Wednesday, July 16, 2014

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

July 16th, 2014 Unless I Was Willing To Let It All Go

I really feel like I'm into a solid groove these days. I've found a balance. I've had more than 80 days without eating straight sugar, I've written eighty-four consecutive daily blog posts, I'm approaching 100 days binge free, I've exercised regularly and I'm eating better than I have in my entire life. I must pause occasionally and express incredible gratitude for this dramatic turnaround. I say a prayer every day that this balance maintains and everyday it feels like it's here forever. Yet, I know better than to ever settle or relax my stance with an attitude of "I got this."

I was in a very dark place with all of this not too long before and on more than one occasion entertained the thought that I should possibly just let it all go. The weight, my health, my hopes and dreams--all of it, just let it go. I gave it serious thought. Delete the blog, get off Facebook and convince Amazon and every other book seller to stop selling my book. I was losing the fight and about to throw in the towel...but I couldn't do it. I kept getting messages from people, some just discovering my book and/or blog--and the messages were overwhelmingly positive about how my story was helping them with theirs. When an in-patient food addiction treatment center replied to my inquiry about rates and a possible stay, I grew even more depressed. It was going to cost $14,000 for a 30 day stay. I couldn't afford it, but I couldn't afford to stay out of control, unless I was willing to let it all go.

People would still love me, my kids, my mom--family and friends, they would hurt for me, but their love and support would never go away. Perhaps I wanted too much, to be free? Maybe living at a healthy weight wasn't meant to be? Simply not caring would possibly be easier, I thought, but I was wrong. Not caring would be easier in the day to day actions but impossible for me to accept in the bigger picture.

What was most damaging to my psyche was the misalignment between my actions and the public persona I felt I needed to maintain during my deepest and darkest struggles. I wouldn't allow myself a shred of self-compassion over this, brutalizing myself constantly with negative thoughts and actions. Through it all, surprisingly, I never lost the ability to genuinely encourage, support and give fantastic advice to others, but at the same time, finding my balance personally felt a million miles away.

To be where I am today is miraculous to me. It's been a very quick turnaround complete with epiphanies that will forever affect my life in positive ways. My hopes and dreams are alive and well. I'm comfortably on my way back to my healthiest weight. And most importantly, I've learned valuable lessons I needed to experience in order to live my best life, for the rest of my life. I'm still learning. Had I never faced the struggle of the regain and all of the emotions and negative energy in that direction, I wouldn't have felt as prepared as I feel I am today.

I didn't give up. I almost did. But I didn't. I could have closed the curtain on that deal a long time ago, but I was constantly being shown the light peeking through, calling me toward it. I have so many blessings to be thankful for these days. There's always light. Even on the darkest day the sun is shining on the other side.

My spinning class today was only 45 minutes instead of an hour like I thought. When the instructor said "seven more minutes," I felt such a relief. The spinning classes are some serious work, especially at this weight. I feel good after. Making it all the way to the end of the class leaves me with an incredible sense of accomplishment. I plan on continuing with spinning every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

I visited Courtney and Noah after my workout. Noah and I played with my phone and had a wonderful time before his dinner time. He's eating regular food now and he's naturally doing very well with the transition from formula and baby food. His smile fills me with an indescribable joy.

I stopped by Amber's apartment on my way to dinner for a quick visit. She updated me on her preparations for her new job as an elementary special education teacher. She's excited and I'm thrilled and excited for her too!

I decided to have some fajitas out instead of cooking tonight. I have a few solid strategies for getting in and out of the restaurant within my calorie budget. I employed them tonight with much success. Details in the tweets below.

Good food day!












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean

12 comments:

  1. This post really hit me. I am struggling with a regain too but am slowly realizing I cannot or will not give up. I remember how good it felt to lose, so how did I get back to this point? Today is my day 1 of giving up sugar. I am so hoping that this helps cut the cravings.

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    1. Katrin, I know you can do this. I honestly thought I couldn't at one point-- I believe if I can do it, nearly anyone can. It has made a monumental difference in me, for me. I would bet it will do the same for you!

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  2. You are hitting a milestone! It is wonderful to know that we can chose to change, and actually DO IT - so many times that is our weakness! Because we all want to change, but it is soooo hard to bring it all together!
    And you food looks great! It's all about health and healthy choices! And sugar (for us, it seems) really is "the debil"!!
    <3

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  3. Yep--your post today hit me too. I thought about giving up more than once as I was gaining 30+ pounds back. It would be so easy to quit caring about my weight, but then I'd also have to quit caring about my health, my mobility, my self-respect. And I'm just not ready to give that up. I have loved so much the past few years of feeling good, after 30 years of feeling less than human, both mentally and physically. Your words make a difference Sean!

    "Simply not caring would possibly be easier, I thought, but I was wrong. Not caring would be easier in the day to day actions but impossible for me to accept in the bigger picture."

    Thank you once again.

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    1. "...then I'd also have to quit caring about my health, my mobility, my self-respect. And I'm just not ready to give that up." Never give it up! I'm so happy this post resonated with you! You're very welcome--and thank you for your incredible support!!

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  4. I just recently came to terms with my own food addiction. I've spent a lifetime avoiding the truth, but for me, honesty was the first step on the road to recovery and healing. I appreciate you and your honesty in this journey...your blog continues to inspire me! Thanks Sean.

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    1. Kimberlynn, Coming to terms and this place of acceptance, to me, was the hardest part...after I fully embraced and decided, ya know what? I can have a wonderful life in recovery...My attitude shifted---suddenly it wasn't as difficult--at times, dare I say, easy! Honesty was the first step for me too. Getting super-duper real with ourselves isn't easy, in my opinion, because we have built in defense mechanisms that kick in--and are willing to fudge our reality in order to "protect" us from the truth. Taking manual control of those defenses and saying, no--I need to come to terms with this, is critical. Kimberlynn, I'm genuinely excited for you and what this means for your journey!!! You're welcome-- and thank you for you wonderful support!

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  5. I truly believe that all of our weight-loss stories are different, so that the one person who needs to hear what we have to say can feel hope too. I've been doing this now for 21 years and most people don't relate to that. The path to a healthy body is often wrought with twists and turns. I've had health challenges which cause slight gains. while you experienced a full blown return to eating and are living to tell about it.

    Most people who return to old eating habits don't make it back. I'm so glad that you did, Sean.

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    1. I couldn't agree more, Gerri. It was much harder to relate to your 21 years of maintenance before I gave up sugar and starting taking extraordinary care...now, I've got a ways to go, but I can see how this could work long term...and I feel so good about it. Thank you Gerri for showing me how it's done.

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  6. First - I think you are bang on, that your struggle with regain taught you lessons that have changed you for the better and will continue to help you find success.

    Second - Gerri's comment above that most people don't return from going back to old eating habits shows that you are a fighter!!! (it means I am too!)

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    1. I've always thought it important to flip unsavory circumstances over and look at it from all sides...If there's positive to be found, it feels good finding it. We are fighters!!! Arhg!!! It's very true, though...We are absolutely fighters. I refuse to give up.

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