Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Day 268 Why Was Today So Tough? Oh Yeah, I Made It That Way

Day 268

Why Was Today So Tough? Oh Yeah, I Made It That Way

Today has been a really tough day for some reason. Wow, listen to me “for some reason,” it certainly couldn't be my own doing could it? OK, I'm not going to pretend that I don't know why. Isn't that a wonderful way to make ourselves feel better though? Just pretend that we don't know why it was a tough day. If you get super honest with yourself, like I have, then you realize that often the choices we make determine the outcome of our day. I can make good choices on food all day long (most days—continue reading), but it seems I have a real problem making good choices when it comes to my sleep and exercise schedule. And when the sleep schedule is all messed up, it makes everything else more difficult than it needs to be. I've had problems today with urges to cut loose on a platter of tater tots, I missed my workout, opting to nap instead, and then ended up sleeping way longer than I should have. I have to remember the law of consequences. Everything we do has a consequence, good or bad, and we're the ones that decide. I've come way too far to feel this way. I know that I'm not perfect, but today has just been a mess of emotions stirred by tiredness that has shaken my solid foundation. Maybe I've become too confident. I've been walking along this road with such a confident swagger, perhaps I needed to be reminded of my vulnerabilities. I needed to be brought down a notch or two, just enough to refresh me on the fundamentals that have made this a successful journey so far. Keeping some semblance of a normal schedule is part of that. The easy way out when it comes to food, is to eat whatever and how much ever. The easy way out when it comes to exercise is to just not do it. The easy way out of keeping the schedule on track is to just go sleep regardless of the time or how bad it will mess up the groove. Gravitating to the line of least resistance isn't something I can afford. The smartest thing for me to do after dinner would have been workout followed by writing. Instead I decided on a little refresher nap. Only one problem, I don't know how to take refresher naps. It's all or nothing with me when it comes to sleep. The sad thing is, I really wasn't that tired. I was doing it in the name of “relaxing.” And relaxing is a good thing, but only when everything else is done, affording you the luxury. I couldn't afford it tonight.

This is going to be a tough little paragraph. I actually just teared up, wow, I'm such a little girl sometimes. I pride myself on making good calorie choices everyday. I'm hardly ever the slightest bit hungry because of my good calorie value choices. But just when you think you are a pro at making these choices, along comes onion tater tots. They should have never made the dinner table to begin with and here's why: Nine small tots for 170 calories. What? We baked them and served them along side some beef Irene grilled on the George Foreman. Steak and tots. Sounds good huh? Just a horrible calorie value, those tots. But I wanted them. I love the way they smell as they cook, I love the way they taste, I'm completely lusting over them and I'm ashamed. Did I stick with the tiny nine tot serving? No. I kept grabbing them. One after another at 19 calories a piece adds up real quick. Before it was all over, I was over. I wasn't over my calorie budget for the day, but my 500 calorie meal limit, by 170 calories. You might ask, “Sean, why the dramatics? You didn't go over your days calories, so where's the harm?” What felt horrible was feeling those old feelings again. That out of control feeling. Overeating just because it taste so good. That's something I've done my entire life. Why couldn't I just be satisfied with a serving, enjoy them, and move on? I think if the girls wouldn't have been watching, I would have finished off every last one of them. I felt powerless. Over tater tots...wow, just amazing. I've always said that one bad choice leads to another and tonight was definitely proof of that. I felt so horrible after dinner, I just wanted to lay down and relax a little bit, maybe try to reflect on the dinner table feelings and actions. It may not seem to be too big of a deal. And on the surface it isn't. So what, I had two servings of tater tots, big deal. What devastated me was the feeling of “slipping.” The same eating behaviors that put me up to over 500 pounds were in play at that dining room table. I thought I had squashed those behaviors into oblivion. I was reminded of these behaviors and it was kind of scary.

If this were a weekend night I would be heading out to exercise right now. It isn't and I have to be up for work in less than five hours. I'll be going to bed tonight without completing a workout. That's just unacceptable, especially the day before weigh day. But it is the result of my bad choices this evening. I must put this day behind me and realize that I learned a very important thing today. This day was important. It's purpose was to humble me, to show me that I'm not perfect. It has showed me that the difference between doing wonderfully perfect and feeling out of control and horrible is very thin sided. I needed today to further my growth along this journey. I will not let the negative emotions from it further effect my performance. It's over. Tomorrow is going to be a fantastic weigh day. I can feel it. It might just be what I need right about now. Thank you for reading, goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

10 comments:

  1. It's like you said, it's good to be reminded that you are not super human. I wonder if sometimes we all put too much pressure on you to be perfect because we all look up to you...you are allowed to be human. Think of the positives--you didn't go over your calorie budget, you did get some rest, and you were able to think about what you ate and why. You know you need to make a schedule and stick with it. The old tapes that play in our heads about eating and how it makes us feel will probably never go away, but at some point (like healing from anything) it will get easier. I think it is already a lot easier for you than it was 268+ days ago. Thanks for your honesty Sean. Hope you have a much better day tomorrow!

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  2. It was a little test - and you passed! You may feel you should have exercised, you may feel you shouldn't have had those extra tater tots (whatever they are!), you may feel you shouldn't have napped, but the important thing is you learned a lot in that evening. Now you are stronger and wiser and know how prepare yourself to avoid it happening again.

    Tomorrow's exercise will be all the better for a bit of extra sleep and with your renewed determination - good luck with your weigh in!

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  3. I had a horrible day (temptation and mood wise) also.

    I really needed to hear that you occasionally mess up. Ok...ONCE you messed up....but it helped me to not be so hard on myself. I was beginning to think "Amy, you aren't going to make goal weight after all because you DON'T have the mental change that Sean has after all" and I was feeling so discouraged last night......so it is nice to know that even hugely succussful people (you) still have an occasional mental struggle.
    Today will be better.
    Thank you for being honest.

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  4. Tater tots are EVIL.... try hash browns instead

    Gary Burghoff

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  5. Sometimes I'd rather just not have any of the foods that I know will trigger big "gotta have more" attacks. It's just too hard.

    You're doing fine. Just keep on keeping on.

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  6. My addiction to butter and cheese has always been a challenge to me, but tater totts would be nice right now, maybe if I cooked them in butter and added lots of cheese.

    I can dream can't I. ;)

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  7. Please don't be so hard on yourself! As long as you don't loose control all the way by thinking "I have messed up my diet, let me eat anyways", you are good. We are humans. What is it for you "Eating to live or living to eat"? I know your answer. You have changed your philosophy, remember? So allow yourself to eat a little bit more sometime. You know so much about food, you will never get back to your old habits. I am a constant reader of your blog, and so are others. We are proud of your progress and so should be you. I am happy that you have a family who respects and motivates you in all of this. Give them my best.

    Aleyna

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  8. Sean,
    I know the feeling all too well. But you learned many things tonight and I think that is actually great. While on this journey you are conintuing to be in touch with your feelings, triggers, and learning your actions/reactions to food and exercise. It only makes you stronger when you come to the end of your journey. It is these keys that help you see how far you've come.

    Good luck and Get Fit with weigh in today!

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  9. I'm sorry you had such a rough time :(
    If anything though, this should make you see how far you have come in your journey. Look at how upset you got over one poor food choice! A year or two ago, that same choice would not have even registered. The mental changes you have made are incredible.
    Everyday is a new day, and you will be back on top.
    Good luck and happy weigh in :)
    Val

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  10. "....Bury the past, learn from it and move on. You don't drown by falling in the water; you drown by staying there!" Sean...you have really got to recognize the fact that you will not lose your way on this journey. You've got a good level head on your shoulders...you stay focused...and most importantly, you're honest with yourself and everyone else making yourself accountable. To me...you are an inspiration...someone to look up to. By admitting to everyone that you, our fearless leader, slipped, makes the rest of us see that when we slip, it's not the end of the road and we're not failures.....we pick ourselves up and keep moving. You are human afterall....so quit kicking yourself in the ass or when I come back home I'll find a step ladder and do it for you! LOL I love ya, Cousin and I still think YOU DA MAN!!

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