Friday, January 22, 2016

January 22nd, 2016 Impossible Times

January 22nd, 2016 Impossible Times

Part of my early morning routine is assessing the day ahead. I'm looking for possible challenges and ideas on how to navigate around them or through them while making sure the fundamental elements of my recovery remain intact. Today presented many challenges.

Finally, I can blame lack of rest on something other than my own poor choices. This steroid pack I'm working through seems to mess with my internal clock.

The main challenge today was realizing my schedule likely wouldn't allow for an afternoon nap of any kind. And my assessment was spot on. 

My ability to make today a good one was all about the attitude I chose to embrace. I refused to get grumpy. I did get a short mid-afternoon break that really wasn't long enough for a nap but was long enough for me to hang out with Noah. Little man really wanted to go outside. He didn't care how cold it was. He wanted to run. So I let him. And I chased him. I pretended like I was trying to catch him but couldn't and it made him laugh so hard. I love to hear his laugh. Finally, I had to pick him up and carry him inside--and he was NOT happy about this in the slightest. It was a good mid-afternoon break before heading off for other work related duties.

My car finally made it out after two weeks in the shop. It was good to get it back and drive my own car again, especially today, a day that included driving two different vehicles not my own.

I took care today. Even though challenged with a packed schedule--I took care. This life I'm choosing to live has proven many things to me and one of those is, no matter the speed of the day, I can still pause long enough to make good choices along the way. I can still prepare good food. I can still pack and plan food that fits into the day's schedule. I can still interact with friends in support. I can still make the right moves that are in harmony with my goals. I once believed this to be impossible.

But as I look back on those impossible times, I realize what was missing. It wasn't a way. It was my will. I hadn't the will. As soon as life became challenging I'd abandon any semblance of a plan designed for continued positive progress. I'm too busy to worry about that stuff, was a common refrain.

Now it's like this: These elements of my recovery are non-negotiable, so if the day has the potential to get crazy, I best have a plan in place that gives me the best chance of maintaining their integrity.

What's amazing is how in adopting this approach, it actually strengthens the day instead of getting in the way. It does, in my opinion, because it provides a nice measure of calm and certainty in a world with occasional chaos and uncertainty. 

I made it home a little after 8pm this evening. I changed into my "I'm in for the evening" outfit and immediately started preparing a late dinner. It was incredibly delicious. Oh my... I loved dinner tonight. It was a late one, but worth the wait. 

Then, a little while after--about 10pm, I laid down and slept until midnight. Why? Great question! I've been itching to tell you but couldn't until it was official!

Because I'm fine tuning a stand-up set for a big show tomorrow night. I needed a sharp, well rested mind--and that super late two hour nap gave me just what I needed. I'll be up until 3:30am--but, I get to sleep in as long as I need, to be as rested as possible for tomorrow night's big show.

I've been asked to open the big Smokey Robinson concert with a relatively short, sweet and funny stand-up set. The concert is at a big casino venue about twenty-five minutes from my apartment. I'm super excited!! Big stage, big lights, big crowd--and doing stand-up, something that brings me immense joy!! And however it goes, I'll still get to experience that joy. And if it goes really well, I may receive more opportunities to open for big name concerts, right down the road from where I live. It's another wonderful outlet for an important core element of me! I'll let you know how it goes.

Okay--I've work to do! Goodnight! Or, uh--good morning!

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, January 21, 2016

January 21st, 2016 Tweets Only

January 21st, 2016 Tweets Only

Tweets only tonight. It's story time.

photo Noah Story Time_zpslh5qlepz.jpg

My Tweets Today:
































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, January 20, 2016

January 20th, 2016 Emotional Excursion

January 20th, 2016 Emotional Excursion

It was a day where I really needed to pull it together and make it through. I wasn't feeling 100%, but 50% needed to work. I'm taking the steroid pack as prescribed. The idea was that I would feel better as the day progressed, so I pulled it together.

A good friend and adviser suggested I take another day to rest. And although that might have been a great thing, there was too much on the schedule today. Like an athlete playing with a slight injury, I faced the day.

I had two high profile interviews scheduled for my radio show. One with a US Senator and another with an author of a book with historical significance to this area. Plus, it was weigh day, Plus I was scheduled to speak on behalf of the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Program at the noontime meeting of the local chapter of Soroptimist International.

Getting through the radio show was fine despite sounding noticeably different. It really doesn't matter how I sound at this point, especially with a temporary illness, but when what you do for a living depends so much on voice quality--when it's not feeling well, and sounds dramatically different, it seems like a really big deal. I acknowledge it's an irrational perception on my part.

Weigh day at the doctor's office was interesting. I wasn't expecting a 2.4 pound loss, but that's what the scale shows.  
photo 209 weigh day_zpsoul1mu7s.jpg
Who knows? I'm not in weight loss mode. I'm not trying to lose weight. I'm eating well, keeping my food up even while feeling sick, I've missed quite a few workouts lately and I rarely can honestly say I'm getting enough sleep--maybe on the weekends, but definitely not through the week. These things, to me, would suggest a slight uptick in weight.

But it wasn't. I'm not complaining and I feel great weight wise. I really believe this turnaround from relapse/regain, this recovery, has made dramatic repairs to my metabolism. Whatever it is--the absence of refined sugar--the inclusion of more whole foods and less processed stuff...I don't know.

It's strange because I've always described myself as someone with a slow metabolism and I truly believe that was an accurate perception for many years of my life. It really proves to me on a personal experience level that metabolism can be improved dramatically depending on what we're eating. It's been a long process getting to this place. And I've needed every bit of this process. And it continues each and every day. I'm truly blessed and immensely grateful.

My short speaking engagement featured two others, an elementary school principal and the chief of police. My part was to simply share my experiences as a young boy in the Big Brothers/Big Sisters program. My big brother was Clarke Hodson. I wrote a little about Clarke in my book. He had a dramatically positive impact on my life. My experience in that program was powerful and desperately needed during a very formative time in my childhood.

I've never stood in front of a room full of people speaking exclusively about the experience and its impact on my life. I didn't really prepare a speech, it was only 10 minutes or so--but I did structure it on the fly, opening with humor, getting some laughs and then diving into a super scoped version of the story with a few highlights along the way. I wasn't sure what would happen.

Unexpectedly, it flowed from my heart easily, interrupted by emotional turbulence I simply couldn't stop. As I explored what Big Brothers/Big Sisters and Clarke meant to me, I fought back tears, trying desperately to stay on point. A few in the room were moved to tears--and that only made it more difficult to hold it together.

As I neared the end of my short presentation, I spoke of how Clarke and I stayed in occasional contact over the years. I spoke of how special it was to give Clarke a copy of my book. And then, I mentioned his untimely passing two years ago and how it was at his funeral where I discovered I had made a positive impact on him, just as he did for me. I gathered this from his family's insistence that I be a part of the family room gathering and sit up front, with them during the service. I was told that Clarke spoke of me as glowingly as I speak of him.

I'm so glad this program is set to start in this area. I hope and pray it positively impacts kids around here as much as it did me. It changed my life for the better, without question.

Exposing emotion and allowing those vulnerable feelings to be felt is quite the experience. On the way back to the studio, I grabbed a venti dark roast pour over with three tablespoons half & half. I enjoyed its warmth as I recovered from this emotional excursion.

I made it home this afternoon a little later than planned. I prepared a nice lunch, enjoyed it--finished a couple of things online, took some more medication and laid down.

I'm feeling well tonight. The additional rest I've made important the last few days coupled with this prescribed steroid pack has tilted my regular sleep schedule--but it's okay and it's temporary. I'm taking good care.  
  
My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, January 19, 2016

January 19th, 2016 Didn't Do Too Much More

January 19th, 2016 Didn't Do Too Much More

This bug has really been a mess. It kept me home this morning. The doctor's visit this morning didn't find any flu, only flu like symptoms, so a steroid pack later and some OTC recommendations, I should be getting much better, quickly.

I plan on returning to work tomorrow morning.

I did get quite a bit of rest today. And that's good. Although this extra rest is making it difficult to get tired tonight.

I maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, I remained abstinent from refined sugar and I consumed 64 ounces water. I didn't do too much more, today. And that's okay.

My Tweets Today:






























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, January 18, 2016

January 18th, 2016 Help Speed Things Along

January 18th, 2016 Help Speed Things Along

I started feeling sick last night. I decided it was just a cold and made my way to work this morning. I sounded noticeably affected on the air, but it wasn't too bad. It started changing mid-morning with nausea and a feverish feeling. I left work early, still convinced this was just a bad cold, and it might be just that-- I suppose.

I kept my food up and it's all stayed down, so that's a good thing. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow morning at 10am.

The pillow is calling. I think more rest is in order and hopefully tomorrow's doc visit will provide a prescription of some sort to help speed things along.

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Sunday, January 17, 2016

January 17th, 2016 What Flipped The Switch?

January 17th, 2016 What Flipped The Switch?

What flipped the switch, starting your turnaround from relapse/regain? 

This question has come up several times in different ways. I wish it was as simple as flipping a switch, it isn't, of course. But once a few things have been cleared away and a foundation on which to move forward has been established, it certainly can feel like a switch was flipped.

How did this turnaround start? First of all, I had support from several, including Life Coach Gerri, who kept checking on me, encouraging me--pretty much knowing where I was, but also knowing I was resistant to her and most everyone who attempted to reach me during those times. I do credit Gerri's and other's never giving up on me for helping me not give up on me.

The day it started wasn't the first time I referred to surrender. I had a few surrender moments before one finally brought me down to an "on my knees" kind of humbling.

I weighed and discovered I was six pounds away from four hundred pounds, again. And I got super scared. And I realized that if I allowed it to go past four hundred, I'd be back at five hundred pounds quickly. It was a point of surrender. It was like-okay, I need help really bad.

I had been flip flopping for a few months prior to really coming to terms. I'd do well for a few days- then off the rails for a week. Then well for a few days and so on and so on.

It took an incredible amount of strength to admit where I was.

It was a tortuous thing I was doing to myself. So much guilt, so much shame.

Embarrassment... Feeling unworthy... And opening emails from people who didn't know of this-- maybe they just bought my book or something-- and the wave of guilt-- because I was so much in hiding.

The first thing I had to do was find a way to forgive myself. I had to accept and be okay with me and what had transpired the previous 18 months.

That's very tough to do. But without that first thing, I couldn't gain any traction toward any positive momentum because I was too busy crushing myself with the weight of guilt/shame/embarrassment/hiding/feeling like a failure and feeling like I had let everyone down, from family to friends to strangers that found inspiration in my sharing.

Truly realizing that I was okay. That I was human. That this wasn't something to be ashamed of-- and realizing that all of the negative stuff were things I was imposing on me-- it didn't come from anywhere else except my own head-- and then forgiving myself and allowing that weight I was choosing to carry, lift...enabled me to put together a plan for recovery.

Starting with a foundation of forgiveness and a generous amount of compassion, I was thankfully, by the grace of God, able to develop a recovery plan built on accountability, support and a code of self-honesty that made everything very real.

One hundred eighty three pounds later and two hundred ninety three pounds from my heaviest, I'm in a maintenance mode where the biggest definition of "maintenance" is maintaining the fundamental elements of my recovery each day, one day at a time. 

photo Noah Play Time2_zpsfwico48y.jpg
After a difficult Friday, this weekend has been all about rest and relaxation. I worked out well Friday and Saturday, then decided to make today a rest day. I spent time playing with Noah this evening. He's such a joy! Look at that expression! I love him so much. 

My Noah playtime visit was a wonderful way to wrap up today.

My Tweets Today:


























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Saturday, January 16, 2016

January 16th, 2016 Surprisingly Fragile

January 16th, 2016 Surprisingly Fragile

Today was a day of rest and relaxation. I didn't sleep in as long as I planned, but I did take an early afternoon nap. I kept my workout plans this evening before having a nice dinner out with my oldest daughter, Amber.

I sincerely appreciate the feedback in support of last night's post. After the energy yesterday required, I took a nicely measured approach to everything today. I made a few support contacts and took extra time preparing breakfast and lunch. I scaled back my workout plans to 30 minutes of cardio. Amber didn't mind me picking the restaurant, so I picked a familiar favorite with my sour cream chicken tacos. I feel like I can navigate almost any menu in one way or another, but I didn't feel like exerting the energy it might require to pick something different. Familiar was just what I needed today. 

Mostly, I was immensely grateful today. Because it's challenging days where we discover it's truly all on the line. All of it. And all of the confidence that builds with our success and consistency is revealed to be surprisingly fragile.

When we make it through by doing the things we must--and we get to the next day intact, it's like...whoa, that was close.  

I believe days like that are very important to experience because they quickly expose the reality of life's natural ups and downs. Life is going to happen. And no matter what we do, it's not always going to be easy. If what we're doing each day is what we hope and pray we'll be doing for the rest of our lives--then we must prepare ourselves to ride the waves. 

I don't want to give it all back. I don't want to sacrifice the freedom I enjoy each and every day at this maintenance weight. And as long as I maintain the integrity of my recovery plan, I feel like I have the best chance. Never guaranteed, but the best chance.

I'm going to bed unusually early for me on a Saturday night. It's been a good day.

My Tweets Today:


































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Friday, January 15, 2016

January 15th, 2016 Something We Practice

January 15th, 2016 Something We Practice

Today was difficult. I don't plan on this being too long of a post. The topics I've wanted to explore a little deeper will wait another day. But I realize, if I do a tweets only post, you're only getting half the story of that day. And not even half, really. 

The live-Tweet feed shows the food/water/exercise of my fundamental elements stream, but it doesn't show the most important parts of the fundamental elements. It doesn't show the short meditation or the prayer and it doesn't show the support call and support text messages that play an important role always, especially on a day like today.

My life stream was giving me its best today. And by best, I mean not so good sides. I was challenged with high stress in a few different areas. When the stress level goes up, I get emotional--add being tired to the mix, and it makes for a very unpleasant experience. Instability was at every turn today.

And I know food doesn't fix these things. It can't. That's not food's job. But those thoughts creep into my head just like always. I know it's critical when I start assessing the potential damage of an all out crash and burn. 

Isn't that interesting? Even though it's not a feeling, it's indeed a fact that crashing and burning, landing face first in a binge, wouldn't solve or make better one single thing...and further--even though I'm experienced enough along this road to know full well that not only is excess food incapable of helping me--only distracting me, it actually will do the opposite of help. And the depth of damage mentally and emotionally--not to mention bio-chemically, is potentially staggering. I still flirt with those thoughts. Maybe interesting isn't the word. More like scary or sobering. If you think this is a flare of over-dramatics, think about this...

My 164 pound regain started with a single binge. 

I've said it time and time again--and I will write it time and time again, none of us--not me, not you--not a single one of us is immune from relapse/regain. Not a single one of us ever has this "figured out." This isn't something "we got." 

It is only something we practice.

In this application, practice doesn't make perfect. I don't believe in perfect. I've often said, striving for perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment. It's a practice that elevates awareness each day. Our awareness can give us pause in critical situations. And in that pause we decide which way to turn.

I was looking the other way for a few. Yeah--I remember those streets of carelessness. And sometimes the most attractive thing isn't the food, it's the carelessness--it's the allure of "I don't care anymore." But I know I do care. And really, if you're caving to that allure, make darn sure you really don't care, or the mental and emotional consequences are super rough. I do care. A lot.

I turned in the right direction today. Thank God. 

I interspersed my crazy busy-stressful day with support texts and a support call. I grabbed a late afternoon nap because I needed to close my eyes and relax. I woke up and immediately was faced with another stressful situation...as if it were waiting at the foot of my bed, patiently, for me to wake--so it could pounce. I fought back with good support, some deep breaths--good coffee, and really immersing myself in the preparation of a great meal. I followed that up with a wonderful workout and a late night grocery run for some fantastic on-sale produce items.

I thought about another fast Tweets-Only post tonight. But, I can sleep in as late as I need in the morning, and a Tweets-Only post, although occasionally necessary for time and rest considerations, doesn't really tell the tale of the day very well. It is indicative of the outcome, but it fails to mention the challenges faced, met and handled, that helped make another day a successful day.

And that's all I want, just one more day of maintaining. I don't mean maintaining my weight. One more day of maintaining the balance and separation between my life stream and my fundamental elements stream. One more day of honoring my commitments and maintaining the integrity of my food plan. Because if I maintain those things, the weight loss maintenance will continue to take care of itself. I am not a servant to the scale, I'm a servant of my recovery.

My Tweets Today:




































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, January 14, 2016

January 14th, 2016 Tweets Only

January 14th, 2016 Tweets Only

Opting for a Tweets Only tonight and looking forward to writing more tomorrow night. There's some things I want to write about but if I get started, I'll be up too late.

Choosing more rest.

Throwback Thursday before/current pictures:
photo Picture064.jpg
photo studioselfie_zpswbybd24d.jpg

My Tweets Today:




























Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 1 comment:

Wednesday, January 13, 2016

January 13th, 2016 Repeating The Same Patterns

January 13th, 2016 Repeating The Same Patterns

My maintenance mode plan involves daily goals. I've discussed these in detail recently, so I won't list them all again tonight. These goals include certain elements I deem "Non-Negotiable." I would need to explore my psyche a little deeper to dissect why certain things get the non-negotiable status and others, like exercise and enough sleep, often don't.

My daily goals were set this morning and included being in bed not a minute later than 10pm. I hit every single one of my other goals square--bulls-eye, except the sleep goal. I promised myself I wouldn't write again about my issues with getting enough sleep. I've exhausted this topic a few times and I keep repeating the same patterns. Maybe this schedule is so deeply ingrained in who I am, that any attempt to change it all at once becomes completely misaligned with my authentic self. I'm not saying change isn't possible, I mean seriously--that would be ironic coming from me. Maybe I need to explore some small changes in the direction of better sleep. A gradual evolution of sleep habits, if you will. I'll give that some serious consideration.

In an effort to salvage a somewhat decent compromise of a bedtime, I'll allow the Tweets to take it the rest of the way.

It was a fantastic day in every other way!

My Tweets Today:
































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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