Since our last edition, I've maintained the integrity of my calorie budget, I've remained refined sugar-free, I've met or exceeded my daily water goal, and I've stayed well connected with exceptional support.
Mom took a sudden and sharp turn for the worse on Friday. I spoke with her when I left the studio on Friday afternoon. Aside from sounding groggy as one does after sleeping, she seemed fine. Three hours later found her unable to communicate with words. The alarm bells immediately went off for me and mom's sister, Kelli. I contacted mom's nurse and she informed me mom was found in her room with an ominous shade of gray and an oxygen level of 60%. Immediate action was taken, of course, and by the time I arrived in her room, she was still, for the most part, out of it, but at least her oxygen levels had rebounded to more acceptable levels. Her incoherency continued along with inconsistent vitals to the point of her nurse and doctor deciding a trip to the hospital was necessary around 11pm. Mom was too unstable for me to transport her, so an ambulance was dispatched to get her there.
I made my way into the familiar halls of the ER and found mom in a triage room. She was connected to all sorts of things and was unconscious; deep sleeping, really. The ER staff was concerned with the sudden changes, so much so, they decided a CT scan was necessary. After a few hours and a little more, the results were not interpreted just yet--but mom seemed stable, so I felt comfortable in leaving for some rest. The nurse assured me the plan included admitting her into the hospital for more comprehensive assessments and monitoring.
Mom was admitted to the critical care unit where she remains this morning. I don't understand it all but after a good one on one visit with her critical care unit doctor last night in her room, I have a little better grasp of the dynamics in play. Mom isn't a strong breather. Her shallow breathing sometimes doesn't expel the carbon dioxide as well as she needs--couple this with fluid build-up in her lungs from the congestive heart failure, and you can understand how this combination can reach a critical level very quickly. The fluid builds, the Co2 goes up, the oxygen saturation goes down---and suddenly, critical care is needed to bring her safely back from the edge. Mom's sleep apnea and blood sugar issues add to the challenges. She's in good hands. I cannot say enough good things about the quick response of the nursing staff where mom lives and the critical care unit at the hospital. She's getting the best medical care possible. Now, once stable, the plan focus will be on ways to manage these delicate and sometimes volatile conditions.
I've been taking care. Not eating my way through the uncertainty and emotion of circumstances like this isn't my normal auto-pilot response. My deep-seated code suggests excess food will make everything better but we know that isn't true. I'm grateful for the experiences along this road that have proven time and time again how food isn't the solution. It's common to hear, "my problem is the food," but the truth is, it's always been my solution. The problem is the disease of food addiction and compulsive overeating and how it does its darndest to convince me that excess food is a solid solution.
Some days, it is nothing short of a divine miracle that I'm not eating my way back to 500 pounds. I don't take too much credit for that. I humbly admit I don't "got this," ever. Thankfully, I've been blessed with a pause button that enables me to connect with what's true. A binge isn't going to fix mom's condition. In fact, the temporary reprieve; the distraction excess food would provide, would take me deeper and further away from being present enough to be there for her...or anyone for that matter, let alone, me.
In times of exceptional stress and emotion, I must double down on the mental, emotional, and spiritual elements of my daily practice. My morning foundational routine provides a daily opportunity to reconnect with what's true and what I can do in order to have one more day of sanity. It isn't always serene, although serenity is the goal. I believe serenity starts with an imperfect measure of sanity. If I can somehow do the work providing that measure of sanity each day, then I'm putting myself in a position to accept and embrace the promise of serenity.
My grandfather (mom's dad) would have been 97 yesterday. October 26th never passes without me thinking about him. Time passes so quickly. He's been gone for thirteen years even though it seems like a much shorter span of time. Grandpa passed along many things to me including his love of apples. He ate at least one a day. He loved apples, they were one of his favorite things. An apple and a baseball game or western on the tv, and he was living the life! I think he dreamed of being a baseball player when he was young. World War 2 changed his path and redefined his life. His incredible work ethic formed in his early childhood when he would work all day in the fields for a dollar a day. At the end of the week, he'd keep enough for a candy bar, soda, and a movie ticket--and give the rest to his parents to help with household expenses. He was an amazing man. I sometimes wish he could have been alive to see my transformation. He worried about me and my weight a lot. Somehow, I know--I feel, he's rooting for me each day.
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| Grandpa and me |
I'm about to prepare a good breakfast before heading up to the hospital to spend time with mom. I'm full of gratitude this morning for a very long list of blessings.
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Practice, peace, and calm,
Sean
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Prayers for your Mom. I know what you mean about wishing your grandpa was alive to see your weight loss success. My parents died before I started my journey and I know they worried about my weight. I like to think they know and are proud of my success, up and down as it is.
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