June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

June 12th, 2014 Not My First Rodeo

My decision to come home last night and nap turned out to be a very good one. I headed to the studio not long after posting last night's edition and didn't get in bed until after 3:30am. I was back up at 5am nursing a cup of coffee and reassuring myself I would return immediately after my morning show for a much needed extended nap. I still prepared a good breakfast, even though--honestly, I didn't feel like doing anything other than sleep. I had a good show despite little sleep. It's strange, unless I'm "body breaking down" tired, I can turn it on when the On-Air light is lit.

Several months ago when my sleep apnea situation was at its worse, I was losing my ability to hide the effects on-air. Aside from the obvious negative physical and mental effects of exhaustion, the worsening of my voice and on air demeanor was one of the big wake up calls urging me to seek help quickly. I had numerous mornings back then when I'd wake up after several hours with a racing heartbeat, headache from oxygen deprivation and a feeling like I had been fighting for my life all night long. No wonder I didn't feel like taking care of myself in other ways. Eating well and exercising regularly was pretty far down the list of priorities. Possibly having a heart attack in the middle of the night suddenly became something I worried about all the time. When I finally said, "I can't do this anymore" and sought help, that's when this turnaround started. Granted, I wasn't back immediately--it did take some time, But wow---it feels amazing to be back where I am now after sliding so far down.

These days when my schedule turns horrible like it did last night and today, a good-quality nap gives me more energy than any amount of sleep back then. It was never the quantity, always the quality.

I wasn't able to get away from the studio until 10:30am. I came home, prepared a light snack and tried to settle down enough for sleep. It took me a little while, but I was finally able to get a solid 2.5 hour nap before preparing and packing a lunch and returning for a full afternoon in the production studio. I finished my production at 5:30pm then raced down the street to exchange my personal vehicle for the station vehicle in preparation for my location broadcast at the 101 Wild West Rodeo from 6-8pm. Time was tight. I still had to hurry home, change clothes, prepare a snack to hold me until a late dinner, then get to the arena by 6pm.

I cruised onto the rodeo grounds right on time as if I had casually made my way out. I literally had to stop and catch my breath at one point. Tonight was the opening night and it's marked by the opening night free rodeo barbecue. Here we are with the free food opportunities again! I didn't go near the tent housing the free food. And better than that, it wasn't a struggle to avoid. I had my plan in place. I brought some fruit and I knew a dinner I'd feel good about was waiting for me back at home. I remember last year...oh my...two people brought free barbecue sandwiches to the broadcast vehicle. I quietly ate one and a half of them last year. Nobody brought me sandwiches this year or maybe they did, but I was moving all around the arena, interviewing people and being active. Perhaps I missed the free food givers. Darn.

I wouldn't have taken a bite, not one. This clarity and focus, and bigger--this peace I'm feeling is something I don't ever want to lose. I could easily throw it away at anytime if I'm not doing the work needed to take the best care I can. This is a major difference for me. During my initial weight loss, I reached a point where I kind of felt invincible. It was a foolish belief and after walking that tight rope for longer than I should have, I did eventually fall. I don't feel invincible now. My attitude and perspective has shifted dramatically, but still--I have a much greater respect for the overall power of this thing. I seem to be doing what is working well for me today. And I pray I'll approach each day as one, and do those things again and again. Honestly, regaining a considerable amount of my initial loss is proving to be exactly what I needed, when I needed it.

My shoes were all muddy after trekking all over the outdoor arena and my plan to workout at the Y tonight looked as if it would be preceded by a good shoe washing and scrubbing. Or, I could go buy a new pair of shoes. I've needed a new pair for a while but I always hesitate to buy things even when I know I need them. Thank you muddy arena for pushing me toward doing something nice for myself!

I bought my shoes and headed home to change for the YMCA. I was feeling slightly hungry, like my metabolism burned up the fruit snack and was demanding something more. I prepared some fat/sugar free refried beans with a little green chili sauce and used Beanitos all natural pinto bean chips as the vehicle to get the dip into my face. Yes...I used beans to eat my beans. Interesting. It was delicious and exactly the protein I needed to get through my workout and home for dinner.

All of my food pictures and exercise excursions along with some occasionally humorous tweets, can be found and followed (if you're into that type of thing) by visiting www.twitter.com/seanaanderson  You do not need a twitter account to view my page and tweets.

Also, if you use MyFitnessPal like I do, then you're welcome to friend me there too! My food diary is set to public.

It's been a long day and even though I have another location broadcast at the rodeo tomorrow night and Saturday's location broadcast schedule runs 11am-8pm, I'm confident I'll stay prepared and ready for whatever comes along. The good news is, we're not expecting severe storms for a couple of days, so no sudden and complete wrecking of my sleep schedule! Now, if I can just get everything in that I want to do daily and still get to bed at a decent time. That remains one of my biggest challenges lately.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

June 4th, 2014 My Perfection Is Imperfection

June 4th, 2014 My Perfection Is Imperfection

Everyone is entitled to their opinion and beliefs, their passions; convictions. I'm very respectful of all people and I do my best to be gracious. When someone has something helpful for me in the way of advice or concern, I immediately recognize it as a positive. Last night's post was a perfect example. I couldn't be more grateful for the wonderful perspective Janis gifted me. And it was spot on.

This morning I received a direct Twitter message from someone in the UK who has read this blog often over the years. She wrote, "Hi Sean, I checked out your MyFitnessPal diary for a few days. You are vastly undereating. That can't last. You MUST nourish your body. That you are restricting shows you have an eating disorder or more properly, Eating Distress. Restricting your food intake so low won't help. I wish you all the best in your recovery. Please consider my words. God Bless."

I explained that I was aware that I had an eating disorder called food addiction. She went on to say that she doesn't believe in food addiction, only in food behavior addiction. She wasn't mean at all, in fact--she said "Sean, I wish you every good thing and deep flourishing! Take care of your precious self." She later added, "You're inspiring. Be nice to yourself. :)"

I'm sharing this, not in an effort to attack her, not at all. I believe she's 100% sincere and well intentioned. I'm sharing it because it had such a negative effect on me all day long. Why did I let this well intentioned advice get under my skin? I don't know.  What I do know is....

I'm at peace, more now than I've ever been in my entire 42 years. I feel a quiet and calm with food that I honestly thought was impossible for me to experience. I certainly don't feel like I'm under-eating at all. The only time I ever feel the slightest twinge of hunger is first thing in the morning, otherwise I'm perfectly comfortable. I eat three meals a day and anywhere from one to three snacks a day. When I workout I feel plenty of energy, like I feel my body getting stronger. The 1700 calorie budget seems to be serving me well. I had lost 25 pounds at my last weigh in (approximately 4 1/2 weeks worth-if my calculations are correct) and I understand that may seem like too much-too fast, but for someone with so much to lose I also know it's not uncommon for larger numbers up front. I feel exceptionally healthy. My sleep has also improved.

I'm the first to admit when I'm wrong, but everything about what I've been doing for almost two months feels so right for me.  Lord knows I'm not a dietitian, nutritionist, doctor or anyone else who knows better. I haven't studied the theories and nutrition books and websites or any of that stuff. I'm simply eating well. I'm eating better than I ever have in my entire life. I'm not binging and I'm 100% convinced that the nearly 100% abstinence from sugar has completely taken away the compulsions to binge. I'm not saying I'll never have them again, but for now, they're virtually non-existent. It's a beautiful peace, my friends.

I was stressing all day long, second guessing, frustrated--in a foul mood...and it didn't help that it was a long day at work. When I feel so right and good, I can't accept that what I'm doing is all wrong and bad. I called a support friend and professional late tonight for an impromptu session and she asked, "Why would you allow anyone to steal your serenity?" Good question.

I don't proclaim to have all the answers. I do not proclaim to be an expert. I'm just a guy who is doing the best I can. I'm taking good care of myself for a change. I want to live and experience life at a healthy weight. I'm tired of obesity. And for me, it seems my body naturally gravitates toward higher weights, especially if I do nothing. I'm very aware that for me, maintaining a healthy weight will require a diligent practice the rest of my life. And I'm finally at peace with that truth.

If this days worth of food doesn't look sufficient, it certainly feels so.

Breakfast

3 egg whites and 1 whole egg w/ 1 Laughing Cow Light Creamy Swiss wedge on a Jospeh's pita with a pear. 296 cal. pic.twitter.com/3CAHjtNmH0
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 4, 2014

Snack

Snack time. Yellow delicious apple and Swiss. 150 cal. pic.twitter.com/lsAKml7Je4
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 4, 2014

Lunch

Turkey and Swiss on a Joseph's pita dry grilled on the Foreman. With red grapes and strawberries. 404 cal. pic.twitter.com/DiueDXXT4M
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 4, 2014

Snack #2

Bean and cheese tostada! 155 cal. #snacktime pic.twitter.com/GvO0JoQA5v
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 4, 2014

Dinner

Two lean beef and cheese tacos with. Green chili sauce, 300 big calories of homemade guac, rice chips. 695 calories. pic.twitter.com/CHAu5WYnNr
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 5, 2014

Snack #3

Red seedless grapes (151g) 104 cal. #lastfoodofday pic.twitter.com/RjaywgZNk2
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) June 5, 2014

Perhaps my perspective will change someday, I'll get into lifting weights and I'll consume twice as many calories per day while training. But for now, this seems to be working well considering my level of activity.

It's interesting and somewhat of a coincidence that I actually went over my 1700 calorie budget today for the first time in nearly 50 days. I was adding my dinner into MyFitnessPal when I discovered a 50 calorie overage. Instead of immediately being consumed with panic and negative emotions, I calmly declared that it would likely end up about 150 over because I planned on some fruit while writing. I ended the day at 1,854.

I still felt a little tiny, itty bitty twinge of guilt for "breaking the bank," so to speak, but I didn't react irrationally, going off the deep end. It is what it is. I'm not perfect. I don't have to be. And that's all I have to say about that. Breaking the bank was actually good for my psyche. I did it and I handled it with love and compassion for myself. It's not a big deal and it doesn't mean I failed today. I did not fail today. Not at all.

Oh yeah--I didn't exercise today either. I gave myself permission to take a day off. My resolve is strong. My head is on straight. And I will proceed beautifully...Wonderfully right or pleasantly wrong.  My "perfection" is imperfection.

There were so many insightful and golden comments on yesterday's post. Thank you to everyone who added their thoughts and shared their experiences. I didn't have time to reply to each today, but I plan on going back tomorrow sometime and catching up.

My food diary is public on MyFitnessPal--username SeanAAnderson. My Twitter feed features pictures of everything I eat with calorie counts. These are tools of accountability for me.  A friend asked me if I was okay this evening and if I was feeling like a binge, and I replied--"If I do, you'll see it on my Twitter."

I feel fine.

Thank you for reading and your support. I likely have one less friend in the UK after this post, I hope not--I mean, she meant well--she just didn't know how her words would effect me. BUT I seriously need to get over the idea that I can somehow be pleasing to everybody. That's a lifelong thing for me--always wanting to be liked and loved...and sacrificing whatever to get it... even when it meant sacrificing what I believed in or what was best for me. NO MORE.  There are people who don't like me and that's okay!! In fact, you may be reading this now thinking-- man, I can't stand this guy... Good for you!! Different strokes for different folks, I suppose.

As far as my tendency to be a people pleaser, I know what my straight talking fellow blogging friend Christine at "A Deliberate Life" would say, "CUT THAT SH*T OUT!" Except she wouldn't use an asterisk.

Goodnight,
Strength,
Sean

May 23rd, 2014 It's Hard To Explain

May 23rd, 2014 It's Hard To Explain

It's hard to explain, really. This feeling of control, it's just been awhile since I felt this. It feels amazing. In the middle of the isolating and sneak eating, the binges and all that contributed to my weight gain, this seemed a million miles away. I was in deep. I'm not even sure I've accurately described just how deep. I'll try to be brief in this example:

I was on my way to a friend's house one night for a wonderful dinner. It was to be a nicely balanced, calorie friendly meal and of course I was on my best food behavior.  "No, thank you--no dessert for me!" What my friend and not another soul didn't know, was how I was lusting for a binge while driving across town for this dinner. And I wasn't salivating for the meal I was about to consume, I was fantasizing about the giant double cheeseburger and large ice cream shake I planned on buying later, after dinner. Now, take that actual happening and multiply it by, hmmmm... I don't know... a lot.

The kid at the drive-through had no idea he was playing the part of my dealer. Like a paranoid drug addict, I would literally look from side to side, back and forth--making sure nobody caught me while exchanging the money for the goods. I always waited to insert the straw into the shake until I was safely undercover, far from the well lit main drag, on the darkened residential back streets that lead back to my dungeon, I mean apartment. 

Driving slow and sucking in the first tastes of that high calorie dose of sugar and fat was always the best. Then, with each additional mouthful, it just wasn't as good.  Maybe I started mixing some guilt into that shake and a dash or two of shame. When the cup was empty, I'd feel like I was about to burst--completely miserable. The negative inner dialogue was relentless. Then, as if making a new deal with my abusive thoughts (I'd tell myself anything to make them stop), I'd sit in my recliner and promise myself it had been the last time. No more, no more, no more...because maybe if I grab control now, nobody will be the wiser about this--I'll return to my healthiest weight and take these dark secrets to my grave.  The next time would also be my last until the next time and so on. So much for taking the secrets to my grave. Weight gain is terrible at keeping secrets.

A wise person once said "You're only as sick as your secrets." Yeah...that.

----------------------------------
The schedule today included an early remote broadcast with two clients promoting a customer appreciation cook-out.  They had all of the expected items: Hot dogs, chips, cookies and soda. I was well prepared. I packed a turkey and provolone sandwich with plenty of fruit into my man-bag just before departing for the event. I wasn't the least bit interested in the food they were offering. I wasn't, not even a little bit.  It was as if I was a completely different person.  Suddenly I've become someone who plans ahead, sticks to my plan and doesn't negotiate with errant thoughts.  But there wasn't any errant thoughts today. Just peace and calm.
I waited until it was a good time to eat lunch and I dined right there at the broadcast. I politely declined repeated offers and encouragement to indulge, "Hey, those dogs are hot off the grill--doesn't get any better, you should get you one." No thanks, I brought my own food. "We got cookies!" I see that, yes, yes you do. "You want half of my Doritos?"  Nope, I'm good, thank you! This experience left me feeling enormously grateful for the strength that is nothing short of an answer to a desperate prayer.

I enjoyed some good snacks later in the day, took a little nap and made my way to the YMCA for a solid workout on the elliptical. I must look half-crazy on that thing, lip syncing to the music that moves me--but I can't play air-instruments because my entire body is involved in the workout. I get so into it, I don't even notice if anyone else notices my antics. And I don't even care.  Even if they did, I don't imagine a negative reaction--quite the contrary, it would probably be something like, "Wow, look at him go, he's really into his workout! Good for him!" 

Trying to decide on dinner tonight was a little challenging. I had some things at home but it wasn't what I wanted. I wanted to grill out. It's Memorial Day Weekend after all! I put my ear buds back on and headed into the grocery store as Walk Off The Earth's REVO filled me with positive energy. I grabbed some veggies to grill, some fruit for "dessert," a pre-cut bag of shoestring all natural sweet potato fries and a top sirloin I found on sale for $2.88!  Dinner was on. And it was good. 610 calories worth. I couldn't eat it all and ended up adjusting the calories down to 580.

I'll be up late tonight working on the final preparations for a wedding reception I'll be DJ'ing tomorrow evening.  I don't usually do mobile dj work, but a friend recently gifted me his old equipment and when he declined the date, he told them to call me. For some strange reason I said yes. Oh yeah, they offered to pay me, that's why. Just between these pages, I honestly don't like doing mobile dj work. It's completely different than what I do on the radio. I don't feel very confident in my dj'ing ability, is what I'm saying. But I accepted the gig and I shall give them my best.  I mean, it is one of the most special days of this couple's entire life, I suppose I better give it everything I got.  I plan on packing a good, portable dinner tomorrow evening. I don't want to be caught off guard by the wedding reception buffet.

Again, I'm pleasantly surprised by this fantastic feeling of control, purpose and positive spirit. The recent identity-self-worth epiphanies have been working their magic on me. I spend a lot of time alone and usually I don't like it at all.  But you know what? I'm digging it. Suddenly and effortlessly, I don't mind being alone as much. In fact, I kinda like me a lot. It's like getting better acquainted with a long lost friend you promised yourself you'd take the time to get to know someday.

You're welcome to follow me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson I post pictures and calorie counts of every bite of food I eat.  It's an extreme accountability measure. And I don't say "extreme" in a negative way. It's simply working well for me.  And something important to remember--I don't post the pics as an example of what anyone else should eat. I wouldn't do that. What I like and what you like may very well be two different things completely.  And if you're also on this road, I believe it's important to eat what you like.  I do find myself taking extra time and care in preparation of my food--and plating it nicely for the camera...and that's nothing but good because it slows me down and allows me to enjoy my meals and snacks even more. The food picture Tweets have been an invaluable tool of my recovery.  If you enjoy that type of thing (the food pics), then awesome, it's a win-win!

I'm also on MyFitnessPal under the user name: SeanAAnderson  I welcome you to friend request me there as well. One of my MFP friends pointed out today that my stats still say "0 pounds lost." It does because I haven't updated the weights in there. I've used MFP strictly for logging my food and exercise. I suppose I could sit down and go through entering all of the different weights in order to get an accurate profile display, but I just haven't had the time. I may do that sometime over this holiday weekend.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 20th, 2014 Always Learning and Doing What Works

May 20th, 2014 Always Learning and Doing What Works

If you're just now tuning in, reading only the latest entries, then you might think: Wow, this Sean guy has it all figured out! That would be a very incorrect assumption. I don't have it all figured out but I'm doing my best everyday. I've established support and an ultra high level of accountability. I'm doing what works for me.

The thought of committing to a writing schedule and tweeting pictures of every single bite might seem excessive and unnecessary to some. For me, it's the reason why I'm actually looking forward to getting on the scale tomorrow. After twenty years of being near, at or above 500 pounds, I tasted the freedom a healthy body weight provides and it lasted for about a year and a half before I fell into the same patterns of my past. Emotional circumstances, life changes and so many variables accompanied the weight gain that has brought me back today. The biggest lesson I've learned is all about denial of addiction and how just when you start thinking you've got it all figured out, you must check yourself, and check yourself fast.

The emotional epiphanies of late have been nothing short of ground breaking for me.  I'm re-building a foundation for myself. A foundation that will support a lifetime of recovery and all of the wonderful freedom it and a healthy body weight affords. And this will be a life work. There isn't a finish line. Why would there be? So I can turn around and go back the other way? Acceptance and peace with the knowledge of what I must do to remain successfully in recovery is what it's all about. Instead of dread, I feel relief. I feel relieved because I've found hope and promise for a better life when I was seriously starting to doubt I could ever recover.

At my darkest points along the way, I came real close to shutting everything off.  Deleting this blog entirely, deleting my Facebook account and doing my best to put this part of my life behind me. I was that close to giving up.  But time and time again, just as I was about to hit "delete all," an email would come from Jon in Wisconsin with a link to his Spark People blog where he had written about how my journey had inspired him. Days would go by and I'd reach a point of desperation again--just wanting to isolate, be alone--shut everything down and accept that this seemingly hopeless trek was determined to take me out, then I'd open my email and find this:

Hello sean

I hope you still pick up your emails on this account.
I picked up your blog on day 1 and I have not put it down since.  I'm currently on day 142.  I have followed your methods every step of the way and I'm achieving some fantastic results.

The main thing I wanted to email you about was to say

Thank you for saving my life

All the way from the UK
Nick 

The moment I opened Nick's email on my phone, I was sitting in the drive through line at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store waiting on a thousand calorie dose of my preferred drug and hoping nobody in line or any of the employees recognized me as "that guy who lost all that weight and wrote that book and wow, he's put on some weight." If Nick only knew where I am right now, not just physically--in this drive through--but mentally and emotionally--he would likely be shocked, I thought. 

Realizing that I had no idea who or how many might be reading some of the over 820 postings in the archive of this blog, there's no way I could just delete everything. I couldn't do it. And I'm glad I didn't. My hope is, someone like Nick might keep reading and learn from not only my success, but my relapse and recovery.  

We all want long term results. None of us start out thinking, hey--I'd like to get down to a healthy weight to see what it's like--just so I'll know--then I'll be back.  What I'm doing now is what I must to take the best care of me and experience not just long term results, I want long term recovery...that's the goal.  

And isn't it poetic that some of the people expressing gratitude toward me, have actually played a key role in my turnaround? I'm enormously grateful for their support.

Today was a fantastic day in several ways. I'm constantly trying new ways to carefully plan and prepare my food.  Something as simple as dry grilling my sandwich on a Foreman Grill at lunch today, adds variety and a little excitement to my food plan. I enjoyed an appetizer before dinner tonight: Mushroom Pizza Cap! I love these things.  I took a large mushroom cap, filled the center with 1/2 a serving of sugar free marinara and a slice of mozzarella--and baked it until the cheese started to brown. It's one of the most delicious 123 calories of recent memory. Of course I LOVE mushrooms! I've found a lot of people don't.

It's like a mushroom pizza without the crust! I eat it with a knife and fork...and napkins.

My workouts on the orange trimmed elliptical at the YMCA have been progressively better.

I shall now proceed to own this machine. And not a "I broke it and they made me pay for it" type owning. #sweaton pic.twitter.com/5btsvZYxKu
— Sean Anderson (@SeanAAnderson) May 19, 2014

The biggest victory for me has been walking into the Y with complete confidence and not a shred of the emotions I wrote about not too long ago.  Those fears and emotions were a big hurdle to get over and I just said a prayer, walked in and did what I needed to do. I've since ran into several people I know--many whom I exercised alongside during my initial weight loss--and NOT ONE has given me anything but the most supportive words and sometimes it's just a smile. I'm happy to see them again too.

Thank you for reading and being so wonderfully supportive. If something I've written in these pages has helped you in some way, that's such a wonderful thing to me. It's precious to me, really. I'm just learning. I'll never stop learning along this road.

For the complete food picture tweet stream, follow me on Twitter @SeanAAnderson  I keep a food and exercise journal on MyFitnessPal and you're welcome to join me there too. My username is: SeanAAnderson

I'm looking forward to weighing tomorrow and sharing it with you on my next post.

Thank you for reading,

Strength,

Sean

May 19th, 2014 The Secret To Happiness

May 19th, 2014 The Secret To Happiness

The thing I've focused on the most the last several days has proven to be a wonderful exploration.  It is, in short, the secret to happiness. Millions have figured it out already and they live it every day. Millions struggle with understanding it and they spend years, sometimes a lifetime in pursuit of it. The thing about loving and caring for the constants within us, the things that can't ever be taken from us, the elements making us who we are deep down no matter what comes or goes in this life is a key to emotional freedom.

I think about the man in India who lives with his wife and kids in what can best be described as a tent.  He gets up everyday and walks for miles into the city where he pulls a rickshaw, transporting tourist and business people for 8-12 hours a day. Then he walks home and has dinner (usually white rice and anything else they can afford) with the family he loves. He's one of the happiest people you'll ever meet.

I think about the person who was able bodied their entire life before a drunk driver rendered them a quadriplegic. Yet, some of these people who have had so much taken away from them, are transformed into some of the most inspirational, positive and fascinatingly happy people in this world.

I believe that people who find and live their happiness are doing so, because they're connected to the core qualities within them that can never be taken away. Whoever first said "happiness must come from within," this is what they meant.

If we tether our identity, self-worth, definition of success and happiness to anything that naturally fluctuates or can change dramatically, then we're in for a roller coaster ride of emotional unrest.

I've always attached my self-worth to my weight. Well, until now of course. I've often talked about potential and not living up to potential. But here's the thing: Potential is tied directly to the constant qualities within us and if our focus is on the pursuit of happiness in every direction except within, then those qualities aren't allowed to flourish, to grow--to give life to the potential within us all.

This whole thing makes me want to take the best care I can. I've never felt more determined to return to a healthy weight. It's what I need physically. What I need emotionally isn't affected by weight loss. And making that distinction provides a nice inner calm, a peace.

The question to determine these inner qualities needing attention and love is: What are the qualities in me that remain regardless of my weight, regardless of my financial situation, regardless of my relationship status, regardless of my professional success--what about me stays the same when all of these other things can and do change?  My heart, soul, sense of humor, natural compassion for others, likes and dislikes, pride in parenting, artistic talents, selflessness, humility, etc. Have you made your list?  And when these constants are cared for and loved, watered, so to speak--they grow, they flourish--and they give us what we need to experience emotional freedom, the freedom and ability to claim our happiness come what may.

----------------------------
I slept on my shoulder a little too long in the same position again. I started the day with a hurt shoulder and at some point during my radio show, it severely affected my neck. Suddenly I became feverish and nauseated. I took a half day off and took care of me. In all, I've had Aleve, a muscle relaxer, a massage and a coating of an Icy Hot like product that is still working. Working well enough in fact, that I was able to go to the YMCA and absolutely crush my workout on the elliptical.

On the way home from the Y, I stopped to visit with my grandson Noah. We had fun, talked a little to one another (me mostly talking to him--but give him a little while) and he made a point to fill my phone protector with drool...and that's okay! Because his drool is precious. Oh my goodness, I love that little guy.

I prepared a great dinner tonight, completed my MyFitnessPal entries for the day, Tweeted my #lastfoodofday and wrote this blog.  I'm ready to call it a great day.

You're welcome to follow me on Twitter, @SeanAAnderson   And friend me on MyFitnessPal: Username- SeanAAnderson.  My Facebook is www.facebook.com/seananderson505

I'm very grateful for many things.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean


My grandson Noah. Now there's a happy little guy!

May 18th, 2014 Sean 1, Buffet 0

May 18th, 2014 Sean 1, Buffet 0

I remember not too long ago when I felt so far removed from any semblance of control. In that place it seems so hopeless and scary.  I'm grateful to be where I am today.  I feel strong and determined, like in the beginning of this blog.  It's a new day and I deserve to feel great.  You do too.

I visited mom this evening and we dined at a buffet. I wasn't the least bit inclined to do anything other than stick to the plan.  I selected a small lean sirloin, one slice of turkey breast, green beans, sauteed mushrooms, fresh strawberries, pear slices and a serving of cottage cheese with two crackers.  My meal checked in at 559 calories. I added 15 calories for a non dairy creamer cup for my after dinner coffee and conversation with mom and my aunt Kelli and her husband Tim. Kelli has lost 50 pounds in the last year by simply eliminating sugary soft drinks. Way to go Kelli!

I picked up some fruit and eggs from the grocery department at Braum's Ice Cream and Dairy Store on the way home, then stopped at Walgreens for some paper towels. Both of these places have been my "dealer" at one time or another.  It feels good to walk in, buy what I'm after and be proud of my choices for a change. I'm sure it's confusing for some of the regular employees, "No ice cream tonight?"  No thank you, I got what I want and need.

I came home and decided to walk around my apartment community for a half hour. The weather has been beautiful here--perfectly cool for a nice neighborhood stroll.

I did a little cleaning tonight, planned out some food for tomorrow and I'm headed to bed!

Good day!  By the way, I've explained the recent identity/self love revelation to a couple of people over the weekend and they related to it in a powerful way too.  Lord knows it isn't something "new," but truly understanding how it works--experiencing the "click," after not properly understanding this my entire life has left me feeling renewed and even more empowered.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 17th, 2014 I Haven't Been The Same

May 17th, 2014 I Haven't Been The Same

It's been over 48 hours since the epiphany on the way to the YMCA that I wrote about in the May 15th post. And I still can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I was given a secret to a great mystery. This concept I discussed as it applies to me is universal too. This will be my TED Talk someday. Oh yeah, I don't think I've ever expressed my dream of speaking at a TED Conference. It will happen sometime within the next five years. I've envisioned it in detail, watching my imagination's best version.  I'm 100% serious.

Once understood, finding the core of who I am and have always been required a simple question: What are the qualities in me that do not change?  If I'm 500 pounds or 230 pounds, what positive attributes do I possess at both of those weights?  The same question can be applied to other things, example: If I won the lottery tomorrow, what positive qualities about me would remain from my previous financial existence? These core qualities are the ones with us through it all.  Stability and certainty, instability and uncertainty.  The list includes not only the way our brain works through compassion, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. It also includes our likes and dislikes, our roles as parents and grandparents--the things that bring us joy and peace, love and laughter. These things are often overlooked because identity and self-worth has been attached to something that fluctuates.

My identity and self-worth was always hooked onto my weight. Someone else's identity and self-worth might be tied to their bank account.  And another's might be tied to whether or not they perceive their current station in life as stable or unstable. Still another's might rely on the progression of their career. All of these things fluctuate. And through it all, we're still who we are within our core qualities.

In order for these core qualities to flourish and enrich our lives to the fullest, they must be loved and nurtured like watering a plant. If they're neglected, they wilt and wither. I believe this is from where the expression "I feel dead inside" comes.  And when identity and self worth is attached to anything else, these positive attributes get neglected on both sides of whatever is fluctuating. When the changing source of identity and self-worth is moving in a positive direction, we feel great about ourselves. And when the source is moving in a negative direction we feel worse about ourselves. Then we get into a tug of war, constantly battling to feel good.

We've all heard, "Happiness must come from within."  Now I understand how that can happen and I understand how it doesn't happen when we rely on external things that change.  Money doesn't buy happiness. Losing weight doesn't magically fix us. Getting the big promotion or settling down into a relationship doesn't do it either. We're truly free when our identity and self-worth is authentically attached to the core qualities of who we are.  And the best thing?? It can NEVER be taken away from us, no matter what.

About today...

I've never felt more determined to take the best care of me than I do right now. And taking the best care will ultimately result in a healthy body weight once again.

I didn't plan my food very well today, that's for sure. I ate well, don't get me wrong--but I ending up skipping lunch, had an early dinner and found I had 524 calories remaining afterward. Then I was asked by a friend to be the designated driver for their wedding party, and I accepted the responsibility--not eating another thing until I returned home after midnight.  My #lastfoodofday was a turkey burger with onion, swiss and a Laughing Cow French Onion wedge and I still ended the day with 151 calories unclaimed in the Calorie Bank and Trust account.  I'll plan better tomorrow!

It was a great day for many reasons. I got up and caught up on a few emails, read some other blogs, took care of some business at the bank and post office, then went into work to catch up on a few things before heading to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the trusty elliptical.

I'm telling you--since this whole identity-self worth thing hit on Thursday night, I haven't been the same person. My friend whom I was driving tonight asked me, "Have you been drinking?"  No!! Is the change in me that noticeable?? Perhaps I'm a little giddy. And you know why?

It's because I've spent my entire life not understanding how to genuinely love myself and just be okay. And please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I've figured it all out, but I'm exploring areas and things long forgotten, things sacrificed by the pursuit of fulfillment in all the wrong places.

Now I'm contemplating a very exciting question: What can I accomplish now that my strongest embrace is around the things that matter most? Redefining the list of things that make me worthy of all things good is like giving myself permission to soar, no matter the direction of the wind.

As I continue my journey back to a healthier body weight and beyond, I've put into place some high accountability tools. I've committed to tweeting a picture, description and calorie count of anything and everything I eat.  And I'm keeping the Calorie Bank up to date with a MyFitnessPal food and exercise log.
Join me on Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson And SeanAAnderson on MyFitnessPal.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 5th, 2014 What If?

May 5th, 2014 What If?

I woke up this morning with painful cramps. I knew exactly what happened. I swallowed some of the air from my cpap machine. I still felt better rested than before this new mask, but obviously there was an issue at some point in the night.  I felt the cramps until mid afternoon before they subsided.  What's strange is not having these issues previous nights and then all of a sudden it's an issue.  I'll pay close attention to this and hopefully it doesn't become a major problem.

I'm still thinking about the dynamics explored in Saturday's post. The simplified epiphany for me is in the form of questions. Once again these questions employ the subjunctive, the what would happen if...At least applying these to the future is much better than what would have happened if I hadn't done X...

What if I loved myself as much as I am loved by my mother, daughters and other family? What if I didn't look in the mirror and harshly judge my appearance? What would it be like if I wasn't compelled to look in the rear view mirror, criticizing almost every turn along the way? What would happen if I fully, unconditionally embraced me--and stopped negatively comparing where I am to where I've imagined?  What if I woke up tomorrow and decided to take the best care, not because it's what I need to do, but because I truly deserve nothing less and because I want to do this, for me. What if I stopped caring about what others think of me, dropping the self-imposed shame and embarrassment that comes so easily where I am?  What if I believed in me on the same level as some of my biggest supporters?  What would happen if I set myself free?  What kind of internal revolution would be released, transforming my heart, mind, body and soul? You want to talk about a transformation?  That would be a transformation!  And here we are, standing on the edge of imagination asking what if?  I say we go for the ultimate transformation, turning what if into reality then asking what now? Anything is possible.

These thoughts have been freeing to me the past 48 hours.  I've felt empowered, stronger than I have in a long time.

I've had some interesting prayers and meditations lately. And I don't write too often about that side of things because it's so personal and private; an individual thing, our spirituality, unique to each of us. I'll just say, it's helped me tremendously to reconnect.

You're welcome to follow along in my public food and exercise diary on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson.  And nearly every piece of food that crosses my lips is photographed and shared on Twitter, most of the time with a calorie count.  Now that might seem obsessive to some and I'll be honest--I was very hesitant to start but I'm glad I did. It isn't about "Hey look at what I'm eating" or "look at how I prepared this!"  No, not at all.  It's about my personal accountability factor. Regardless if it helps anyone else, it's doing amazing things for me.  Even if I'm the only one who sees them--those tweets are powerful to me, for me.  If you're curious and you want to see, simply visit www.twitter.com/seanaanderson

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 4th, 2014 A Good Sunday

May 4th, 2014 A Good Sunday

I took some time to prepare my breakfast just right this morning.  I enjoyed the process, a much better experience than inhaling a bag of whatever from a drive through. It requires me to slow down and enjoy my food, from preparation to the plate.  I love making omelets. I take enormous pride in my omelet making skills. My uncle Jimmy taught me how to make an omelet when I was a pre-teen and I've never lost the touch.  I once entertained the idea of offering fresh omelet making services of some kind, somewhere--that's how much I love making them.  A well prepared omelet is like a work of art.

I visited a little bit with my oldest daughter Amber this morning before heading to the grocery store for a few things.  I tend to gravitate toward a standard list.  I'm such a creature of habit. If you browse the food pics on Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) you'll notice I'm pretty much a taco fanatic.  Beef tacos, chicken tacos, turkey tacos--I've even tried my own version of fish tacos and a scrambled egg filled breakfast taco.  I'm out of Joseph's Pita's for a bit and I couldn't find any today, so I may need to order from www.netrition.com   I swear Joseph's Bakery doesn't pay me a dime to promote their 60 calorie pitas!! Although they did send me a nice hand written letter and a complimentary case of pitas a few years ago.

I came home, prepared a turkey burger and an extra large helping of sweet potato fries and watched a documentary on screen writing.  I only made it half way through the documentary when I paused and started thinking about yesterday's experience.

This is why I write this blog--I needed to write what I did yesterday for me to make a better connection with it all.  Those kinds of deep explorations happen around here occasionally.

I enjoyed a different kind of fish tonight, Swai and some jumbo shrimp.  I wasn't too impressed with the Swai. I had never heard of it before. Apparently it's a catfish or a close cousin to the catfish. It was fairly inexpensive, so I thought I might as well give it a shot.  I'll explore other methods of preparation and serving because I have the rest of the bag in the freezer.

After another 1.7 mile walk tonight, I headed over to see Noah.  Noah will be 10 months old on Tuesday! Seeing him always reminds me of one of the big reasons taking the best care of myself is critically important. I want to have a long and wonderful relationship with him.

It's late and my new mask awaits! I've been sleeping a lot better with this new cpap mask. It's a BIG difference.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

I slept horribly last night. I made it to work looking half dead on a morning I needed to be at my best and somehow I made it through and did well.  I had nine in studio guests and one special co-host this morning. I have no idea how I got through the show. I suppose after 26 years I've learned how to "fake it" when I'm not feeling my best.  I doubt anyone listening could tell, and that's good.  My in studio guests had to have noticed; I was rough.

I've employed the same strategy with this sleep issue.  It's something I should have addressed a very long time ago, instead I put it off--pretended to be okay, sought therapy and when it didn't work, carried on pretending I could be fine, while the effects of sleep deprivation were wreaking havoc on me in multiple ways.  Just as we say "never give up" with our weight loss efforts, I declared the same on this sleep disorder.  I reached a point where it was breaking me down, making everything harder and becoming an immediate hazard to everything important in my world.

Yesterday I ran around trying to get everything done and I missed my opportunity to get my sleep monitor reading and some kind of suggested solution. Today I did make it in and the statistics clearly supported the obvious effects on my face, or is it the other way around?  Anyway, for whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mouth closed during the night--and that's a must with most cpap masks.  An open mouth, even just a slight bit, is enough for the positive air pressure to escape thus rendering the therapy pretty much useless. Tonight I'll try a full face mask. I can't wait to experience the difference good sleep will make in my day to day.  It really doesn't matter if my mouth droops open while using the full mask. Considering I've been a lifelong nighttime drooling kind of guy, I probably should have had a full mask from day 1.

It's strange to say what I'm about to say, but I'll say it because it's true: I didn't feel much like eating today.  I know! Strange! I fell a little short of my 1700 calorie budget, checking in at 1544.  I didn't do a mid-morning or mid-afternoon snack. The urge to eat didn't occur. I still ate well today.  Despite feeling completely exhausted, I held my ground on food--because I wasn't having any compulsions to do otherwise.  That's a good thing.  I don't understand it, but I'm not complaining.

You're invited to take a peek at my daily food pics on Twitter. Most all of them get posted--simply follow @SeanAAnderson
My corresponding food and exercise diary is online too at MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

The best thing I can do right now is fall into bed.

Goodnight and thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

April 30th, 2014 The Importance of Importance Level

April 30th, 2014 The Importance of Importance Level

If you enter the term "Importance Level" into the search box at the top of this blog, you'll get back a bunch of results. I've written about it many times because it is crucial to my recovery and success. Importance level isn't defined by words. It's defined by actions.  Deliberate actions.  And speaking from experience, it's something that can easily slip long before we're even aware of the slippage. That's why I'm being extra diligent, extra aware--you can even say the word "obsessed," that's cool with me, because if you're going to be obsessed about something, taking extraordinary care has the fewest drawbacks.

Documenting my food intake through the MyFitnessPal diary and food pics with calorie counts on Twitter has been an added diligent practice I didn't do while initially losing weight. I didn't even write things down back then, opting instead to keep track of my calories in my head with a running total always front and center in my brain.  It worked.  I was wildly successful without these added accountability tools.  I need them now. It's interesting, with most anything else, once you successfully do it, subsequent times are usually easier.  Maintaining a balance with food and exercise, losing weight as a result and taking extraordinary care seem to be something of the opposite. These added tools are important for me.

My Wednesday was a little more stressful because it was the last day of the month. I navigated the calorie budget well, stayed busy and still found time to take care of me.  It was late by the time I hit the walking trail, and I almost took another pass--until I realized, wait a second--I took a pass yesterday, I can't take another.  If the schedule is putting me on the trail at 9:30pm, when I need to be in bed--then I need to take more control of the schedule.  I decided that even if I only made it around once (.83 miles), it would still be a victory.  Once I got out there, I made it around twice and back to the car for 1.7 miles.  Bonus!

Backing up a little-- I had a quick grocery shopping trip in the middle of the day and I tried something a little different.  I put in my ear buds and listened to music that motivates and inspires me, while I shopped.  I turned it off when I got in line, of course--but the effect while shopping was fantastic.  I zipped in, right past all the stuff I didn't need and straight to the things I was after.  Nothing, no errant thoughts or compulsions--just feeling good and motivated, inspired while grabbing what I needed...and nothing I didn't.  I think I may take more and more musical grocery shopping trips.

Last night's dinner out was interesting and challenging. I had a planned dinner at an Italian restaurant--and it was complimentary, so how could I say no?  Well, actually I could have said no.  But I was confident I could navigate the selections well. The first thing that comes to mind is to be extra cautious and I was. I ordered a grilled chicken breast and grilled shrimp. I had a tomato based chicken and veggie soup as an appetizer.  When the plate arrived it looked loaded.  The chicken was buried under tomatoes, mozzarella and what appeared to be severely under-cooked bacon.  The side of spaghetti with a simple tomato and spice sauce looked much worse than it was.  I enjoyed the chicken breast minus all the stuff loaded on top, the shrimp and part of the spaghetti. I left feeling confident about my choices and my calorie budget was intact--barely, but intact none the less.  There are some things I could have done differently to make it easier and I'll implement those things the next time I'm offered a complimentary meal in the middle of a calorie bank minefield.

Another good day in the books. Thursday promises to be much less stressful and that's good!  I have a special guest on my show Thursday morning from Serbia. He's in town to study our chamber of commerce and tourism department. Looking forward to the show!

If you're inclined, you can follow me on Twitter: @SeanAAnderson Twitter is where I post the majority of my food pics along the way.  MyFitnessPal username is SeanAAnderson --where I keep a food/menu and exercise diary.

My importance level is very high!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

What's Going On With Me? Part Two

What's Going On With Me? Part Two

There's an interesting psychological dynamic that unfolds when you lose a dramatic amount of weight and then gain some of it back, or a lot of it back.  I'm convinced this dynamic is exactly what makes successfully losing again seem more difficult. Suddenly, it becomes much more than controlling our calorie budgets, exercising and paying attention to our emotional state and the accompanying triggers. Now, we must do a little more "mental work" as we do our best to get past the guilt, shame and embarrassment associated with weight gain and put our focus squarely where it's most benefiting. This dynamic is powerful no matter if you blogged about your weight loss and wrote a book or not.

I was in line at the grocery store the other day, fighting the urge to grab a dose of sugar, when a man came up behind me in line and said, "Sean Anderson, I read your book. You've gained some back."  Two things happened in that moment: 1. I immediately lost any desire to grab a Snickers bar and 2. I felt a rush of guilt, shame and embarrassment.  Now, most people operate with a better set of filters. This scenario has played out more than a few times, but usually the other person doesn't vocalize the obvious.  Even when the obvious isn't stated, I'm real good at deciding exactly what they're thinking. The silent-mental conclusion is always much more harsh and unforgiving and likely inaccurate.

How will I ultimately overcome this added obstacle? Perspective. Shifting my perspective is paramount to my success today.

Inventory time!  This is where I make a list of good and not as good, qualities...and you know what?  I'll spare you the self-indulgent list and cut to the chase: Turns out I'm a pretty decent guy. Yay for that!

I'm human. I'm real. I don't know everything. I'm always open to learning.  And the things I'm learning now are things crucial to my long term success.  I'm not saying weight gain after a dramatic loss was a good thing, but if I shift my perspective around I can clearly see where I can learn from and benefit from this experience.

As this blog moves forward, I'm going to get into more of a "diary" type mode, much like in the beginning. Less "here's what I think" and more "Here's what I did and am doing." I'm excited at the idea of getting back to the roots of this blog.  Back to a diary in the purest sense. You see, I tend to suffer from paralysis by analysis. I try to understand things from every angle, take it apart, dissect the elements, reach conclusions, maybe write about my personal philosophical conclusions and then when I struggle, it's back to the drawing board.  We can study ourselves and learn, learn, learn--the applying part is the critical step that's often times hindered by the exhaustive analysis.

Much like advice I've given a hundred times to others: It's time to stop trying to figuring everything out and just do. Just be. And be okay. And move forward.  After all, much of what I learned while losing 275 pounds, I learned along the way.  Had I stopped back then to "study" it all, I would have never experienced the initial success.

Taking better care of me is critical.  The sleep issue is my main focus and concern. My appointment Thursday with the sleep specialist resulted in a prescription for Nuvigil (thank you for the suggestion, Joe!) And some suggested "positional therapy." The bottom line was: Get fit and this will dramatically improve or become a non-issue.  I told him how even at 230 I was having serious sleep issues.  He then asked, "How fit were you at 230?"  Mmmmm... And I asked, "Are you suggesting I need muscle, work out with weights?" And he told me it could make a major difference.  Body composition is important to this issue. It certainly makes sense.  And once again I'm reminded of the awesome responsibility I have in taking better care.  It's all up to me. I've understood this for awhile, cementing in my mind during the initial weight loss. It's interesting how another issue comes along and it becomes convenient to overlook this part. It is up to me.  I can dramatically improve my life.  Basically, I can choose change before change chooses me.  Yes, it all comes back to this very real truth.

I hope you have a wonderful Easter weekend!

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean

Chasing Endorphins

Chasing Endorphins

I hadn't made it a quarter mile when the burning in my legs started whining. I decided to focus on the music and not my legs. Would I get a 5K in this evening? Probably not and that's okay. I'm not back there just yet. At about the 3/4 mile point I noticed my legs feeling better and stronger. I was determined to make it at least 1.7 miles. By the time the 2nd lap of the trail was finished, I was so into my music and feeling good--I pushed it another lap, ending with a solid 2.64 miles. That's fantastic. I honestly felt like stopping that first 1/4 mile, but as I alternated between air guitar and air drums, I was thinking about how it was when I first embarked on this trail September 15th, 2008 at 505 pounds. I only made it 1/4 mile on that first day because I was convinced another step further would literally kill me. I knew pushing it tonight wouldn't kill me and I was after those mood altering endorphins. And I got 'em, I got 'em good.

I left the trail feeling accomplished. I felt proud and happy. I made it to the store, picked up a few ingredients I needed to prepare dinner and I cooked a meal I felt good about.

Today was a good day. The choices I made alleviated the familiar struggle I often feel in the evenings. Morning to late afternoon is often the easiest time of day for me because it's more structured with my work schedule. The evening is up to me. And when there aren't any boundaries and I'm free to navigate my evening in whatever way I choose--that's when it's the toughest.

I confided in a friend recently about how I felt like I was on the verge of a calorie bank meltdown. Instead, on that particular evening, I went to bed uncharacteristically early (7:10pm), thus avoiding what felt inevitable. It wasn't a bad move, really. I did what I felt I needed to do in that moment in order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget. But after tonight, I must question, had I exercised, how would I have felt at 7pm that particular evening? I'm betting I would have been in a much stronger mindset, influenced by the bio-chemical reactions released by exercise.

It's a positive momentum dynamic. I exercise, I feel better, I struggle less (or not at all) and I ultimately feel great about my choices. And good inspires more of the same. I must keep this in mind the next time I'm on the fence about whether or not to exercise.

I'm a pro at finding fantastic reasons why I shouldn't exercise on any particular day. Granted, I've had legitimate circumstances for a while now because of my sleep issues. But now that these are being treated, I'm getting more rest. And suddenly a long work day doesn't seem like a good enough escape clause. And why would I avoid exercise anyway? I do quite often. But I can't recall ever regretting a good workout. Isn't that interesting? I always feel better afterward. Always. And since I listen to my favorite tunes while I'm doing it, I'm actually having a blast, (see the air guitar and air drums reference above.) I've even went so far as to play air piano, air violin and air upright base.  Will somebody see me? (Somebody did this evening--I know, because they mentioned it on my facebook post) I don't care if they see me! This is what I mean when I talk about becoming "lost in the music." This is why I prefer to workout alone. My exercise time is my time to dream within the rhythm of the songs that inspire me. I've compromised before, trying not to embarrass my walking partner: I would often curb my enthusiasm. I will not curb my enthusiasm ever again! So if you've ever asked me to walk with you and I haven't accepted, please don't take it personal. It's just me being me...gloriously me!  

I've noticed a major positive difference since declaring to be more self-compassionate. The guilt and shame of regain is pretty much gone. I give an incredible amount of credit to the numerous people who have come forward, sharing their own stories of regain. Feelings of shame and guilt prefer to be alone for optimal growth. And because so many have shared with me their stories and their hope, I know I'm not alone, ever.
Getting back on track has been another big factor in alleviating the brutally abusive thoughts and resulting emotions. I know where I'm headed. And it feels good to be going in a positive direction. The hopeless feelings of a downward spiral always feel that way because of the decent. When we're back up and moving in a positive direction we suddenly realize there is hope after all.

I better wrap this up. I've enjoyed some wonderful perspectives on facebook recently. The other day I posted:

"I've heard from several people recently who have told me they're “starting over." First, realize you're not completely starting over. Now, you're armed with new information about yourself—some you may not have considered before now. Every “failed” weight loss attempt in my life wasn't a failure, it was a teacher. With this new perspective--approach with simplicity, confidence, and joy. And know: This time will be unlike any other because the focus is heavy on YOU and the real changes you desire,—the ones you once thought impossible...they're not, they're yours for the choosing."

Michael Prager, Author of "Fat Boy, Thin Man" commented:
 "I start over every morning, regardless of how yesterday went. I only have today."

Isn't that the most wonderful perspective we can embrace? What if we let go of yesterday and fully embraced today? Now, if yesterday was awesome, then fine---but still, today is all we have. Truly, this is a one day at a time road we're traveling.

I invite you to friend me on Facebook: www.facebook.com/seananderson505 On Twitter: @SeanAAnderson and on My Fitness Pal: SeanAAnderson

I keep most of my food pics and "in the moment" type stuff on twitter. I micro-blog and interact on facebook and I log my daily calorie bank, exercise and water consumption on My Fitness Pal.  And of course, this blog is...well, you're here...

Thank you for reading,
Goodnight and...
Strength,
Sean

Of Clarity and Perspective

Of Clarity and Perspective

Just a day after my Monday appointment, I received the call about my sleep study results, including the pressure needed and the home health prescription. The same day, the home health place called and starting working on my insurance company about getting me a new machine.  More on that in a moment!

Wednesday I transported mom to her eye specialist in Oklahoma City. I've been preoccupied during so many visits with mom and she notices every time (call it a mother's intuition). I can't count the times she's asked, "What's wrong, son?" or "Is everything okay?" And most of the time I would sugar coat my answer in an attempt to save her from worry. But she knew. She always knows when I'm "out of alignment" with my truest self. And instead of me "saving her" from worry by clamming up, her concern becomes amplified, because now she must play a guessing game as to what's wrong with her son.

Something was very different during this time we spent together. The difference maker is, I'm taking good care and I'm on the right track. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm maintaining a calorie budget again and I'm dealing with all stressful triggers head on, instead of ignoring them and simply managing the stress they create. We all know how I choose to manage stress. In other words, I'm taking charge of my life on different levels. I'm treating the root cause and not just managing the symptoms, if you will. My preferred treatment of "symptoms" is to eat, and eat some more, taking a temporary escape route where nothing is solved, only made worse by the added guilt and shame that floods in after the brief hiatus from caring. At that point, everything negative is magnified, the result of my natural coping mechanism.

It isn't easy to break away from these dynamics. Not easy at all. But when we declare our independence from these ingrained ways, positive things start clicking and we have some of the purest interactions with the ones we love.  My trip with mom on Wednesday was one of the best we've had. Mom's eyes are doing great, by the way. Again--no surgery needed and another checkup was set for late June. Mom said "I've laughed more this morning than I have in a very long time." I live to see that woman smile and her laugh is music to my ears. We discussed issues important to both of us, with some serious points along the way, but for the most part, we enjoyed observational humor and improvised "stand-up." It was pure joy to laugh so hard and feel so free and once again enjoy our time together, instead of being preoccupied with the countless distractions the quicksand of a downward spiral brings about.

---------------------------

Getting the call from the home health supply place was good. A new machine with precisely the settings I needed was waiting for me. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed this paper attached to the wall:



I can personally attest to most of this list. If my recent doctors check up is any indication, I may have dodged the cardiovascular health issue, at least for now. It would have become a much more serious issue had I let it go, unchecked and rampant, without putting on the brakes and admitting it needed immediate attention.

I left their office with a new machine and a truckload of hope and anticipation of the incredible differences being properly rested will bring. I've had three nights on this new machine and the difference is profound. It isn't perfect as I try to get accustomed to a new headgear and mask, but even with this adjustment period, I still feel more rested than I have in three years. Exactly as I hoped.

-----------------------

A little more than a month ago, I received a message from a man who said he wanted to meet and talk about his weight issues. He told me we had communicated once before about this, but now more than ever, he was ready to sit down and discuss how to start, because like many of us at one time or another, he was stuck in the place where the question "Where and how do I start" weighs heavier than any number we've seen on a scale.  We set a time to meet face to face at the studio and we talked for a while before walking to Subway for a low calorie dinner. If you condensed the resolution to our discussion down to three words, it was "keep it simple."

We met up again Thursday evening and it was a different man in front of me. He was thrilled with the simplicity of using My Fitness Pal for calorie counting. He had been maintaining his calorie budget despite an upside down schedule and a high stress kind of job that takes him to the streets of North Tulsa five nights a week. His recent doctors appointment showed a loss of 6 pounds. He's gained a confidence, calm and patience that was shining through with every word and expression.

He thanked me for taking the time to meet with him again and discussing this road we both travel. And I thanked him. Because let me tell you something---as much as he thinks I'm doing him a favor...he's doing me one equally significant. The support we give and receive is so crucial to our success. And he's the one doing this. He's the one shifting his perspective and making the big and small adjustments. He's the one inspiring, not only me, but everyone around him. He has a very positive road ahead and I'm honored to be riding shotgun.

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I received an email today from someone who has devoted the last several years to his education and in that pursuit has accomplished his goal of starting a profession that will serve him and many others for the rest of his life. As he prepares for the most difficult final exam of his new career, he was questioning if his reluctance to fully commit to losing weight and the better health it provides was justified or if using his intense education schedule as the barrier, was simply a "cop out." I spent some time thinking about and composing my reply and I think it's something very important to remember:

Whether it's a cop out or not depends on your perspective. My opinion is, it's a valid reason. That's my perspective. And there's a good reason for this perspective.

We both know that it was/is completely possible to take care of our calorie budget and exercise no matter the circumstances. I think we both agree there's a place, a zone that exist, where it doesn't matter...nothing penetrates...no stress, situation, emotion, nothing...nothing, nothing stands in the way... And that's all well and good, except it's missing something.

It's missing the element of self-compassion. When we're in that zone, we set the bar so high that suddenly any deviation whatsoever--even if not acted upon....yes, any deviation, even in thought---becomes a target for self-ridicule and negative emotions.  And that negativity starts an unraveling, then suddenly we feel like we're a million miles away again. This dynamic starts with a resolve based on perfection. Not necessarily perfection in our choices...but perfection in our consistent ability to maintain the budget and exercise.  When our thoughts and actions fail to live up to this level of perfection, we turn on ourselves with blame, guilt and shame...

We must include a level of compassion for ourselves.

I believe the pursuit isn't perfection, it's pursuit of a balance. That balance we're looking for is a place where eating good and exercising naturally becomes part of our daily lives, no matter what we're experiencing. And we accept that it doesn't need to be perfect. We accept that we shouldn't label every circumstance an "excuse" or "cop out." And we know the difference because we're intelligent people. In this "compassionate state," I believe we're actually able to accomplish more than we did before and in a more solid, sustainable fashion--because we're not sabotaging our emotions with negativity.  So the simple answer to your question is, no, it's not a cop out. 

This issue has been a big factor for me this time. This whole self-compassion dynamic has been key for me the last six weeks. I'm practicing compassion and I'm finding balance and success. It's like I'm learning to crawl again, lifting myself up and eventually walk again and then, I will run again. The pressure to be "perfect" has been dismissed, replaced by the ruling majority of better choices and taking one day at a time, one step at a time. And I'll get to where I envision and I'll arrive stronger than I ever imagined.

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Proud grandfather alert!!!
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The video below is my grandson Noah a day after he figured out how to crawl. He too is off to the races and soon he'll be walking, running and jumping. He doesn't ever have impatient thoughts about his development, because he hasn't developed the references needed to form and qualify them. Instead, he happily, confidently and patiently proceeds, doing his best...growing and learning, and progressing on a schedule unique to him. My tender connection to him was never more profound as it was while watching him become emotional and fight against taking his medicine. Without thought, my lip started to quiver and emotion swept through me, as if we had transmitting cables connected between us, feeling each others emotion on the deepest level. Dear Lord, I love that boy.

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Now that I'm feeling better rested, it's time to exercise more regularly. That's my plan as I continue on, maintaining my 1700 calorie budget. Giving and receiving support is a must-have element to my success. I'd love for you to connect with me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) and My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson).

I'm teaming up once again with Gerri Helms to offer a weekly conference call support group where our small group gets on the phone and we talk about this road, we set individual goals, we share stories and we offer one another tremendous support. This group starts Tuesday March 4th at 7pm Central and every Tuesday after for 6 weeks. The group chemistry that naturally develops through our shared pursuits and struggles, is significantly positive. We still have some spots available in this group if you're interested. For more information, simply send me an email: Sean@transformationroad.com

Thank you for reading and your tremendous support,
Strength,
Sean

A Familiar Determination

A Familiar Determination

Today is Valentines Day and what would have been my little brother Shane's 37th birthday. If you've read my book, the chapter titled "Shane's Gift," then you know how much Shane meant to me, and still means to me today.

This photo is Mom and Shane before his high school prom.  He loved putting on the tuxedo!

I've been doing very well lately. I feel a familiar determination I haven't felt since my initial weight loss.  More and more, I'm exploring valid reasons why I deserve to feel better. In the heat of temptation or cravings, or both, I pause long enough to think about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it.  If it seems to be a "driven" type thing--then I quickly text someone and explain the situation. Then it's better.

The pursuit this time is different from before. Having been there, I know what it's like to be at goal and live in the smaller clothes and have this normal sized reflection staring back at me in the mirror. So the mystery is gone, the anticipation of what it will be like isn't the same as before. So my goals have changed.

I don't know if it will be 230, or 220, or 250...It really isn't about a number this time. It's about taking care and living a balanced life with food. If I live a balanced life with food and exercise, I'll not be overweight.  And whatever I need to do to maintain a healthy balance and relationship with food, is what I'll do. Meetings, support groups, writing and of course, texting when I'm tempted to seek comfort in food or seemingly driven toward sugar and high fat items. I will continue seeking out and confronting issues in my life that need handled instead of trying to smother them with food.

So that's my goal. And there isn't an end date. For someone like me, maintaining this balance will be an everyday discipline, required in order to live at a healthy body weight. The biggest mental hurdle is accepting and being okay with that requirement.  It's important to come to terms and realize, this isn't a temporary reprieve I'm after. I want to feel better the rest of my life.

Speaking of feeling better. I'm about to head South for Stillwater where I'm spending a couple of hours with mom before heading over to Stillwater Medical Center for my next sleep study. Tonight should be the best sleep possible.  If all goes well, I'll feel more rested than I have at any time in the last three years.

I keep updates on Facebook and Twitter, plus My Fitness Pal.  I'd love you to join me on those other social media outlets!

I'll write more over the weekend.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean


I had a chance to visit my grandson Noah last night. He has pink eye and in this photo he was fresh from the doctor. He has good medicine and he'll shake it in record time, I'm sure! He so cute!!


This is one of my favorite pictures of mom and me. It was January 2012 at my Hastings book signing.
Looking forward to seeing mom this evening!

Why I Do What I Do

Why I Do What I Do

Someone asked me the other day why I share the way I do and why it's so important to me. They suggested, in their opinion, I sometimes "over-share." They were interested in the motivation behind my efforts.  Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood? 

My response started with a question. What is it about what I do, that stirs you to the point of having these questions? Do I touch a nerve or two? Does what I write and share occasionally hit home on points too uncomfortable to handle, so instead of questioning yourself, your defenses go up in the form of questioning my motivation? 

Only two people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it. 
I suppose it's very hard for some to grasp. 

This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years. Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing. I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.

I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways. Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things...And I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else, really. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, is as good as I can do. 

Occasionally, I might write a piece as if I were in the middle of the fall--kind of a time traveling concept...might be fun and therapeutic for me.  But maybe not. I mean really, could be kind of scary. 

I also don't do this for money. Yes, I would very much enjoy doing what I do for a living and there isn't anything wrong with that at all. But to this point, the relatively small financial reward hasn't been a big component of what I do (Just ask my creditors!). 

The last sentence of my Day 1 entry still holds true, "I believe it will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track."  Pretty simple.

That's what it's all about. I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me, to help me and when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all. 

I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.  

There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.

Jon in Wisconsin is someone who's story completely moved me. He's blogging now on Spark People, so if you have a Spark People account, I highly recommend connecting with him. His Spark People ID: WEWRTFO 
He recently wrote a blog entry about how we came to know one another. Here's an excerpt:

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Back in February of 2012 I stumbled upon his book on Amazon, at the time I did not know Sean. I found the reading of the book absolutely riveting and powerful. Being similar weight, height and body type the motivation from his book hit me like a home run. At the time I was a very private person and not one willing to discuss my own weight issues with others. 

I took at chance and emailed Sean hoping for a response. Here are some quotes from my original email. 

( " thank you for help me grasp, come to terms with what I need to do, have been wanting to do, have been putting off the past 20 years.") ("Yeah, definitely over ready almost as if your book was written for me. The mental aspect part of it and being accountable for my own actions.") ("Perhaps what sticking most in my mind is I see a mirror image of myself reading your book.") 

I was very excited having Sean respond. Here is some very powerful quotes I will never forget in the first email Sean sent me. 

("Okay--after reading your story--I must say, I can't wait to see your transformation!!! Jon--you're discovering something so wonderfully liberating....You have the key---and you're free now...The weight will come off without struggle when you exercise this power you have to choose change.") ("on--this is about getting to know yourself---and getting super self-honest with yourself. You have all of the answers already. Look in the mirror and realize---when you do---you're looking at the only person in the world that's gonna do this like no other--or fail...either way---in the mirror is the one responsible for the turnout....Nobody else--and nothing else....no person, place, thing, circumstance, emotion----Nope....)") 
"(Steel curtain zone it, Jon....Tighten your SCZ---and decide you're going to live like never before. Jon---YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ") 

Back in February of 2012 this was very powerful motivation, a man who truly cares about helping others with there own weight issues, and have stayed in touch with Sean ever since. If not for Sean, I would not be blogging or have created my Spark People page. Since February 2012 I often visit Sean's blog archive or read his newest post. Sometimes pick up his book or exchange emails. My one constant go to source that has enabled me to get to the point where I am at today. I encourage anybody who has not read Sean's book, please do so. Thank's Sean for being such a great friend and motivator! 

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This is why I do what I do.

The only thing missing from my response to Jon back then, was how important it is to connect with your spiritual side. Whatever that is, is totally up to you and your understanding. And for some, this connection is very natural, going hand in hand with making changes. But for me it's been a learned element through trial and error. I've always been one to learn things the more challenging way. But in that, I've learned a great deal I might not have otherwise. We're not alone along this road, ever. 

Someone who recently purchased one of my "I'm Choosing Change" adjustable leather bracelets
sent a very nice message describing her recent grocery store situation:

"Today is two weeks since I started eating healthy again and exercising minimally , but have managed to lose 10lbs. At the store last night, for no good reason other than habit, I walked up to the ice cream section, opened the door and reached for my all time favorite non-narcotic drug of choice, but mid-reach, as I spotted my bracelet, I thought to ask myself if the calories and self- loathing to follow my treat will be worth it, and I imagined you and all of your supporters there with me in that moment, as I allowed the door to close. I continued to shop, without a battle raging in my head for and against the ice cream. It was like an out of body experience thinking of all the other people out there who say no too, and made it, in that moment, easier than it has ever been in my recent memory to walk away empty handed. Thanks Sean"

Reading this also empowers me! Do you think I could possibly be in the frozen "treats" section of my local grocery store without remembering this message? No way. We've helped her. And she's helped us. 

This is why I do what I do.

I would love for you to connect with me on My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson), Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505) and Twitter (@SeanAAnderson). Each of these social media platforms have a different type content and do different things for me. I post a bunch of food pictures to Twitter. My daily food diary is public on My Fitness Pal and Facebook is a place where I connect with friends the most, often through what I call "micro-blogs" and various other postings.

Quick update on where I am: I'm keeping a 1700 calorie budget. I haven't been exercising regularly, yet, and that's okay for the moment. I'm having another sleep study the night of the 14th to at last determine the proper therapy enabling me to finally feel fully rested. My doctors appointment that was the 11th had to be rescheduled for the 17th and that's when I'll have my first official weigh-in since "coming back to life." I'll continue with monthly weigh-ins from that point forward.

I sincerely appreciate your continued support,
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean