Wednesday, April 8, 2015

April 8th, 2015 The Beast Complex

April 8th, 2015 The Beast Complex

Sometimes, when I catch my reflection in a window, I pause and stare. It's not a vanity thing, it's a "that's me in there, that's what I look like now, even if my brain doesn't fully agree--there is reality, staring back at me." And it's great. But it's different than before. It's truly different.
 photo Reflection_zpsy7gp115f.jpg
When I see my reflection, it might take a few seconds to adjust my perception of the physical--but then I can see the other stuff inside me. Instead of getting caught up in the dang, I look thin mindset, I immediately go into the this is what recovery, food sobriety, abstinence from sugar, giving and receiving strong support and taking extraordinary care looks like and feels like, mindset.

I've learned a bunch of powerful lessons along this road and one of the biggest is all about the difference between what's fun and slightly important and what's most meaningful and critically important.

Once upon a time, I kept a keen eye out for potential romantic relationships, because I wanted to feel desired, loved and in my clouded perception, I wanted a kind of confirmation of my attractiveness. At my heaviest it was automatic for me to consider myself very unattractive, at times, repulsive, hideous even. I call it "The Beast Complex." Right or wrong, doesn't matter, it was my perception. And no amount of weight loss success or compliments along the way, possessed enough power to eradicate this complex.

In that 'I'm hideous, look away' mindset, every important thing about me was ignored, in favor of this shallow, self-critical beast perception. Coming from that horrible mental place, then transforming into something dramatically different had enormous potential for trouble. And thanks to this inner struggle, I've found plenty of it since my divorce nearly five years ago. A pattern developed, looking external for something found exclusively internal.

Love and acceptance for oneself is a solid prerequisite to a successful relationship. Looking for someone to somehow provide this via their attraction or anything else, is a tragic mistake because it's an impossible task to ask of anyone. It's horribly unfair and in my experience, never ends well. 

Over the last year, everything has changed. My perception continues to shift in a direction giving me an entirely different outlook. Now, I don't need confirmation of anything. I'm more confident in who I am and what I'm all about, than ever before--and it continues to strengthen.

When I see my reflection these days, a whole new set of thoughts and priorities come to mind. And for this, I'm truly grateful. This self love and acceptance I'm nurturing and growing gives me a more balanced foundation for pursuing my personal and professional goals--the things I'm most passionate about, none of which involve finding a relationship. The whole relationship thing will happen someday down the road, I'm sure. Right now, I'm perfectly content giving myself and the things critically important to me, undivided attention. It's about time. And oh, what a wonderful time!
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My entire schedule today was fashioned around the expectation of severe weather coverage duty this evening. When I realized the threat would come later than expected, I quickly made my way to the Y for the elliptical and weights. My fear was the storms moving in might cause me to miss my workout altogether.

I was able to get my workout and dinner complete before needing to report to the studio. The coverage tonight has kept me up much later than expected, but still--I feel great about getting my exercise and taking extraordinary care in the food department. It might be late, but it was a good day.

My Tweets Today:


















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

18 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. I'm glad you're here, Robin. Thank you.

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  2. Sean, I find your positivity comes through so strong. The weight loss you have achieved is fantastic but the confidence you have gained is what I believe will keep you maintaining.

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    1. Katrin, thank you very much! I agree, it will certainly contribute in a big way!

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  3. Your blog is always inspiring. I just wonder if you will still blog when you return to maintenance. I think blogging is also your guiding star in maintenance. When you stopped blogging before, you gained. So happy for you at this stage of your life.

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    1. Thank you, A. YES, I'm definitely planning on blogging daily into maintenance and for who knows how long? It's like therapy for me. You're absolutely right--blogging was something I avoided during regain/relapse, because I didn't want to face the truth of what was happening...I often wonder how different things might have turned out had I never stopped to begin with--Of course, now--I really like how things have unfolded. I've learned some invaluable things I possibly wouldn't have had I never experienced the relapse/regain period...big things.

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  4. Strong post. So impressive how you braved the storm to take care of yourself!

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    1. Thank you, S! I appreciate this. Storms pass! :)

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  5. This blog sure hit home with me Sean. Today I seek out my reflection in store windows and mirrors, and even though I am up almost 30 pounds from my lowest, and I can sure tell that, I am proud of myself. My size always took complete priority in my own mind over anything else I might have had going for me in my life. I could not take pride in myself or anything I accomplished, feeling that my weight over-shadowed everything else. Yet I would get angry when I felt people were judging me on my size alone, even though that was what I constantly did to myself. Love and acceptance of ourselves is so important, and honestly, that becomes so much easier when we are making the choices that will lead us to become healthier and thinner.

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    1. "Yet I would get angry when I felt people were judging me on my size alone, even though that was what I constantly did to myself." That, Dup--is so VERY true. Until the perspective flipped around, I couldn't see--I was always the worst one judging myself--totally true...Then, I would project it all over anyone else I met--because, if I felt that way, surely they did too!!
      When we're showing ourselves exceptional love and acceptance, it's ten times easier to recognize and embrace.
      Thank you very much, Dup!

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  6. Thanks again Sean for sharing yourself and your insights. I admire, in addition to all said, your faithfulness in blogging!
    N~

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    1. I appreciate this, Nancy! I sincerely appreciate your loyal readership!! Keeping it daily is very important to me. This blog has given me so much, so much internal study through writing it out, it's like therapy sometimes.

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  7. sounds as if your insides and your outsides are starting to match up

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    1. Excellent way to say it, Gerri. Thank you!

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  8. Sean, although your path and mine are quite different, I am always struck by your fundamental goodness and kindness. I wish there were more people like you in the world.

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    1. Wendy, Thank you so very much for those words. I sincerely appreciate this.

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  9. All I can say is that you did it again. You hit home, not with just me but with everyone who reads you. You are a very powerful writer, Sean. You don't need me to tell you that! :)
    There will be a day that I can look at my reflection and see someone I love in it. Sadly that just isn't happening~ still. I thought I was there. I was getting there at least and then life hit me in the a## and boom , I went right back to old mind sets. I'm not giving up on it though.. Maybe I should look at my reflection and pick one piece of me that I do like ..that is funny just typing it!
    Anyway.. you inspire me on a daily basis, Sean. I'm not sure where you find your inner strength but I admire it.
    Rosie

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    1. Rosie, you have just described a fantastic exercise. Look in the mirror and find something you like. Start there.
      Be kind to my friend Rosie, okay!!
      "I'm not giving up on it though," Love this. never give up, Rosie!! I sincerely appreciate your readership and support. You contribute to my strength!!!

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