Friday, January 15, 2016

January 15th, 2016 Something We Practice

January 15th, 2016 Something We Practice

Today was difficult. I don't plan on this being too long of a post. The topics I've wanted to explore a little deeper will wait another day. But I realize, if I do a tweets only post, you're only getting half the story of that day. And not even half, really. 

The live-Tweet feed shows the food/water/exercise of my fundamental elements stream, but it doesn't show the most important parts of the fundamental elements. It doesn't show the short meditation or the prayer and it doesn't show the support call and support text messages that play an important role always, especially on a day like today.

My life stream was giving me its best today. And by best, I mean not so good sides. I was challenged with high stress in a few different areas. When the stress level goes up, I get emotional--add being tired to the mix, and it makes for a very unpleasant experience. Instability was at every turn today.

And I know food doesn't fix these things. It can't. That's not food's job. But those thoughts creep into my head just like always. I know it's critical when I start assessing the potential damage of an all out crash and burn. 

Isn't that interesting? Even though it's not a feeling, it's indeed a fact that crashing and burning, landing face first in a binge, wouldn't solve or make better one single thing...and further--even though I'm experienced enough along this road to know full well that not only is excess food incapable of helping me--only distracting me, it actually will do the opposite of help. And the depth of damage mentally and emotionally--not to mention bio-chemically, is potentially staggering. I still flirt with those thoughts. Maybe interesting isn't the word. More like scary or sobering. If you think this is a flare of over-dramatics, think about this...

My 164 pound regain started with a single binge. 

I've said it time and time again--and I will write it time and time again, none of us--not me, not you--not a single one of us is immune from relapse/regain. Not a single one of us ever has this "figured out." This isn't something "we got." 

It is only something we practice.

In this application, practice doesn't make perfect. I don't believe in perfect. I've often said, striving for perfection is the quickest detour to disappointment. It's a practice that elevates awareness each day. Our awareness can give us pause in critical situations. And in that pause we decide which way to turn.

I was looking the other way for a few. Yeah--I remember those streets of carelessness. And sometimes the most attractive thing isn't the food, it's the carelessness--it's the allure of "I don't care anymore." But I know I do care. And really, if you're caving to that allure, make darn sure you really don't care, or the mental and emotional consequences are super rough. I do care. A lot.

I turned in the right direction today. Thank God. 

I interspersed my crazy busy-stressful day with support texts and a support call. I grabbed a late afternoon nap because I needed to close my eyes and relax. I woke up and immediately was faced with another stressful situation...as if it were waiting at the foot of my bed, patiently, for me to wake--so it could pounce. I fought back with good support, some deep breaths--good coffee, and really immersing myself in the preparation of a great meal. I followed that up with a wonderful workout and a late night grocery run for some fantastic on-sale produce items.

I thought about another fast Tweets-Only post tonight. But, I can sleep in as late as I need in the morning, and a Tweets-Only post, although occasionally necessary for time and rest considerations, doesn't really tell the tale of the day very well. It is indicative of the outcome, but it fails to mention the challenges faced, met and handled, that helped make another day a successful day.

And that's all I want, just one more day of maintaining. I don't mean maintaining my weight. One more day of maintaining the balance and separation between my life stream and my fundamental elements stream. One more day of honoring my commitments and maintaining the integrity of my food plan. Because if I maintain those things, the weight loss maintenance will continue to take care of itself. I am not a servant to the scale, I'm a servant of my recovery.

My Tweets Today:




































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

11 comments:

  1. You so honor us, but I think more importantly yourself, by all you share here. You remind us all of our fundamental humanity and how precious that is. Thank you.

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  2. Of all the posts I've read of yours, this one resonates the most. Got me right in the heart. I don't often ponder much after I've read something but this one I will.

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  3. Glad you are blogging about this. It's important to note that even in 5+ years of food sobriety, I still get flashes of the disease that rear up, unexpected, unplanned.

    Glad you stayed food sober another day, another meal. Onward. So worth it!!

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  4. "This isn't something 'we got.' It is only something we practice." So very true...and life changing because it shows CHOICE. And if it's a choice it can be changed. I know I try to blame my life-long struggle with overeating on all sorts of external triggers. But the truth is: I choose to turn to food, which only, really, adds to the problem. Thank you for your sage observations.

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  5. "This isn't something 'we got.' It is only something we practice." So very true...and life changing because it shows CHOICE. And if it's a choice it can be changed. I know I try to blame my life-long struggle with overeating on all sorts of external triggers. But the truth is: I choose to turn to food, which only, really, adds to the problem. Thank you for your sage observations.

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  6. Amen! ONE of the Very BEST Posts by you by far, Sean!! Thank you. I don't write a lot anymore, but I do still read and take it all in daily... thanks for just being you and letting us know.... we are all just humans.

    Rosie

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  7. ...and yet, not one of those support texts/phone calls was to me, your "friend." In fact, I seem to have fallen off the earth. The days pass. I check my phone for the millionth time. People ask, "Did you hear from Sean today?" It's difficult not to take it personally. I spend so much time ruminating over what I might have said to cause the silence. I do say some idiotic things sometimes. Even writing this is probably ill-advised. I'm forced to check in with your blog to get updates, to see what's going on in your life... Another bad day without a word to me. I'm sorry that I didn't do enough to make you believe that I care. I do care. After all, I am your friend.

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  8. Great post Sean. Thanks for describing how you dealt with the challenges you faced. Life is always full of those bumps in the road; glad you didn't turn away from them.

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  9. This is such an important post. For all of us. Thank you for sharing it and putting it out there.

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  10. Well put Sean! Just what I needed today. My stress level is high. Thanks for putting into words that we all on this path of recovery can relate to and appreciate. Thanks again- Patti

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  11. When will I ever learn from your post? All fundamentals! Did good all week then emotions arise on Friday evening and I cave.This happens over and over. Can't seem to get a grasp on it.

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