The Slow Self-Image Changes and The Familiar Look I Love
Thank you for all the wonderful support and congratulations for my three pound triumph on the scale yesterday. I was very pleased. In the beginning, people would say “Sean, it's going to slow down eventually, just know that.” And I would say “whatever!” Well, they were right and I was wrong! It does slow down and that's OK. I've finally accepted that losing weight where I am now is drastically different than losing weight where I started. It wasn't that long ago that even a five pound loss in two weeks would upset me horribly, remember Day185? Here's an excerpt from 99 pounds ago: Weigh day can be fun. Like when I crossed under 400. If you had witnessed that moment you would have thought I just won the Super Bowl. A couple of weigh days ago when I pounded out 13 pounds, and in doing so set a new personal weight loss record of 119 pounds, that was a big celebratory weigh-in complete with whooping and hollering and generally acting a fool. Today wasn’t like that. First of all, I’ve finally convinced myself that I don’t necessarily have to weigh at The Payne County Health Department. I didn’t have a choice at 505 pounds, but now that I’m well under 400 I have scale choices for the first time in my adult life. Irene helped me decide to save the trip to Stillwater, since we were there Tuesday evening, and weigh here in Ponca City today. I started out by weighing at the doctors office, then I weighed on two different scales at the Ponca City Medical Center “Lose To Win” Headquarters. All three scales agreed that I weighed 374. I wanted more, I mean less, you know what I mean. I didn’t want to take 374 as an answer. 5 pounds? What?? Are you serious? I’m a stickler on my calorie allotment. When the daily calorie withdrawal is spent, it’s spent. I’m exercising everyday. I’m making all the right moves and this is how I’m rewarded?
Wow, what a spoiled little baby! This journey is full of learning. If I'm not continuously open to learning and accepting the truth, then how can I develop as a person and a weight loss warrior? The truth is: It does slow down. It does take more effort when you have less to lose. It's simple math and science really. My education of me about me continues in grand fashion!
I've written quite a bit lately about changes. If you're a regular reader of this blog you already know about all of the many changes we're experiencing in the Anderson household, or uh...households. One of the changes, the self-image changes, was addressed recently in an e-mail from a regular reader. This reader has also lost a considerable amount of weight and is dealing with many of the same issues I've written about lately. This reader will remain anonymous as I share the exchange. Reader: I still have days where I am scared to try new things because I don't want people to LOOK at me. Isn't that pathetic? I am working on it everyday. I am trying to be confident in my new slimmer body but somedays its hard. I feel like I will always be the person that was circus person fat. I wonder when that will change. My new challenge has been shopping at stores other then Lane Bryant and The Avenue. I am now in a size 14 jeans and I just can't imagine shopping at "normal " stores. I was wondering if you had any advice as to how to "get over" the insecurities of being really overweight for most of your adult life? I know thats a tough question but I was just wondering.
My reply: I'm kind of where you are. I'm still very insecure. I think it will just take time to realize. When I shop for jeans, I still hold up the new jeans and my brain says "no way, they're not going to fit." But then I try them on and they fit. It just takes time. I still feel like the fat guy in public. It's something that I think will take a serious effort and maybe some therapy to overcome. After being morbidly obese, or as you put it "circus person fat," (I love that description by the way) for our entire lives---to just all of a sudden discard all of the emotions and problems we created mentally and physically---is really asking a lot. It might sound conceited---but I try to look at myself more. In the mirror or window reflection---the more I look, the more I'm growing accustomed to looking drastically different. Because my brain still thinks I'm huge, ya know? Isn't the brain a strange thing?? When will it change? When we become accustomed to our new self. When being smaller and healthier becomes the norm. When it's no longer a new thing---That's when it will become natural. Right now it feels unnatural because being huge is all we've ever known... Someday, even though we'll never forget---Being thin and healthy will be what we know, it will become the norm---it will be us.
Courtney and I found a perfect excuse for eating out tonight. Most of our kitchen items are still packed in boxes. I know, we could have unpacked them---I think I even said at one time that the kitchen stuff would be the first unpacked, but we've been very busy people! Anyway, we discovered KFC's latest Kentucky Grilled offer: 395 calorie meal for $3.95. That sounded great, healthy, and so easy. Besides, Courtney needed help with homework tonight, so the convenience was appreciated. We enjoyed dinner together while we worked through her really tough assignment.
The 395 calorie meal comes with a grilled thigh and drumstick plus mashed potatoes, gravy, and green beans. We saved even more calories. How? We asked for a white meat breast instead of the thigh and drumstick. All of a sudden that 395 calorie meal became 345 calories. Want to save a little more? If you can live without the gravy you can subtract another 30 calories for a total meal count of 315. We enjoyed the gravy. Gravy is good every now and then, don't you think? I noticed that KFC has revised the calorie counts for the grilled chicken. They originally listed a drumstick as 70, now it's 80. A breast was 170 or 180 if I remember right, now it's listed as 190. And the thigh that was 140 is now listed at 160. Still great values if you ask me, especially when you compare to the fried side of that place. After dinner and homework, Courtney, in appreciation of my help, offered to treat me to a small Braum's frozen yogurt twist on a cake cone. It checks in at less than 200 calories and it's the perfect creamy lower calorie desert treat!
Courtney is busy studying for a test as I write. I'm about to change into my workout gear, ok---uh, my workout pants, and hit the fitness room downstairs. We're loving this new apartment, especially the fitness room!
Oh, I almost forgot to share something really cool. I stopped into the apartment community office when I arrived home this afternoon. Brian is the man in charge and he was visiting with Roxanne, a longtime listener and frequent winner of prizes on my radio show. I've known Roxanne for almost a decade and she never fails to strike up a conversation when we run into one another in public. Except today. I walked into the office as Brian and Roxanne were finishing up their conversation. Roxanne looked directly at me and didn't acknowledge me at all. As she turned to open the door and leave I said “So, you're not even going to say hi?” She had that familiar look of shock and amazement (I love that look from people), and replied “I just don't hardly recognize you anymore.” It made my afternoon, it really did.
Thank you for reading and all of your wonderful support along this road. I'm so thrilled to be writing a post on the night of the day I'm writing. This day behind stuff was getting old! I'm sure we'll still have weekend days that get posted the next day, but usually it will be posted at night or very early the next morning. If you missed it, just scroll down for Day 451. Goodnight and...