Saturday, May 9, 2015

May 9th, 2015 As Close As My Next Choice

May 9th, 2015 As Close As My Next Choice

I enjoyed sleeping in this morning. Going to bed without setting an alarm is an awesome thing.

My day was planned in anticipation of being called into work for weather coverage. I arrived at the YMCA for my workout fairly early, ahead of when the weather models predicted storms. I reported to the studio immediately after my workout and... no storms. Good! The forecasters seemed absolutely certain of a major outbreak today. Instead, it was calm. It was nice. And it felt good to not wait until almost closing time to get into the Y on a Saturday.

After yesterday's "brownie incident," today was a day to enjoy the peace and stability I'm accustomed to enjoying. See, that was a big issue yesterday. The feeling of instability freaked me out a little. I didn't like feeling that weaker side of me, the vulnerable--and when I started feeling unstable, it brought forward flashbacks to my time in relapse and regain when I was regaining weight rapidly and felt a million miles away from any stability whatsoever. The experience showed me how that place is never really too far away. It's as close as my next choice, if that's the direction I choose.

My choices today were solid, delicious and free of compulsive/obsessive thoughts over any of it. It was a great food day. I chose to prepare all of my food because I know I'll be dining out with mom tomorrow for a Mother's Day lunch/early dinner.

Weigh day is coming up again on Wednesday. I only weigh every three weeks and still, it seems to come around quickly. I could very well be moving back into the 230's. I do my very best to not put too much stock in the numbers, but it wouldn't be honest to deny how thrilled I am to be where I find myself today. After the runaway train of relapse and regain and all of the negative emotions and detrimental behaviors included, to find myself in this place--mentally, emotionally and physically, is, to me, a miracle. I'm incredibly grateful. I'm truly blessed.

I'm hitting the pillow tonight with a peace and confidence I cherish, even more, since it wasn't that long ago when I was convinced it was lost forever. 

We don't ever lose it, it's in us--this ability to make a comeback, to do a 180, to reclaim our victories--it's in us, always. It can certainly feel like we've lost it, but truly--we either suppress and ignore it OR we embrace and nurture it.  

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