Sunday, January 17, 2016

January 17th, 2016 What Flipped The Switch?

January 17th, 2016 What Flipped The Switch?

What flipped the switch, starting your turnaround from relapse/regain? 

This question has come up several times in different ways. I wish it was as simple as flipping a switch, it isn't, of course. But once a few things have been cleared away and a foundation on which to move forward has been established, it certainly can feel like a switch was flipped.

How did this turnaround start? First of all, I had support from several, including Life Coach Gerri, who kept checking on me, encouraging me--pretty much knowing where I was, but also knowing I was resistant to her and most everyone who attempted to reach me during those times. I do credit Gerri's and other's never giving up on me for helping me not give up on me.

The day it started wasn't the first time I referred to surrender. I had a few surrender moments before one finally brought me down to an "on my knees" kind of humbling.

I weighed and discovered I was six pounds away from four hundred pounds, again. And I got super scared. And I realized that if I allowed it to go past four hundred, I'd be back at five hundred pounds quickly. It was a point of surrender. It was like-okay, I need help really bad.

I had been flip flopping for a few months prior to really coming to terms. I'd do well for a few days- then off the rails for a week. Then well for a few days and so on and so on.

It took an incredible amount of strength to admit where I was.

It was a tortuous thing I was doing to myself. So much guilt, so much shame.

Embarrassment... Feeling unworthy... And opening emails from people who didn't know of this-- maybe they just bought my book or something-- and the wave of guilt-- because I was so much in hiding.

The first thing I had to do was find a way to forgive myself. I had to accept and be okay with me and what had transpired the previous 18 months.

That's very tough to do. But without that first thing, I couldn't gain any traction toward any positive momentum because I was too busy crushing myself with the weight of guilt/shame/embarrassment/hiding/feeling like a failure and feeling like I had let everyone down, from family to friends to strangers that found inspiration in my sharing.

Truly realizing that I was okay. That I was human. That this wasn't something to be ashamed of-- and realizing that all of the negative stuff were things I was imposing on me-- it didn't come from anywhere else except my own head-- and then forgiving myself and allowing that weight I was choosing to carry, lift...enabled me to put together a plan for recovery.

Starting with a foundation of forgiveness and a generous amount of compassion, I was thankfully, by the grace of God, able to develop a recovery plan built on accountability, support and a code of self-honesty that made everything very real.

One hundred eighty three pounds later and two hundred ninety three pounds from my heaviest, I'm in a maintenance mode where the biggest definition of "maintenance" is maintaining the fundamental elements of my recovery each day, one day at a time. 

 photo Noah Play Time2_zpsfwico48y.jpg
After a difficult Friday, this weekend has been all about rest and relaxation. I worked out well Friday and Saturday, then decided to make today a rest day. I spent time playing with Noah this evening. He's such a joy! Look at that expression! I love him so much. 

My Noah playtime visit was a wonderful way to wrap up today.

My Tweets Today:

Thank you for reading and your continued support,


  1. I think that's the best picture of you and your grandson. He is so beautiful and I can tell by your pictures how much you two love one another. Congrats, on your weight loss and now maintance. I hope there will come a day that I can achieve weight loss and maintance instead of always gaining it back. Thanks for your blog and for being honest.

  2. No real plan, water most of the time, wine when I feel like it, guessing at calories, this plan, not working! I need to surrender.


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