Friday, November 7, 2008

Day 53 Childhood Bullies and Me

Day 53

Childhood Bullies and Me

I've always had an internal “hope mechanism” that automatically kicks in when I need it most. I first noticed it when I was eight or nine years old. I was always picked on, made fun of, and bullied in elementary school. I was targeted because of my weight, and I now know that it continued because I allowed it. I never stood up to the bullies, I just tried to avoid them. When the bullying became too much to handle I would pretend to be sick and stay home. I missed so much school in elementary it's a wonder I made it through without being held back. I drove my mom nuts with the constant excuses and flat-out refusal to go to school. I gave her so much trouble! At home I felt safe. I was surrounded by love and acceptance. At school I felt intimidated and different. My two biggest bullies were Edwin and Frankie. They knew exactly how to intimidate. They loved the way that they could control me in every way. Edwin would extort pop and food from me in exchange for “protection” from him! Frankie use to show up at my home and demand that I come out side so he could beat me up. I remember one time Frankie showed up at the door and quietly demanded me to come outside. I told him that I was grounded. When my mom heard this she said...”Sean, you're not grounded, go out and play.” My mom didn't know how bad it was because I didn't tell her until much later. When I eventually told her how bad things were, she took me directly to Mr. McEwan's office. Mr. McEwan was the principal, and after mom and I explained all that I was going through he asked me a very important question. “Sean, why don't you fight back?” My reply: “Because I don't want to get suspended.” And that was true to a point, but I also didn't mention that I was terrified of fighting. More specifically, I was terrified of losing a fight. I remember thinking “What if I become defenseless on the ground and they beat me to death?” Mr. McEwan immediately erased the reason I gave by giving me 100% approval to attack the next time I was bullied. He told me that he would look the other way. He was a very smart man. He knew that if I stood up for myself just once, if I threw just one punch, I'd never get picked on again. He wasn't advocating violence, he was encouraging me to demand respect and stand up for myself just once. But even then I was always too afraid to fight. I never did punch Edwin or Frankie. When I had missed too much school and I was at the limit, and I had to go no matter what, I would make the walk to school with fear in my heart. But I remember thinking to myself “No matter what happens today, at 3:30 I'm going to be back home safe and sound eating an after school snack and watching TV.” It was my internal “hope mechanism”. I still use that same thought process as an adult. If I'm facing something really stressful, I always remind myself, “hey, it's not going to kill me, I'll make it through, and everything will be alright.” My mom took me to a professional counselor back then, and after one visit they told her that I was going to be just fine because I was a “survivor.” As I grew older and got into junior high the bullying stopped. I became the class clown, and as long as everybody was laughing, then nobody was picking on me. But really, I was picking on me! As I try to better understand the reasons and behaviors that put me over 500 pounds to begin with, I've come up with some pretty deep thoughts about it all. Stay with me here....As an adult I became the bully and the bullied. The abuse I've inflicted on my body has gone uncontested for over twenty years. Just like I never stood up for myself against Edwin and Frankie, I didn't stand up for myself against myself for over twenty years. You've heard the phrase “I am my own worst enemy”, well this is what I'm talking about! And standing up for yourself against yourself is sometimes a very difficult thing to completely understand, let alone accomplish. I'm finally doing what Mr. McEwan wanted me to do, I'm demanding respect, self-respect that is, and I'm standing up to the one person who has done the most damage to me...and that's me. To stay on this journey rock solid for 53 days I've had to battle myself daily. But I knew that I was at my limit, I couldn't keep getting bigger, and that no matter what, I have the love and support of my family and friends, and with that loving support and hope the worst days are really not that bad. I was never a fighter, and to this day I've never thrown a punch at any person, but I'm still a fighter, because I'm “punching” down the excuses and walls that have held me back so long. By the way Edwin and Frankie are both in prison now. The same prison! I kid you not! I'll try to put their mugshots at the bottom of this page. I sometimes think it would be tremendous therapy for me to take a trip to the Lawton Correctional Center where they live and visit them both at the same time. I have no idea what I would say to them or how exactly that would go, but it would be a tremendous positive thing for me. And maybe for them too. I'm putting that on my list of things to do when I reach my goal. Getting to know myself completely really helps me understand people like Edwin and Frankie a little better. Gaining control and taking responsibility over your own self-destructive tendencies can save yourself from yourself. Unfortunately for Edwin and Frankie they never gained control and it cost them their freedom. For me, gaining control over myself was and is all about gaining freedom, gaining life, and making the kind of decisions everyday that will make me a stronger healthier man, a better role model for my amazing kids, and a better husband to my wonderful wife.

We had a fantastic workout tonight at the YMCA. As it gets easier to workout the workouts get harder. Does that make sense? You know what I mean! “Harder” isn't the right word...”better”, yeah...they get much better. Day 53 is down, and Day 54 is fast approaching and it's a Friday! We love Fridays!!! Have a great one. Thank you for reading and as always, Good night and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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Edwin

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Frankie

3 comments:

  1. Thanks for reminding us (on day 275) of this awesome post. Really incredible. I am a survivor too, but what I want to learn is how to live--not survive. I am tired of surviving.

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  2. I would call their living arrangements Karma, and call you brilliant. You are figuring out the root of your problem, not masking it with fad diets & bogus plans. Way to go!

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  3. I have always been my biggest bully. I finally won the battle starting on April 1, 2010. You are so right! I had bullies too when I was a kid. One girl would always say mean things to me. I was in Catholic school throughout my childhood. When this one constant antagonist used to make fun of me I would tell her to shut up. One day she also said that I had an "old mother". Well that was the last straw. I pushed her and she fell down and her uniform dress went up and her flower underwear showed and everyone saw. She cried. And she never made cun of me or my Mom again. LOL I'm glad your bullies are in jail. They have alot of time on their hands. I hope they remember what they did to you and see how what they did as children was just the beginning of the end of their freedom and they are paying for all the bad things they have done in their lives. Karma.


    Fun

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