some serious depression last year. As I cleaned today, I kept thinking--wow, I've come along way from when "this" was acceptable. Cleaning isn't fun. I don't like it. I'm not good at it. But I'm willing to get better, because I want to get better--because I'm feeling better about me. Having a cleaner apartment feels good. It's more in harmony with how I feel about me. It correctly reflects this. It always has. And I truly believe this dynamic is universal.

I was genuinely tired after today's cleaning project. I knew a nap was in my future as soon as I opened my eyes this morning. By the time I was at a point to take one, it was late in the afternoon. I set the alarm for an hour and a half, laid down and I was out for 2.5 hours. It was some of the most restful naps I've experienced in a very long time. Oversleeping a nap happens. This evening it almost cost me big!

I was scheduled to pick up my daughter Amber for the concert this evening, by 6pm. I was set to arrive at the music festival around 7pm and be on stage by 8:15pm. I woke at 6:38pm to Amber's voice asking, "are you coming?" My first thought wasn't, oh no, I'm late! My first thought was that was a premium nap!

My arrival at 7pm wasn't mandatory, thank goodness. The plan to arrive that early was purely for my benefit, so we could arrive and I could relax a little before my brief MC duties. Still, this extended nap wreaked havoc on my plans to be prepared food wise.

I had a late breakfast and late lunch, which is typical for me on a weekend day. I knew I wouldn't be ready for dinner before the event tonight, so my plan was to prepare and pack a good meal for Amber and me to enjoy in the broadcast vehicle prior to settling into the evenings festivities. I knew there would be a big free hospitality buffet for VIP's and sponsors, but not knowing what that might include didn't set well with me. I really didn't want to leave my food choices up to whomever planned this part of the festival.

I left my apartment without a dinner plan of any sort. I was so rushed I didn't even have time to blend a Shakeology to help get me through. I picked up the station vehicle, picked up Amber and we headed North to the festival 25 minutes away. I was cutting it very close. About ten minutes out, I called the promoter and informed her I was indeed en route and would be arriving shortly. I'm glad I made the call. The promoter was waiting for me as soon as we pulled into the parking lot. We were handed our VIP parking pass and all access badges and lanyards, then escorted to where we needed to go. Within minutes I was on stage making announcements and getting the crowd ready for Pat Green and the night's headliners, The Little River Band.

The promoter wasn't the least bit phased by how closely I cut the schedule. She graciously offered, "You're not late, you're right on time! But you did miss the free buffet." Awe, darn. Our food choices outside were worse than the infamous chili and omelet fiasco of Thursday night. The choices were hotdogs, snocones, other various concession stand food, liquor and beer. Uh, no thank you to all of the above. After my early announcements, we had a couple hours before I needed to do it again, so this gave us time to make our way from the outdoor festival grounds and into the restaurant located inside the host casino.

Once again I asked for some menu modifications and was met with a most helpful server, ready to go above and beyond. The grilled squash and zucchini in the below dinner tweet photo? That particular side dish isn't found on their menu. My sincerely polite queries and obvious important concern inspired the server and kitchen staff to get creative and the result was a meal I could feel great about. Amber and I tipped our server extra for this extraordinary service.

When I look at the below photo of me on stage tonight, my first thought doesn't immediately focus on the fact that as of last weigh in, I'm still ninety-five pounds from my previous healthiest weight. Not at all. My first thought was, I need smaller shirts! I felt confident on stage tonight and it showed. And showed very well, according to my daughter!
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My Food Tweets today:












Thank you for reading and for your absolutely incredible support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 23, 2014

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

June 23rd, 2014 A Different Kind of Monday

The storms rolled in last night and I was activated, covering weather until the early morning hours. I have done this many times and still made it through my show from 6-9am. I knew before I left the studio, there wasn't any way I could come back and do a show. I was a zombie. I left a note for a colleague to cover my show and it was decided, I was at least taking a half a day--personal day, sick day--whatever we needed to call it, I needed it!

I slept until after 10am, got up and it felt like the weekend all over again. I slept well too. You know the kind of sleep where, maybe a handful of times a year you wake up and think--wow, that was the best, and you feel amazing?? It was that kind of rest. I'm only four and a half months removed from some of the worst sleep of my life and I can tell you, the first thing I do when I wake up feeling great is give thanks for this amazing blessing. If you've ever felt the frustration of severe untreated sleep apnea, where no matter how many hours you're in bed, you still look and feel completely exhausted--then you understand the joy of a good night of real, rejuvenating rest. Oh my--it's like you want to burst open your front door and prance through the neighborhood in your robe singing uplifting Disney songs. I've come close a few times.

I cooked a big hearty breakfast!!


I returned to work mid-afternoon for production and various duties. I made sure to pack some things for lunch. I left shortly before 5pm, ran a couple of errands, requested assistance in moving some exercise equipment into my apartment (more on this in a moment), thought about what to cook for a late dinner--threw a couple of dry seasoned chicken breast in the oven, wrapped in foil--changed clothes, headed to the store to get a few things I forgot last night, then to the YMCA for a good workout.

After the Y, the chicken was still cooking at home while I met Alan, my ex-wife Irene's boyfriend and KL, my oldest daughter Amber's boyfriend. Alan has a truck. They both graciously agreed to help me pick up some exercise equipment from a friend's house and transport it to my apartment--and help me get it up the stairs and into my spare bedroom (which is currently being used for storage). It was almost impossible. Almost...we made it up the stairs with a little help from the insanely strong MMA fighter dude that lives in the building adjacent to me. Okay-- we don't know if he's really an MMA fighter, but we're pretty sure he could be one, easily.

A very dear friend of mine surprised me about three or four months ago when he called to tell me he and his wife had agreed to gift me their big treadmill and Nordicflex weight training machine. They're moving away and they didn't want to take it with them. Rather than deal with the process of trying to sell them, they thought I would get a lot of good out of both and they wanted me to have them. Isn't that amazing? I've volunteered to help them move later this week. It's the least I can do to show my extreme appreciation.

I waited this long to pick up the machines because I wasn't sure I could have them in my upstairs apartment. After careful consideration for the downstairs neighbor, I figured out a plan to minimize the effects of the treadmill vibrations. I'm going to buy a horse stall pad at the local farm supply store. It's a large, hard foam pad--the perfect size to fit underneath the treadmill. It will absorb the vibrations. The NordicFlex isn't a problem, it doesn't move in a way that might cause noise downstairs.

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The decorating will soon begin--as I transform my spare bedroom from a storage room into a workout room! I'm already thinking of cool posters and other inspirational things I'll put on the wall!

The chicken enchilada crispy tacos were amazing tonight.  I ran short on my calories, so a little more than an hour and a half after dinner, I had another taco with a side of cantaloupe as my #lastfoodofday.



I'm continuing this trek back to a healthy weight with a new kind of stride. I welcome you to follow along on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (www.twitter.com/seanaanderson) and my username on MyFitnessPal is SeanAAnderson.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, June 16, 2014

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

June 16th, 2014 Sean 1 and Sean 2

I had an interesting realization today. It required thinking of myself as two different people. First, there's the me in my deepest, darkest spiral, where the pounds came on easy and the quick fixes were easy to obtain in the numerous drive throughs less than a mile from my apartment. Second, there's me now--taking care, making things important like exercise and planning my food, and cooking and staying consistent AND losing weight.

We'll call them Sean 1 and Sean 2.

If these two could have a conversation--It might go something like:

(Sean 1 is annoyed by Sean 2.)

Sean 1:  (mockingly) "Look at you and your blog and twitter, I swear if I see one more food picture from you... You don't get where I am, I mean seriously--you're not dealing with what I deal with everyday. And you're  just so, on--always on---can you not turn it down a few notches...geez... I get it, you're logging, tweeting, blogging--doing what you do...spewing words of encouragement... Oh, and claiming that giving up nearly all sugar has given you a peace, where you're not compelled to binge--yeah, whatever--I don't believe that craziness. You can keep talking Mr. Anderson, it's still not helping me!"

Sean 2: If you only realized how thin the separation is between where I am now and where I was...it's paper thin. I get it, I was there and I could be there again in a flash. And I take no offense from your attitude and feelings toward me because they don't reflect me, they reflect you. When I was in the same mental place--it was never about "them," it was always about me--and my perspective. How I chose to receive the world determined how I viewed the world and everyone in it. Don't let the emotions of hopelessness fool you into believing there isn't hope. Sean 1, I'm talking to you--please don't shut me out--give me a few more minutes of your attention. Where you are is okay. You're not a bad person, you're not hopeless--you are stubborn, I will give you that. Stop fighting and...

Sean 1: "Now hold on right there, you Joseph's Pita eating son..."

Sean 2: Uh Uh...no name calling.

Sean 1: "I'm not a quitter. I'll never stop fighting."

Sean 2: That's not what I meant. Stop fighting against yourself and start standing up for yourself. You don't need to be perfect. Start small. Give yourself some thought and careful consideration. What do you need right now? For me, the first thing I had to do was get some help with my sleep apnea issues. I did that--and was still struggling...but that's okay, because I was slowly but surely gravitating away from the darkness. When you reach a point of surrender and your internal conversation turns spiritual, in whatever way that means to you--then you're really making some headway. Now, define some boundaries for yourself. If you're going to do this, there must be some personal boundaries in place. Decide on these and make sure these are things you can do. What works for me, may not work for you. Create your own unique plan. And recognize how this effort is a fantastic gift you're giving yourself--because you're worth it in every way. Then, make a commitment--a vow to yourself--an iron-clad decision that this is it...like no other time...you're deciding to choose change...

Sean 1:  "...before change chooses me, yeah--I heard you the first 900 times you said that phrase..."

Sean 2: Why don't you come back when you're ready to really hear me.

Sean 1: "Relax, Mr. Serious...geez...I was just giving you a hard time..."

Sean 2: I don't need a hard time. I've been really good at giving myself a hard time for a very long time, I don't need help in that department. Listen, what I'm doing now is what works for me. It's subject to change. And most importantly, it's not guaranteed.  The best I can tell from studying others with long term successful maintenance is--I must keep a close guard--and stay diligent in my practice. It's paper thin, this difference between you and me--and if I ever decide to get careless and cavalier, I'll break through and be right back where you are now. This takes work. And I'm okay with that. Are you?

Sean 1: "Why do you even care about me enough to share this?"

Sean: 2:  Because we share this road. And even though we may have very different circumstances and challenges, we have much more in common than not. We can learn from one another in wonderful ways. I want you to believe in yourself. I want you to truly understand, that if I can do this--you can too. There's hope, Sean 1--there's hope.  Change your perspective and change your life, my friend. That's what I'm working on everyday, one day at a time.

------------------------------------------------

Today was a solid day. I had a great workout at the Y followed by a fabulous home cooked dinner with Amber, her boyfriend KL and a good friend of mine. I stayed within my calorie budget. I'm hitting the pillow tonight with gratitude for another good day. I'll wake in the morning with a prayer for another.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, June 12, 2014

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

My decision to come home last night and nap turned out to be a very good one. I headed to the studio not long after posting last night's edition and didn't get in bed until after 3:30am. I was back up at 5am nursing a cup of coffee and reassuring myself I would return immediately after my morning show for a much needed extended nap. I still prepared a good breakfast, even though--honestly, I didn't feel like doing anything other than sleep. I had a good show despite little sleep. It's strange, unless I'm "body breaking down" tired, I can turn it on when the On-Air light is lit.

Several months ago when my sleep apnea situation was at its worse, I was losing my ability to hide the effects on-air. Aside from the obvious negative physical and mental effects of exhaustion, the worsening of my voice and on air demeanor was one of the big wake up calls urging me to seek help quickly. I had numerous mornings back then when I'd wake up after several hours with a racing heartbeat, headache from oxygen deprivation and a feeling like I had been fighting for my life all night long. No wonder I didn't feel like taking care of myself in other ways. Eating well and exercising regularly was pretty far down the list of priorities. Possibly having a heart attack in the middle of the night suddenly became something I worried about all the time. When I finally said, "I can't do this anymore" and sought help, that's when this turnaround started. Granted, I wasn't back immediately--it did take some time, But wow---it feels amazing to be back where I am now after sliding so far down.

These days when my schedule turns horrible like it did last night and today, a good-quality nap gives me more energy than any amount of sleep back then. It was never the quantity, always the quality.

I wasn't able to get away from the studio until 10:30am. I came home, prepared a light snack and tried to settle down enough for sleep. It took me a little while, but I was finally able to get a solid 2.5 hour nap before preparing and packing a lunch and returning for a full afternoon in the production studio. I finished my production at 5:30pm then raced down the street to exchange my personal vehicle for the station vehicle in preparation for my location broadcast at the 101 Wild West Rodeo from 6-8pm. Time was tight. I still had to hurry home, change clothes, prepare a snack to hold me until a late dinner, then get to the arena by 6pm.

I cruised onto the rodeo grounds right on time as if I had casually made my way out. I literally had to stop and catch my breath at one point. Tonight was the opening night and it's marked by the opening night free rodeo barbecue. Here we are with the free food opportunities again! I didn't go near the tent housing the free food. And better than that, it wasn't a struggle to avoid. I had my plan in place. I brought some fruit and I knew a dinner I'd feel good about was waiting for me back at home. I remember last year...oh my...two people brought free barbecue sandwiches to the broadcast vehicle. I quietly ate one and a half of them last year. Nobody brought me sandwiches this year or maybe they did, but I was moving all around the arena, interviewing people and being active. Perhaps I missed the free food givers. Darn.

I wouldn't have taken a bite, not one. This clarity and focus, and bigger--this peace I'm feeling is something I don't ever want to lose. I could easily throw it away at anytime if I'm not doing the work needed to take the best care I can. This is a major difference for me. During my initial weight loss, I reached a point where I kind of felt invincible. It was a foolish belief and after walking that tight rope for longer than I should have, I did eventually fall. I don't feel invincible now. My attitude and perspective has shifted dramatically, but still--I have a much greater respect for the overall power of this thing. I seem to be doing what is working well for me today. And I pray I'll approach each day as one, and do those things again and again. Honestly, regaining a considerable amount of my initial loss is proving to be exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

My shoes were all muddy after trekking all over the outdoor arena and my plan to workout at the Y tonight looked as if it would be preceded by a good shoe washing and scrubbing. Or, I could go buy a new pair of shoes. I've needed a new pair for a while but I always hesitate to buy things even when I know I need them. Thank you muddy arena for pushing me toward doing something nice for myself!

I bought my shoes and headed home to change for the YMCA. I was feeling slightly hungry, like my metabolism burned up the fruit snack and was demanding something more. I prepared some fat/sugar free refried beans with a little green chili sauce and used Beanitos all natural pinto bean chips as the vehicle to get the dip into my face. Yes...I used beans to eat my beans. Interesting. It was delicious and exactly the protein I needed to get through my workout and home for dinner.

All of my food pictures and exercise excursions along with some occasionally humorous tweets, can be found and followed (if you're into that type of thing) by visiting www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a twitter account to view my page and tweets.

Also, if you use MyFitnessPal like I do, then you're welcome to friend me there too! My food diary is set to public.

It's been a long day and even though I have another location broadcast at the rodeo tomorrow night and Saturday's location broadcast schedule runs 11am-8pm, I'm confident I'll stay prepared and ready for whatever comes along. The good news is, we're not expecting severe storms for a couple of days, so no sudden and complete wrecking of my sleep schedule! Now, if I can just get everything in that I want to do daily and still get to bed at a decent time. That remains one of my biggest challenges lately.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, May 10, 2014

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

May 10th, 2014 Didn't Even Give It A Thought

I didn't have any issues sleeping in this morning.  It was still a little under five hours, but I made sure to grab a nap this afternoon.  I'll have an opportunity for a full eight hours tonight! The new full face mask for my cpap machine is doing wonders for me.  It's a dramatic difference in my energy level day to day.  Getting good rest is crucial for this journey we share.

My first order of business today was a broadcast at an annual event for the Ponca City Library. This is the fourth year in a row for this broadcast and I've done it the last three.  What was nice for me about this public appearance today was not experiencing negative feelings about weight gain.  After getting past the panic attack Thursday night, I feel like I've crossed over into a healthier mental state. I was strong and confident today.  A friend of mine told me I was hitting my stride and they're right.  I believe this stride helps alleviate the negative emotions associated with gaining weight once lost, then returning to places, events and people who remember you much smaller.  I didn't even give it a second thought today. Actually, I didn't give it a first thought until I started thinking about it long after the event came to a close.

It's not too hard to find numerous places in the archives of this blog where I am super excited and completely focused on success.  I'm getting back into that mindset fairly quick and it's a great place to be.  It's a powerful purpose driven pursuit, where time is divided into different sized chunks depending on my difficulty level on any given day.  When I'm feeling like I did today, I'm looking ahead to all kinds of positives and when I'm feeling challenged and tested, my focus narrows down to just getting through that particular day, or even a specific day part or hour.  My emotional/mental security is tightened and relaxed according to my perception in any given moment.  And I'm very happy to report my perspective is dramatically improving.

I prepared fajita tostadas again tonight, this time with 93/7 lean ground turkey.  I've prepared this meal three times this week, trying steak, chicken and now turkey and they're all good. I think my favorite is turkey.  See the food pics on my twitter feed: www.twitter.com/seanaanderson

I decided on a late night walk at the trail for my exercise today.  I took a trip to Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store before my walk.  I know what it looks and sounds like--but no, I wasn't after a binge, I was after their grocery department for fruit, eggs and some of those Laughing Cow Lite Swiss cheese wedges. On my way into the store I ran into a couple of people I know really well. We exchanged pleasantries while walking in opposite directions, them leaving, me arriving. And it wasn't until I was inside the store that it dawned on me how they might have had the wrong impression. And I get that--most people don't go to Braum's for the fruit and eggs--most people go for the banana splits.  I'm very careful and very deliberate when I walk in there now--I know what I'm after and I don't allow any deviations from my list, unless it's more of what's on my list or something else good for me.  Believe me, I've had enough binge trips to Braum's over the years to last me a lifetime. I grabbed my stuff, checked out and headed to the trail.

I was planning on pushing for a 5K tonight but instead I stopped at 1.7 miles.  I might need to consider a new pair of shoes.  The top right hand side of my right foot starting hurting pretty good. I think my shoes are a touch too big and I'm not getting the kind of firm support I need. On the elliptical at the YMCA, it doesn't effect me because my feet stay planted in one position as my body moves. Walking (and perhaps running someday) requires a little more support.

Tomorrow I'm headed to Stillwater to see my mom and our visit will include a Mother's Day lunch out somewhere. I'm discouraging Mexican food. I love Mexican for a few reasons, aside from taste--I like that I can count calories quickly and easily with Mexican food...And I have some set personal rules that keep me in check when visiting a Mexican restaurant. We'll be picking another kind of place. I guess I should let mom pick the restaurant and I'll navigate the menu and calories wherever we end up.  This could be interesting.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, May 9, 2014

May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me

May 9th, 2014 Understanding What Works For Me

I was up way too late last night. My schedule has a few "subject to change without much notice" type things built in, so it happens. Last night was weather coverage of some non-severe storms that moved through and gave our area some much needed rain.  When storms like that move through, it's important for us to clarify the intensity on air in a nice calm fashion. If it isn't severe, we say it, because sometimes the least threatening storms can look and sound very threatening. Although last night's storms weren't classified as severe, we had reports of lightening triggered fires. One strike destroyed a tractor-trailer rig and two or three other adjacent vehicles. So much for "non-threatening" storms.

I must react and adjust on the fly sometimes when the schedule abruptly switches direction.  I hadn't planned on having a restaurant meal Thursday evening, but the alternative would have been a midnight dinner and that wasn't going to work for me. I almost didn't write last night's blog edition because it was so late, but I'm glad I did.  I must be willing to be extremely brief in those type of situations and that's very tough for me. Brevity has never been a strong point.  When I'm recalling situations and the accompanying emotions, I'm compelled to go deeper than a few bullet points. John Motta shared a quote from Flannery O'Connor on my facebook page a little while back and it fits: "I write because I don't know what I think until I read what I say."

My day started out in a rush. I woke up late and scrambled to pull myself together. Good thing I'm sleeping much better these days, otherwise I don't know if I could have done it today. One thing I mustn't ever sacrifice is breakfast.  Whoever first said it's the most important meal of the day was right.  It sets the tone for me.  I do my best to start each day with a meal I feel good about.  It's often the same thing or a slight variation of the same ingredients and that's okay.

Last Tuesday we had special guest Phil Werdell M.A., director of the Acorn Food Addiction Institute and one of the founders of foodaddiction.com on our weekly conference call support group.  He shared many things I needed to hear.  One of them was how he still measures and weighs his food the same as he's done for the last 27 years of maintenance.  It drove home the point that this isn't ever going to be something that is over and any resistance to this fact doesn't end well for someone like me.

The attitude adjustment needed for acceptance of this heightened awareness and critical self care is paramount to my recovery and successful maintenance down the road. It does take more time, it is an investment in me that must be made because I'm worth the effort.  It's a shift in perspective.  When I think about the commitment I've made, I realize the extra effort is a small price to pay in exchange for living the best life possible. I don't want to ever go back to my 500 pound existence and without the effort, that's exactly where my body will go. Is it fair???  You know what I mean? Some people never need to worry about this stuff.  Their natural genetics affords them the ability to maintain their optimal body weight or somewhere close to it without too much trying.  But it goes further than genetics. A lot of people are not food addicts either and perhaps they have a natural inclination to exercise regularly. And that's a wonderful thing for them. If it's fair or not isn't even something to waste time considering because it is what it is. The fact of the matter remains: If I choose to not make this part of my life a top priority, it will eventually kill me. End of story. And when you think of it in those terms, you quickly realize all energy wasted entertaining jealousy and envy of those not affected is energy better spent on taking better care in recovery.

The dynamics are different for me now. I lost 275 pounds without ever logging my food, let alone documenting every meal and snack with a picture and a tweet. Things change, we change and the more we experience and process, the more we're affected by it all. In other words, what worked for me then worked because it was new to me, it was all brand new. In my experience I've grown and I've learned so much about me along the way. This blog has been like a Phd for me about me. And if I had to explain where or how the train left the tracks, I would say: I mistakenly took the freedom weight loss provided as a license to be less aware and less diligent. Hey, I'll eat when I'm hungry, I'll exercise regularly and this maintenance thing will be a breeze!  My new found freedom and relatively "normal" physicality fooled me into believing that suddenly I might be able to be "normal" in all the other non-physical ways. But it doesn't work that way.  And the quicker I came to terms and peace about it all, the quicker I could be where I am now--headed in the right direction with plenty of good ahead of me, God willing. And this direction and understanding of what's required doesn't mean it will always or ever be easy. It will be largely what I make it and that depends on the attitude and perspective I choose. 

 I did another 30 minutes on the elliptical this afternoon at the YMCA.  I'm so glad I was able to get past myself and get in there the other day. It feels so good to be back in that building.

I stopped by the store this afternoon and picked up some chicken for a fabulous dinner. Earlier in the week I made steak fajita tostadas and I was very pleased with the results of my cooking experiment.  Tonight I made them again with chicken. Oh my...incredible.

The Calorie Bank and Trust was solid today.  If you're interested, my food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--simply search me by username: SeanAAnderson.  Food pics with calorie counts are constantly tweeted throughout each day at www.twitter.com/seanaanderson These two elements are accountabilitcy tools for me and they're working beautifully.  And join me on facebook if you haven't already, www.facebook.com/seananderson505

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, May 7, 2014

May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day

May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day

Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional.  I woke up feeling rested.  I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.

I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...

"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"

 I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show.  I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff.  I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long.  Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good.  So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.

I must stop right here.

You see...

I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year.  I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay.  But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain.  And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma.  It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building.  I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.

I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see.  If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too.  Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe.  In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves.  And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?

Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"

Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."

Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"

Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."

Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."

Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"

Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."

Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."

That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.

Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.

I checked in and went straight for the locker room.  I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me.  I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.

I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How??  My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.

The songs were speaking to me...

OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."

 DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."

 Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."

"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me.  It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."

 I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride.  It's beyond description.

What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice.  And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five.  As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!

 I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world.  Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom.  It was good. 

Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully.  You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505  The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, May 4, 2014

May 4th, 2014 A Good Sunday

May 4th, 2014 A Good Sunday

I took some time to prepare my breakfast just right this morning.  I enjoyed the process, a much better experience than inhaling a bag of whatever from a drive through. It requires me to slow down and enjoy my food, from preparation to the plate.  I love making omelets. I take enormous pride in my omelet making skills. My uncle Jimmy taught me how to make an omelet when I was a pre-teen and I've never lost the touch.  I once entertained the idea of offering fresh omelet making services of some kind, somewhere--that's how much I love making them.  A well prepared omelet is like a work of art.

I visited a little bit with my oldest daughter Amber this morning before heading to the grocery store for a few things.  I tend to gravitate toward a standard list.  I'm such a creature of habit. If you browse the food pics on Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) you'll notice I'm pretty much a taco fanatic.  Beef tacos, chicken tacos, turkey tacos--I've even tried my own version of fish tacos and a scrambled egg filled breakfast taco.  I'm out of Joseph's Pita's for a bit and I couldn't find any today, so I may need to order from www.netrition.com   I swear Joseph's Bakery doesn't pay me a dime to promote their 60 calorie pitas!! Although they did send me a nice hand written letter and a complimentary case of pitas a few years ago.

I came home, prepared a turkey burger and an extra large helping of sweet potato fries and watched a documentary on screen writing.  I only made it half way through the documentary when I paused and started thinking about yesterday's experience.

This is why I write this blog--I needed to write what I did yesterday for me to make a better connection with it all.  Those kinds of deep explorations happen around here occasionally.

I enjoyed a different kind of fish tonight, Swai and some jumbo shrimp.  I wasn't too impressed with the Swai. I had never heard of it before. Apparently it's a catfish or a close cousin to the catfish. It was fairly inexpensive, so I thought I might as well give it a shot.  I'll explore other methods of preparation and serving because I have the rest of the bag in the freezer.

After another 1.7 mile walk tonight, I headed over to see Noah.  Noah will be 10 months old on Tuesday! Seeing him always reminds me of one of the big reasons taking the best care of myself is critically important. I want to have a long and wonderful relationship with him.

It's late and my new mask awaits! I've been sleeping a lot better with this new cpap mask. It's a BIG difference.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, May 2, 2014

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

May 2nd, 2014 What A Relief

The radio alarm clock hit 4:30am and blasted Billy Joel throughout my apartment so loud, I can't imagine the neighbors didn't hear. I've asked the two likeliest recipients of this early morning concert if they ever hear anything and they say they haven't heard a thing. Turning the volume level "all the way to 11" has been a regular thing for me my entire life.  And when my body stops fighting the rest and finally goes deep, I need all the decibels I can get to wake. I've slept through an hour of music several times before my alarm clock gives up on me, shutting itself off.  This morning?  I opened my eyes and listened to Billy play and sing so perfectly. Like a scientist assessing results of an experiment, I stayed still, eyes open staring at the wall and pondering the idea of adding learning to play the piano to my list of dreams. That's good because my first thought wasn't, oh my goodness, Lord help me make it through today...my first thought was who teaches piano around here and how much does it cost?  

 I jumped up, turned down the volume and looked in the mirror.  I had the new mask on tight, real tight and the proof was in the red markings on the bridge of my nose and forehead.  My eyes felt better, my head not bad and my body didn't feel horrible at all. All of these positives were proof that this new mask made a difference.  It wasn't easy to get comfortable enough to go to sleep, but when I did, I did sleep. I felt rested. Adjusting to this new full face mask is kind of like trying to go to sleep while opening your mouth directly in front of a high powered fan.  If we could get a video camera inside the mask, I'm sure it would be hilarious to watch.  Eventually I fell into the rhythm of the assisted breathing and slept better than I have in a long while. Of course the more solid proof would be found in how I felt throughout the day.

I had a full day, without a split shift--no nap, not a wink and I was a production machine. A colleague went home early, taking a half day vacation, so I took care of what needed to be done.  And I did it without any trouble, not a bit. This was so good.  I'm so happy, finally--some relief!!

I packed breakfast, fresh fruit snacks and lunch supplies this morning.  Making sure I'm prepared makes keeping the budget in tact much easier.  When lunch rolled around, I was offered a Subway sandwich instead of my planned food and it worked well.  I powered through after lunch, getting more done and still feeling good as I pushed into about an hour of overtime.  My plan wasn't a late afternoon nap.  My plan was to go clothes shopping.  And that sucked.

As much as I hate to spend money on bigger clothes, it's a must. Our expected high on Tuesday is 100 degrees Fahrenheit, so I can't keep wearing a cold weather getup.  I have an entire closet full of small clothes just waiting for their triumphant return.  But this takes time and I'll be patient.  I'm headed back into that closet someday in the not too distant future.  It's okay.  And as I looked around for clothes in this temporarily bigger size, I had to keep reminding myself that I'm headed in the right direction. I'm making a wonderful comeback and this time with all the lessons learned along the way.  The more I asserted the positive, the more clothes I found that didn't fit.  It was like a tug of war between my positive thoughts and the reality of where I am.  And where I was, was the wrong store, obviously.

I remember opening an email from a Big and Tall store one time, shortly after hitting 230 pounds and replying to the email with "please take me off your list, I've lost 275 pounds and I no longer need your clothing."  A simple "take me off your list" would have worked, but I was proud and I wanted them to know exactly why I wouldn't be needing their insanely overpriced clothing.  Now I'm faced with the expensive task of heading to the Big and Tall store once again after I swore I'd never step foot in one again. And that's okay.  It's gotta be okay.  I need clothing. As much as it hurts to walk back in there and as much as my natural inclination is to beat myself up senselessly for it, I must let those emotions go and look at the other side of this deal.

I'm very lucky.  I'm very blessed.  And I have a very long gratitude list.  I've still kept off over 100 pounds of what I initially lost, so its not as unfortunate as it could have been. And I'm finally finding what certainly seems to be a solution to my sleep crisis. Things are looking up!! I'm writing everyday, I'm tracking my food and maintaining a calorie budget too.  I'm feeling like I've returned to a place mentally, emotionally and spiritually where I'm confident I'm headed in the direction I need.  And I'm the 42 year old grandfather of the cutest little 10 month old on the planet. God willing, I've got a whole lot of good life ahead of me. Buying a few clothing items to get me through as I lose more weight really isn't anything to be down about at all.  I'm grateful I have the opportunity to learn and grow from here.

After a good dinner and a wonderful almost two mile walk, I'm ready to hit the pillow.  And I'm looking forward to the experience as I rediscover better rest. My calorie budget is a little bit under target and that's okay tonight.

You're invited to take a peek at my food pictures on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson
And you'll find my food and exercise diary logged on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
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