Day 482 Seriously Imperfect Improvements and A Pleasure Instead of A Chore

Day 482

Seriously Imperfect Improvements and A Pleasure Instead of A Chore

Mom and I need to do this more often! We're having fun and enjoying our time together. Every now and then I'll start breaking out the weight loss philosophy with her and we'll discuss all of the angles. My dear sweet mother has been brainwashed by a lifetime of weight loss magazine articles and books promoting every diet known to humankind. Trying to simplify this process, completely un-complicating and untangling years worth of weight loss misconceptions and contradictions, can be a real challenge. But we're winning! And she's losing. It's critical for mom at this point. At 64, the possible consequence of her good choices are extra years added to her life. And of course this life extending choice is true for all of us regardless of age. She's choosing to extend her life. How powerful is that? Seriously so.

I do understand the concern some of my friends have when I talk about fast food choices. I've written many times about my philosophy concerning these choices. I have a lifetime of fast food history, it's one of the reasons I packed on the fat, weighing over 500 pounds for nearly two decades. My choices yesterday compared to my choices back then are night and day different. Yesterday mornings breakfast of scrambled eggs and a fruit and yogurt cup without granola totaled 300 calories and contained 230 mg of sodium, or 10% of what's considered normal for a day. In comparison to a typical pre-journey McDonald's breakfast for me, well---it's a drastic improvement. What kind of breakfast would I order before? A Deluxe Big Breakfast contains 1,090 calories and 2150 mg of sodium—90% of the recommended daily value of sodium. And that calorie total is without syrup or margarine for the hotcakes! And if it came with a buttermilk biscuit, then you can bet I was ordering a side of gravy to pour over. I was a mess. The choices we made yesterday were drastic improvements.

I can't say I'll never eat fast food again, but you can bet I'll be armed with information that helps me make the best possible choice at the moment of ordering. I'll never abuse myself with fast food again, I do know that! I just have a hard time believing that it's all bad. 95% bad? Yes...it's 95% garbage, I think we can all agree, but the remaining 5% offers some wonderful choices in a very convenient way.

My weight loss philosophy weighs heavy on the psychological elements that make this hard or make this as easy as it can be. We tend to naturally complicate things by setting up rules going into our weight loss plan. Often times these rules are so far from our normal way of life, it makes it almost impossible to remain “on plan.” And when we deviate from our plan, we feel like we've failed. Really strong willed people can do it with a long list of rules from day 1, but I've always felt weak and nearly hopeless for change in the weight loss department. My simplistic approach has worked for me—a raging food addict who feared he could never play by the rules that I thought were needed for weight loss. I've failed at losing weight so many times---and I remember each attempt. I've picked them apart and thrown them all away, except for the most simple elements---and the solutions I've found have worked wonderfully. It's not perfect. How many times have I said that? And it doesn't need to be perfect. But it has been a pleasure instead of a chore. And that's one of the most refreshing and important things about this transformation experience. It must be a pleasure instead of a chore.

I sincerely appreciate concern that people express for me, I do. It's your amazing support that has taken this entire experience over the top. And I'm learning as I go and I continue to learn. I'm seriously open to learning new things about nutrition and fitness. I've learned several valuable points from readers all over the world and friends here at home like Dr. Amy and Melissa Walden. I'll continue to learn as I go and my ultimate fitness goals and dreams will be realized. That's exciting!

I prepared that wonderful dinner last night and tonight I did it again! This time I prepared a chicken spaghetti dish with mushrooms, onions, grilled chicken, and marinara. Oh wow...it was good! The calories were calculated at 400 per serving---not bad for a complete meal. See the pictures below.

The workout I've been doing every night is something I can do right here in the apartment or downstairs in the fitness room. I do need to buy some dumbbells. Most of these movements rely on my body weight for resistance. The best kind if you ask me! I know the soreness will improve and I certainly don't mean to sound like a little baby, but wow---I'm seriously sore! I hope to connect with Melissa sometime tomorrow to get that new body fat analysis. I'm excited about that!

I took mom to a little karaoke place tonight. OK---It was a bar. I'm not sure I've ever been inside a bar with my mom. We were there for the karaoke, that's it! We sipped water and at one point shared a Diet Coke. I performed one song (Rose Colored Glasses), we finished our “drinks,” and decided it was time to leave before the place got rowdy! It was fun and mom could certainly see how losing this weight has given me an amazing amount of confidence. I would have never done this at over 500 pounds, I mean never. I was always too self-conscious, always. It's funny---at over 500 pounds I could easily get on stage and speak---but singing or acting? Forget it. I guess I convinced myself that 500 pound people didn't do those things. Hmmm, interesting what we tell ourselves.

Thank you for reading. Your support is invaluable to me! I hope the rest of your weekend is grand. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Friday night's dinner


Saturday night's dinner

Day 481 Let's Not Get Too Excited and Smiling Through The Soreness

Day 481

Let's Not Get Too Excited and Smiling Through The Soreness

The more I look at these “top secret—soon to be released” photos and the more I gaze into the mirror with a critical eye, the more I'm realizing Melissa is right. We need to re-calculate that body fat percentage. 14.7% was nice to think about and believe for a second, but it's got to be higher than that. We'll find out before the weekend is over. It doesn't matter to me what the number turns out to be, it's all good, and I'm headed even lower than where I am---and I guarantee, whatever it is--- it's dramatically lower than the 54% I remember from so long ago. But yeah, I really wish I would have held off on announcing that number until we were confident with the accuracy. The caliper pinch in the upper body and leg wasn't the issue, it was the caliper pinch right of my belly button amid a considerable amount of loose skin that may have given the inaccurate reading. Melissa was the first to question the number. Right in the middle of my happy dance—it was hey, not so fast! Like winning the big lottery and then lottery officials telling you the extra zero on that check was a mistake—that kind of makes a difference huh?. Oh well, I still win! And besides---this isn't luck, no-this is a choice made. I'm on this road because I've chosen change. And change is good---and change is getting me where I'm headed in a wonderful way. It will not be long before 14.7% body fat is too high for me. Yep, that day might not be today, but that day is coming.

I've been through two of these targeted workouts and I'm telling you, my soreness level is beyond what it was the day after the 10K. Walking up and down stairs is a fun reminder of my muscle wake up call. I have to smile when I'm sore because it means something special to me. It's a good sore, soreness of positive and deliberate change is the best kind.

Mom and I chose to sleep late today. Instead of 4am, we jumped up at 5am—not too late, early enough to get ready and grab a good breakfast on the way to the studio. We stopped at the McDonald's drive-thru and ordered some scrambled whole eggs and some yogurt with strawberries and blueberries. The calories in those eggs are considerably higher than if we had prepared them at home, but once in a while, in a pinch---I'll allow them. Our choices were good and breakfast was served with headphones and a microphone! Mom sounds so good on the air, she really does. When she opens up and really talks—it's pure smoothness. If I could, I'd make it “Sean and Mom in the Morning” everyday. It's a blast! Jodi, a longtime reader, asked if there was any way to listen outside our broadcast area, and unfortunately there isn't right now. Licensing for a 100% webcast of everything we air would be rather expensive.

We brought apples for a mid-morning snack and then decided on an early lunch instead. We dined at Wendy's for lunch. Wow, this really sounds horrible! We're not even to noon yet and we've already enjoyed two fast food places. Relax and ask anyone that knows---if you're going to pick a fast food place that offers great choices, Wendy's can't be beat. We both ordered a small chili for 190 calories and a grilled chicken wrap, minus the dressing—plus regular mustard. The entire lunch was 400 calories and very filling! I took mom back to the apartment before heading back to the studio for the rest of my workday. On the way home I stopped by the store and grabbed some chicken breast and green beans. I decided that tonight we were having a home cooked meal for a change! The Foreman Grill was perfect for this plan, although I do miss the flavor of my big outdoor grill. That big thing is in Irene's front yard now, no room at the apartment. I guess we could put it on the balcony, but I suspect there's a policy against grills out there. I've looked around and haven't found anyone else with a grill on their balcony. Oh well, the Foreman was good—and did exactly what we needed.

Courtney was with friends and staying at her mom's place. She'll be back home tomorrow, tonight was just dinner for two. I prepared the chicken, green beans, and even some mashed potatoes with a tablespoon of brown gravy!! The entire meal checked in at 380 calories. Now that's a great calorie value dinner!

I spent the evening visiting with mom before we traveled over to Irene's place for a little visit. Upon our return I changed into my workout clothes and hit the fitness room. I'm loving the feeling and attitude I have these days. I can clearly see where we're headed and it is a grand place. My workout was awesome! I warmed up on the treadmill for a mile then quickly got into position for the squats. Oh my goodness, these aren't so easy when you're already sore. It was tough getting to 20 reps, but with a little grunting and groaning---and primal screaming, OK---maybe not screaming, after all, we're in an apartment, I got it done---Along with two sets of each movement prescribed by Melissa. The stretching is amazing. I honestly never stretched before, not like this. It's a wonderful thing indeed!

I loaded up an omelet tonight with whole eggs, mushrooms, and mozzarella. I was trying to hit the 1800 calorie limit. With a banana on the side, I was successful. I've been doing 1500 calories for so long, and it's served me so well, it's taking some mental adjustments to accept this change. I know it's what my body needs me to do, so I do it.

My new no smoking policy is getting easier and easier to handle. I have my moments of crazy craving, and then it passes. After I eat and while I'm driving are a little tough, I certainly see what a routine it had become. It was a habit and a routine---I'd made it part of my natural day to day. I feel like my nicotine dependency isn't the issue now, it's the routine breaking that provides the challenge. I'm winning the fight and it feels so good!

This is definitely a new chapter in our development. Thank you for reading. Many more wonderful chapters ahead my friend! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 480 14.7% Body Fat (really?) and You Mean I Need To Eat More?

Day 480

14.7% Body Fat (really?) and You Mean I Need To Eat More?

No time for the snooze alarm this morning. I jumped up at 4am ready to go full force. I was full of energy and optimistic. Today was going to be a turning point, and it was. I met with Melissa Walden for my first training session at 4:45am. The first thing we did was a body fat analysis and a bunch of measurements. The analysis found my body fat at a surprisingly normal 14.7%. (The average male should fall between 10 and 15%) I was really shocked. I think she was surprised too. Her initial analysis concluded that I didn't have much fat OR much muscle, especially upper body muscle. My lower body was much better in the muscle department, surely from carrying around all that weight for so long. I remember getting a body fat analysis done a long time ago, maybe 13 years or so ago, and if I remember right, my body fat at that time was a whopping 54% . It had to be somewhere around there when I started at 505. But 14.7%...I'm thrilled. She commented on “a bunch of skin and bones,” Hmmm, never been described like that, although that's not the good thing I always thought it might be. I need muscles and that's the point of this new chapter of my journey. Strength training is critical at this point.

That 14.7% number had me buzzing all day long. I was seriously high on that all day long. I had very little trouble today with the nicotine cravings, very little trouble...I was too busy running the numbers of my body fat analysis. If 14.7% is correct, then that means I only have 40 more pounds of fat on my body, and since it would be practically impossible to have less than 1% body fat---well, you see where I'm headed here. Maybe I set my goal too low? Perhaps, but wait a second. After more fat loss and then adding some muscle---and then having all this excess skin removed---maybe 230 is possible, very possible. Melissa called this evening and said she'd like to re-do that test. I know---hard to believe huh? She was positive that it was very close---but just to confirm, we'll do a re-test. I guess I shouldn't have ordered that jacket with 14.7% on the breast and back. I'm kidding, I didn't order a jacket, but I was excited enough for sure!

This chapter of my journey will be archived with some of the most revealing photos I've ever taken. I will keep them private until after skin removal surgery and months of weight training. There's no way I'm brave enough to post the “before” without an “after” to lessen the pain. Some people I know wouldn't have a problem with the super revealing pictures—in underwear with shirt off. Some guys would be really comfortable with that regardless of their weight. Not me! No way, no how! I'm not that brave. But, I'm going to take these pictures and save them just for the sake of a jaw dropping contrast someday. I love jaw dropping before and afters, or “in progress” shots. I love 'em! I'm recruiting Irene to come over and take these shots, she'll do it—no problem!

The workout this morning was amazing. We did squats, modified push ups, plank raises (not sure if that's what it's called), and then we killed my mid-section with some killer sit-ups she called “out of beds.” I felt the workout all day and evening. I'm still feeling it. I worked out again tonight and it was noticeably harder to accomplish the same reps. I'm a sore boy.

Melissa has upped my calories to 1800. It's a little awkward, I'll admit...but it's not too bad. Listen to me, am I complaining about eating more? That's nuts, isn't it? She did tell me to make that extra 300 calories good stuff. Fruits, veggies, proteins...something real and good for me. So today I did 1800. Can you believe that? I feel good! Can't wait to see the difference this turning point creates.

Melissa left a very nice comment on last night's blog. She addressed the “stress factor” as it applies to weight loss. Here's what she said: Hey all you Sean supporters and my new client. How amazing to have this many people sending good thoughts and such a brave person to post his life's struggles. Oh! About the stress hormones...high levels of stress can cause your body to not reduce body fat as efficiently as it could under average levels of stress. If anyone has a question for me, just throw it out there. Sean can let me know because I have a 2 year old that requires a lot of attention and I don't get to read Sean's blog all the time. Lol. Sean-Another new road and I'm honored to be going down it with you. I will learn as much from you as you learn from me. I knew when I met you that God had a plan. Can't wait to see what the future brings!----Melissa Walden

I made the most wonderful turkey mozzarella melt egg white omelet for lunch today. The giant—and very filling plate load was an unbelievable 160 calories. I really should have had more calories for lunch---so I enjoyed a ham sandwich loaded with veggies a few hours later.

I interviewed Kat Long on my show this morning. She was promoting the 2010 Census employment testing. Kat is a long time reader of this blog and it was so good to see her. She came bearing gifts! A census 2010 mug filled with flavored tea bags! How did she know I wanted to start drinking less coffee? And then she gave me a wonderful water bottle. It's like she was reading my mind. More water is a top priority these days, I needed a good bottle. And then I remembered, she's not reading my mind---she's reading my blog! Thank you Kat! You know, Kat has accomplished her own successful weight loss journey! After losing 50 pounds, her and her husband both agreed---she was there, that was it...goal!

I drove to Stillwater tonight and picked up my mom. She's staying the weekend with me. I'll take her back on Sunday. We got back kind of late and I immediately took her down to the fitness room so we could visit while I worked out. It was good. Real good. The best part of the night was making a nearly 95 mile round trip smoke free. Driving and smoking always went hand in hand with me. But tonight—it was like I didn't miss the nasty things. I didn't have to crack my window once. And that dirty nasty ashtray? I tossed it all in the trash. Who needs it? Not me!

In the morning it'll be “Sean And Mom In The Morning,” We did that once before, it was so much fun! My mom has a great radio voice. She's a natural indeed and everybody just loves her on the air. We're looking forward to doing it again.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 479 A Small Gain Is OK, Losing The Grip of Self-Honesty Is Not

Day 479

A Small Gain Is OK, Losing The Grip of Self-Honesty Is Not

This day was a long time coming. Every other weigh day before—success! Oh yeah baby---I was kickin' off pounds like Krispy Kreme cranks out donuts. I was hot and fresh every weigh day! Most times with a big smile on my face as I sent out that mass weigh day update that always screamed check this out! Uh Yeah! I do remember that weigh day several months ago when I lost five pounds and threw some kind of silly kid-like temper tantrum because I thought it wasn't enough. I seriously needed slapped that day. I'd give anything to trade today's weigh in for that five pounder.

I've said it many times before---I became spoiled real fast. Who did I think I was? Better question---What did I think I was? Some kind of weight loss machine? You know what starts to happen? I'll tell you. I can't speak for everyone, but here's what happened along my road:

I started taking my weight loss for granted. I started loving my newfound freedom. I stopped a little and smelled the roses. Took some pictures and started actually liking the man staring back at me. I was enjoying the journey, which is great, but then I started enjoying it to the point of altering my performance. 1500 calories a day, no problem—never had a problem with that budget. But remember how many workouts I would miss and how much sleep I sacrificed while enjoying the spoils of my success? Somewhere along the way I also started getting real lax in the hydration department. Plenty of water---that's an unbreakable rule along this road, but I broke it. In fact---I didn't give it much attention at all. Proof? You can't find but maybe a handful of post in all of these 479 days where I talk about my water consumption. Every time I've said I'm not perfect, what I was really saying was: I honestly know what I could do even better, but hey---I've still lost X amount of pounds! I'm still a success along this road.

And that's true. I'm extremely proud of how far I've traveled. I honestly believe that I had very little time left at over 500 pounds. I feel like I'm out of the danger zone now. But I'm not done. This isn't where it all ends. This is where I finally stop talking about cracking down on myself—-and when I actually start doing it. You might say “Sean, come on---don't be so hard on yourself!” And I appreciate that, I do---I understand what you're saying, but I also understand how I've been so easy on myself for a little too long. It's time to get back to the fundamentals of what brought me this far. It's time to get consistent on a whole new level. This last 40 some pounds will be the most stubborn 40 some ever if I don't. OK---there. I feel better. Oh, yeah---I gained two pounds. 272 last time, 274 today.

And it's not the two pounds really. It's a self-honesty issue. Self-honesty is the biggest element of this journey, and following right behind is consistency. A two pound gain isn't a big deal. Continuing to tell myself I'm doing OK when I know I could be doing better---that's unacceptable. My best always? Hardly. So please don't interpret the last few paragraphs as another temper tantrum---No, this is my personal get real post. This is about being honest with myself about where I am, where I want to be, and what I'm willing to do to get there. My transformation is remarkable---it is, but what kind of transformation could I have experienced thus far had I maintained consistency with weight training that I started in FEBRUARY!!! Can you even imagine the difference 11 months of consistent weight training would have done for me at this point? It's a self-honesty issue that upsets me with me. I must take off the cruise control—because my body is too adapted to what I'm doing. Ok---I can do cardio---I've proven that, but I must not ever again ignore strength training!! I'm not fooling my body anymore. This is when the work—the honest to goodness work starts.

I called my friend and fellow “Lose To Win” speaker Melissa Walden today. Melissa is a teacher, fitness trainer, and life coach. And at 4:45am tomorrow morning---she officially becomes my trainer. I always send her the weigh day update mass text, but today was different. After personally calling and texting a couple of friends---I called another---Melissa. The first thing she asked me was “Have you been under any kind of stress lately?” Oh. Let's see---uh--yeah, I'd say that's a fair statement. With the marital issues and now the cold turkey nicotine quit, not to mention a few other ordinary life stresses---yes---yes, I'm a little stressed lately. She told me that my body could actually be producing hormones to combat that stress. Hormones that make it a little more difficult to lose weight. What? Well---that stresses me out even more! She then started asking me questions about my diet and exercise habits these days. Melissa hasn't caught up on the blog lately! I answered the questions and she gave me hope. She said we can do this! She even mentioned raising my calories to 1800. By the time I hung up the phone---I was pumped and ready to work like never before. My first session with her is scheduled for 4:45am tomorrow. Let's do this.

I'm only meeting with her one time a week right now. The money I'm saving by not buying cigarettes more than covers the extra expense. In fact---I'll save so much by being a non-smoker—I could afford a couple of visits a week! And still put some back in that clear jar that was suggested. Great idea by the way-Friend of The Bear, thank you my friend! And thank you to everyone that has given such tremendous support as I face down this nasty smoking habit. It has been tough, real tough—but I have to admit---it's noticeably easier at this very moment. I feel empowered, I really do. It's good, no---it's great!

Thank you for reading. Thank you for your kind support. And in the grammatically incorrect words of Bachman-Turner Overdrive...You ain't seen nothing yet! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 478 An Honor To Be Included and A Nice Dinner At Home

Day 478

An Honor To Be Included and A Nice Dinner At Home

I had to do something today I haven't done in a very long time. I woke up not feeling well at all. I was having some issues. I'll spare you the details, let's just call it an upset stomach. I'm still smoke free, isolated in my apartment without access. I decided that if I was going to take a sick day from work, I was staying inside all day. The only exception was to workout in the fitness room downstairs. Gayle Williams did my show this morning—thank you Gayle. Couldn't be helped today.

I was honored today when the one and only Jack Sh*t featured my best advice for real weight loss on his must read blog. It was an honor enough for me that he requested my advice for the post, but then when I read the advice from others featured, I realized: Hey—Jack has put me in some very elite company here! From Mizfit to The Anti-Jared, Diane Fit To The Finish, and even David Kirchhoff--the CEO of Weight Watchers International! There were many others and every single person on the post offered wonderful advice for weight loss and fitness. You can read the post on Jack's blog by clicking this link:
http://jackfit.blogspot.com/2010/01/advice-from-people-smarter-than-me.html

My workout this afternoon was OK, but it wasn't the greatest. I seriously need a trainer, I swear. I need someone to yell at me and push me, because...yeah, I'm way too easy on me. I have been ever since I started, and yes---I've lost weight successfully, but I know it's going to take some serious workouts to get to the next level. I'm tired of talking about it. I did do a treadmill 5K walk/jog. Funny that a 5K for me is now considered an “Ok” workout. I remember when a 5K was impossible to even fathom. I didn't even look at the elliptical. OK, I looked at it---but I didn't do it. And I hate to use the “I'm on edge” excuse because I no longer smoke, but I'm on edge---I'm dealing with strong cravings constantly. I want this, I want this bad. I want to reach my potential in the exercise and fitness area and I will do it as a non-smoker. This is the most important thing.

I wasn't feeling especially hot about my workout and then I did something that I hardly ever do that made me feel less thrilled about my workout. I watched the Biggest Loser. I watched maybe ten minutes of last season. Not because I don't like it, I just don't watch TV that much anymore. Too much other stuff going on! Tonight I watched over an hour. That show stirs emotions in me, maybe that's really why I don't watch. I can relate to their emotions and their stories, and it just wells me up. The workouts on that show are insane! But in a good way. I want someone to work me until I throw up! I want someone to yell at me and bring out the fight in me. I need that, I think I do. I know I do. I've proven that a consistent effort and do what you can approach works, but I'm always the first to admit, I could and should do more.

I prepared a wonderful dinner tonight. Courtney and I enjoyed a mozzarella baked chicken marinara over a small bed of spaghetti with a side of green beans. It was delicious. I measured out the sauce and the noodles, had the cheese cut to an ounce. The entire plate came in at 550 calories, slightly over where I like my meals, but I can live with that. It was good and since I measured everything perfectly, no leftovers! It certainly didn't look like enough pasta into the pot, but it was. We always prepared way too much pasta in the past because of that reason...it doesn't look like enough. Trust me, it is enough!

I'm posting the picture of me with my last cigarette over the weekend. I hate this picture. I didn't realize how much I've avoided smoking in pictures. I tried to find one of me smoking in the files and folders of not only my computer, but my daughters old hard drive, and I looked through the seemingly endless picture albums on my aunt Kelli's online archives. None. I've been ashamed of that habit my entire life! So I snapped this nasty photo. I couldn't look at the camera, I just shut my eyes. One of my motivating thoughts that keep me straight on this quit mission: I want to be free! I'm tired of being a slave to this habit. It's over and not another disgusting cigarette will ever hang from my lip again. I don't have to hide my habit from the camera anymore. I don't have to slip out the back door anymore. I don't have to embarrassingly explain to people I meet that I decided to lose weight first and then tackle the cigarettes. I can't tell you how many times I've run into someone who knows of my weight loss success and then they were shocked when they discovered my dirty little not so secret. It was a complete lifestyle contradiction. I'm no longer living that contradictory lifestyle. I'm still dealing with the strong cravings, but I'm winning. How can I lose with all of the wonderful support I've been receiving? Thank you my friend.

Tomorrow is weigh day. I'm looking forward to hopping on the scale and seeing what the last two weeks will give me. I'm pulling for the 260's---I just need a three pound loss to get that done. I'm headed for bed and work in the morning. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


Trying to render myself unconscious. I never allowed pictures of me with a cigarette. Never! This was a hard one to snap. But it's a part of the record that is this wonderful transformation. Ridding myself of this nasty habit is part of my journey. It's over now. Snap away!

Day 477 I Will Not Tolerate The Wrong Direction and I Will Not Smoke

Day 477

I Will Not Tolerate The Wrong Direction and I Will Not Smoke

I'm happy to report that I've never made it this long before without nicotine. I'm fighting it with everything I have, it's not going to win. Not now, not after all the progress we've made. I'm working hard to keep myself busy or asleep.

I battled the cravings this afternoon by simply going to bed. It's easy when you're unconscious. I woke up from my horribly long nap and immediately called a friend. I read today that it's a great idea to call someone when you're having a craving. I did, I called four different people tonight! I'm getting this, I'm going to make it.

As much as I would like to report that this hasn't effected my food intake, it has. I haven't broken the bank, but I've used my calories today in a very loose way. I'm normally somewhere around 700 to 800 calories by early evening. When I laid down at 4pm for a nap---I was at 1100. It made for a very interesting dinner. I had some soup for 200 and Irene brought me a 150 calorie soft serve from McDonalds. It wasn't an easy night, but it was what I made it. I chose to short myself later by eating more earlier. I was comfortably at 750 when I decided that a chicken taco and a few chips and salsa sounded good.

I refuse to believe that gaining weight is inevitable when quitting cigarettes. A friend who quit several years ago told me that regardless of what I do, I might experience a weight gain---because my metabolism will be altered. No, not going to let this happen. I'll get crazy driven real fast---I refuse to go in the wrong direction. I'm going down and I'm going to do it without smokes. I've never been extreme, not in all 477 days. You know me, I'm laid back and easy---keeping it simple and straight, but if I see a weight gain---I'll get extreme on me real fast.

Amber turned 20 today. We're hoping to see her later in the week and celebrate. We all called and talked several times today. She's getting ready to go back to class on Wednesday. No longer a teenager, wow...I feel so much older than my 38 years. Happy birthday Amber!

I certainly don't mean to turn this into a stop smoking blog, it isn't---this is and will always be a blog about losing weight naturally. But pardon me right now, I'm consumed with this crazy fight. So naturally it's flowing out of my brain and onto my keyboard tonight.

Weigh day is Wednesday. I hope to drop into the 260's for the first time since...wow, I don't know---early teens maybe? It'll be nice I'm sure.

I found some wonderful forums on become an ex dot org. I found several people sharing thoughts, my thoughts exactly, and that helped. A bunch of people are going through this battle right now, I'm not alone---that's for sure.

Thanks for reading. And the picture of me with the last smoke---it just disgust me. i can't imagine anyone wanting to see this nasty picture, but a friend and regular reader asked me where it was, they wanted to see it---I'll post it soon. I just don't like it. I was so ashamed, I couldn't even look at the camera. My eyes are closed as if I'm saying---just snap the thing and let's move on! I'll post it tomorrow night. I'm going back to bed now. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 476 A Profound Effect At Just The Right Moment

Day 476

A Profound Effect At Just The Right Moment

Today was a Day 1 for me in the smoking department and I'm telling you, my addiction to nicotine is driving me crazy, but I'm still standing. People tell me their stories of quitting cold turkey and sometimes they make it sound so easy. It's like hearing about weight loss success stories when I was a miserable 505 pounds and felt completely hopeless. “I just walked over to the trash can, threw 'em away, and never looked back!” or “I woke up one day and decided that I'd had enough, never touched another one again” and “My kid asked me to quit, I did it right then and there, you can too.” My late Aunt Violet threw away a brand new carton of cigarettes after hearing a radio news report about the harmful effects of second hand smoke in the mid nineteen-eighties. She couldn't stop thinking about how she was hurting her grandkids, that was it for her---it was done. She passed away early last year and it had nothing to do with cigarettes. So why is it so hard for me?

I don't want the gum or the patch. I want to be like them! I want to be free without any thing other than my resolve to help me through. A friend offered me an electronic cigarette and smokeless filters today, completely free of charge. It delivers nicotine and looks and feels like a cigarette, but it doesn't actually light---and the smoke is just water vapor. I thanked them and declined. Then two hours later I found myself parked outside of a convenience store struggling with the idea of failure and what it would mean to me. My addiction to nicotine was winning. I was just minutes from sucking on another nasty cigarette---just minutes from destroying the integrity of my mission to quit, and then it happened. It was like one of those stories you watch in a movie where everything happens at just the right time, making everything so clear and understood.

I was sitting there in the parking lot of the convenience store ready to break my promise to myself, my family, my readers---not even a day into this, and I was ready to give up---how pathetic is that? Just then the e-mail alert went off on my phone. I decided to check it before going into the store and what I found was this blog comment from Dawne: I am attending a funeral for my 41 year old friend, who was diagnosed with lung cancer 2 weeks ago, on Tuesday. I spent her last night on earth with her, holding her hand in the hospital. I thought of you and prayed that you would make this decision. No one should have to die the way my friend did. Congrats on your decision and I know you will find the strength to kick that habit for good!

I read it over and over and I just sit and slowly cried right there at the Stop and Go. I couldn't give in now, I couldn't do it. Dawne, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and I sincerely thank you for sharing that with me. It had a profound effect. I put the vehicle in reverse and went home. I'm doing this now. I'm not looking back and I'm not giving in, this is it. Because I've been too lucky for too long, I can't tempt fate another day with those things. It's over.

I really wanted to do a 10K on the treadmill today, but I didn't. I did complete a 5K with enough jogging to really get the sweat pouring. It was a great workout. I didn't do the 10K because---well, honestly---there isn't a good reason. I had the time and nothing was stopping me, except me I guess. Today has been a constant struggle to do what's right and good, and my focus has been zeroed in on that---everything else is kind of a blur.

I prepared the biggest egg white omelet known to man today. OK, probably not the biggest egg wise, let me explain. We recently bought a new non-stick griddle type pan, it's huge. I took four egg whites and poured them on, letting them spread out real thin. When that thing was ready for the cheese, boy, I knew I had created a special omelet. I put in some cheese and fresh mushrooms, then rolled it up instead of folding it over. It was so big it actually hung off the plate on both sides. And the thing was still under 200 calories. I also grilled some chicken today. My food is solid and I don't see that changing regardless of my fight to stay off cigarettes. It's too important—both issues. We've come too far to ever go back, you know what I mean?

Our oldest turns twenty tomorrow. Twenty years old, wow. I can't believe it really. It just doesn't seem possible. I'll be calling her at precisely 12:19pm tomorrow. Amber is no longer a teenager! Crazy, isn't it? Makes me feel old...but I'm only 38, I swear!

Thank you for reading. And to everyone that has left encouraging words of support, I can't thank you enough. You're helping me more than you know, sincerely—thank you. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 475 Trying To Avoid A Tragic Irony

Day 475

Trying To Avoid A Tragic Irony

Today reminded me of the first couple of weekends of my weight loss journey. I woke up and realized that I didn't have the routine of a workday to keep me busy. I didn't have a set schedule to offer some structure to my day. I was so worried about weekends when I started. Too much time on my hands, too much time to think about my choices, good and bad. Day 6 was my first Saturday and Day 475 felt like my first Saturday all over again. I have two cigarettes left. I've slowed way down because I know that when they're gone, they're gone, that's it. I'm saving that last one for a picture that I really don't want to see, but it will not disgust me as bad knowing that it was the last. I can't let myself down this time, I can't let my family and friends down this time, I must do this now. That's the same thing I kept repeating to myself when I started down this weight loss road.

When I started on September 15th, 2008---I honestly felt like tragedy was right around the corner, following me, just waiting to kill me. I was really scared and I knew that if it did claim me, not one family or friend would have been the least bit shocked. I was a mess at 505 pounds. I was taunting and tempting fate with every pound I gained and carried. Everyday that I kept eating whatever and how much ever I wanted, was just another day closer to a very sad conclusion of a short life. I feel the same way about these blasted cigarettes. Every one I smoke, I can't help but think is this the one? Is this the cigarette that pushes me past the point of no return? And then I think about the tragic irony that would surround my story. Do you ever do that? Think about your story, your life? What will people say about you when you're gone? I think too much sometimes, perhaps. But---really, I've mentioned this before. How tragically ironic would it be for me to lose all of my weight in a pursuit to be healthy and live like never before, and then be killed from a smoking related disease.

What thought drives me right now, this second---as I sit here writing? I pray that it's not too late. It's the same prayer I held tight out on that walking trail in September of 2008. Just walking or waddling really made me hurt and at 505, any little twinge of chest pain scared me, is this it, am I about to drop dead? Please don't kill me, please give me time to get this weight off, I beg of you---don't let me be too late to change. Same prayer, different addiction. I'm quitting now in hopes that I'm getting out before it ruins my happy ending. I've often said that we are the author of our story. We decide what kind of story, life it will be. We decide. Of course I believe that we have a great publisher and editor that can change or end that story, reminding us that we're not completely in control. But we have to live our best in hopes that the life we choose, the story we've written, will be accepted as it unfolds, with very few edits. I don't like tragic endings, and I refuse to have one. Please don't let me have one.

As I got around today, I discovered that the OSU game against Ole Miss in the Cotton Bowl was a day game. For some reason I thought it was a night game. If I hadn't turned on the TV when I did, I would have missed the game. I wish I would have never turned on the TV. That was tough to watch. Talk about unhappy endings. But they started with so much promise, had a great season despite their flaws and unfortunate circumstances, but it wasn't the ending any Cowboy fan wanted. It'll be interesting to see how positive changes affect the 2010 season. One of these seasons they're going to get it right and win it all. I just know it! It all sounds familiar to me.

After lounging in the recliner and enjoying the game, it was time to get something done. I needed a workout. I needed to take my frustrations from the game out on that elliptical downstairs. I only did 15 minutes this time, but my performance on the treadmill was something special. I pushed myself hard. I didn't do a 5K---only two miles. But I jogged at least ¾ of that two miles. It was a better workout than any 5K I've completed recently. I'm thinking of doing a treadmill 10K tomorrow. I'll be completely free of cigarettes and dealing with the nicotine withdrawals---just might be a good time to push myself even further. I'll release so many endorphins, I'll have no choice but to feel great!

I was invited out to karaoke by my friends Skyler and Lauren tonight. Honestly, I didn't feel like going, but I did anyway. It was a last minute decision and it was all right. I never had the confidence to do karaoke when I weighed over 500 pounds---I could do stand-up comedy all night long, but for some reason, singing in front of people---I just couldn't do it before. I'm not the greatest singer, but the point isn't to be great, it's to have fun. I performed Joe Jackson's “Is She Really Going Out With Him?” When I was a kid I would blare that song to my neighborhood from my bedroom window. I loved it then, never dreaming that twenty-eight years later I'd be doing what I did tonight. Fun? Yes it was!

Thank you for reading. I'm going to prepare myself a low calorie omelet now with egg whites, low fat-part skim mozzarella, mushrooms, and tomato sauce. I call it a pizza omelet! It comes in at 170 calories, that's it! And it's so good! Have a great Sunday. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 474 Resolving To Improve Regardless of The Date

Day 474

Resolving To Improve Regardless of The Date

I don't do New Years resolutions. Not anymore. I'll never forget the time I publicly resolved to lose weight and quit smoking right there on the pages of the second largest newspaper in the state. I failed horribly at both and was seriously embarrassed by it all. You can read the follow up article in the archives of the Tulsa World newspaper. For some reason, the original article isn't showing up in the archives at Tulsa World dot com. Here is the new link: http://www.tulsaworld.com/scene/article.aspx?subjectid=43&articleid=011231_Li_d1their&archive=yes
You might notice the article from eight years ago mentions “divorce pending,” uh yeah---same issues, but we worked it out back then. Anyway... Oh, by the way---it also called me a "father of three." Uh...no. Just two!

I guess I've made some, but I don't call them New Years resolutions anymore. I'd be making these changes and trying to improve regardless of the date. So what do I want to accomplish in 2010? I'll hit my weight loss goal soon. It may not be where I'll ultimately end up, but I'll hit 230---I'm headed there. I'll increase my water consumption. This is another issue I rarely mention. I don't drink enough, I don't! I haven't throughout this entire journey. It really makes me wonder how much more I could have lost by properly hydrating my body. Water is crucial. And I do drink it, just not enough. If 64 ounces is the bare minimum we should drink, I've fallen below that number more times than not. I'm certainly not proud of that. It goes back to the whole—“It hasn't been perfect,” but it has been incredible despite the flaws.

Big things? Well...I could go on and on about some big plans and dreams I'd like to accomplish in 2010, but I'd rather not discuss them at length. I'd rather just do whatever I need to do to make my dreams a reality and I'll share them along the way in these writings. It's going to be an amazing year, it really will be a wonderful 2010.

I started my day today by grilling some chicken and cooking some egg whites. I know, strange combination, but it was really good! The first workout of 2010 was good. I did 20 minutes on the elliptical and walk/jogged a 5K on the treadmill. It was a wonderful way to start 2010. It's really hard to believe I can do what I'm doing when I workout. It's amazing how much easier it gets over time. My mom is another good example. I talked to her today and she told me of her New Years Day one mile walk. One mile is so wonderful for her. She could barely make it across the street when she started. So yes, it gets easier and better. And then with consistent effort, you end up amazing yourself at what you can do. It goes well beyond what you even thought could be possible. I'm not even close to my workout potential, so I plan on amazing myself even more this year.

I watched some football today and played poker with friends until nearly 11pm. Amber is back at KL's parents house getting ready for the upcoming semester at SWOSU and Courtney spent the day with her friends and the night with her mother.

Smoking update? I have about 10 cigarettes left. I will not buy another pack, ever. This is it. The decision is “iron clad.” It's over. A reader friend suggested a “smoking picture,” something to look back on down this road. Great idea and I'll do it. But I don't like it! I always get rid of the smoke before the camera snaps. You would think that something that disgust me so much would have been easy to walk away from before now, but oh my friend. It's that importance level thing. How important is this decision now? The highest possible. I'm falling back and relying on the mental exercises that have helped me lose this weight---because it does apply. I'm so proud of myself for finally being honest enough to admit that. My goal is to handle the nicotine “fits” with grace and class. I wish I could lock myself up for three days like a couple of people suggested. Well, they didn't say “lock yourself up,” they just said to put yourself in a smoke free situation for three days. Apparently that's how long the body will pester me for the drug. After that the body says, “OK, you win! I don't need them anymore...you happy?” Yes, I'll be thrilled to be free. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

Day 473 New Years Eve Year In Review---2009

Day 473

New Years Eve Year In Review—2009

From Day 109 to Day 473, the year 2009 will go down as the most transforming year of my life. It was a year of dreams realized and dreams formed. It was a year of learning. A year of happiness and some heartache, it was the best of times and at times the worst, all rolled up into one remarkable 365 days.

It was full of milestones. I hit 100 pounds lost in 2009. I set a personal weight loss record of 119 pounds on February 18th. Every pound I've lost since has set a new personal record. I crossed the 150 pounds lost mark. My jeans kept getting smaller and my belts quickly went from the first notch all the way down to homemade holes---just to keep my pants from falling down. I crossed the 200 pounds lost mark and by September 14th---Day 365, I had lost 212 pounds. I finished the year with a total loss right at 233 pounds.

I was able to completely normalize my blood pressure to the point that medication is no longer needed. I no longer need a C-PAP machine to sleep normally. I fit in a booth, I went swimming, I enjoyed sitting in narrow chairs in theaters, I made my stage acting debut in a leading role, I drove a two seater sports car, I finished a 10K, I enjoyed a theme park with my family and fit comfortably on every ride, and so much more. There's even more I want to do in 2010. Oh yeah, we have some serious living to do!

The following is a bunch of videos and pictures from this most wonderful year. I hope you enjoy. Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean


February 7th, 2009 Playing racquetball with the wall. Very boring video---but a great workout!


February 19, 2009 Lose To Win Seminar 119 pounds lost at this point.
This is just part one of four parts. You can watch the entire 36 minute seminar presentation by going to Day 165 Bonus Video Blog in the archives.


Eating ice cream and still losing weight!


The demise of the Uni-Brow


I was so impressed with 4 mph!


Taking a Plunge ---early March 2009


An amazing 240 calories


Amber and dad tackle the Olive Garden


Finally---fitting in a booth!


Teaching Ronald McDonald about healthy snacks


Enjoying, I mean truly enjoying a theme park for the first time. I fit on everything and anything I wanted.


After my first 10K---You can do it too!


Grandpa and me—Before


The two of us---Before




In progress---sometime in early 2009




big before


My girls and me


The Tux --May 2009


007 Sean


First ever adult picture of me wearing shorts


The Before and In-Progress pic that just blew me away. Couldn't believe I ever looked that big---or that small


Watchout---Sean's discovered sunglasses. Never wore them before because they looked funny on my fat face. They don't look so funny anymore. But it is funny because I'm trying to look tough!


Flying across the waves on a jet-ski. I always wanted to do that. Did it.


My biggest jeans ever.


We could probably both fit in them now.


Big before picture at Amber's graduation


The four of us! ---in progress!


Courtney and me backstage at the Candlebox concert Summer 2009


Before with sciatic nerve pain---in the motorized cart at Wal-Mart—excess of 500 pounds


Much smaller---re-creating the photo in the cart


In the weight room at the YMCA


On the Club Level baby! At Boone Pickens Stadium. For some reason I'm unable to smile and wear sunglasses at the same time. It's strange. I'm too cool to smile, I guess. Funny.




Acting on stage. Another dream realized thanks to this dramatic transformation.


Before picture with mom. Name in lights!


This photo from our theme park trip really showed me how dramatic the change had become.


One of the biggest before pictures on record. From November 2007—broadcasting from the Oklahoma Centennial Celebration in Guthrie.


Fitting in one of those desk!


Always wanted to act on stage. Here's the program page from my debut performance!




Dancing in the play


With mom at the Oklahoma State Homecoming Parade in October 2009


Another dream realized. Fitting inside and driving a two seater sports car---not just any little sports car, this is a Corvette!


The 10K. Oh yeah!


So proud of that number!


I don't know why, but I like this shot.


The profile shot. Not a bad transformation so far. What an amazing year.