Thursday, August 6, 2015

August 6th, 2015 I Need To See Me As I Am

August 6th, 2015 I Need To See Me As I Am

I sincerely appreciate each and every comment on yesterday's weigh-day update post. If you know me well, you know I enjoy replying in depth, answering questions thoroughly and exploring the exchange of thoughts. There's so much I want to write about concerning yesterday's post. But I can't tonight. I'm looking forward to having the time tomorrow night, since I get to sleep in as long as I want on Saturday morning. I have some thoughts!

I did raise my calorie budget to 2,000 today, bulking up my meals and making sure to get a good workout tonight at the YMCA. Fitbit is insisting my total calories burned today exceeded 700--take that against my 1,999 calories---and clearly, that's ripe for weight loss.

Upon completing my entry for today in MFP, it reminded me that "if every day were like today, you'll weigh 205lbs in five weeks." NO--that wouldn't be good.

What an interesting problem to have.

I eat well. I eat what feels like a very good amount of food. Making myself eat more than 2000 calories or so, seems counter-intuitive. Then there's the food addict in recovery dynamic. And this dynamic challenges me when faced with the need to eat more when it already feels like I'm eating plenty. Anyway--I promised myself more sleep tonight and I can clearly see where I could write about this topic for two hours if I keep going.

Every night I hit the pillow, I'm grateful. I'm grateful for where I am physically, mentally and emotionally. I'm grateful that I've made it through another day with 100% food sobriety (no binge eating and continued abstinence from refined sugar). In order to eat more--especially with increased focus on physical fitness, I must work through the idea that eating more because my body needs it, doesn't equal a binge, ever. I suppose the question I must ask myself: Am I eating for my body or for my head? 

Anyway-- more on all of this tomorrow.

Chris's suggestion of 100 pictures this week--without any explanation of why, was interesting--and I think I understand why. Chris, I'll work on that this week. Sometimes, even now--and even though I haven't been a 500 pound man in over 6 years, it's difficult to fully recognize the dramatic transformation. Oh sure, I'm well aware of the differences---of course...But it's a challenge to fully acknowledge the current physical condition. I need to see me as I am. And this, in my opinion, is key in helping me shift my perspective enough to become better suited for the challenges of maintenance mode.

 photo 52503214.jpg
#TBT I was over 500 pounds in this photo with painful sciatica nerve pain going on. Driving the cart--with my daughter snapping the photo (in the feminine products isle, of all places) as I tried to explain to every one passing by how the pain was forcing me to drive the cart. Fond memory, because even though I was hurting horribly--my daughters and I couldn't keep from having a good time together.

I look forward to having more time tomorrow night for writing and interacting. Thank you for your support. Goodnight!

My Tweets Today:

Thank you for reading and your continued support,


  1. Sean, Your "diet" meals always look so much tastier than mine ever did. Since you only eat what you like and you're eating more or less as much as you like, I don't think you should make too many changes during maintenance. Maybe you can adjust calories up by eating "non-diet" versions of your meals, i.e., more whole eggs instead of egg whites, real olive oil and butter instead of sprays, etc. I'm sure you will figure out what you need to do and, if not, us busybodies will tell you. Eileen

    1. Eileen--this is solid advice, thank you. I agree... more whole eggs, I bought real butter the other day (I've yet to use it--or the natural peanut butter--but both will help boost the calories). You're right--I'm eating what I like and what seems like plenty. I'm absolutely not starving myself, clearly. I'm very fortunate. I believe my metabolism is running very well...and since I put 95% whole-unprocessed stuff in my body, the breakdown is easier for the body to handle. There's no guesswork for my metabolism, it knows what to do with what I'm giving it.
      It's really difficult to imagine eating too much more--so this advice, to me, is spot on... some subtle changes, some increased calories...and I'll find the balance. I'll be okay!

  2. I like Eileen's suggestions. Whole eggs are good and butter is so much better than the fake stuff I used to eat. It takes time to regulate, but nobody stays at a set weight day after day.

    I sometimes look at my weight report on MFP for the 90 and 180 days and it goes up and down constantly. I try to stay within a three or four pound range because even a five pound gain will make my clothes uncomfortable. That's one of the problems with being very short. :)

    1. Caron, I agree--the MFP weight "warning" or "projection," as it is...I don't think is always accurate. I feel like I'm in a very fortunate position. I'm not stopping the tracking--so, I'll be able to find a groove that fits and keeps me within a good range. I appreciate you, Caron. You're living it, everyday--this whole maintenance thing... I appreciate your advice!

  3. I agree with the other Eileen. More good fats, not spray. Great job!

    1. Thank you, Eileen! I love what she wrote, too.

  4. Ditto Eileen, good suggestions. I think I understand about how we see ourselves, I have kind of the opposite problem in that I still see myself as slimmer and more ‘normal’ and then I am shocked when I, for instance, see a photo of myself. Mind you, I still thought I was too fat even when I wasn’t so there is that, too. But I think you are right, seeing yourself as you ARE is crucial for successful maintenance. I can certainly sense that something is different for you this time round, you are aware of the inner changes that need to happen to reflect the outer changes :)

    1. Kerstin-- excellent point. When I was at my heaviest--and even at the top of regain/relapse, I never saw myself as that big. It was always a shock to see a picture of the truth--because my brain always computed something smaller in appearance.
      And now, it's the opposite... It takes seeing pictures of me now for my brain to go, " I really that small??"
      I agree with Eileen's suggestions above, too.
      Kerstin, things are very different this time around. There is a peace within me about so many things that I didn't have/feel before. When you add this greater and deeper inner awareness to the increased importance level (holding the elements of my recovery sacred regardless of my current weight), it's a powerful combination.
      I'm not foolish enough to say "I'm never going back," because I said that before. Instead I say, "I hope and pray I never do--and if I continue to give what I do the highest importance level, I have the best chance at continued recovery into maintenance."

  5. I agree it's hard to see ourselves as we really are. Like Kerstin, I often see myself as "slimmer and more 'normal'" and am shocked by photos, while at the same time imagining I'm much huger than everyone else. Crazy trying to resolve that dichotomy! I wonder how many other people, with weight struggles or not, sometimes feel that way?

    Lately I'm starting to get better at focusing daily on hitting my plan, and trusting that better health and weight will come. So far I'm down 12 pounds in 6 weeks, a pretty good start. I'm trying to stay day to day instead of getting daunted by the 88 pounds to go!

    1. Oh, SLM-- I think the majority of those who struggle like us, relate to exactly what you're describing here. I know I do.
      Your focus is spot on, SLM. Keeping the focus reeled in and on your fundamental elements each day, will pay moving forward. 12 pounds in 6 weeks is fantastic!!! Excellent start, indeed!!!! 88 more, no worries! People often say "keep your eye on the prize!" And that's fine. But I've discovered it's very important to properly define the "prize."
      For me, it isn't a number--although it once was. For me, I get the prize when I have another day of taking extraordinary care. I want one more day where I hit the pillow knowing, without a shred of doubt, that I did my best and maintained the integrity of the plan I've developed for me.
      You're on your way, SLM. I'm cheering you on all the way!!!

  6. Indeed Sean, I also like Eileen's suggestions on changing the food to more nutrient dense. There's a lot of great natural fat in eggs, coconut oil, real butter (if you can tolerate dairy), avocados/guacamole.

    When I need to increase my calories I do things like chicken livers, avocado slices, olive oil for salad dressing etc. Very nutrient dense, but not empty calories.

    Also, I find calorie burn numbers to be absolute bunk for me. But I do have patterns and macro amounts and movement amounts that work better for me than others.

    You are smart in taking it slow, adjusting and making small changes. Good stuff.

    1. Karen, thank you. I agree with Eileen, too. I look forward to making these small changes moving forward. My number one focus is to maintain the elements of my recovery--the integrity of my personal plan, each day. Making these additions will absolutely help me get the calories and nutrition I need while still maintaining that integrity.
      You're in maintenance and have been awhile-- so I bet you'll understand this: Psychologically, it's difficult for me to eat more than I do--because I'm already eating well--I don't want for anything, I'm not deprived--and I'm certainly not starving myself... and the idea of eating more feels like too if I'm flirting with excess, even if I'm not--and even if it's what my body needs.
      Bottom line--like you stated... taking it slow, making small adjustments and staying connected with my elements of recovery.
      It'll work out. Thank you, Karen!


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