Another Dreaded, Often Times Avoided Subject
I’m preparing for a big year in review post for Thursday’s edition of this blog. I’ll have pictures, videos, and more! It’ll be fun putting it all together. I’m really looking forward to that post. 2009 will go down as the biggest turning point of my life. It’s been a breakthrough year to say the least. The thought of 2010 being even better is really exciting.
I promised to cook omelets for the girls this morning and I did. It was a nice breakfast with the two most important people in my life. In yesterday’s post I talked about setting a good example for my daughters and always being ready with good advice. But you must know, I’m not perfect. I’ve never claimed to be. My daughters know I'm not perfect. I was reminded of this after receiving an anonymous comment on yesterday’s blog asking me about smoking.
OK---Well, we talked about loose skin recently, now let’s chat about another avoided subject. Let me start by saying this: I will not run, hide, avoid, or pretend this addiction doesn’t exist in my life, it does. I’m not proud of it and I rarely mention it at all. But I have written about it in these writings.
Here’s an excerpt from Day 96 titled “My Dirty Little Not So Secret”
This blog has always been about losing weight while counting calories and exercising and all of the mental aspects that go along the way. It's been about humorous experiences and serious decisions too. When I say “good choices” I'm talking about food and exercise choices. With that said, there's one thing I've never talked about in the previous 95 days worth of blogs. I make nearly forty, sometimes more bad choices every day. I sometimes make the bad choice without even thinking, I just do it. I smoke cigarettes. I have since I was 17 years old. How am I not dead yet? A twenty year smoker with a top weight of over 500 pounds? That's committing slow suicide my friend. And yet, as I've grabbed control over my weight loss world, I've allowed the smoking to continue without regard to the possible consequences. How is it that I can completely get in the zone and re-teach myself how to eat and exercise to lose weight, but I can't seem to go too long without lighting a nasty cigarette? I'm completely addicted to nicotine, but that's not a valid excuse...I've been completely addicted to over-eating too. I have to say that losing weight is much easier than giving up the smokes. A doctor once told me to quit smoking first, then worry about the weight. The exact opposite of what I've been doing. It was the exact opposite of what I thought he'd say. I was sure he would say lose the weight now, quit smoking as soon as you can. That's pretty scary when a doctor feels it's safer to be nearly 300 pounds overweight than to smoke. I haven't addressed this topic out of shame. Although many people who read this and know me already know I smoke. And even though losing weight and quitting smoking are two different things, I still have felt like a hypocrite.
I still feel that way. It’s been nearly a year since I’ve even mentioned my nasty habit. It’s embarrassing really. If you’ve read every single day, then you already knew. And you might remember what the doctor told me. He said to keep losing weight and let the wanting and need for smokes gradually and naturally decline as I become smaller and smaller. He feared that if I tried quitting at that time maybe I would’ve completely wrecked my weight loss success. He wanted to see me succeed at losing this weight and I have and continue to lose---so maybe now’s the time to address the issue of smoking. I’ll allow nothing to stop my weight loss efforts. That’s not a concern of mine. Hasn't been for a while. So why haven’t I done it before now?
It’s a horrible example I’ve set for my kids, this smoking. The minute I read that comment I knew that it was time to bring up this subject again. My first instinct was to pretend the comment didn’t exist. It must have come from someone that knows me personally, a longtime reader, or someone who has read through the archives like a book. I quickly decided to face the subject again without fear and with 100% honesty. That’s what this blog is all about. Honesty, self-honesty---being real. This blog is a weight loss blog, and I take great pride in what we’ve done here. But if I’m ever to realize my dreams of making weight loss motivational speaking and writing a career---I seriously need to give up the smokes too. How can I talk and write about losing weight and getting healthy if I’m still a smoker? It is two different things, but still---it all falls under the overall topic of good versus bad health.
Again, it is two different animals. I don’t know what kind of fallout if any I’ll have over this subject, but come what may---the fundamental truths of this blog remain. If you want a successful weight loss blog, you’ve found it. Look around, there are many more just like me. I’ve cut through all of the crud that kept me over 500 pounds for nearly two decades. I’ve discovered my past weight loss flaws and corrected a lifetime of horrible food addiction along the way. It’s not perfect---and I’ve never claimed it was.
Oh how badly I wish I could have simply replied, “Yes, I quit a long while back!” But I didn’t. Have I cut down? Yes, actually I have, but that’s not good. The only good thing would be to stop completely. Maybe I should seek out a good stop smoking blog. I feel a responsibilty to set a better example for my daughters, first and foremost, and also those that follow and support my weight loss efforts. I will make this something of a priority in my life.
I spent nearly an hour in the fitness room tonight. I did the elliptical for 15 minutes and then did 2.5 miles on the treadmill. I should have pushed the walk/jog to 3.1 for the 5K, but decided an hour was good work. I returned home and waited on Courtney to get home. I normally don’t worry too much, but she’s a new driver and it was snowing. When she called and said she was staying at her mom’s place…I dropped in bed. It took me a while to go to sleep. I’ve allowed my schedule to get a little messed up with the time off. Plus, I lay there letting this smoking topic drive me nuts.
We watched a home video from last January right before Amber left today. I couldn’t believe my eyes at the difference. I had lost just over 90 pounds at that point. To me, I still looked like 505, but anyway. It’ll be interesting to post the year in review on Thursday night. I’ll have pictures from throughout this journey from the start to the present.
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…