Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Day 562 Not My Best and I Thought I Had This, Silly Me

Day 562

Not My Best and I Thought I Had This, Silly Me

I was laying in bed today, just staring at the ceiling and thinking. I feel so wonderful physically, yet I feel so undone. Does that make sense? It's a part of this mental game for which I never planned. When you feel good and you're liking what you see in the mirror, not because it's perfect, but because it's light years from where you were---it becomes very easy to be easy in the workout department. I guess not for everybody, but for me---amping up my workouts has been a constant struggle of the last six months. It's old and annoying. Food habits, got it. Mentally prepared to handle my food behavior in a responsible way for the rest of my life? Not worried. Willing to exercise to really achieve what I want? Uh--yeah, well uh, sure. See? Do I not want it bad enough?? Or maybe I am allowing my emotions and circumstances to affect me. They're not affecting my consumption, but everything else? Yeah, I think so. Maybe I've been lax on myself mentally and physically, allowing myself to get too comfortable with my smaller size. I need to have a good long look at myself and really evaluate what I'm doing and how I'm doing it. The great thing about this? Really, in all honesty...it's all good. I've lost 245 pounds so far, I'm slowly approaching a wonderful goal---that I truly believe is possible, so I need to recognize that and feel great about it all. BUT---I need to do that without it becoming a convenient rationalization for bad choices in my workout schedule. Tricky, this mental stuff certainly is tricky...and somehow I thought I had it all figured out. Silly me.

In reading the post from last year on this date, I was reminded of a very simple and effective analogy on metabolism, the wood burning stove! From March 30th, 2009:

I've really been concentrating on spreading out my calories more evenly throughout the day, you know, to keep the fire in my “wood burning stove” burning hot. The metabolism is a tricky thing. I use to think that the metabolism was something you were just born with and completely unable to change. I thought that some of us were blessed with a really fast metabolism and some were unfortunately “blessed” with a slow metabolism. While you'll find some truth in that, a slow metabolism doesn't have to remain slow. I've learned that exercise, water consumption, and eating frequently all have the power to act like a “metabolism dial” that you can adjust up several notches. It just so happens that all of my former bad behaviors with food and lack of movement was a perfect recipe for a sluggish metabolism. Oh how much time I wasted being depressed and negative about losing weight because I had a naturally slow metabolism, and all the while my metabolism was yelling “Hey, help me help you!” and “It's called H2O, look it up.” and “If you would eat smaller portions maybe I wouldn't feel so smothered down here.” and “How long has it been since you really exercised...well that's too long.” That's right, my metabolism was a heckler that I refused to acknowledge for many years. Instead I would sit and be jealous of the naturally thin people with super-human metabolisms, looking out the window as they would run by with their workout pants and water bottle. “Crazy over-achievers,” I thought. I now pride myself on slowly becoming one of them. I don't even necessarily have to be an over-achiever, just an achiever, that'd be just fine with me. I'm fitting the description of an “achiever” everyday, one day at a time right?

This evening I looked out at a beautiful sunset and decided that I needed to walk/jog at the trail, outside in the elements, it was so nice. I wish I could tell you that I gleefully skipped out of my apartment and danced my way to the vehicle, but no. That would be dishonest. I forced myself to go. I wasn't in the mood. I just wasn't and I feel so guilty for feeling that way. I'm not suppose to feel that way! But you wanna know something? I do feel that way these days (see paragraph #1). And it scares the heck fire out of me. I ended up only doing 1.66 miles. My dear mother walked further than me today! (I'm so proud of her--I just smiled, thank you momma!) And yes I mean walked...I didn't run, jog, or anything other than brisk walking.

I'm not a failure, quiet the opposite actually, I'm a winner! I'm a very successful loser. I'm strong mentally and improving physically. But somedays, especially lately---I get in this funk, and I don't fully understand why. I'm working on that part.

Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

19 comments:

  1. Very insightful...........Been there, screwed it up totally. You are a winner, because you got your stuff on and went out and did SOMETHING! Anything is better than nothing. I think we all struggle with the all or nothing philosophy about all aspects of weight loss, but you know that one bad food day doesn't mean you throw away the whole week, just like one bad day of exercising doesn't mean you stop this journey. Make yourself a knot and hold on tight! I hate funks-been in one for a long time and am finally climbing my way out.....went back to my weight watchers meetings for the first time in over six months!

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  2. Some days really are just harder than others. If you feel like you are truly in an exercise slump though, why not think about setting some new goals. Don't you have some sort of a group relay race coming up - consider setting up a speicific training session for that. Or you could try something like the C25K or the 30 Day Shred or any of the other tools out there that give you something specific to aim for. Trying something new too, like a sports team or an exercise class, can also add a lot of fire to your desire to workout. I recently discovered that belly dancing is really fun and I bet you would have a grand time parading around in one of those jingly scarves! :)

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  3. Isn't there a Greatful Dead song about how you need to watch out when everything seems really easy. That is so true!!

    I have been there myself.

    Thanks for the post!

    WeighDownSouth.com

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  4. I am right there with you Sean. Totally. Gotta shake this funk.

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  5. I liked what 266 said: set some new goals... something specific to aim at.

    With your crazy schedule, I can see how joining a class or other fixed thing would be hard to pull off. But you could pick something that would allow for flexibility.. like join with others online and all commit to walk/jog/running X amount of miles per week. Or something like that.

    My husband has a saying he likes: He who aims at nothing usually hits it.

    So I'm betting having a specific goal will help you keep your focus in the exercise area, and having other people involved with give just that extra kick in the tush to git er dun.

    Well, that's one idea, anyway. I know you'll figure out something that is just right for you.
    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  6. Exercise is something that you must enjoy to do over and over again. It shouldn't feel like a chore or a burden. Sure there are some days that you might feel tired or exhausted and that's ok, but for the most part exercise should be fun. You have seemed to really enjoy raquetball so maybe try setting up a few games a week. Try biking or do some of the free classes at the YMCA (mine offers something different every night) to test the waters and see what you like to do. Take care.
    Joe

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  7. Sean, I think we can *all* identify with not wanting to do what's necessary sometimes. I have a response card that I read often that says:

    "I don't want to" is just my adolescent rebellion talking. I'm not going to pay attention to it.

    I don't know why I fight what is necessary and good and HEALTHY! Sometimes I think it's a control thing - just because I CAN. Well whoopdie-doo - I CAN choose to not exercise? I CAN choose to stay fat? Where is the power in that!??

    Another card I read often says:

    If I want to lose weight permanently, I will have to learn to do things I don't feel like doing. But the payoff will be worth it!

    I know that's true...now I just need to keep drilling it into my mind AND I need to "fake it" for now - DO the things I'm resisting until I no longer resist them.

    Good luck to you in this challenge, and know you're not alone!

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  8. Please don't belly dance in only a jingly scarf!

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  9. I am the opposite of you, I love to exercise, but my food I find hard at times.
    I would recommend setting the challenge to yourself of, I am going to run as far as I can today or for as long as I can.. and its amazing when you do this, as you, ohh I can go just a little further ohhh a little and then you see what you are made of.
    I also believe the PT is the key to keeping you going.. are you still seeing yours. I love mine and would definaley not have this fixation on running if it was not for her, ohh and weights etc.

    Maybe you need a "Goal" Run 10 kms?? you have done a walk... ???

    Good luck matie, coz when you get it all working together it is blissfull and the funk goes away..

    Vic

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  10. You should cross train for a sprint triathlon my friend :)! 1/2 mile swim 12 mile bike ride 5 k run

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  11. your doing great sean..i gave you an award on my page..enjoy it nephew..loveyou kelli

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  12. You know, it's funny because many times it's the food I struggle with...wanting to eat some crackers with butter when I know that will put me over my calorie goals.
    Exercise...I could do it all day.
    Maybe if I told you what I get out of it, you could see it differently..maybe not. lol.
    anyways.
    I was talking to my good friend amber yesterday.
    She can't run for two months.
    It really upset her. I know why...
    She explained it (the exercise thing) better than I ever could.
    She said "I am making the world around me move by...I am propelling myself forward into the world. Using my strength."
    That's it.
    Everytime I get out there, or into the gym...I have created a moment where I have conquered something.
    Maybe it was my laziness that day. I have that one moment where I have controlled my environment, how I moved in it...I said go, I said stop.
    I beat the machine...or the five miles...or that hill. Eleven months ago, I couldn't walk a quarter mile. Now I can jog three. I made my body do that. I disciplined my body with my will.
    You enjoy the food part because you control it, it doesn't control you.
    Now do the same with your body.
    You control it, it doesn't control you. You can make it into anything you want it to be.
    go get em.

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  13. You've lost my entire weight! Amazing and impressive! Yes, set new goals and look for new ways to be inspired, but also remember, you're human. I hope it's a good day!

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  14. I don't think there's anything wrong with taking a break from exercising. *ducks and hides* But seriously. I always *failed* at losing weight before because I was so super strict with my eating and exercise. When I inevitably missed a workout or ate one of the *forbidden* foods, rot set in and I quit soon after. I eat now in a way that is doable for life. The same has to go with my exercise. It has to be livable! So I do things that I like, like walking and riding a bike. The running is hard, hurts my knees and my shins, and is HARD. I don't do it everyday. I do it maybe once/twice a week. I think you should give yourself a break Sean. Take like a week off. Sleep! Hugs to you!

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  15. Sean,think Nike and just do it! I use to feel the same way about exercise/movement, it was like "awe hell man I really don't wanna" but I made myself, every day I made myself and now here I am when I miss a day of working out or the day just got away from me and its 10pm and I haven't worked out feel like I missed out on Christmas morning! guilty and I work twice as hard the next day. I honestly look forward to my workouts at this point and feel like I miss out when I miss a workout, its like auto pilot for me and I don't even think about it as an option to miss it. would I skip dinner because I wasn't excited about what was being served? I wouldn't stay up all night just because and I wouldn't skip working out unless I was hurt or had no other choice, its just something that I do at this point and you can get there too! do it EVERY DAY whether you want to or not, go for a walk, go for a run, get a bike and ride it anything!

    You got my ear and email address if you need it, or if you want a kick in the arse ;) you have made HUGE strides in your health thus far and no matter what the ol ladies that walk every day (a subtle push for ya) say You are the man, man!

    As Ever
    Me

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  16. Excellent response Chris. You coulda wrote a whole blog post yourself with that! Sean, read her response again and let it sink it.

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  17. Maybe I won't be popular for this comment but here it is. Maybe it's time to re-evaluate what you actually want. I lost almost 100 pounds and then the sense of urgency left me. Now I just coast along happily, eating properly, treats occassionally and within reason, exercising when the mood strikes me and that's just fine. I still watch carefully and weigh weekly, but if I wanted to, if it really meant enough to me, I could exercise like a demon, cut a couple extra calories and get a killer, rock hard bikini body. But honestly? It's just not important enough to me to expend that kind of energy. That level of fitness is not a goal I have. I am happy being healthy, looking great, fitting my clothes and living my life. When I was first going through the big change I thought that where I had to get to was 'fitness magazine perfect'....and when I got to where I am now I realized that where I am NOW was truly my original, 'unachievable' dream. I got here...and here is good enough.

    Now, if it actually is important enough to you to commit the time and the energy to really achieve that level of super-fitness, then get out there and kill it, every day, stop making excuses, go do it!

    On the other hand....if it's not that important....maybe good enough really is good enough...........

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  18. I don't comment on blogs very much, but after reading your post I actually think I have something to offer up.

    When I started my weight loss journey 47 weeks and 4 days ago, I made a decision to work out a minimum of 4 times every week. I also made the decision that I would only do things that I enjoy.

    I enjoy the eliptical machine, playing soccer, playing tennis, cycling, and running (sometimes). I hate the stationary bike.

    Working out has to be fun. If I forced myself to ride a stationary bike, I wouldn't have made it this far. Workouts also don't have to mean gyms and sports. A workout can be anything that gets your heart rate into the fat burning zone -- ANYTHING.

    Consider creating a menu of fun things and then the days you work out you pick the item off the menu that is the most fun. Make it Playing Out instead of Working Out.

    Cheers.

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  19. I can only echo what others have posted. I struggle much more with calories than exercise, too. But here's the thing: I hate exercise. I have to make it fun. Since I love music (and I know you mentioned this is helpful for you as well), the MP3 player is my best friend. I recently created a new playlist with high--energy songs that motivated me, made me laugh, or made me recall a happy time in my life. Stuff like Mary J. Blige's "Just Fine" to Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy". The season has changed, things in life sure do change, maybe we should expect to change it up health-wise too to stay engaged. Good luck--you've been so very helpful on my journey, even though this is only my second comment.

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