Each Choice Affects The Next or The Pizza Rules
I've shared about my struggles with sleep apnea and most recently with what seems to be central apnea. I'm learning through trial and error, ways that I can improve my quality of sleep despite the condition. Cutting out caffeine several hours before bed and simple breathing exercises before closing my eyes have helped considerably. Still, occasionally I have a night where I feel little rest. Thursday night was one of those nights. It made for a very challenging Friday. Feeling rested is a critical element to being my best. When I'm exhausted, all I can think about is wanting and needing sleep. In order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget, I have to give extra special effort on a day like this.
I was a big mess after my radio show Friday morning. I sat in the production studio and stared blankly at my list of things I needed to accomplish, then I laid my head down and drifted off for a quick 10 minute nap. If I was to be productive in the least, the nap was necessary. I entertained the idea of going home and sleeping longer; better, then coming back to finish my workday. It was about this time I discovered I had a remote broadcast appearance scheduled from noon to two pm. I needed to make it several more hours before sleep was possible. I hurried home and somehow made myself presentable.
This broadcast came complete with free pizza to anyone and everyone. It was TOUGH. Had I felt better rested I would have had a much easier time resisting the free pizza. Had I planned better by bringing my own lunch, I would have had an easier time. The choices I made in my personal care were now affecting the food choices directly in front of me. I have certain rules about pizza: I don't eat it alone. I only eat thin crust veggie pizza. I don't seek out pizza. I only occasionally eat it as part of a social gathering of some kind. In other words: Devouring a pan pizza while alone in my apartment is NEVER acceptable. However, a piece or two of thin crust veggie among family, friends and/or colleagues, for me, is usually safe. Although I must admit, it's not very satisfying in the "calorie value" department. My best pizza experience is when I make my own low calorie pita pizzas at home. You probably know where I'm going with this...
I grabbed a piece of thin crust pepperoni and picked off the pepperonis. There was nothing even remotely satisfying about this choice. It didn't taste good because instead of fresh veggies it was topped with grease. But the worst part about this choice didn't have anything to do with the taste or calories spent. It was the psychological element of feeling defeated by the attraction, even when it honestly wasn't good.
I walked away from the broadcast analyzing my state of mind and the elements contributing to the choice. I wasn't being hard on myself at all. (I counted the small slice as 250 calories) I was simply acknowledging the influence of my choices going into the broadcast and how it affected my choice during. A few minor changes in preparation and I would have made the kind of choices empowering and propelling me toward success. Had I took the time to at least prepare a baggie of apple slices and baby carrots, enough to hold me over until later, I would have been better equipped to handle the temptation. Had I completely resisted the pizza table, the triumphant feeling of victory would have felt better than any pizza has ever tasted in my life.
It's okay. I'm okay.
I slept beautifully later in the afternoon before jumping up and joining Amber for her 23rd birthday party at her mom's house. I can't believe she's 23. Time passes so quickly.
The party presented more challenges as I relied more on portion control than careful selection. I'm still very much learning how to handle myself at gatherings where I'm not the one preparing the food.
By the time I made it back home I was once again exhausted. It was a very tough day. And the joy I wrote about in the January 3rd post was sacrificed a little bit tonight, as I opted for bed instead of writing and getting a workout complete.
I'm happy with myself though. I'm feeling a peace I haven't felt for some time. I'm confident in my abilities and the road ahead.
I'm okay. And I'm starting to better understand exactly what it means to be "okay."
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...