Friday, November 20, 2009

Day 431 Sometimes It's Best To Wait and Playing The Victim

Day 431

Sometimes It’s Best To Wait and Playing The Victim

Actually, I'm not sure if I've waited long enough.

I had originally planned to write this Thursday edition between 4:30 and 5:30am this morning (Friday morning). But that would not have been a wise move, as it would have been completely against what I said in the last blog about ending the “divorce talk” in the blog. Sometimes it’s best to wait. I was in no emotional shape to write a fair and respectable post, and I’m not sure I can do it now, but I’ll try.

I discovered this morning that someone other than me shared an extremely inaccurate version of our personal events via e-mail with a long-time reader of this blog. After letting this completely consume me all day, I’m finally ready to write Thursday’s blog posting. I must ignore the urge to just come right out and describe in detail every infraction from BOTH sides of the table, but that would just be more needless drama. I’m seriously tired of the drama within these writings. I’m tired of the drama period.

Someone suggested yesterday that I had an inflated self-confidence and basically that I must think that I’m just a real looker, full of myself really. This couldn’t be further from the truth. I’m extremely insecure still. Nobody, not even family members, can accurately assume how I feel now. But I can tell you honestly that I am anything but overloaded with confidence. Do I get many compliments these days? Yes. Do I really believe them all? NO. I am more confident, yes, that’s a given…but overly-confident? No, far from it. Full of myself? That’s laughable. When you lose this much weight, the damage left behind in the skin department and psychological department can make you feel as bad or as different as you did at your heaviest. I still feel like a freak---and it’ll be a while and a few future skin removal surgeries and even therapy before that fully changes. The deal is still a good one. I get great health, dimples, and visible cheek-bones…and I can look decent in clothes…but I’m not putting on a bathing suit or taking my shirt off any time soon. Over-confident??—Wow. And to suggest that it has something to do with our current drama---just infuriates me. I have to watch it---Oh how I want to type something else so bad, so inappropriate, so unclassy---although it would be completely accurate, 100%---but I must take the high road. Shoot, I’m slipping off that road just writing what I have so far. What part of “ignore” do I not understand?---I’m being so well mannered. Geez.

The following “victim” paragraph applies to weight loss: I am not a victim, I refuse to be one, but some people love playing the part of the victim. Whatever or however the story needs to be told to make us feel better about what we’ve done, that’s what we must believe. If we binge out of our minds, then surely there’s a good reason why. Poor us. The circumstances, either real or imagined, it doesn’t matter---gives us justification for our actions. Actions that we, if we’re honest with ourselves, know are not right and not justifiable. “Self-honesty” isn’t real good friends with “playing the victim.” However---rationalizations are full-blooded relation to the “victim” mindset. Self-honesty, it’s sibling—personal responsibility, and reality---all can work together to provide a real clear path along this road. But without a grasp or even an honest attempt to grab a hold of these things and accept what they are and what they mean---regardless of the pain caused by the realization of the truth---this road becomes impossible.

Ralph Marston from www.greatday.com got it right with an entry I’ve re-posted several times and re-read many more. His permission requirement for me to re-post “Set Yourself Free” is to share with you his website and of course to properly credit him. He’s a brilliant writer. What does this do for you?: “Set Yourself Free” by Ralph Marston---"There is no outside force holding you back. You are holding you back and you are blaming it on someone or something else. The way you are able to continue holding yourself back is by maintaining the illusion that you're a victim. Once you realize that illusion, you will naturally and easily move forward. In fact, it is easier to fulfill your best possibilities than it is to avoid them. So let go of the blame and watch the limitations drop away. Certainly there will always be challenges that hold you back. For each challenge provides you with a pathway through which you can move toward fulfillment. It is your very nature to accomplish. Lovingly accept your destiny, and allow that accomplishment to be manifest through you. Set yourself free to follow your purpose. Set yourself free to truly live."

This morning was my first morning show on KPNC. I felt like it was my first day on the radio. I was a little nervous, and I don’t get nervous on the air, that stopped years and years ago. But this was new and different. I wasn’t in my comfort zone, this wasn’t “my studio.” I did make it through with minimal damage---and I was stronger from the experience. Proof of that was Friday mornings show, one of the best I’ve had in a long time. I enjoyed lemon marinated apples and a banana during the trainwreck, I mean radio show.

I enjoyed a light lunch, just a couple of hundred calories worth of chili, because I was saving as many calories as I could for the football game. College football on a Thursday night just doesn’t seem right. The Cowboys won over Colorado, and that was good, but something just didn’t feel right. The crowd was much smaller than usual, surely because of the Thursday night television date. I really wasn’t prepared food wise for the game. I ended up having what had to have been a 400 calorie hotdog with mustard. The dog alone was 300 if it was 10, but I was starving and desperate for food! I also enjoyed a few tortilla chips with cheese sauce. Hot dogs and nachos---not the best “calorie friendly” options, but I limited my portion and enjoyed them both with confidence. I ran stairs for fifteen minutes during half-time which prompted a sheriffs deputy to ask me if I were ok. “Just trying to get a good workout,” I said and he replied “whatever it takes right?” Yeah…whatever it takes is exactly right.

I arrived home extremely late and immediately dropped in bed with a plan of blogging this day first thing Friday morning. And that takes us back to the beginning of this blog post. Thank you for reading. Goodnight and…

Good Choices,
Sean

14 comments:

  1. Some people just don't know how to keep their mouths shut when it comes to others people personal lives. I really hope that you get to tell the person who wrote about your personal situation just how you feel. NO ONE has the place to say what happened non the less make up thier own version of what happened. You did take the high road this time by not calling them out in your blog but you really need to speak with this person or it will continue to bug you.

    Way to go on the exercising at the Football game last night. You are doing a great job! Keep up the good work!

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  2. Keep standing up for yourself Sean. You mentioned in the very first post you wrote about the divorce, that there has been hurt on BOTH sides...you did not put it all off on Irene. And everyone who has EVER been in a relationship knows that it takes two, to either make it work, or not. You've got 100% more class and restraint than I've got, I'll tell you that!! People who supposedly CARE about you need to stop sticking their noses where it doesn't belong. Just remember who your TRUE friends are. You're going to get through this...obviously not without a few scrapes and bangs along the way....but you'll get through it. I'm here for you friend.

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  3. Hey, buddy. So sorry you are having to go through all this drama! Hope it fades away quickly, and you can get on with the important things in your life. And the whole "inflated self-confidence" deal is just wrong! From what I've known of you...in person, as well as in the "blog" world...well, that's just NOT you at ALL! I'd just write this off to somebody being really jealous of your success. We are on your side, buddy. And you are in my prayers!

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  4. I think it is me you are talking about Sean and I am Deeply sorry.

    I have learnt a bitter lesson tonight and will be leaving Blogland as a result.

    I do believe what I thought was a private email has been tblown out of context but I know you and your followers will never believe me.

    I wish you continued success in everything you do.

    Sheilagh

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  5. I have learned the hard way with a great deal of hurt that even people you assume are your friends out here in cyberspace can turn on you in an instant and cause you pain.

    I let it consume me for a very long time, and I pray that you are a stronger person that I was at that time, despite all of the other mess you are having to deal with right now.

    Whether or not the person or persons meant to hurt you, they also need to understand that the level of trust between themselves and someone at the other end of a computer connection is not guaranteed. I feel for you both.

    Prayers and hugs for you.

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  6. Hi Sean. I know you are an emotionally open type of person. I mean that in a good way (in case there might be any misunderstanding). I have personally benefited from your kindness and am grateful for your empathy and thoughtfulness and openness. But I'm a little worried about you letting things that happen in blogland get to you too much. Maybe you need to redraw your boundaries a little to put a bit of psychological distance between your psyche and the comments etc of people who don't even really know you. I know in a way you may feel it's sacrilege to say that because this blog is so important to you and your journey - how on earth could you separate yourself in any way from it? But I think you will understand what I am getting at here.

    Try not to allow your psyche to be rocked too much by this kind of stuff.

    Best wishes,
    Bearfriend xx

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  7. A lot more people would be more fit if they ran as much as their mouths do! I love ya, Cuz and I'm proud of you for being the man that you are...don't ever change you! YOU DA MAN!!!

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  8. Sean... I feel for you but as others have said before...don't let it get to you. Others will talk just for something to do. How you feel is completely understandable but remember, they don't know the situation and since they don't they aren't entitled to an opinion. Also things like this bring people down. You have had such success don't let people's ramblings get to you. You are so much smarter and stronger than that.
    Also your thoughts and feelings you carry with you, everyone who has esteem issues carry them around too. :)
    Praying for your happiness so matter what people say...
    XO

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  9. The thing about divorce is that people rarely get out of any of it unscathed. It's a painful process, and many times we have to convince ourselves that the person we once loved has morphed so completely and irrevocably for the worse that there is no way to salvage the relationship. This warping is supposed to make it easier, but from what I've seen...only makes it worse. I hope you both can come out of this experience short of a scorched earth free for all. I have no idea what happened. I don't wanna either lol. You seem like a great guy sean, and there was a reason you fell in love with Irene, I hope you guys can keep that in mind even through the pain.
    God bless,
    Chris

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  10. I'd say you've learned a lot already - you waited to write your post didn't you? Good job on that.

    When I started reading the quote by Ralph Marston, I thought of another saying I've heard (not sure where it's from) that sums that up and is perfect for weight loss:

    "Free your mind and your a$$ will follow."

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  11. @Helen: That quote is from a Prince song....

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  12. Sean,
    I used to weigh 500 lbs and now weigh far less then half of that. I know so much what you mean. I will always be the "fat girl"....it doesn't matter how much compliments I get or how much BETTER I feel about myself. Deep down I am still that person....

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  13. Sean, I was wondering if something like this would happen.

    Bluntly: People get jealous. You are someone they are jealous of because of your tremendous success, body, mind and spirit. The second something unpleasant comes out, such as your divorce, it will make people feel better to gossip, change stories, tell lies, etc. Why? The bottom line is they are jealous and want to bring you down.

    Anyone with any bit of intelligence who reads your blog knows you are a sincere, compassionate and very gracious human being. I still say your ability to forgive, by example, is one of the best most inspiring stories I have ever read.

    Don't let them get to you. And besides that, people are smart and don't fall for bullshit stores. We can see right through that stuff, and the laugh is on the person spreading it.

    There, I'm being brutally honest and telling it like I see it.

    I would never, ever describe you as someone with inflated self-confidence. Your confidence you have has been earned, but it is not inflated. Jealousy is ugly.

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  14. It is difficult to ignore things when people are saying things incorrectly! I hope you took it up 1:1 with the one who told your story incorrectly adn without your permission.

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