Monday, December 28, 2009

Day 469 Perhaps I Should Save This For The Therapist and The New Shirt Picture!

Day 469

Perhaps I Should Save This For The Therapist and The New Shirt Picture!

I spent most of the day alone with my thoughts. I'm not complaining, sometimes it's nice to just think and think some more without any interaction. As I try to find the positive in this, because really---I can't stand being alone, I try to focus on the positive choices and plans that will take me where I want to go. The possibilities for me at this point have never been better or more exciting. 2010 is going to be a really good year, I mean incredible.

As positive as I try to be, it's easy to allow negative or depressing thoughts to filter into my little happy thoughts party. Being alone for me is like walking a tight rope of thoughts, attitudes, and emotions. I have to be real careful not to focus on the negative changes or I'll fall. A friend recently said “Sean, you have to look at these “negatives” as positives!” That's so true, but sometimes easier said than done. The crazy irony for me is this: The biggest motivator for me to get started on this road was to save my marriage and family. I'll never forget the night of September 13th, 2008. I could clearly see how my dangerous weight was scaring my wife and family and threatening our existence as one family unit. And now---even though I've been wildly successful at losing weight by getting to the roots of it all and digging my way out, our existence as a family is forever altered anyway.

Perhaps I should save this for the therapist. But this blog has been an amazing therapy for me. I've worked through some lifelong issues with food and obesity one day at a time. I've broken it down into very simple terms while weaving my way through extremely complex psychological exercises. Has it all been correct? Who knows, I'm not a medical doctor, or a psychiatrist—I'm just a professional announcer, morning personality, a radio commercial copy writer, a communicator. In my search to find the right words to convey the emotion and mental process of losing a lifetime of morbid obesity, maybe I've stumbled upon some universal keys to success. But still, some things are harder to figure out. I've always been so focused on the positive aspects of losing the weight, I didn't pay much attention to the possible negative affects of such a drastic, dramatic transformation. The problem is, I can only cut through, or attempt to cut through my own issues. I can't completely understand or cut through issues others might have or had through it all. And that is exactly where most of my frustrated thoughts live. But you know something? If this is the price of being free of morbid obesity, free of the psychological, emotional, and physical limitations of weighing over 500 pounds---then OK. I didn't realize the price could be so high, but I'm pot committed win or lose, there's no turning back. The turn was tough, but the river holds promise. We're going to be just fine.

I found it very tough to pull myself out of the recliner today to walk the twenty steps to the fitness room. I just didn't want to do anything. Some days are like that. But I couldn't allow myself to wallow in that place---I had to move. I walked into the fitness room with the intentions of doing a 5K---but I just wasn't in the mood. I hit the two mile mark and hit the stop button. I need to take a workout partner with me every time, I swear. Because sometimes, especially when you're alone, it's too easy to be lax. I quickly returned to the apartment and felt the renewal of a refreshing shower. I really felt better after that shower. I felt invigorated. I almost felt like going back to the fitness room, but I didn't.

Courtney called from her mom's house and invited me shopping. The Christmas Eve blizzard kept her from shopping for me prior to Christmas, so she wanted to buy me something nice. She knows that clothes are something I always need. She decided to buy me a shirt! I told her to save her money, but she wouldn't hear of it! She's so generous. It was fun shopping, it really was. I tried on several shirts. One style in 2X was too big! Can you believe that? The regular X-Large was perfect. Very strange feeling indeed. It felt amazing. It's moments like this when I'm completely convinced I'm doing this, I'm really doing this! We found an amazing sale on a Polo pullover. Half price, and then when you buy one—you get the next item of equal or lessor value for a dollar! I had never stepped foot in this clothing store before today, I never belonged here---but I do now. They had stuff that was too big for me!! I still can't get over that. Very cool. Pictures of this wonderful gift below!

I enjoyed a wonderful movie with my daughters tonight. We watched Wall-E. Amber loves this film, especially the unspoken social commentary that is constantly running throughout the story. It was a really good film indeed. I thought it was interesting how everyone is morbidly obese in the future because everything is done for them, all they have to do is ride around in their reclining seats. Hmmm.

Thank you for reading. Amber is staying until Tuesday, and I'm off work until Wednesday, perfect. I plan on hitting the YMCA on Monday for some racquetball and weights. I'll let you know how that goes, I'm sure it will rock! Goodnight and...

Good Choices,
Sean

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The side view in the new shirt. Once dreaded, not so much anymore. I'm cool with the side view these days. Thank you for the shirt Courtney!

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Horrible side view. Oh my...did not like this one one tiny bit. None of us did. But---it certainly serves as a wonderful reminder of how far we've come.

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From Thanksgiving 2009.

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Amber and me tonight.

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15 comments:

  1. "I found it very tough to pull myself out of the recliner today to walk the twenty steps to the fitness room. I just didn't want to do anything" This is so how I have felt these Xmas holidays and it is hard isn't it but when reading this post and realising I am not the only one that feels like that I am determined to get out today even though it is raining outside. Thanks Sean

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  2. WOW! Looking back at the before pics is crazy for us that knew you when....Same ole Sean just much less of him. Great job!

    P.S. Could your teeth get any whiter?

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  3. Sean,

    Again...where are you hiding your weight? You look fabulous!

    Kyle
    kgershman.blogspot.com

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  4. When I don't feel like working out I always negotiate: 10 minutes or 1 mile or whatever. When I reach that I often feel like continuing. But, sometimes I don't and so I stop. It's OK. I also think this time of year just wreaks havoc on routines and emotions. All of that combines to try to sabotage you. I think the fact that you went the 2 miles is great.

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  5. There are definitely days where I just want to curl up in a blanket and watch a movie, but I somehow make it to the gym because I remind myself that getting in good shape is my number one priority. You are looking good Sean :).

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  6. You are looking so good Sean:0) Don't let the lonesome bug get to you, it comes on strong this time of the year, especially after a break up.

    You have had an amazing year and next year is going to be Awesome.

    Wishing you and your family the best of everything.


    hugs

    Sheilagh

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  7. Any transformation is painful. It requires going deep within and excavating some stuff that you were trying to keep buried. But at a certain point, you have to embrace change or die. Wonderful job on embracing the change.
    BODA weight loss

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  8. I hate that feeling when you just can't muster the want-to to really engage in a workout. I think this time of year is tough on everyone...

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  9. Love the new "fitting" shirt photo you look fabulous !! Well done :)

    I went and did a 5 km this morning, I have set myself a goal to walk a 7km race in Feb hence something to work towards.. Maybe an idea for you, set an exercise goal so you have something to motivate you a little more ??

    Take care
    Vic

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  10. Great pictures, I love the smile! Way cool you're in a X-large.

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  11. Hi sean,
    I have had one blessing in my life.
    That is this...I have rarely if ever had support.
    Of any type.
    I have always had to pull it up from my toes.
    Doing it and doing it and doing it, makes it easier.
    There have been times in my life when I was certain that whatever is or was occurring was too awful to ever right itself.
    I was wrong every time. there is a reason and a purpose.
    When God closes the door (sometimes on our toes...or hearts) he opens a window.
    We have to keep an open mind, and an open heart. He will make you go through it first.
    He'll make you feel every crappy lonely emotion. But if you respond and continue to respond in the way your heart and spirit tells you to, The right way (usually the hard way)you will not only come out okay, you will come out better. Maybe this is your time to be alone.
    It's a good time to figure out who you are apart from being a father and a husband or a commentator.
    This is an excellent time to completely redefine yourself. Look inside and decide who you want to be from this moment on.
    Good luck and good wishes.
    Chris

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  12. Hi Sean, I just started following your blog, and I must say...you are truly an inspiration. And although I'm married, I must say you are a very handsome fellow. :)

    Even though you are going through some tough times with your family, it's so good you are continuing to take care of yourself and your health. Be sure to leave yourself open for whatever else good might come your way.

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  13. You-Look-Amazing!! Seriously Sean! WOW! So glad you actually "ENJOYED" the shopping trip!!

    We all know how life can be tough, but you are dealing well. And using the blog in this way can only be therapeutic too!

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  14. Wow!! That's about all I got. WOW!!

    You are an incredibly handsome man. Since I left my first comment last week, I have been plugging away at your archives. I've been reading a month each night, starting from Day 1, and, of course, reading your daily posts. I was so confused the first day because the archives talk about how happy you and your wife were, then the "new" posts mentioned moving into your apartment. I still haven't hit the turning point in your story, but let me just say that I hope everything works out for the best. Whether that means staying apart, or getting back together, I just hope things go whichever way is healthiest for your whole family. In the meantime, I'm so impressed with your commitment to this journey. It's so easy to fall back to old, comforting habits when there is turmoil in your life. You are truly an inspiration.

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