Understanding—I Want More and No More Hiding In Public
Monday morning meant another meal in a restaurant before taking Ann to her plane bound for Boston. It was 3:30am when the alarm sounded and convenience was the deciding factor in our breakfast choice. You see, The International House of Pancakes, or IHOP, was right across the street from the hotel---it was easy. So was Cracker Barrel last night. That was way too easy and a little scary. More on our breakfast adventure in a moment, but first…
I have to talk about the Cracker Barrel situation from last night. I was completely shaken on the inside, horrified at my choices. Not because of what they were, but because of what they mean to me, and the possible effects they can manifest. It was so much bigger than a 270 calorie corn muffin, ½ a biscuit, and ½ an ice cream sundae. You see, I know too much to ever go back, I sincerely believe that. My brain will not allow me to accept the food behaviors that kept me close to and over 500 pounds for nearly two decades. But---what I did last night was loosen my grip on the fundamentals that have helped me shed 240 pounds in the last 526 days. I knew better and I did it anyway. You might say “Sean, seriously man---relax already…it’s ok, lesson learned…move on.” And I will, I am, but I must recognize and analyze what really happened in that Cracker Barrel---I must understand it to prevent it from becoming acceptable. Maybe I think too much, but maybe that’s exactly why I am where I am. I’m just a student really. I’m learning just like you. And I’m digging deep to learn the good stuff, the deep stuff that has puzzled so many for so long. I long for understanding. I’ve found a bunch of it, I want more. And I’ll get it.
Walking into that IHOP with complete confidence was very easy. There was no way I could or would allow a repeat of last night. I decided before we left the hotel: A couple of whole eggs and some toast, maybe some fruit. I was pleasantly surprised to find a wonderful new menu called IHOP for Me. It’s full of better choices and comes complete with entire meal calorie counts. It thrills me that many restaurants are moving in this direction. IHOP impressed me today, they did. I ordered a veggie omelet made with Egg Beaters and a side of fruit. I also enjoyed several bites of Ann’s harvest grain blueberry pancake. The meal was 360---and with coffee and the bites of the pancake, I was satisfied with a total breakfast count of 500 calories. That’s a little more than I usually have at breakfast, but it felt good and right. Bottom line? I was confident with my choices this morning.
I had a great time meeting and getting to know Ann over the last four days. I know that we’ll be friends for a good long time. The laughs we shared and the conversations we understood were worth it all. So many similarities and understanding are revealed when you share time and space with someone who has also experienced this kind of total transformation. The universal truths of food addiction, or addiction of any kind, and the personality traits that come from that addiction can be understood, untangled, and eventually liberating---or misunderstood, confusing, and forever imprisoning. I’m working toward the understanding and untangling part. Aren’t we all just trying to find freedom?
After taking Ann to the security checkpoint, it was time for me to head North for mom’s place. We planned on having coffee out and conversation before I headed home, and that’s exactly what we did. Mom is so wonderful. I’m truly blessed to have such a great mom. She’s always listening, always asking questions, but never judging and she's very trusting. I love her dearly. We couldn’t help but snap a picture this morning.
My afternoon wasn’t completely free of work. I had a broadcast to do from the new Verizon Store. The ribbon cutting ceremony was full of local dignitaries and it never fails…people come up to me in awe of my transformation. The manager of the store remembers me from a year ago---and she just couldn’t believe the difference. She just kept looking at me. Then, as we talked about the event, a customer popped in with “Sean, is that you?” It was a very nice lady that use to work at city hall, she remembers me at my heaviest---and in the very beginning of this journey. She was stunned by the difference to say the least. These type of “wow” reactions are incredibly intoxicating. And when I heard someone say that they couldn’t eat one of the mini-sandwiches available because “I’m on a diet,” I parlayed that into an opportunity to share this blog address. It was a good experience. It always is these days. I can remember years past when hiding in the remote vehicle, just hoping that I could do the entire broadcast without seeing too many people was the norm. Now I want to see people. I want to smile. I want to experience life again. It’s safe to say my work performance has improved because of the weight loss, absolutely.
I read a blog posting last evening by Zaa Baby. She wrote it a few days ago---and I’m telling you…I hope you read it too. She has a wonderful way of expressing the joy and wonderful emotions this road can deliver. I shed tears in reading her words---I felt every single one. I know you might experience the same thing. If you haven’t already---please, go there and read what she’s written. It’s beautiful. Just click this link: http://zaaisshrinking.blogspot.com/2010/02/day-289-nine-month-anniversary-and.html
I visited the studio tonight to talk with Courtney a little bit (she was working). She’s coming home to the apartment tomorrow night and staying a few days. That’s good, real good. I need some good quality time with Courtney like I had with Amber recently.
I drove back to the apartment and decided to do something in regards to a workout for today. I was extremely tired---but made sure I did some good strength training exercises before bed. I usually wait until I get up---but I needed it tonight, I did. I honestly needed a bigger and better workout---but that’s in the books for tomorrow. I was exhausted tonight. It was a very long day.
Thank you for reading. Pardon me for getting so serious and deep sometimes. I just can’t help it, I swear. Believe it or not---I really am smiling and laughing most of the time! Goodnight and…
Good job IHOP! Great idea.
My breakfast plate. The omelet looked more like a scrambled egg type thing, but it didn’t matter---It was really good.
Mom is the best, pure and simple…the best in so many ways.