Showing posts with label reclaiming your life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label reclaiming your life. Show all posts

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

September 3rd, 2014 It's Not Easy-Weigh Day Edition

September 3rd, 2014 It's Not Easy-Weigh Day Edition

Today's weigh-in was honestly the first time I've approached the scale with a true sense of, whatever it says, I'm good! I realized this on the way to the doctors office. I was stuck at a red light pondering what was about to happen and then it hit me: It is simply a statistic. It's information I can use to make adjustments, if needed. As I've said before, my identity and self-worth isn't tethered to the number on a scale. My self-worth doesn't increase with weight loss and it doesn't decline with weight gain. I am a good human being, regardless. I love me, regardless.

Do I want to get in the best shape of my life? Yes, indeed. Will it make me feel better? Physically, sure. Mentally and emotionally? I seriously doubt there's any improving on how I feel about me in this moment. And it certainly isn't dependent on the scale. I've never felt more whole in my entire life. On the surface, the previous sentence sounds good, sure--but if you've read about how dark things became not too long ago, the "informed perspective" reveals nothing short of a miracle turn-around. I'm grateful. I'm blessed. I'm so happy.

I stepped on the scale today and found:
photo photo27_zps240ce66e.jpg
A nine pound loss since my last weigh-in three weeks ago! This brings my nineteen week total to seventy-eight pounds gone! After a big 164 pound regain of my initial 275 pound loss, to now be only 86 pounds away from my previous low and what I believe to be my healthiest weight, is--it just is...so wonderful, I can't even find the words to express how wonderful.

I need to preface the following with this: I've studied and learned many valuable things along this road. Don Miguel Ruiz's book "The Four Agreements" taught me never to take anything personal. What others say or do in my direction, good or bad--isn't a reflection of me, it's a reflection of them. In other words, don't take criticism too hard and don't get wrapped up in praise from others. Staying grounded and balanced requires an inner peace and love, that when truly embraced, cannot be affected by the opinions of others one way or the other.

Okay, with that written, I was slightly irritated with a few well meaning comments after my weigh-in today. Two of these came in person from people I see on a regular basis. I'm okay. They're okay. It's all good. But I wanted to clarify a BIG misconception. The comments, each a variation of the same thing, said: "Losing weight is easy for you!"

Are you talking to me? It's easy? Really??? After the first one, I smiled and offered: "Thank you, but I must say, it isn't ever easy. It's a lot of work, a big commitment." I didn't respond to the other two because I was too busy intentionally breathing for calm and perspective. I know these comments came with the best of intentions and happiness for me and my successful turnaround, there wasn't any ill will or intent. But some things to remember:

It isn't easy to take pictures of everything I eat, log each item in MyFitnessPal, then describe the picture complete with calorie count in a 140 characters or less Tweet. Try doing it for a week. I've done it for almost five months straight.

It isn't easy to maintain my abstinence from sugar in a world where sugar is everywhere, even in places we wouldn't expect to find sugar--it's there. And it's a drug to me. It's a drug I can no longer deny my addiction to or the bio-chemical effects it has on me.

It isn't easy to commit anywhere from an hour to two and a half hours a night of writing in order to maintain this blog. I do it because it's therapeutic. I do it because it brings me joy. I do it because it gives me clarity and perspective. I do it because it's an important part of who I am. I also do it because I've discovered how it can help others along this road. But mainly, I do it for me. Still, it's hard work. It's important work to me and the support it attracts plays a huge role in my success, but it isn't easy. I'm profoundly grateful for what this blog provides me each and every day. It's nothing short of a blessing to me in many ways.

It isn't easy to plan, prepare and pack my food each day.

It isn't always easy to navigate menus at restaurants.

It isn't easy to push myself toward a good workout six days a week (some workouts are better than others, of course!).

It isn't easy to maintain the consistency I've enjoyed because life still happens. Stress is all around me--job stress, financial stress--general life stress, emotions...it's all there, and always will be, it's life for goodness sake! And through it all, I'm maintaining an importance level, perspective and a high degree of accountability that helps me maintain a balanced level of consistency. Again, this isn't easy to do day in and day out.

It isn't always easy to make these things enjoyable and truly fun, but it's important for me to find the joy in what I do, because if this is something I'm not enjoying, there's no way to maintain it for the rest of my life--and that of course is a big hope and prayer of mine. I make sure to have fun and genuinely enjoy what I'm doing, what I'm eating and what I'm experiencing throughout this process. If it's something I don't enjoy or can't stand, I'm not doing it...not even a little bit, never mind forever.

Perhaps I make it look easy. Maybe so. Trust me, it's not easy for me to lose weight. It takes a monumental effort each and every day, one day at a time. You know what is easy for me?

Despite appearing very difficult, it was easy to be a 500 pound man for nearly twenty years. It took hardly any effort at all to maintain my 500 pounds of life sucking weight. It was easy!!! I never exercised and I basically ate whatever I wanted, as much as I wanted, whenever I wanted. If I was sad, hurting or angry--food seemed to be my "easy fix." Of course we now know that additional food doesn't "fix" anything, unless it's an effort to maintain a 500 pound body. It fixes that real well, at least for me--totally easy!!

It was shockingly easy for me to gain back 164 pounds. I mean, it was a breeze! Had I not worked hard at grabbing the reigns of this runaway coach, I'd likely be back at 500 pounds by now--because it was so easy! 
photo photo26_zpsfbaf758b.jpg
This isn't the "serious face" (trying hard not to smile) of someone who loses weight easily. This is the serious and determined face of someone who is working hard everyday to be consistent and to maintain integrity in my resolve and mission. It's the serious face of someone who is very passionate about this journey and all of its many incredibly fascinating facets. It's the seriously determined face of someone who wants to share and help others, simply by doing what I'm doing. It's the determined face of someone who can be as serious as needed in the moment, but still enjoy the humor in it all, along the way. This is the face of someone who doesn't give up, ever. This isn't the face of "easy."

-----------------------------------------
I enjoyed a great food day today--oh my--look at the below tweets! Yummy! I made it home mid-afternoon and enjoyed a very restful 1.5 hour nap before jumping up and making it into the YMCA for the 5:30pm spin class. I followed that very challenging 45 minute workout with a nice swim in the Y lap pool.

I decided to order Hawaiian Fajitas for dinner. My favorite little Mexican restaurant sits three blocks from the YMCA, so it was very convenient to place a take out order. Usually I would dine inside, but tonight I wanted to do something different. I ordered them to go, so I could take the ingredients home and precisely weigh each ingredient in an effort to get the most accurate calorie count possible. I even asked the restaurant how much oil they use in preparing an order--and I included that in the count. I order them special every time--and what I accept and don't accept varies depending on a few factors, namely the amount of calories left in my calorie bank for the day. Tonight I declined: Chips, guacamole, beans and rice.

I measured out the steak, chicken, shrimp and pineapple--found the precise counts in MFP, then mixed them all back together and poured them into a big bowl of lettuce for what I'll call "Hawaiian fajita salad." Yes, I'm calling this a salad--complete with a simple homemade dressing made from salsa blended with a serving of light sour cream.

I'm very happy to be where I am along this road. I feel incredibly blessed and tremendously grateful.

If you're interested in taking part in the 10-week teleconference weight loss support group facilitated and moderated by Life Coach Gerri Helms and me, then click this link to register and pay the fee via a secure PayPal checkout page (You do not need a PayPal account to register and pay, you can simply pay with your card): lifecoachgerri.com/events/bootcamp Unfortunately, this option is currently only available in the U.S. and Canada.  

My Tweets today:














Thank you for reading and your amazing support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 26 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, May 21, 2014

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

May 21st, 2014 Weigh Day...But First Some Recent History

When I stepped on the scale in January I was hoping the number attached to my obvious weight gain would immediately jolt me into action. The scales showed a 143 pound gain.  There I was, 373 pounds, a weight I promised myself I would never see again. I made the same declaration at every major milestone.  I remember crossing down into the 400's, 300's, 250--and every time "I'll never see that number again!"

 What went wrong? A few things. I didn't give my food addiction the respect it deserved, certainly a form of denial. I honestly believed after maintaining my 275 pound loss for nearly a year and a half, perhaps I could be normal--completely normal with food. I adopted a cockiness about it, like hey, I got this! Then I experienced emotional turbulence and stress, succumbed to a heavy dose of depression brought on by a constant state of exhaustion from severe sleep apnea...and within a short amount of time I was medicating with food, coping with food--surviving with food, again and again, just like the old days.

During this downward spiral, the struggle seemed magnified between good and evil, between what I knew was right and everything else. Not only did I feel bad for how out of control I was--I felt worse because this wasn't supposed to be me. 

 After that sobering weigh-in, I did jump back on track for a little while. I managed to lose 10 pounds and I celebrated it as proof that I could still lose weight. I started writing more, I jumped back on the weekly conference call with Life Coach Gerri Helms where we discussed all of the issues included in weight loss with a wonderful group of participants. Make no mistake, even in times of my greatest struggle, I could relate and offer sound, quality advice. Talking the talk is one thing. I can sit down one on one with you and we could have the most inspiring-motivational discussion ever, and then as if possessed--I can go about doing the polar opposite for myself.

I had a few good days, then several bad, followed by a couple good--and so on.  My writing became sporadic once again and I was clearly struggling. I was fighting. I was hurting. I just wanted to scream out to the heavens, "Why is this so hard this time??? Why???? Am I destined to go all the way back??"

 The 143 pound gain and my constant attempts to get back on track seemed to be pushing me even further down. I felt horrible about myself with a long list of reasons why. The struggle continued and clearly I was gaining once again.  The worst of it was running out of clothes.  I wore the same outfit to work everyday for weeks on end because nothing I had in the closet fit anymore. Sometime in early April, I don't remember the date--I know it was a Saturday, I had a remote broadcast.  I couldn't wear stretchy sweat pants to a public appearance, so I squeezed into the largest pair of pants I owned. The size 50's were a far cry from the 36's that felt so loose and wonderful at 230.  And they didn't fit. I made them work for this broadcast.  I was in pain the entire time. My right leg had recently started swelling again because of the dramatic weight gain and it pressed tightly against the pant leg of these jeans that were suffocating me.  I spent the entire broadcast trying to conceal the obvious issue with my leg. I stood in strategic spots where I thought it would be less noticeable. I peeled them off when I got home and discovered I was bleeding from their tightness.

A few days after that painful experience, I walked into the doctors office and faced the scale once again.  I just knew I had to have crossed back into the 400's again. I certainly felt like it. Maybe this time would be the dose of reality I needed.  The scale shot back 394. I had put on 31 pounds in record time.  I didn't tell a soul, I was too ashamed, embarrassed, guilty, sad and desperate. I eventually told my mom and a couple of others, in order to express how bad things had turned. Now what?

 I was ready to throw in the towel.  Even 394 staring back at me wasn't enough. I still struggled, still felt possessed and driven to self destruction via food.  On one of my darkest nights, I emailed Marty Lerner, the director of Milestones In Recovery in Florida. Milestones is an in-patient food addiction treatment center. If you've read my book, you might remember Marty Lerner Ph.D., he wrote a fabulous review in the opening pages. I asked Marty about the costs of a 30 day in-patient stay at his facility in Florida.  He was very nice in his reply, although the cost immediately disqualified it as an option.

Now what?

 It was now or never in my mind. I started an intense prayer and meditation campaign. I spent time seeking council from my therapist. I sought advice from Life Coach Gerri Helms. I studied all I could online about recovery for someone like me and I reached some concrete conclusions and solutions.  When I started struggling, one of the first things I did was stop writing on a regular schedule. I also stopped logging my food on MyFitnessPal. Getting those things back in order was paramount if I really wanted to recover.  And as I did, I discovered an enormous amount of love and support waiting for me--and it was always there--even when I isolated and felt so alone, I wasn't alone.

I have enjoyed almost a month of daily writing on this blog. In committing to this writing schedule, I've kept in touch with my emotions--writing it out each night and learning more each day. Recently, I've experienced some groundbreaking personal epiphanies about my identity and self worth that are poised to have the most wonderful effect on me...they already have, actually. And I've shared it all right here in these pages.

I've maintained my food and exercise log in MyFitnessPal and as an added source of accountability, I started tweeting pictures of every single calorie I consume (And I'm having fun doing it!).  I've committed to working out on a consistent schedule too.

This is how I'm recovering.  I'm doing what works for me, what I need--the writing, the food pics, the regular contact with close supporters who have been here, like Gerri. I'm making my private spiritual side important too. I've offered support to others as best I can and I will continue to do more. All of this is a direct reflection of my importance level. It's turned all the way up.  

Because I'm not giving up, ever.

Today was weigh day.  And I will weigh every three weeks. The next weigh day is Wednesday June 11th.
I stepped on the scale today and discovered a 25 pound loss.

25 pounds!!!!!!!!!! From 394 to 369. Hang around a while because we're going to have some fun.



I haven't been this happy about weighing 369 since I first broke 370 during my initial 275 pound loss.  And that's an important point.  Because not only am I headed in the right direction physically, my perspective is also pointed in the right direction.

 Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 16 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, May 15, 2014

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

May 15th, 2014 An Answer To The Unspoken, Silent Plea: Why Do I Feel This Way?

I failed to mention my brush with law enforcement last evening.  I was in too much of a hurry to get to the YMCA. I was in a 40 mph zone and when it switched to a 30 mph zone, I kept going 37 mph. The officer asked for my license and insurance verification and much to my surprise, both had expired 04/30/2014.  I had insurance, of course, I just didn't have a current verification. I received a warning for the speeding and two citations for the other offenses. The officer told me to present proof of both, and the tickets would be dismissed. This meant two stops this morning, one to the insurance office and one to the tag agency where they issue the new drivers license. Both citations were dismissed.

I have the last three licenses and each picture shows a different stage of my transformation. The last was taken at 258 pounds. It was the first time my license reflected the truth about my weight.  The weights on my licenses have always showed a number between 50 and 108 pounds less than reality.  But not the last one--and I was so proud of that license because of what it represented. I was proud and confident in it and the weight displayed was accurate for a change. I didn't want to part with it today.  Luckily, I didn't have to. The new photo shows my considerable weight gain and since I unintentionally forgot to remind them--they left the weight as 258.  Oh well. As I once again achieve an optimal healthy weight, I'll have it redone to reflect the changes. Remember this photo?

photo seanlicense.jpg

I had a co-worker put this together for me in 2010. She is much more computer savvy than I am. She knew how to get rid of the critical information. I don't know how or I would add the new picture to these. The more I thought about all of the energy I was giving this new license thing, specifically the required photo, the more I started thinking on a deeper level.

I felt a slight twinge of shame, regret and embarrassment at the tag office today. It's lessened considerably since getting firmly back on track. But it's still there. 

Then, I had an epiphany on the way to the YMCA tonight. Why in the world should I ever allow the shape of my face or the size of my pants determine my self worth? This isn't how I treat others, so why would I treat me that way? 

And then I started thinking about the differences between how I felt about me at 505 and how I felt at 230 and that's when I experienced a breakthrough in my thinking. In that moment I imagined the scales of justice. On one side was my love for the non-physical parts (my mind, my sense of humor, my talents, my heart, my natural compassion for others, my ability to communicate, etc.) and the other side of the scale was my love for things physical about me. 

The personal injustice has been the obvious imbalance and distribution of my love for self.  At my heaviest, I had nearly zero love for the physical and what little love I had for the non-physical was small, barely existent and unacknowledged because I was too busy hating the way I looked. At my healthiest weight, I still paid little attention to the non-physical attributes because I was too busy loving the way I looked.  Throughout my entire life I've largely ignored the important things that make me who I am. My most intense focus was either hating the way I looked or loving the way I looked. With this narrow minded perspective, the only source of identity and self-worth remaining relied almost exclusively on my appearance. It isn't any wonder why I've limited myself over the years.  Even worse is the natural tendency to project this fluctuating self-perspective onto others, as in, if I feel this way about me, surely they do too. 

When I think about my closest loved ones, I realize their perspective of me is never conditional based on appearance. When I spend time with mom, she doesn't even notice the weight gain, she just sees her son. When I pick up my grandson and he looks at me and smiles, it's an innate understanding that I'm someone who loves him deeply and will protect and care for him no matter what. When I spend time with my daughters, it's clear their love for me isn't placed on a scale, ever.

And then I realized: This is what they mean when they say you must love yourself first before you can fully experience and appreciate the love and richness of life. Oh my goodness, I feel like shedding tears just writing these words. 

If I was confused before, it was very clear now. I'm a great person worthy of love regardless of my size and appearance. I have my mind, sense of humor, talents, a big heart, loads of compassion for others and so very much more. And none of it is diminished with weight gain or increased with weight loss. 

I am me, always.

And my journey will continue toward a healthier weight because I want to live, I want to move easier, I want to experience the freedom a healthy body weight provides. Regardless of how this journey goes, I believe I just discovered one of my greatest personal freedoms of all.  

All of this was processed over a ten minute period as I drove to my workout tonight, as if by divine placement in my brain, an answer to my unspoken, silent plea, why do I feel this way??

I walked into the YMCA tonight with a confidence I haven't felt in a very long time. I climbed aboard the orange trimmed elliptical and proceeded to have my best personal workout, possibly ever. My stride was longer. Within the mechanics of the machine, I was sprinting. And this energy never subsided. Last night I stopped ten minutes earlier than planned. Tonight, I could have easily done another twenty.

Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean       

photo photo5_zps864d25da.jpg
Mom and Me-Mothers Day 2014          
Posted by at 15 comments:
Labels: , , , , ,

Thursday, May 1, 2014

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

May 1st, 2014 In Search of Good ZZZZ's

I slept horribly last night. I made it to work looking half dead on a morning I needed to be at my best and somehow I made it through and did well.  I had nine in studio guests and one special co-host this morning. I have no idea how I got through the show. I suppose after 26 years I've learned how to "fake it" when I'm not feeling my best.  I doubt anyone listening could tell, and that's good.  My in studio guests had to have noticed; I was rough.

I've employed the same strategy with this sleep issue.  It's something I should have addressed a very long time ago, instead I put it off--pretended to be okay, sought therapy and when it didn't work, carried on pretending I could be fine, while the effects of sleep deprivation were wreaking havoc on me in multiple ways.  Just as we say "never give up" with our weight loss efforts, I declared the same on this sleep disorder.  I reached a point where it was breaking me down, making everything harder and becoming an immediate hazard to everything important in my world.

Yesterday I ran around trying to get everything done and I missed my opportunity to get my sleep monitor reading and some kind of suggested solution. Today I did make it in and the statistics clearly supported the obvious effects on my face, or is it the other way around?  Anyway, for whatever reason, I can't seem to keep my mouth closed during the night--and that's a must with most cpap masks.  An open mouth, even just a slight bit, is enough for the positive air pressure to escape thus rendering the therapy pretty much useless. Tonight I'll try a full face mask. I can't wait to experience the difference good sleep will make in my day to day.  It really doesn't matter if my mouth droops open while using the full mask. Considering I've been a lifelong nighttime drooling kind of guy, I probably should have had a full mask from day 1.

It's strange to say what I'm about to say, but I'll say it because it's true: I didn't feel much like eating today.  I know! Strange! I fell a little short of my 1700 calorie budget, checking in at 1544.  I didn't do a mid-morning or mid-afternoon snack. The urge to eat didn't occur. I still ate well today.  Despite feeling completely exhausted, I held my ground on food--because I wasn't having any compulsions to do otherwise.  That's a good thing.  I don't understand it, but I'm not complaining.

You're invited to take a peek at my daily food pics on Twitter. Most all of them get posted--simply follow @SeanAAnderson
My corresponding food and exercise diary is online too at MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson

The best thing I can do right now is fall into bed.

Goodnight and thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 2 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , ,

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Why I Do What I Do

Why I Do What I Do

 Someone asked me the other day why I share the way I do and why it's so important to me. They suggested, in their opinion, I sometimes "over-share." They were interested in the motivation behind my efforts.  Is it for attention? To be loved? To feel important? Is it the product of some kind of deep seeded deficiency dating back to childhood? 

 My response started with a question. What is it about what I do, that stirs you to the point of having these questions? Do I touch a nerve or two? Does what I write and share occasionally hit home on points too uncomfortable to handle, so instead of questioning yourself, your defenses go up in the form of questioning my motivation? 

 Only two people have ever witnessed my raw, emotional reaction when I receive an email or facebook message from someone sharing their story with me. Nothing reduces me to tears faster than reading some of the most sincere, empowering words from someone who is finding their inner strength to choose change. When I tell someone I'm overjoyed for them, I mean it. 
I suppose it's very hard for some to grasp. 

 This blog started as a tool for me, for my benefit. I started it to keep me focused and true to myself with the added accountability factor of a publicly shared journal. This blog was a way for me to dissect, analyze and unravel the inner mysteries keeping me over 500 pounds for so many years. Very few people followed along, reading each post, before AOL ran a feature story on their home page. Then things started changing. I started connecting with more and more people and I started realizing how this wasn't just helping me, it was helping others. Did I get caught up in the commotion of it all? Perhaps. But nothing brings me back home to the most raw, emotional place--like reading someone else's story of liberation.

 I write this blog for me. It must be for me, first and foremost. If it wasn't, then I would have continued a song and dance during the darkest periods of regain. Instead, I retreated from what was best for me in many different ways. Some say it would have been helpful to read the "off the rails" version of things...And I get that, but again--where I was wasn't a place inspiring me to write anything helpful to me or anyone else, really. Coming back and sharing about where I've been and where I want to go, is as good as I can do. 

 Occasionally, I might write a piece as if I were in the middle of the fall--kind of a time traveling concept...might be fun and therapeutic for me.  But maybe not. I mean really, could be kind of scary. 

 I also don't do this for money. Yes, I would very much enjoy doing what I do for a living and there isn't anything wrong with that at all. But to this point, the relatively small financial reward hasn't been a big component of what I do (Just ask my creditors!). 

The last sentence of my Day 1 entry still holds true, "I believe it will help me stay on track and maybe along the way it will inspire someone else to stay on track."  Pretty simple.

 That's what it's all about. I don't do what I do for attention, for love, to feel important or any other slightly bent off-center motivation. I do it for me, to help me and when what I do in helping myself affects someone else in a positive way, it's the most wonderful bonus of all. 

 I am loved. I am important. And those facts were true long before The Daily Diary of A Winning Loser or Transformation Road came along.  

 There's still plenty of road ahead. And I'm honored you're choosing to ride along. Thank you.

 Jon in Wisconsin is someone who's story completely moved me. He's blogging now on Spark People, so if you have a Spark People account, I highly recommend connecting with him. His Spark People ID: WEWRTFO 
He recently wrote a blog entry about how we came to know one another. Here's an excerpt:

------------

 Back in February of 2012 I stumbled upon his book on Amazon, at the time I did not know Sean. I found the reading of the book absolutely riveting and powerful. Being similar weight, height and body type the motivation from his book hit me like a home run. At the time I was a very private person and not one willing to discuss my own weight issues with others. 

I took at chance and emailed Sean hoping for a response. Here are some quotes from my original email. 

( " thank you for help me grasp, come to terms with what I need to do, have been wanting to do, have been putting off the past 20 years.") ("Yeah, definitely over ready almost as if your book was written for me. The mental aspect part of it and being accountable for my own actions.") ("Perhaps what sticking most in my mind is I see a mirror image of myself reading your book.") 

I was very excited having Sean respond. Here is some very powerful quotes I will never forget in the first email Sean sent me. 

("Okay--after reading your story--I must say, I can't wait to see your transformation!!! Jon--you're discovering something so wonderfully liberating....You have the key---and you're free now...The weight will come off without struggle when you exercise this power you have to choose change.") ("on--this is about getting to know yourself---and getting super self-honest with yourself. You have all of the answers already. Look in the mirror and realize---when you do---you're looking at the only person in the world that's gonna do this like no other--or fail...either way---in the mirror is the one responsible for the turnout....Nobody else--and nothing else....no person, place, thing, circumstance, emotion----Nope....)") 
"(Steel curtain zone it, Jon....Tighten your SCZ---and decide you're going to live like never before. Jon---YOU ARE GOING TO LIVE LIKE NEVER BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ") 

Back in February of 2012 this was very powerful motivation, a man who truly cares about helping others with there own weight issues, and have stayed in touch with Sean ever since. If not for Sean, I would not be blogging or have created my Spark People page. Since February 2012 I often visit Sean's blog archive or read his newest post. Sometimes pick up his book or exchange emails. My one constant go to source that has enabled me to get to the point where I am at today. I encourage anybody who has not read Sean's book, please do so. Thank's Sean for being such a great friend and motivator! 

 -----------

 This is why I do what I do.

 The only thing missing from my response to Jon back then, was how important it is to connect with your spiritual side. Whatever that is, is totally up to you and your understanding. And for some, this connection is very natural, going hand in hand with making changes. But for me it's been a learned element through trial and error. I've always been one to learn things the more challenging way. But in that, I've learned a great deal I might not have otherwise. We're not alone along this road, ever. 

 Someone who recently purchased one of my "I'm Choosing Change" adjustable leather bracelets
sent a very nice message describing her recent grocery store situation:

 "Today is two weeks since I started eating healthy again and exercising minimally , but have managed to lose 10lbs. At the store last night, for no good reason other than habit, I walked up to the ice cream section, opened the door and reached for my all time favorite non-narcotic drug of choice, but mid-reach, as I spotted my bracelet, I thought to ask myself if the calories and self- loathing to follow my treat will be worth it, and I imagined you and all of your supporters there with me in that moment, as I allowed the door to close. I continued to shop, without a battle raging in my head for and against the ice cream. It was like an out of body experience thinking of all the other people out there who say no too, and made it, in that moment, easier than it has ever been in my recent memory to walk away empty handed. Thanks Sean"

 Reading this also empowers me! Do you think I could possibly be in the frozen "treats" section of my local grocery store without remembering this message? No way. We've helped her. And she's helped us. 

 This is why I do what I do.

 I would love for you to connect with me on My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson), Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505) and Twitter (@SeanAAnderson). Each of these social media platforms have a different type content and do different things for me. I post a bunch of food pictures to Twitter. My daily food diary is public on My Fitness Pal and Facebook is a place where I connect with friends the most, often through what I call "micro-blogs" and various other postings.

 Quick update on where I am: I'm keeping a 1700 calorie budget. I haven't been exercising regularly, yet, and that's okay for the moment. I'm having another sleep study the night of the 14th to at last determine the proper therapy enabling me to finally feel fully rested. My doctors appointment that was the 11th had to be rescheduled for the 17th and that's when I'll have my first official weigh-in since "coming back to life." I'll continue with monthly weigh-ins from that point forward.

 I sincerely appreciate your continued support,
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 11 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Thursday, February 6, 2014

I'm Worthy Of More

I'm Worthy Of More

I'd be grossly misrepresenting if I pretended this week has been a cakewalk. Poor choice of words. It has been very difficult to maintain balance. I've stayed within my calorie budget. On the surface that's a wonderful thing indeed.  Below the surface, I've fought very hard to keep the calorie budget intact. Call it steel curtain zone or whatever you want, it's been a battle. But why?

Stress triggers reactions and for someone like me, those reactions are hard wired and often circumvent the rational part of the brain, the frontal cortex. This dynamic is addiction, pure and simple. I've watched some incredible documentaries on the subject, the best being "Pleasures Unwoven." 

The only way I've been able to survive is through prayer, meditation and reaching out to friends in moments of weakness. I've been staying "visible," instead of isolating. It's amazing how something as quick and simple as sending a tweet, sending a text or responding to an email or facebook message, empowers me, brings me back around and gives me strength. And hope. Because there's plenty of hope. And that's an important thing to hold tight, especially in the face of stress.

So what to do? I mean really, stress is a part of life, right? Yes, it is. The question is, can I face the stress and handle it in ways that work to alleviate the stress? In other words, deal with issues head on? Yes. Yes I can.

My recovery is very important to me. It's much more important to me than it was during the initial weight loss. Why?  Because I understand it better now.  I understand me on  a level much deeper than before. And this understanding is met with a greater respect.

Suddenly, my goal isn't a number, or a particular size of jeans, or anything external. Sure, some of these will be visible milestones.  And I'll be sharing those along the way.  But I'll always, forever-more keep my eye on a higher definition of success.  My truest and most important goal is raising my level of self-care and self-love to where it needs to be for optimal living.  Having compassion for myself is the biggest component in this quest. No longer is self-loathing and internally abusive thoughts okay. I'm worthy of more than I've given myself.  Let me say that again:

I'm Worthy Of More Than I've Given Myself.

I understand that many of the stresses in my life were created by me and then made worse by my attitude and perspective toward them.  And that's okay. Isn't that interesting? It is to me. When I dissect particularly stressful elements of my life, I can clearly identify how they were created, when they were created and I can honestly evaluate how I've reacted to them. This is a breakthrough for me. And this isn't another chance for me to be harsh on myself, not at all--quite the contrary, in fact. If I can clearly identify the stress I've created, then I can change my attitude and perspective toward it and alleviate its power.  I can face these things head on and armed with a new attitude, I can manage them one by one.  And you know what that means?

Less stress equals less struggle.  Alleviating some stress might require simplifying certain things and that's a good thing. Simple is good. I like simplicity.

The other day when I chose the meatball sub full of fat and sugar, I knew it wasn't the best choice. I counted it and moved on. I didn't beat myself up for the choice. I did however, acknowledge it and evaluate the choice.

One of the things that's helping me stay on track is my food planning.  I do not, under any circumstances,miss breakfast. Well--except tomorrow and I'll explain in a minute.  I start each day with a good breakfast full of protein and one that taste good.  Typically, it's a combination of whole eggs and egg whites, with veggies and low fat-part skim mozzarella cheese on a Joseph's Pita.  If I want more, I add some yogurt or fruit. I keep posting similar breakfast photos on twitter and lately with the resolution to switch it up some--- maybe some oatmeal with fruit every now and then. While I'm preparing breakfast I'm also preparing snack baggies of fruit.  I'll include some string cheese too. And sometimes, not always, but sometimes a lunch of some sort.  I've been coming home often in the middle of the day to nap before going back to work for the "second half." I'll normally have time to work out lunch during this time. I've been doing this because of my sleep condition.  Not feeling rested is an enormous issue.  I return for another sleep study on the 14th.

Tomorrow morning I'm fasting for blood work. I can have water and surprisingly, black coffee. I'll take it! When the nurse said "Nothing except water and if you're a coffee drinker, black." I was shocked. I'd always heard just a sip or two of water was best. But I'm not arguing with the professionals. I'm happy to have coffee in the morning. It'll be very different not eating breakfast early.

My regular doctors visit will be the 11th.  I'll get the blood work results and weigh in at that visit.

I'm keeping active on Facebook (facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson ) and My Fitness Pal SeanAAnderson. If we haven't already, I'd love to connect with you on any of those social media platforms.

Thank you for reading,
Goodnight and,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 14 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , ,

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Maintaining A Balance

Maintaining A Balance

As the days go by and my resolve remains strong, my biggest challenge hasn't been maintaining the integrity of my calorie budget.  My biggest challenge has been time management and maintaining a balance with my chosen methods of social media. I'm behind on my blog reading list and answering emails and messages. Returning support is very important to me. The support you give me is sincerely appreciated and I hope you know this, because it's an absolutely critical element of my success. I'll continue doing my best and finding a balance with my time and energy.

Sleep Issue Update: I return for a 2nd sleep study on February 14th at 8pm. This time will include using an adjustable machine the entire night in an effort to determine the optimal settings for my best rest. I'm looking forward to feeling rested again. Good rest, good sleep is a requirement for living the best life possible. The benefits go far beyond weight loss. It goes without saying, being exhausted dramatically and negatively effects everything along this road.  I think it's perfectly fitting that my sleep study is set for Valentines evening. For one, it's my late brother Shane's birthday and he always wanted what was best for me. Taking care of me is self-love. Getting this done and my sleep situation corrected is one of the most loving things I can do for myself.

Today marks three weeks of being committed and staying focused come what may. I still have 10 more days to wait before I weigh and that's perfect. My philosophy on weighing hasn't changed. Like many of my friends along this road, I've allowed the scale to wreak havoc on my emotions too many times. And I'm embracing the idea that this isn't about a number for me, it's about recovery. It's about getting back to a healthier existence. I will weigh monthly, mainly because I like statistics. But I'll be very careful and aware of how the numbers effect me, good or not as good.

The point is, if I'm maintaining a balance and taking care of me, then truly the scale takes care of itself.  The only time the scale has ever gone up is when I'm not properly taking care of me. And I'm doing my best to fully appreciate and accept that this isn't a quest to get back to 230. This isn't about simply hitting that mark. I've done that. This is about learning from my previous experiences and getting to a place where maintaining my personal balance with food and exercise is a constant in my life.  If I make that the goal, again-the weight will drop and I'll be healthier for the effort. Maintaining balance with everything life throws my way is the challenge.

Creating a support community of friends with like goals, experiences and understandings is critical. Sharing the tough times and asking for additional support is paramount. I attended a banquet and awards ceremony Thursday evening with my co-workers from Team Radio. Most of them remember my resolve and practices during my initial weight loss and all of them know where I am today and how I'm reclaiming my life at this point, so just having them there with me was good support and encouragement to make the best choices possible. To reinforce my strength and support, I offered up the challenge on facebook and vowed to "Live-Tweet" the dinner service from start to finish. I'm @SeanAAnderson on Twitter.  I know many of my friends on Facebook and several who read this blog, do not do Twitter and that's okay. Here's a replay of the evening in chronological order of tweets:





































During the course of this "Live-Tweeting," I received wonderful support from those following along as it happened. And I thank you very much!! The entire event was spectacular and the highlight of the evening was the broadcasting company I work for winning the business of the year award!

Walking to the parking lot afterward, I couldn't help but feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude for a perfect event in so many ways. My support system was in place and worked beautifully. The most challenging part of the evening was seeing so many people from the community, many of these people cheered me on before and haven't laid eyes on me since I've regained.  Being okay with that and shutting down the inner voices of insecurity, guilt, shame and whatever other negative emotions get drummed up in a post-regain situation like this, was a blessing. Having a calm and peace in this dynamic is because I'm embracing me, all of me and I'm taking care of me in wonderful ways. I'm headed to a healthier version of me and I'm doing what needs to be done to get there. It's none of my business what anyone else thinks of me, good or bad, about where I am or what I looked like at this event. I'm gloriously me. And visiting the restroom, looking in the mirror and reminding myself of this was a part of the evening, twice. Besides, people are typically too busy worrying about themselves to notice others, at least not to the degree our brains would have us believe.

So much more I want to share here, but I'm out of time for now. I'm going to fix some brunch and get ready for a remote broadcast this afternoon.

I hope you'll follow along on Facebook, Twitter and My Fitness Pal too. I'm Seanaanderson on MFP.

Thank you for reading and have a wonderful weekend,

My best always,

Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 6 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Wednesday, January 29, 2014

What It's Like

What It's Like

I'm very happy to be back. I'm contributing to this blog, maintaining a calorie budget and staying fairly active with Facebook and Twitter. I'm logging food, exercise and water consumption everyday on My Fitness Pal. I'm also staying closely connected to friends far and near, staying accountable and reaching out via text whenever a counterproductive food thought passes through my brain. Oh yeah, Gerri Helms has taught me, the best way to shut those crazy obsessive food thoughts down is to tell on 'em to someone, anyone. I'm getting more and more in touch with my own personal spirituality throughout this process. I'm realizing the truth, and that is: This isn't a solo battle. I'm not alone. You're here. I'm here. We're all here and we're doing this thing. And this thing is worth every ounce of effort. It's about life and freedom, clarity and peace. And it's about love and taking personal care. Choosing change is about all of these things and more. It's not effortless. It's work. But it's good work. It's not always fair, but some things just aren't and that's okay.

I'm wholly committed, my friend. And it feels phenomenal. It does because it wasn't that long ago when I wondered if it was even remotely possible to feel this way again. I was at the point of completely giving up. Struggling harder than I ever imagined possible, isolating in a place full of shame, guilt and regret...filling up on self-pity, self loathing and a general disgust--completely choosing a perspective void of even a shred of hope. And still occasionally trying to get it together only to fall again and again. As the weight gain continued, old issues started resurfacing.

I haven't shared this with anyone, but why not? A couple of months ago I sat on the edge of my bed and noticed a scab on my lower right leg. The weight gain had brought back swelling and since the skin on my lower right leg is forever damaged from my 500 pound days, it doesn't take much abuse for a tear to happen.  And there it was. The first sign of something horrific returning.  I'll never forget the pain of having a dozen or more sores after the constant swelling would rip my skin apart. I never want to get to that place ever again...but here it was, the start...and there I was feeling hopelessly doomed, almost attracted to the decline as if it had some insanely strong gravitational pull. What other freedoms will I lose?  How could this be happening?? Why????

 All kinds of questions pelted me during this decline: What did I learn while losing 275 pounds?  And why did the strength I felt back then feel a million miles away? It was like being fluent in a language and suddenly losing even the most basic elements of communication. Was I really going to work that hard, get to a healthy body weight, work through emotions and get to a place where I was healthier than ever...and then turn around and go the other way???  Did I somehow subconsciously decide I wasn't worthy?   

 Oooh... That's it, isn't it? I didn't deserve it. Okay, wow. That's heavy stuff. I wasn't worthy. How did I reach that ridiculous conclusion?

I suppose it happens over time. It's like we have a constant checks and balances happening with our perception of the good and the bad of our life. Every negatively perceived thing makes a mark, an impression, a scarring on our brain and then it sits and waits for other negative things to join in and these things grow.  Most of the time these negative perceptions aren't even our fault, but in a desperate effort to explain and understand, it becomes easier to just take the blame.  And maybe some aren't even bad, but compared to the standards and beliefs we hold, they're perceived that way.  And so it goes, our self-esteem, self-worth. And the other side, the positive happenings? They are wonderful, and they keep us going, but eventually they're diminished by the overwhelming darker, more negative perceptions, a bad apple if you will, spoiling the bunch.

As powerful as these dynamics seem, there's a serious problem. They're not true. I'm a good person, no--check that, I'm a great person. And I am worthy of feeling good. I am worthy of my success.

I'm going to take care of me with the positive care and love I've always deserved but was too caught up in false negatives to fully recognize. I want it for others, so why not offer the same love and compassion for me to enjoy?

This is a new day. This is a new perception. This is happening like no other time I've ever known.

This is the moment when "I'm Choosing Change" becomes even more powerful.  And it does because it's uninhibited by the deep seeded belief of unworthiness.

Let's do this.

Thank you for reading,
Goodnight and...
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 14 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , , , , ,

Sunday, January 27, 2013

The Intersection of Hope and Truth

The Intersection of Hope and Truth

As I move forward, I find the trek is different than before.  It's a trek affected by so many variables contributed by my success, struggles and my most sincere desires of today and for tomorrow.  As someone who, at my heaviest, was a source of constant excuses and rationalizations--and then chose to rise above them in every way, I'm acutely aware and much less accepting of anything resembling an excuse or rationalization.  Is it a case of being too hard on myself?  No.  Clearly not... It's simply a place of understanding where excuses and rationalizations for not doing the best I can, are clearly identified as such--and unless they're legitimate (and they rarely are), I automatically see through them and that takes me to a deeper place in thought.  Knowing and understanding this excuse vs. action dynamic doesn't exclude anyone from struggle--Lord knows I've proved this to be true in many ways.  Once the truest nature of the excuse/rationalization dynamic is revealed--it leaves only one option: Action.  As in, doing.

Okay--so there is another option, sure--but it requires a retreat into the dark abyss of denial--a place where we forcefully ignore the truth in what we've learned about ourselves, a place where we deny our proven capabilities in exchange for self-destruction despite knowing a better way.  Why would we choose this less than desirable option?  Because it doesn't require much effort.  It's easy--we flip a switch to the off position and we proceed--occasionally reminded of the better way--and pushing it back further anyway.

Recovery takes effort.  The rewards are enormous.  The alignment with our truest desires for internal peace and happiness is found in our thoughts and actions, the doing--and there's peace to be found, instead of turmoil, instead of struggle, instead of running against the grain of good--there's peace, harmony and success--just waiting for us to break free from whatever is holding.  And isn't it a massive revelation when we discover the only thing truly holding us back, is our own thoughts?

I was so moved by a recent email I received, I decided to bring out the essence of the message for discussion on my facebook page.  I've received several similar messages over the last four-plus years--but for some reason, this one just hit me harder...And it probably did because my recent struggles have taken me back--re-acquainting me with the thoughts and feelings described.

First of all--any email anyone sends me is private--and with this respect and consideration in mind, I asked the sender for permission to share--even though she wouldn't be identified in the least.  I've done this before because sharing and relating is important, one on one--and with anyone who might be helped by the exchange.  The facebook post received several replies--including one from Dave--the radio personality across the studio hallway from me.  Of course I know Dave as much more than a radio guy--he has experience and wisdom about many things---especially recovery.


The facebook post: 
"A message I received yesterday: “I'm so lost and hopeless at this point. Why can't I grab control and do this? It feels impossible.” Where you are is a familiar place for so many of us. You're not alone. The negative emotions you're feeling and these thoughts are not giving you an accurate perception of reality. Because reality is, there's hope. And there's plenty of people who are living and managing—and at first glance, it may appear they have it “easy.” I assure you, they're no different than you and me. There's an army of support for you. Just know, you have it inside you—this seemingly impossible ability to choose change—I guarantee it's there. Release the anxiety laden thoughts trying to convince you otherwise. How do I know it's inside you? Because I once (and a few times since) felt exactly the way you've described...and I found it in me."

Dave's reply:


"If I comment on Sean's status it is usually to give Sean a hard time, which he takes in stride and good humor, but today I want to share something in hopes it might reach the person who sent Sean the message about being "lost and hopeless". You see, I once felt profoundly lost and hopeless. Those feelings were horrible, but what I didn't know at the time was that those feelings were about to be the very thing that helped me break free to a new life more wonderful than I could have ever imagined. 25 years ago I had reached the end of my rope and it was all I could do to just hang on. Then I let go of the rope with one hand and reached out for help. I couldn't believe it when the people who answered my cry for help told me to let go with the other hand too! I thought, "Cant you see I'm barely hanging on here!?!" They explained to me that what I was holding onto wasn't going to help me. In fact I was holding on to my old self, my old way of thinking. They shared with me that I felt lost because I was lost, my old map was never going to help me because I was following it when I got lost. They also said I felt hopeless because hanging onto my old beliefs was no hope and deep down I obviously knew it. I couldn't argue with them because they made too much sense AND I could tell by the way they talked that they had been right where I was and had found a way out. Well I did let go, against everything in me crying out to hang on, I let go. What I found was that I did NOT plummet to my demise as all my fears had told me I would if I let go. Instead I was for the first time in a long time free. I was free from the strongest bondage that can ever exist. Those are the bonds that hold me in place, not because they are unbreakable, but because I cling to them. So if you feel lost I encourage you to look around and realize you are lost. And if you feel hopeless know that only by reaching out for help can you find hope. Real hope, real change. After all, as it was for me, I'll bet it is the same for you: All my best thinking got me lost and hopeless. Quit hanging on. Let go and fly."


That's golden.  Thank you Dave!

To me, letting go and flying is about opening my mind to the spiritual side of this journey.  Praying for strength, reaching out to friends and continuing to take one step at a time in a direction I undoubtedly know is right and good.

There is hope for all of us.  Recovery isn't reserved for the lucky few--it's claimed by anyone who truly desires and is willing to walk in the direction of their individual truth.  It doesn't have to be some grand movement--just positive movement forward with faith, intent and deliberate action.

Speaking of deliberate action... While I'm sweating on the elliptical this afternoon--getting lost in my music and pushing myself toward a good workout, I'll be reinforcing positive thoughts about this entire journey.  With intimate knowledge and experience on both sides of the mental battle, I've learned something I keep repeating every chance I can: Our thoughts have real power. We gravitate toward these thoughts--and so, minding them is just as important as planning our meals and scheduling our workouts.

I plan on weighing again Wednesday.  I look forward to sharing more of my progress along the way as I proceed to lose what I've gained.  I say this, knowing that recovery isn't simply measured by pounds on a scale.  It's measured by the level of care and importance we give to ourselves and our journey...and when we're moving forward and taking care of the inner workings of our mind--the outer results come as a side-effect.  My best to you--and thank you for reading.

Choosing change,
Sean
Posted by at 7 comments:
Labels: , , , , , , , ,
Subscribe to: Posts (Atom)





Copyright © 2008-2020 Sean A. Anderson

The Daily Diary of a Winning Loser. All rights reserved.