A Pain In My Behind and My First Bath In Twenty-Seven Years
As open and sharing as I've been in this blog, occasionally I'll leave out little details, especially if it's something that could be considered “too much information” or if it's completely irrelevant to the overall movement of this journey. Something I've been dealing with the last week or so has me “burning” to share. I have to write about it now, because it's such a major part of the last 24 hours of my life. Let me start by telling you that registered dietitian Sandy Gifford analyzed my daily food intake, and last Tuesday at the “Lose To Win” seminar she gave me some suggestions to improve. The big thing in her report? Fiber, and the fact that I don't get enough. She had many positive comments about my food habits, overall it was a good report card. We all know that increasing the fiber helps keep us regular in the bowel department. The same day she told me that I wasn't getting enough fiber, I was seriously constipated, horribly. So her findings made perfect sense. TMI yet? Hold on, it gets worse. If you're constipated and you “force the issue” so to speak, it puts pressure on the veins in your rear end, and that can lead to a very painful condition. This condition is what sidelined baseball Hall of Famer George Brett in the 1980 World Series. This condition often effects obese people, and is common among pregnant women, and apparently guys like me who don't get enough fiber. Hemorrhoids, there I said it. Last night my hemorrhoidal issues reached a painful peak. I've never had it as bad as I did last night. I honestly didn't know how I would get through writing last night's blog. I couldn't sit, I couldn't lay down, it hurt no matter what I did. Stinging and burning and driving me completely insane all night long. Over the counter ointment wasn't any match for these nasty things, and ibuprofen wasn't making a dent. This was crazy painful stuff. I didn't sleep at all last night and finally was able to sleep about an hour total. This afternoon I decided to head over to the urgent care clinic and seek some relief of some kind. They were closed. Easter Sunday is not a good day to look for a doctors office, so I had no choice, I had to visit the E.R. I told the receptionist that I was a little embarrassed to say why I needed to see a doctor, and she assured me she's heard it all. I paused about 10 seconds before telling her, just to make her really curious. She was relieved and not one bit surprised when I told her my situation. The triage nurse asked me how much I weighed, and when I said “probably about 360 or so,” she replied that I didn't look that big. That was a very cool compliment. She then told me she would try to find a doctor with really small hands for the exam we both knew was coming. I was hurting so bad, I didn't really care, as long as they made the pain go away. When the doctor walked in the room, he had a large plastic bag over his hand. I laughed out loud despite the pain, this guy had a sense of humor, my kind of doctor! Turns out, he too experienced this very condition a month ago, he had surgery to correct the problem. The exam wasn't pleasant, but it was over fairly quick. He prescribed a narcotic pain pill, a prescription strength cream, and recommended a hot bath.
I haven't taken a bath since I was ten years old or maybe younger. At a certain point I was just too big to take a bath, so it's been exclusively showers for me the last twenty-seven years. But I was determined to take one today. I picked up my medicine and drove straight home to draw a hot bath. I really worried that I wouldn't fit in the tub, but I did, easily too! It was very nice to take a bath again and the doctor was so right, it made me feel a whole lot better.
I was beginning to wonder if I would really feel like working out today, but after a nice little nap I decided that I was feeling good enough to hit the trail for a quick 5K. There was a heavy mist falling as I walked, but it felt really good.
I'm so tired at this point. I can't write anymore. The message of this blog tonight: Eat more fiber! Good night and...