The Power To Transform and The Understanding of Happiness
What a gift it is to be able to totally transform my appearance. It's almost magical. Think about that for a minute. Only people with a bunch of weight to lose have the power and ability to transform their appearance completely. There isn't a plastic surgery in the world that could even come close to the transformation destination I'm headed. That's exciting, real exciting. Still, like many overweight people, especially morbidly obese people who lose weight, the brain is always the last to fully accept and acknowledge the change. I can't count how many times I've said my weight recently as four something instead of three something, then I correct myself, or Irene corrects me. “You mean three fifty-nine, right?” “Oh, yeah, of course!” It's very interesting how the brain works. I was over 500 pounds so long that my brain is just really accustomed to all of the limitations and extreme restrictions I had to work around. When I look at these size 48's I'm wearing, they look way too little for me, or so my brain thinks, until I put them on and my brain says “Oh, my mistake.” After losing 146 pounds, my appearance has changed dramatically, but this is only the beginning. I just crossed the half-way mark. That's really amazing to me. I'm thrilled at what the future holds. I'm loving the new appearance as it slowly emerges.
A while back someone said that they “would miss the old Sean.” That statement really made me think about this journey on a deeper level. After some internal debate on the subject, I've concluded the following: The only thing that could be missed is my 505 pound appearance. That 505 pound guy is gone forever. But I'm still here. My existence at that weight was suffocating the real me inside. Whatever wonderful changes in my personality that come forward from this transformation were always there to begin with, just held back, oppressed, never allowed to see the light of day. The me that's emerging is an enhanced version. A version that has no limits, a version that believes anything is possible, a version with a renewed spirit and ability to dream dreams that were long since forgotten inside the old me. I've always been told that I was “likable.” I guess that's what the friend was referring when he said he'd miss that 505 pound Sean. That big jolly, smiling, always ready to laugh, always wanting to please, always wanting to be liked, the big guy that would go to great lengths for a laugh because it made him feel good for a minute, that guy was miserable inside. You rarely see the tears of a clown my friend. But Irene has. My mom has. My daughters have. There have been many that even they've never witnessed. In every way, the emerging me is much more genuine and real than the old Sean ever thought about being. Gone is the smiling mask I once wore to hide the real me, it's replaced with a genuine smile and brand new attitude. I don't have to pretend to be happy anymore. Everybody has a different idea of happiness. I use to think happiness would be winning the lottery, but this journey has given me a clearer understanding of real, true happiness. Now I understand when wealthy people say they're unhappy. I never could understand how someone could have everything and anything money could buy, but still feel unhappy. Now I understand the reason why happiness can't be bought for any price. To me, true happiness is being able to be the real me. True happiness is found in the honest purity of our true selves. Oh my, am I rambling here? Let me wrap this up by saying that I will never miss that 505 pound guy I once appeared to be, because that wasn't the real me. Like a caterpillar becoming a butterfly, I'm finally emerging from years of hiding inside that guy, becoming what I was always meant to be. Happiness is knowing that the positive personality I project mirrors how I really feel inside. I think I just said that a few sentences ago. Time for a new subject!
Irene and I celebrated twenty years of marriage today. Our official 'time off' to celebrate comes this weekend, but today was the official day. We've done most everything the hard way. When we made the very adult decision to get married at seventeen, we were clueless to the struggles we were sentencing ourselves. We entered our marriage with blinders tightly fastened in place, refusing to see or hear any voice of reason along the way trying to tell us how two kids didn't have any business getting married. We did it anyway, and although it hasn't been easy over the years, we've survived the stormy waters. We would never in a million years recommend getting married so young, but for us it's somehow worked out nicely, despite the fact that we've done everything backwards and uphill. We're successful parents and couldn't be more proud of our two daughters, and really that's the most important thing. As the waters become calm and the breeze of our journey sends us to new exciting destinations we've only dreamed about, I couldn't think of anyone I'd rather experience it with. I love you Buddy!
Tonight I traveled to Arkansas City, Kansas and the campus of Cowley College to judge the comedy night competition and as requested, perform stand-up. I was really impressed with the facilities, and even more impressed with the talented personalities in the competition. It was a fantastic evening. The students in that room were a fantastic audience too! It was really fun doing stand-up 146 pounds thinner. It was a tremendous difference indeed. Before the show I kept glancing over at my reflection on the mirrored wall. I realized that Courtney was exactly right, I really don't look like a grotesquely obese person anymore, I just look like a big guy who could stand to lose some weight. That's cool, real cool.
Day 214 has been a wonderful day. I'll hit the pillow tonight feeling good about the progress I've made. If you're just now discovering this weight loss blog, it certainly isn't what you might expect. This isn't just about the food I've consumed and the exercises I've completed. It's way more than that. I do eat 1,500 calories a day and exercise regularly, but that's the small stuff on this journey and I don't sweat it anymore. The big stuff is all about the mental changes along the way. If you've ever heard someone say “it's all up here,” while pointing to their head, they were right. Good night and...