May 22nd, 2014 The Best Thing That Happened Today
The positive momentum building here is palpable. That weigh day yesterday, even if some of it was water weight, was over the top. I've been here, I know what's coming and it will slow down, of course. I'm feeling ready for the road ahead.
Some of the mysteries are gone, replaced by experience, hardened by lessons--and that's wonderful. I'm taking a do-over. I thank God that I didn't slip all the way back. I'm thankful I didn't delete this blog when the darkness of the spiral suggested it was the best thing to do. It wasn't the best thing to do at all. But in that mindset everything is flipped, the good things seem repulsive and the bad things alluring. This chance I've been given is an opportunity to move forward into a familiar territory, armed with a fresh perspective, a new appreciation, a reverence for things I didn't give a chance before. I'm not a failure.
I'm not a failure. I'm far from it. In fact, I'm a success. If this sounds like positive self-talk working hard to defeat some deceptive inner dialogue, you're right, it is--but there's a difference now. It doesn't have to work very hard because I believe it. I truly believe those words so deeply, it's become a thing within me. I'm proud of my success. I'm proud of my experience and what I've been able to learn. How much better will it be to reach a healthy weight again and understand that I deserve to be there? To not feel like a stranger in my own skin because this time around I've taken the time to reacquaint myself with the real me, will be a very powerful thing. And the great thing about this developing relationship is, it isn't something I'll receive when I reach some magical point along the way. It's developing now. And I reap the rewards regardless of my weight.
The best thing that happened today was a phone call from mom.
Last June I accompanied her to the Stillwater Senior Center to see about mom becoming a regular visitor. She enjoyed the tour and seemed genuinely excited to get to know so many new people. But brewing in her was this negative inner dialogue about how she would be received. To anyone that knows my mom, you know she's one of the most loving people in the world. Her smile, her conversation, her spirit--has a way of brightening everything. She is easily loved by all who meet her. Still, she harbored a deep fear of rejection. What if they don't like me?
She's struggled with this for almost a year, even suffering sleepless nights full of anxiety over imaginary scenarios where she's rejected or simply not liked for whatever reason. I understand where that stuff comes from, I do and even while I was doing similar things to myself--I kept trying to encourage her to break free from this hold. Today she did it.
I was at the studio working when she called and told me the great news. It was a wonderful experience for her, everyone was friendly and she's planning on going back a few times a week. Talk about breakthroughs! This is a major breakthrough because she's risen above the negative and untrue inner dialogue, taken a chance and now she's free.
It's like me and the YMCA situation not too long ago.
I'm so very proud of my mom.
Today was a little bit turned around for me. I was about to head to the Y this afternoon, until I got summoned into work by thunderstorms moving through. This changed my plan. It was workout, dinner, writing. Instead it was working, dinner, writing and workout. The rain has left a super moist smell in the air and it's so inviting, I'm headed out there within minutes for a good walk. Tonight's workout will not be as intense as the elliptical, and that's okay. It will be intense in other ways.
For food pictures of everything I enjoy, visit my Twitter account @SeanAAnderson
Thank you for reading,