What flipped the switch, starting your turnaround from relapse/regain?
This question has come up several times in different ways. I wish it was as simple as flipping a switch, it isn't, of course. But once a few things have been cleared away and a foundation on which to move forward has been established, it certainly can feel like a switch was flipped.
How did this turnaround start? First of all, I had support from several, including Life Coach Gerri, who kept checking on me, encouraging me--pretty much knowing where I was, but also knowing I was resistant to her and most everyone who attempted to reach me during those times. I do credit Gerri's and other's never giving up on me for helping me not give up on me.
The day it started wasn't the first time I referred to surrender. I had a few surrender moments before one finally brought me down to an "on my knees" kind of humbling.
I weighed and discovered I was six pounds away from four hundred pounds, again. And I got super scared. And I realized that if I allowed it to go past four hundred, I'd be back at five hundred pounds quickly. It was a point of surrender. It was like-okay, I need help really bad.
I had been flip flopping for a few months prior to really coming to terms. I'd do well for a few days- then off the rails for a week. Then well for a few days and so on and so on.
It took an incredible amount of strength to admit where I was.
It was a tortuous thing I was doing to myself. So much guilt, so much shame.
Embarrassment... Feeling unworthy... And opening emails from people who didn't know of this-- maybe they just bought my book or something-- and the wave of guilt-- because I was so much in hiding.
The first thing I had to do was find a way to forgive myself. I had to accept and be okay with me and what had transpired the previous 18 months.
That's very tough to do. But without that first thing, I couldn't gain any traction toward any positive momentum because I was too busy crushing myself with the weight of guilt/shame/embarrassment/hiding/feeling like a failure and feeling like I had let everyone down, from family to friends to strangers that found inspiration in my sharing.
Truly realizing that I was okay. That I was human. That this wasn't something to be ashamed of-- and realizing that all of the negative stuff were things I was imposing on me-- it didn't come from anywhere else except my own head-- and then forgiving myself and allowing that weight I was choosing to carry, lift...enabled me to put together a plan for recovery.
Starting with a foundation of forgiveness and a generous amount of compassion, I was thankfully, by the grace of God, able to develop a recovery plan built on accountability, support and a code of self-honesty that made everything very real.
One hundred eighty three pounds later and two hundred ninety three pounds from my heaviest, I'm in a maintenance mode where the biggest definition of "maintenance" is maintaining the fundamental elements of my recovery each day, one day at a time.
After a difficult Friday, this weekend has been all about rest and relaxation. I worked out well Friday and Saturday, then decided to make today a rest day. I spent time playing with Noah this evening. He's such a joy! Look at that expression! I love him so much.
My Noah playtime visit was a wonderful way to wrap up today.
My Tweets Today:
First cup of the day is always the best. Good coffee with two tablespoons half & half X 2 cups. 80 cal. pic.twitter.com/W0NYYlN5Bq— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 17, 2016
Breakfast in MFP. Not shown: 18g all-fruit sf strawberry spread. pic.twitter.com/ZIvxLEWn3R— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 17, 2016
2whts/1whl, 3.3oz 93% beef, 1-muenster, 1-prvln. 5.7oz apple. Ezekiel tst w/8g nat.pnut bttr & 18g all fruit. 616cal pic.twitter.com/JPMVoGWOx0— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 17, 2016
Afternoon coffee with three tablespoons half & half. 60 cal. pic.twitter.com/KTPg8kfyzt— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 17, 2016
Lunch in MFP... pic.twitter.com/CioqXdVvGt— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 17, 2016
32g nat.pnt.butter, 18g all fruit sf strwbry & 2.9oz banana on Ezekiel bread. 3.8oz pineapple, 7.6oz pear. 626 cal. pic.twitter.com/YjISVuUPL4— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 17, 2016
Cooking... Yum. pic.twitter.com/n6Glm9Mr00— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 18, 2016
Dinner in MFP... pic.twitter.com/CZAgnLQy7v— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 18, 2016
3.5oz salmon & 4oz sirloin, 259g sweet potato, green bell pepper & red onion pan prepared w/3secOOSpray. 649 cal. pic.twitter.com/Mo8zQ0vxCu— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 18, 2016
6.1oz apple with 16g natural peanut butter & 4.4oz pineapple. #lastfoodofday 252 cal. pic.twitter.com/rcIzLawJZ3— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 18, 2016
2 cup refill to hit #watergoal Didn't keep up a good water pace today. #bottomsup pic.twitter.com/G9kLMwefqs— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) January 18, 2016
Thank you for reading and your continued support,