April 2nd, 2018 Uncertainty
Today: I maintained the integrity of my maintenance calorie budget, I remained refined sugar-free, I met my daily water goal, and I stayed well connected with good support.
Mom has fallen twice today. She's okay, just banged up some and sore. I'm sure she'll be even sorer tomorrow. She might be developing another infection. I'm grateful she's getting the care she needs. The nursing staff where she lives is on top of this situation.
Tomorrow is the day my fourth grandchild comes into the world! Phoebe will join Raegan, Oliver, and Noah!
I'll be taking either a full or partial day off for Phoebe's arrival day!
When I've struggled hardest it's usually something, not even food-related that's bothering me. My disease makes it all about food. If I sit down and think about it, it's usually either job, relationship, family, or some other kind of stressor or it's frustration for what I perceive to be my own shortcomings. Also, it's often fear over things ahead even if I don't have good reason to fear- which is basically the emptiness of uncertainty. Uncertainty is a horrible one.
Something I try to frame: Whatever it is pressing on my brain, emotionally and/or mentally: It will work out better IF I maintain the integrity of my plan. In that perspective, it's difficult to believe the lie my head is trying to sell me. My head says that I need to eat off-plan and that'll help-- if I don't pause, that's what I'll go with.
If I allow a little space between the thought and the reaction, I can find the right perspective needed for a positive action. We pause to act instead of reacting.
If you're like me, this is our normal- and it's why we must practice a plan each day. One of the biggest barriers to that trek, in my experience, is resentment for this fact. That resentment didn't start fading for me until I stopped doing something I didn't even realize I was doing: I was comparing myself to everyone else. I wanted to live their normal. I was constantly telling myself I wasn't normal- as if something was horribly wrong or flawed with me. I was pissed off, quite frankly, because I couldn't live with any peace and stability when I tried to assume the normal of "those people."
But... when I decided to embrace MY normal... when I decided I wasn't abnormal, I was just me, and me was okay... suddenly I felt better. I cannot live my life constantly believing there's something wrong with me. My normal requires a daily practice. And that doesn't make me bad. Much like someone with a potentially deadly disease takes their daily course of medications and/or treatments in order to maintain their wellness. Some people in a situation like that might curse to the heavens asking "why me??" But then, there's also some of the most serene and peaceful people practicing their self-care with an embrace free of that frustration and resentment. I once asked a studio guest who was in the process of going through intensive cancer treatments, "with all your health challenges, how do you smile so much and stay so positive?" Her reply: "Because I tried the alternative and it was miserable."
We have a beautiful opportunity to embrace our individual normals and dramatically change the course of struggle into something much less powerful. We will certainly have challenging days, everyone's "normal" does, but we practice a plan to help us through, another day.
Thank you for reading and your continued support,