With A Little Help From My Friends and I Was Standing RIGHT THERE!
I was so caught up in my schedule yesterday, I didn't manage my calorie budget very well. It was after nine pm and I still had over 600 calories remaining last night. So what did I do? I prepared a big heavy omelet---loaded with whole eggs, chicken breast, mushrooms, and salsa. It was good, very good. Then I found my way to the recliner and with the TV off, I enjoyed my late dinner. I finished every bite of this monster omelet, stopping momentarily to contemplate if it really was a good idea to eat this heavy right before bed. Oh, I've done this before---emptying my calorie bank right before bed, and I've still had wonderful success along this road. But I know it's not ideal, and really---I don't recommend doing this. I should have made time to eat more throughout the day! I'm so imperfect, always have been. I mean, yes, it was within my calorie budget for the day, but still---so heavy, so late. I should have had a chicken breast with mushrooms and an ice cream bar for desert and called it good, but I didn't.
I ended up sitting there alone with my thoughts, and that was a very nice thing. At some point, I drifted off and ended up sleeping all night long. No alarm set, nothing. It could have been horrible! Luckily, I snapped awake at 4:30am and realized what I had done. I was disgusted with myself, but I didn't have time to be, I was already thirty minutes behind schedule and felt very unrested.
This wasn't a good day to feel unrested. Today was very busy! I immediately grabbed a banana and started hurrying through my morning routine. I sat down to write, answer a couple of e-mails, showered, brushed my teeth, dressed—-and then realized: I was out of time! No morning exercises today, no hot breakfast either. This was not how I like to start my day! And look what suffered: Two fundamentals of my success—-the exercise and the good breakfast! I grabbed an apple on the way downstairs—so I guess an apple and a banana will count as breakfast, not too bad, but still.
As I started to get into my radio show, I realized that I didn't plan at all for food later in the day. My show ended at 9am and then it was off to the races, with a quick production session from 9am to 9:40am, then straight to a remote broadcast from 10 to 2pm and one from 3 to 6pm. I knew there would be food at these broadcasts, most usually, but it wasn't going to be the kind of choices I wanted to make. I updated my facebook profile, kicking myself for not planning better—but assuring myself that I would make the best choices possible regardless.
The menu at broadcast number one was very simple: Popcorn (popped in calorie dense Coco-Pop oil), hot dogs, potato chips, and soda pop. It was perfect fare for a big grand opening event with a bunch of people, it was very nice! However, I wasn't sure of my strategy. I knew I had to stay away from that popcorn, even though the alluring smell of fresh popped corn filled the store, tickling my nostrils with a wink that said “Come on Sean, just a little will be ok!” And ok, a little would have been ok, but no...I had only a banana and an apple at this point, I wanted something more. I made my way into the concession truck outside to do a live break. I wrapped the spot and then asked the person handling the hotdogs if I could see some nutrition labels. She looked at me as if I were crazy and then grabbed the packages. A bun was 100 and one of these hot dogs, oh my, 160! I could have a hotdog with yellow mustard for 260 calories. But still...oh my, it was so small---and you know how quickly I could put away a hotdog? Old Sean would have showed you, two bites my friend, two bites. Old Sean would have had at least three of these things.
I passed and made my way to the remote vehicle. I have friends, I could call someone to bring me something, but I didn't want to inconvenience anyone because I failed to plan, you know? That thought barely made it out of my head when I turned and found Linda, a friend and a longtime local reader of this blog. Linda is on my facebook too, she had noticed my update about the poor food planning---and Linda decided to help me out. She handed me a bag full of good stuff to last me throughout this long day of broadcasting. Wow---I didn't know what to say! I jumped out of the vehicle and gave her a hug! Thank you Linda! I found a couple of bananas and some homemade chicken breast wraps with mozzarella, lettuce, and tomatoes. These things were amazing! She threw in a couple of bottles of zero calorie flavored sparkling water and a big pack of sugar free gum. And then I found the note attached, detailing the calorie count of everything in the bag!!! Oh Linda, you are incredible! We talked for a few minutes about her husbands painting too. Her husband has been doing a bunch of work on our new studios and he is incredible! I had to send my compliments to him. What a wonderful friend, thank you again Linda---you made “good choices” so much easier for me today!
In between broadcasts, I had to run to the bank, the post office, and back to my apartment to grab my phone charger. Before I knew it—It was time to start the car dealer broadcast.
Surprisingly, there wasn't any food at all here. Just some cold soft drinks on the showroom floor, along with a 2010 Camaro—oh wow...that thing is hot! I walked in and made my way to the tower where the GM sits. He was amazed at my transformation. I've done their radio commercials for years, but I hardly ever see him. It had been well over a year since my last broadcast here and the difference in my appearance is dramatic. The GM was all smiles and complimentary. It felt so good.
As I made my way around the showroom floor, I overheard a salesperson whisper to another “have you seen Sean?” And I'm not sure what to think about the reply. He replied “Where is that fat *ss?” I was standing RIGHT THERE! It didn't sting like it would have at over 500 pounds, but then again---he would have never said it in front of me if I still weighed 505. The guy that said it isn't a bad person, he's a great guy...Just older (60's probably), and is the type that doesn't sugar coat anything, he just tells it like it is, even if it's hurtful. But it's not like it is, or was for me---anymore. The other sales staff immediately told him it was me, right there in front of him---I wish I would have been recording his reaction. His eyes got big, his face lit up, and he proclaimed “I don't believe it!” He wouldn't stop. He must have complimented me for an hour straight, even suggesting that maybe I was someone who killed the old Sean and took his place. Well, ok---yeah...kinda I guess. He took a break from this constant shower of amazement and “wow,” long enough to call an obese friend of his and tell him all about my weight loss and how he should look me up. He must have told me how proud he was of me thirty times. He felt horrible about the “fat *ss” comment. It was OK, I forgave him. I was just thrilled to be at the point in this transformation where someone could make that horrible mistake, simply because I was unrecognizable as my former image.
What a wonderful day really. What started out as an unrested, unprepared-for mess, turned out to be nice and kind of entertaining.
I know this is long already, but yesterday while reading my post from a year ago---I was struck by the following. This excerpt is from March 25th, 2009, a year and a day ago:
Every now and then I write a blog, post it, then the next day I'll think of something I wanted to mention but didn't. Last night after the “Lose To Win” seminar, I was approached by a nice lady who expressed concern for a loved one. She told me that the loved one that had her concerned was where I was when I started. Just in case she convinced that loved one to read this blog, here's what I hope he reads:
I don't know your name, what you look like, or anything about you other than a couple of clues I've been given. I know that you're right around 500 pounds and I know that you have loved ones that care deeply about you. That's all I know for certain about you. But I'll take it a little deeper. I was over 500 pounds for years, so I can safely assume that perhaps you're feeling some of the emotions that became a fixed part of my life for so long. You might feel completely hopeless, I did. You might feel like you're out of control, I did. You probably turn to food when you're stressed, scared, sad, happy, it doesn't matter the occasion or emotion huh? Yep, me too. It's hard to get around isn't it? A short walk can feel suffocating, I know. Maybe you feel like your weight has started chipping away at your personal relationships, I know I did.
Are you scared of dying like I was every single day? Be honest, when a little twinge of pain crosses your chest do you start praying it's anything but what you fear the most? I sure did. Is your wardrobe severely limited because of your size? Mine was. I once wore the same pair of pants every day for six months straight, washing it every couple of days, just because it was the only pair that fit, and driving to OKC or Tulsa to buy more was too inconvenient. When you get scared for your life, do you feel like you're in a non-stop self-destructive cycle? Please say you haven't given up. I never did. Listen, I knew that if I kept going I would die very soon. Only God knows how soon, but soon for certain. I also knew that I had to be the one to stop the endless cycle. I had to get very honest and very serious with myself. You're not hopeless and you can do this. I'm not special, I don't have any kind of secret potion, I'm not perfect in any way. I'm just a guy who knew that if I really wanted to live, and I mean really live, I had to do something now. I'd argue that I'm no different than you my friend. 192 days ago I reached my limit. My world was becoming unraveled, my weight was doing it's best to crush me and any sliver of hope I may have had for the future.
Can you relate? I bet you can. I'm here to tell you that you can reclaim your life. You have the power within you to do amazing things, and grabbing control of your weight is just the beginning. But how? I'm not going to say that my way is right or wrong, bad or good. It's what I did. I immediately started eating 1,500 calories a day and exercising however I could, and trust me, it wasn't much, but remember, anything is better than nothing. And you'll be amazed at how far you'll progress along the way if you stay consistent. Read the labels, buy a calorie book, look calories up on the internet. All the information you need is out there. Even before you do that, it's very important to sit down and have a long internal discussion with yourself. Write down what you want out of life. Dream a little! Get it on paper or on a computer screen, whatever, just write. Form your motivating thoughts and hold onto them tight, you're gonna need them to get through this. Make your motivating thoughts one of the most important things you think about daily. Then DECIDE that you will defend the pursuit of those desires every waking minute. DECIDE to live, DECIDE to change, DECIDE to once and for all take a stand for yourself. Stand up and demand respect from the one that has given you the least, and that's you.
DECIDE that it isn't going to end this way, obesity is no longer in charge of your destiny, you are. BELIEVE you have the power to render powerless every hang up that stopped you before, because YOU DO. DECIDE that no matter the struggles in your day to day life, one thing will never be compromised, and that's your commitment to this journey. Don't do what I did for years, I don't know you , maybe you've done it for years too...Don't lie to yourself. Don't assume you have time to worry about it later. DECIDE to do it NOW and leave the worry behind. I'm right at about half way through my journey, and I've never been happier. That happiness I speak of comes from hope that I never had before. That happiness exist regardless of my current circumstances. Regardless of the stress level from whatever it is that's stressing us out, that happiness and hope remains and carries us through. DECIDE that you're worth it, because YOU ARE. DECIDE to LOVE YOURSELF enough to make the changes that will set you free.
Listen, I've never been one for dramatics, and I know this page is full of dramatics, but please know that it comes from a very sincere place. I wish you could take my place and feel what I'm feeling. Please go back in the archives and read from day 1. Every day is indexed on the left hand side of the page. And if you want, send me an e-mail and we'll communicate directly. Whoever you are, best wishes.
Ok—this was a long post, even by my standards. I'll tell you right now, I didn't get an organized workout today. By the time I walked into my apartment tonight, I was toast. I was completely drained from the day. Oh and Loretta? The tucking question from yesterday? Uh...no. No tucking. I'll get there, I will. Baby steps my friend. Baby steps. ;) Thank you for taking the time to read. Goodnight and...