Monday, November 24, 2008

Day 71 Too Much Food and A New Attitude


Too Much Food and A New Attitude

I guess I've been too busy lately to notice that tomorrow is weigh day! I've tried really hard to not set a number in my head, it honestly disappointed me last time. I'm working hard on this and I'm impatient sometimes. I want it all off now! But I know that's not how it works. Slow and steady gets it done. One day at a time is all we can do, and as long as we know that we are doing everything we can do, giving 100%, then we will arrive at our goals one by one. I'm excited to have Amber home tomorrow night for the Thanksgiving Holiday! Amber and KL are coming and they will be here when we return from our bi-weekly weigh-in trip.

I talked to my mom tonight. Her and Aunt Kelli were at the store buying several items for the feast. Since Irene and I get Turkeys from our jobs, we'll bring them, plus a ham. I think we'll have wayyyy too much food, but maybe it can be processed into leftovers for the next three months. We'll have eight to ten people at my mom's house and: Two turkeys, a ham, 24 rolls, two pecan pies, two pumpkin pies, a big pot of mashed potatoes, another big pot of stuffing, cranberry sauce, sweet potatoes, green beans with cheese, and who knows what else! We certainly must give thanks for our many blessings, we've never known a day without food. I feel kind of guilty preparing a feast like this for so few people. I guess as long as we feed off the leftovers in the coming days, I won't feel so bad. Then after our 5K walk on Thanksgiving we're heading back home for another feast at my sister and brother in-laws. I'm really going to have to pace myself. I know I'm adding 1000 calories to my 1500, but still I need to come up with a plan on how to navigate two dinners in one day and stay within my 2500. I'm really not that worried about it, I'll be fine.

Irene pointed out that I wasn't really honest the other day when I said that the mean/rude guy in Wal-Mart the other day only bothered me for about an hour. I was talking about the incident again yesterday, when she commented that I still wasn't really over it. She's right, I guess I'm not. I'm an extremely sensitive person, and that guy really hurt my feelings. I don't want to sound like a big baby here, but I've let it bother me way more than I ever should have. That guy obviously has some serious issues of his own, to lash out at a total stranger like that, I'm really focusing too much on this huh? OK, so maybe when I said that it only bothered me for an hour, maybe it was because I knew that even an hour was about 59 and a half minutes too long to let it bother me. New paragraph!

I've never been comfortable playing the role of the fat guy. Even at over 500 pounds, I don't think I ever saw myself as a big giant out of control fat guy. I was, but my mind wouldn't let me accept that image. Because after all, I've always heard “You carry it well” and “You don't really look your weight” or “I would have never guessed you weighed that much.” These were all things that I loved to hear, because it would encourage this false image I had of what I was. It wasn't until I started worrying for my life that I really started to admit being my true self with all of my faults and addictions. It wasn't until I saw the very tired look in Irene's eyes when the subject of my weight would come up. I would never want her to lose faith in me, but I'm afraid I pushed her real close to accepting some grim eventual realities. My eyes were opened by these things, then a giant pale of water was thrown in my face when a medical doctor told me that I could collapse at anytime, and it wouldn't surprise anyone in that doctors office one bit. It took me a while even after all that to really get my mind in the place it needed to be, but I'm here now, and it feels real good. Come Thursday I'll give thanks for many things, mainly thanks for the strength I've been blessed with to fully see what I had been ignoring for so long. I'll give thanks for all the second chances I've been given. And I'll give thanks for all the loving support that surrounds me everyday.

I'll send out another weigh day mass text tomorrow (Tuesday) afternoon after 5pm. If you're not on the list, but would like the update, just send me a private message with your cell phone number. If you've received the update before, then you're on the list already. I know I've said it many times, but allow me to say it again, I sincerely appreciate you reading this blog everyday. Your support makes this journey so much easier. This evening we worked out at the Y after Courtney was finished with her duties at the radio station. I had 350 calories left, so I grabbed a soft serve vanilla cone, and I've snacked on a 110 calorie bag of Funyuns while writing. Sometimes it really doesn't seem like I'm on a “diet”, and I guess I'm not really, I'm on a complete lifestyle transformation. That sounds much better. Good night and...

Good Choices,

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