Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Day 183 Separating Emotions From Actions and Weight Training Class Is In Session!

Day 183

Separating Emotions From Actions and Weight Training Class Is In Session!

I'm feeling very upbeat these days. It seems no matter what is thrown my way, it doesn't shake my resolve to become what I desire and arrive exactly where I'm headed. That's a key difference between this journey and past attempts. In the past I would allow the slightest tilt of my “comfort zone” to throw me completely off track. It's a nice place to be. Basically, it's like I've finally figured out how to separate my emotions from my actions. I always permitted my emotions to completely control me. Turning to food for comfort was always the easiest thing. Often times, Ok, more like every time something didn't go like I wanted, or I had a bad day, or I was upset about anything at all...I'd use it as an excuse to cut loose and devour as much food as I could. And it wasn't exclusive to negative emotions. When I would experience positive emotions, I'd celebrate, or enhance my good mood with plenty of food and couch time. This pattern of excess no matter the emotions is what led to my weight soaring to over 500 pounds. Reversing this life long pattern and instinct has been a real-life exercise in better understanding of my personal psychology. I look at food very differently now. Where before I could quit and go back to my old eating habits at the drop of a hat, I honestly don't think I could now. If you told me I had to eat a quarter gallon of Blue Bell, as crazy as this might sound coming from me, I seriously don't think I could make myself. I haven't “stuffed” myself in 183 days and you know what? I don't miss it and I haven't the slightest desire for it. I'm rarely hungry, if at all it's first thing in the morning. One thing I've noticed, I haven't had an ulcer attack at all in the last six months. Before, when I'd get stressed, I'd eat of course, and not just a little, a bunch. The combination of stress and being stuffed would occasionally cause me to be up most of the night with my stomach burning like fire and me throwing up until my throat was raked with stomach acid and I could barely talk, not good for someone who talks for a living. Needless to say, I missed many a morning show because of my ulcer attacks. I think it's strange I haven't had one since I started this journey, because there's still stress in my life, I've just cut out the excessive eating and now I actually exercise on purpose. It's amazing what pain will make us promise ourselves. I can remember being in the middle of an attack with my mid section burning and my throat raw from throwing up, and my lips crusty from chugging Maalox, and saying out loud--- “this is it, I'm done, I'm losing this weight, I never want to feel this way again!” But then the pain would go away right along with my promise to change. The next day I'd act like it never happened. I'm sure my employer has noticed I haven't used as many sick days as I did before starting this journey.

My workout at the YMCA tonight was completely different. Mark, you know “that guy,” guided me through the first of three parts of a weight training program he's written for me. I'm so thrilled and extremely grateful that he's taking the time to show me the ropes and get me started. Mark knows what he's talking about. He's spent his entire life taking care of his body with nutrition, weight training, and exercise. When he speaks, I listen very closely. I will admit, I was really embarrassed at how weak my arms and shoulders were tonight. I mean to tell you, I'm weak! You could probably find a pre-teen girl that can lift more than me! But Mark was very encouraging. He told me that I will only gain strength with consistency, and basically to not worry about where I am right now. I have to start somewhere, right? And I've decided to do what I do and lift what I can safely lift, and do it with consistency, just like the consistency I've displayed the last 183 days. And you know what? Someday I'll be able to bench my weight and more! And oh what a wonderful story it will be to tell, about how on certain muscles, even a ten pound dumbbell was too heavy in the beginning. At one point I asked Mark, “do you think I even have triceps?” He just smiled and said “if you didn't you wouldn't be able to lift it at all.” Good point. It was really a fun thing, not intimidating really. I totally look forward to doing it three times a week. I'm completely pumped.

Courtney finished her workout upstairs in the fitness center while I was downstairs in the weight room. She weighed tonight and discovered another 6 pounds lost. She's discovering results all the time. It's wonderful to see her so excited about losing weight. When she told me about wearing those jeans she hadn't been able to wear since 7th grade, I could see the joy in her eyes, and it makes me so happy. Another successful day of losing weight and feeling great is in the books. Another weigh day is fast approaching, and it's time to rest. Good night and...

Good Choices,

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