Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Day 442 It's Harder When You Care and The Quest For Normalcy

Day 442

It’s Harder When You Care and The Quest For Normalcy

Monday started out moving very quickly on me and it never let up. This move of mine has me all stressed out. I hate moving, just absolutely detest everything it involves. And to think, some people do this for a living! I couldn’t imagine.

It’s crazy, but again I’ve had to deal with stressful triggers trying to manipulate me into bad choices with food and exercise. I won---but still, I guess I somehow thought I was beyond the effects of super stress. You see, I can handle regular stress really well, no problem at all. In fact, I perform at my optimum level under a healthy dose of stress, or energy---we’ll call it…But, you make it a super stress situation and watch out. I start to crumble like most people.

The more you care, the harder it is…because I know what’s right, I really care a bunch, making it harder to deal with these crazy stress triggered urges. Does that make sense? You understand? My importance level is super high; it’s life or death. If it weren’t---I would be careening out of control at this point. I guess what I’m saying is: It’s easy to not care. If you don’t care, you don’t have to fight. Just give in to the stressful triggers and go back to the habits that created the beast in the first place. It takes a special kind of resolve to make it through the most stressful situations. Nothing is going to steal this away from me, nothing…no stressful trigger, circumstance, person, place, or thing. Nothing can take away my resolve and separation of my habits from my emotions.

I’m telling you this: I fully understand why I struggled so hard in the past and why I failed so many times. I wasn’t ready to fight. I’m a fighter now. I’m defending myself with everything I have. I’m worth it. I’ve learned a strong lesson in loving myself enough to change, and doing everything I can to fully understand how that change occurs and how it becomes second nature. It is a process, I’ll tell you that. I haven’t perfected it yet, and I may never, but I’ll get close enough to ensure my success for life. How? Because I understand it now better than I ever have.

This morning I prepared an omelet but didn’t have time to eat it at home. No problem, I just plated the thing and took it with me. I showed the morning host down the hall my enormous five egg white, turkey breast, and mozzarella cheese creation and then asked him to guess the calorie content. He guessed 500 calories. His jaw dropped when I told him the wonderful calorie count: 180. Blammo! Yes…a big filling breakfast for 180! He couldn’t believe his eyes. I offered to cut him off part of it, but he declined and said he would start making them too.

My workout tonight was not my best effort. I took off for the trail with the intention of doing at least a 5K. Instead I did two laps, or 1.66 miles. Part of me says… "Sean, relax man. Something is better than nothing---look what kind of stress you’re under. You’re not Superman you know!” But I know this is a sneaky little rationalization designed to make me feel better about a lackluster workout. It’s a completely wrong attitude. I know what’s right. That’s not.

I grabbed a Subway sandwich for dinner. I normally don’t eat Subway this often. This was the second day in a row for this choice. I was just tired and in a hurry---it was easy, and probably the best choice I could have made out of all the choices on restaurant row in this town. Everything is packed in the kitchen. I didn’t want to dirty anything up. Excuses, excuses! I will say this: I look forward to next week. We’ll be completely settled in nice and cozy in our new place. Things will finally get back to some kind of normalcy.

Isn’t that what we’re after? Normalcy? What is normal? I feel more normal now than ever before. Normal is good. I long for normal. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

10 comments:

  1. These lines jumped out at me larger than life, Sean: "I fully understand why I struggled so hard in the past and why I failed so many times. I wasn't ready to fight. I'm a fighter now."

    That is freakin' genius. It's maybe the heart of the entire matter, in a nutshell.

    "I wasn't ready to fight." In the past, we have given up at the slightest provocation.

    "I'm a fighter now." Now you (and I hope I!) are willing to go through much more to stick to your weight-loss mission. You are saving your life and finding your true self. You are having to really fight for it right now, and I hope I can be equally tough when, someday, I am seriously challenged.

    You're in the ring with a seemingly relentless adversary right now, but I know you're not down for the count. You are up to this challenge; I know it.

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  2. That is the part that struck me, too, Sean. Being willing to fight for ourselves.

    And honestly, I PROMISE you I posted on my blog today BEFORE I read yours, and didn't just rip off your idea!! LOL! Looks like we are on the same page. I really appreciated reading what you said, I guess for selfish reasons... it reassures me I am on the right path! You are such a good example to follow, even right down to learning to recognize my own hidden "rationalizations".
    Thank you,
    Loretta
    =^..^=

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  3. You're right. You do shine under pressure. This is one of the best posts I've read to date. I cannot possibly convey how powerful this statement is:

    "I fully understand why I struggled so hard in the past and why I failed so many times. I wasn't ready to fight. I'm a fighter now."

    It just... it just says it all. Caring enough to put up a fight for your life is absolutely the quintessential piece of this puzzle.

    Glad to be fighting beside you.

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  4. Thank for reminding me that it is always a fight. But that we can continue to make good choices even under extreme stress. You are doing well Sean! Keep it up. Be blessed in your new house! You are always in our thoughts and prayers. Blessings--Bonnie and Andy

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  5. Great post Sean. I love describing yourself as a fighter-so true! We have to fight is we are going to win this battle!!

    Good luck with your move. I'm 26, and I have moved 8 times in the last 10 years. In fact, 9th grade was my 9th school! I'm an old-hand at moving lol but it still sucks!! ^_^

    Hope you have a fricking awesome Wednesday!! :D

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  6. Boy did you hit the nail on the head with that being ready to fight thing. I've called it a battle from the beginning, and we're all warriors in the fight. Here of late, you and I have both been going through some pretty stressful crap...some of it I haven't even mentioned over on my blog. The resolve it takes to wade through this crap w/o reverting back to old habits just blows my mind. But what's even more incredible, is that we're doing it. We're making it through, and we're both succeeding. Us and so many others out here. We rock. We are awesome. And the other thing that struck me the most that you said is "I'm worth it". That's been my hardest issue here lately....believing that I'm worth it. I'm starting to really believe that I am. There was one thing that you got all wrong though, so as your friend, it's my duty to point it out......you ARE Superman. :)

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  7. gah sean,
    You did better than me...I had one of your "worlds worst 1500 calorie days" type things.
    I didn't even get my workout in and man, by the end of things...I was PO'd.
    I am doing my workout tomorrow even though it was supposed to be my day of rest...Which I took today. Today can be flushed down the tube of yesterdays as far as I am concerned. Here's to tomorrow.

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  8. The thing is, it is always a fight whether or not we consciously realize it. I think stress brings the fight to the forefront. When things are good, it's pretty easy to get in your routine and go with it. When things are bad and stressed, well everyone needs comfort. When you've used food as comfort for years it's a hard habit to break.

    I ate Subway for dinner last night too - I had 400 calories to spend, it was 8 p.m. and felt like the perfect solution at the time since I didn't have sandwich ingredients at home. Hey, it's better than some other choices right?

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  9. Good choice with the Subway for dinner....when your stressed and you dont have something prepared it is soooo easy to eat something bad...YOU are making fab choices...keep it up :)

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