Not My Best and I Thought I Had This, Silly Me
I was laying in bed today, just staring at the ceiling and thinking. I feel so wonderful physically, yet I feel so undone. Does that make sense? It's a part of this mental game for which I never planned. When you feel good and you're liking what you see in the mirror, not because it's perfect, but because it's light years from where you were---it becomes very easy to be easy in the workout department. I guess not for everybody, but for me---amping up my workouts has been a constant struggle of the last six months. It's old and annoying. Food habits, got it. Mentally prepared to handle my food behavior in a responsible way for the rest of my life? Not worried. Willing to exercise to really achieve what I want? Uh--yeah, well uh, sure. See? Do I not want it bad enough?? Or maybe I am allowing my emotions and circumstances to affect me. They're not affecting my consumption, but everything else? Yeah, I think so. Maybe I've been lax on myself mentally and physically, allowing myself to get too comfortable with my smaller size. I need to have a good long look at myself and really evaluate what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. The great thing about this? Really, in all honesty...it's all good. I've lost 245 pounds so far, I'm slowly approaching a wonderful goal---that I truly believe is possible, so I need to recognize that and feel great about it all. BUT---I need to do that without it becoming a convenient rationalization for bad choices in my workout schedule. Tricky, this mental stuff certainly is tricky...and somehow I thought I had it all figured out. Silly me.
In reading the post from last year on this date, I was reminded of a very simple and effective analogy on metabolism, the wood burning stove! From March 30th, 2009:
I've really been concentrating on spreading out my calories more evenly throughout the day, you know, to keep the fire in my “wood burning stove” burning hot. The metabolism is a tricky thing. I use to think that the metabolism was something you were just born with and completely unable to change. I thought that some of us were blessed with a really fast metabolism and some were unfortunately “blessed” with a slow metabolism. While you'll find some truth in that, a slow metabolism doesn't have to remain slow. I've learned that exercise, water consumption, and eating frequently all have the power to act like a “metabolism dial” that you can adjust up several notches. It just so happens that all of my former bad behaviors with food and lack of movement was a perfect recipe for a sluggish metabolism. Oh how much time I wasted being depressed and negative about losing weight because I had a naturally slow metabolism, and all the while my metabolism was yelling “Hey, help me help you!” and “It's called H2O, look it up.” and “If you would eat smaller portions maybe I wouldn't feel so smothered down here.” and “How long has it been since you really exercised...well that's too long.” That's right, my metabolism was a heckler that I refused to acknowledge for many years. Instead I would sit and be jealous of the naturally thin people with super-human metabolisms, looking out the window as they would run by with their workout pants and water bottle. “Crazy over-achievers,” I thought. I now pride myself on slowly becoming one of them. I don't even necessarily have to be an over-achiever, just an achiever, that'd be just fine with me. I'm fitting the description of an “achiever” everyday, one day at a time right?
This evening I looked out at a beautiful sunset and decided that I needed to walk/jog at the trail, outside in the elements, it was so nice. I wish I could tell you that I gleefully skipped out of my apartment and danced my way to the vehicle, but no. That would be dishonest. I forced myself to go. I wasn't in the mood. I just wasn't and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I'm not suppose to feel that way! But you wanna know something? I do feel that way these days (see paragraph #1). And it scares the heck fire out of me. I ended up only doing 1.66 miles. My dear mother walked further than me today! (I'm so proud of her--I just smiled, thank you momma!) And yes I mean walked...I didn't run, jog, or anything other than brisk walking.
I'm not a failure, quiet the opposite actually, I'm a winner! I'm a very successful loser. I'm strong mentally and improving physically. But somedays, especially lately---I get in this funk, and I don't fully understand why. I'm working on that part.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...