Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Day 617 It's All A Part of This Deeply Personal Transformation

Day 617

It's All A Part of This Deeply Personal Transformation

I've stared at this blank screen for the last half hour, deep in thought, wondering how to put this in words. Today was tough. It had nothing to do with food and exercise, or cravings and temptation. It was an emotional end to a twenty-one year marriage. It was a quiet little signing ceremony with Irene, me, a lawyer and a judge. I've made wonderful strides over the last several months in keeping this kind of stuff out of this blog, but I can't tonight. I've been consumed with reflection all day long. I tried to just walk out of the judges chambers, hug Irene, get in my vehicle and go back to the studio---but I didn't make it. I pulled into a park and just sat there in thought. My mom called and asked how I was doing---and I just lost it. I needed her to call at that moment and she did, isn't that amazing? I swear, moms are psychic. I was slowly eating my lunch and watching the birds. This was it. The biggest motivator for me to seriously start along this weight loss road was the fear of my family falling apart. And it did anyway, today was D day. But you know what?

We're still a family of four, the living arrangements may have changed, but we're still and always will be a family. And further...

Irene and I will always love one another and we'll always be supportive of each other. When we wrote BFF on all of those little high school notes, we meant it! She's an awesome person. She's beautiful, talented, smart, loving, and has done an amazing job raising two fantastic daughters with me. There is no animosity between us now---the blame game is long past, and the tenderness we shared in the hugs immediately after todays formalities really showed how far we've matured along this road of life.

If the preceding was a little too mushy, personal, and non-weight loss related for you, then you're probably new to this blog. This has always been a family journey and truly a daily diary of my travels from 505 pounds. I've dared to explore every facet along the way, knowing that the answers I seek might be found in the sum of everything that has made me who I am today. I knew that this time, this weight loss attempt---it had to be different from any other I'd ever tried, I had to dig deep and write it out if I was ever to understand my morbid obesity. I still don't understand it all, but what I've learned along the way gives me incredible confidence for a future free from the threats of this killer.

I did end up taking longer to get back to work today, with my detour in the park---but before that I was really in a hurry to get back to work. I ran into a convenience store to grab something for lunch and had a really hard time choosing something I could feel good about. I finally emerged with an orange, a banana, and a Cliff Bar. I'm normally not a "bar person," but these choices were probably the best 400 calorie lunch combination I was finding in there. The Cliff Bar was all natural---and really, it was amazingly good! When mom called, one of the things she asked was "what are you eating?" I told her a Cliff Bar and she was shocked I think. She told me she was having a bar too. Neither one of us use them exclusively to lose weight, you know that. Today it was convenient and very wholesome.

I talked with Courtney tonight and she said she was being bombarded with temptation. There's a Starbucks inside the store where she works and they were clearing out some of the leftover treats. They offered her a bunch of incredibly delicious and loaded goodies and she accepted. BUT---she distributed them to some of her friends and didn't touch them at all, saying "Dad--I only have 200 calories left in my budget today, I'll be alright." Yes she will. Absolutely, she's got this under control in a very solid way. Maybe we'll split a rice krispy treat tomorrow.

The girls were both spending the evening and night with their mom. It gave me some time to sit in this quiet apartment and meditate about everything. We have some wonderful times ahead, and when I think about how far we've come---despite the ups and downs of life, I can't help but smile. We're extremely fortunate, very blessed, and incredibly lucky. It was the positive thought I needed to push myself out the door and onto the bike.

The plan was to ride to the trail and do a 5K, but I didn't. I just enjoyed the ride. Somedays are just emotionally exhausting, and this was one. Call it an excuse, I prefer "circumstance." This was more than I'd normally ask of myself on a day like today. The ride made me feel good, the air, and the movement was needed.

I enjoyed a grilled chicken, cheese, and veggie omelet this evening--it was big and heavy, checking in at 400 calories. I sliced a green apple and spread a teaspoon of peanut butter on the slices for a nice indulgent sweet taste. How daring is that? Nope, they never hid the jar, and I haven't had a meltdown with the peanut butter since I made that semi-serious request. I was in control and feeling good. There's a lot to feel good about around here.

Thanks for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Love this pic. We'll always be a fabulous foursome!

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Easily my favorite photo of the two of us. This was snapped on a triumphant day last fall---remember our incredible trip to the amusement park? We rode rollercoasters together---and fit perfectly on anything and everything that park had to offer. It was a dream realized that day!

31 comments:

  1. My best to both you and Irene, Sean. This is indeed a time for reflection and contemplation. It is good you are both still friends and have so many happy memories to look back on.

    Tomorrow is another day, another new beginning. You, young man are on the threshhold of great things. Look in the mirror, take a look at that fabulous man.

    Sean Anderson, the rest of your life beckons, grab it with both hands, be the man you were always meant to me.

    Big Hugs

    Sheilagh

    xxx

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  2. A very sad day for you, my friend. But I love that you are continuing in your love for the family. You can't change the past but your heart seems focused on making this new version of your family as good as it can be. That's the best you can do.

    God bless you, Sean.

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  3. Forgot to add:

    (((Sean)))

    *cyber hugs*

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  4. An emotionally loaded day and you navigated it perfectly. You may not be perfect, but you are very close when it comes to wise choices for your body. Good on you.

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  5. Didn't know I would start the day out crying. With a huge lump in my throat all I can say is, God Bless your fabulous foursome forever!

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  6. Just hugs for you...that is all.

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  7. Inspiring, in a great way, Thanks

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  8. I think it is amazing the way you and Irene still respect each other through it all..... a LOT of divorces turn out ugly...I'm glad yours didn't.

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  9. I never know quite whether to say, "I'm so sorry," or "Congratulations" when I hear news of divorce. Perhaps a little of both? It's especially difficult since I don't know you personally at all and don't know the backstory of you and your wife. I'm sad for you, but I'm happy that you have such a positive attitude about it and can see so many happy times for your family in your future. Keep up the positive outlook.

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  11. It's a tough day to get through, I know from experience,even for folks who go through a less amicable divorce. You just have to trust that good things lie ahead for you if you are open to recognize and embrace them. As the song Closing Time so poignantly states, "Every new beginning comes from some other beginnings end."
    ((HUGS))

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  12. Ok I have missed reading ur blog for months, I am floored. I am so sorry but very proud that u kept ur eating in check. Thinking of u both
    Kathie. www.tranquilityroad.com

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  13. A big cyberhug to all of you Sean.

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  14. Bonds are not forged or broken with signatures.

    Blue~

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  15. I'm thinking of you, Sean. All I can offer you is that if anyone can handle something like this, I KNOW it's you. ((HUGS))

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  16. Sean,

    I am a regular reader of your blog (though on Google Reader) and I really think you are an inspiration for losing the weight and keeping it off.

    Your attitude of reflecting and then rationalizing what happens is amazing. The fact that you look for positives too.

    Keep your chin up.

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  17. Thinking of you all and knowing that you are all going to be great cause you still have each other - for support and guidance
    Best wishes on your journeys ahead
    Lisa in NZ

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  18. I'm crying for you babe so I can't leave a decent comment today. Hugs.

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  19. I'm so sorry Sean, you've been through some momentous changes. Your strength and graciousness always shines through.
    Blessings
    Rach

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  20. Hi Sean. Well done on getting through this day with such a positive mindset.

    I'm sure there are many great things ahead for you. And continuing happiness in your personal relationships too. And that's the greatest thing anyone can have.

    Bearfriend xx

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  21. Cyberhugs to all of you at this difficult time...

    {{{{Sean, Irene, Courtney, Amber}}}}

    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  22. Your post brought back memories, and I am sure for many that have failed marriages. I am going to share what someone once shared with me, when my marriage fell apart. Don't be quick to jump, make decision or move on. Take one year and take all the time you need to "reflect". You will heal more soundly. I truly wish you and Irene the absolute best, God Bless.

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  23. I read your words but have never commented. This one touched my heart and I felt compelled to say something today.

    Sometimes, despite our best intentions, we just grow apart from someone we still love and care for. We begin to head in different directions and need different things.

    I admire your courage and your wonderful attitude and I'm sure your sense of family will remain regardless of the living situation.

    You continue to be an inspiration....a very long distance cyber hug from me

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  24. Sean, I'm sorry to hear of this. I wish that I had read this yesterday, Because when I saw you today I would of gave you a pat on the back and told you that it will be okay. But hey 21 years, man you and Irene should be proud. 21 years, wow I solute you guys. Best wishes to you and your family. Just remember, family is family regardless of the situation. There is always a light at the end of the tunnel and a new door to be opened, just keep looking up and thinking good thoughts.

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  25. This is one of the best things I have ever read.
    YOu are some good people.
    That's all.

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  26. I'm sorry to hear your marriage is over but you're very lucky to continue to have the love and support of your soul mate. It's sad to admit that people change (in big and small ways) and no matter how much love there is it's just not enough to stay together.

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  27. That day was a tough day for me too buddy...all the memories all the times good and bad that we have shared came flooding back in. and as we walked the last walk as a married couple down that hall to the judges chamber there was nothing there but love...you have always completed me, you have been my best friend forever since I was 15 I have relied on you to make me laugh to comfort me to hold my hand and reassure me everything was going to be alright...We are not over buddy you will always be a part of me in everything I do. I will always comfort you and I will always be here for you through anything and everything...I will always love you buddy and I will always be your buddy...

    Irene

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  28. Sean, this post brought tears to my eyes. Not just because the end of a long, beautiful relationship is a sad thing. Because seeing how you GET IT, that this journey and transformation isn't just about your family but about YOU - well, that's some awesome truth. "I've dared to explore every facet along the way, knowing that the answers I seek might be found in the sum of everything that has made me who I am today."

    Thems profound words, Sean. Hang in there and know we're all thinking of you.

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  29. WOW!!! There are a lot of married couple who don't have the love & respect of each that you two obviously do. How inspiring. ((HUGS)) to you all.

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