Clothing Hang-Ups: The Battle Between The Ears and Sportin' The Heels For A Good Cause
I knew this was going to be an active Saturday, so by 8am---it was feet on the floor, coffee in my cup, and breakfast cooking. I had a broadcast at 10:45am for a big car and bike show, then it would be off to downtown for the “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” event, then back to the lake for the car show broadcast until 3pm. Being able to greet a day like today with a big smile on my face is an amazing contrast from my 500 pound days. I was confident it would be good.
At 505, I wouldn't be this active. I wouldn't be attempting the walk in heels, no way...I would still be doing the broadcast of course, but instead of roaming around, smiling and being an active part of the atmosphere---I would have spent as much time as possible hiding in the remote vehicle---doing my live on-air breaks to satisfy the contractual obligation—but avoiding any unnecessary contact with people. I was always better in studio at my heaviest---away from people, hiding behind a microphone---where I looked like whatever the listeners imagination thought I sounded like...which is always better than reality. And that dynamic was always something I thought about at public appearances, this is when they see the real me---their illusion will be blown to bits! It's horrible to live with this kind of self-image shame, and I know that some morbidly obese people project an attitude of self-acceptance and they don't hide---even at their heaviest, they would put themselves out there---and if you didn't like it—forget you, don't care. But I was never that way---I wish I would have been, it would have saved me a lot of mental anguish over the years. So after losing 247 pounds so far---the self image hang-ups are gone, right? No, they're just different.
Now, I struggle with clothing selection. At 505, I always dressed to satisfy my self-image hang-ups, and now at 258, I still do the very same thing. Do I look better than I ever have? Yes. Do I still dress in over-sized clothing in the name of comfort? Yes. It's not physical comfort, it's emotional comfort. Let me make something very clear: The most important accomplishments to me along this road are the dramatic improvements to my health. That's what really matters. And in that regard—I'm absolutely blessed and couldn't be happier. But I'm still not fully accepting of my thinner physical image. It's crazy, these hang-ups—and I know that it's all in my head, and the rational side of me says---you look great---and that side is right, compared to what I was...but the battle rages on between my ears. And so I dress to cover up what my irrational side perceives as imperfections—I feel better that way---even though my transformation would appear even more dramatic in smaller jeans and no over-shirt, it still wouldn't be what I want. Will I ever be satisfied? Yes, I will. But it's going to take some work. And I'm not just talking about exercise and lifting weights---it's going to take some psychological work.
With all of that said, make no mistake---I'm very happy these days. I feel amazing. I really do, and I'm so grateful for the wonderful blessings my transformation has given me. My clothing issues are such a small side note in the big scope of things. The most important things are absolutely the best. I can breathe again---sleep without a machine. I don't take any medication—because I no longer have blood pressure issues. I can move again---ride a bike, jog---really be active. I can run up stairs, and often do—just because I can. These are beautiful things my friend.
The “Walk a Mile in Her Shoes” event was a fantastic thing today. It was a fun way to raise awareness and money for the Domestic Violence Program of Northern Central Oklahoma. It was very cool to see all of the fire and police personnel in high heels. These guys are the ones that respond to heartbreaking domestic violence and sexual assault cases---they deal with the very serious situations up close and personal. And it was refreshing to see them out there, having a great time---and supporting such an important cause. Everyone from politicians, community leaders, and even radio personalities “suited up” in the heels and made a statement of support. Irene and I once drove to Oklahoma City—picked up a loved one out of an abusive situation, and delivered them to this very program in Ponca City. That was long before I ever worked or lived here. I was so impressed with the program back then, and I'm still impressed. They do so much for so many people---and they do it quietly and effectively. They're a real asset to this area, no doubt---very deserving of all the support we can offer. You can visit their website at www.dvpnco.org
After posting the high heel pics on facebook yesterday, it didn't take long for me to hear from friends who said---You need smaller clothes! I know, I hear that every time a full body picture is out there. And I appreciate that, it's a compliment---thank you! Last night I pulled out a pair of Levi's shrink to fit button fly 501's. The tab says they're 38's, but I know they shrink some---They seem considerably smaller than my comfy-loose 40's. I put them on and to my surprise, they fit. They were tight, but they buttoned. No bagginess---not loose at all. I looked in the mirror and really liked the way they showcased my slimmer legs and much smaller behind...but I hated the way it mushroomed my loose mid-section skin and remaining fat. But still, I kept them on. I could wear these, I think I could...in public. I needed to do some light grocery shopping---and instead of changing, I just put on my shoes and hit the road. I was in my “skinny jeans,” you might say. And it felt good really. I'll probably wear these at the “Lose To Win” kick-off speaking engagement. That will be a breakthrough for me. I'll probably still have an over-shirt---but hey, baby-steps, right?
I contemplated a late night bike ride tonight, but instead---I drove to the trail and enjoyed a nice walk/jog. I really re-connected with some songs out there, songs that I haven't listened to in a while. REO Speedwagon's “Time For Me To Fly” isn't a song about the end of a relationship between two people---Oh, it is---but to me it's about my break-up with obesity. I must have listened to that song five times tonight. It empowers me around that trail. It was actually kind of chilly tonight---breezy and very cool. It didn't take much jogging to generate a warmth that got me through. Actually, I fell a little short of a 5K, but it was still a good workout.
I prepared a very nice dinner tonight. I don't know what I'll call it---but here's what it was: A grilled chicken breast topped with tomato sauce, cheese, and grilled veggies---then baked to a melty perfection. I used a four ounce breast for 140, 120 calories worth of cheese, 15 calories worth of sauce, and maybe, what...10 calories for veggies? 285 calories of absolute awesomeness on a plate. It was so good! I enjoyed an orange for desert. I skipped the side items. No potato, no bread...and it was great. After this dish and the orange, I was full---and satisfied. The orange satisfies that need for something sweet after a meal and is way better than what I did at 505. Oh my---a big bowl of ice cream or two, or maybe a couple bowls of sugary cereal was a normal after-meal routine back then. New habits, new routines, new life.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
This is an experimental chicken dish that absolutely rocks! Great dinner tonight!
Sportin' The Heels
Was told to lift the leg a little---oh yeah baby!
I made it! BTW---It wasn't really a mile, only 5 blocks. Thank goodness!
Time to kick off these torture devices! Wow—how do people do this? Can't be good for the feet!!
Special thanks to my friends Anne Crail and Cathy Cole for the "heel" shots!