May 24th, 2014 Taking Extraordinary Care
This has been a very long day. I'm so relieved it's over! I knew in order for me to accomplish everything I needed to accomplish today, it would take sticking to a plan. This is the kind of day I could have easily said, oh well, it's one day...but I didn't and I'm reaping the positive feelings that come with a plan well executed. And I did it all without getting electrocuted. I'll explain in a few.
The positive momentum has been building and now it's important for me to not get too excited. I must relax into the groove of this momentum and remember to take it one day at a time. I still make a point to visualize my success each day. Sometimes it's very tempting to get ahead of myself, I certainly know I did during my initial transformation. But this is what happens when you're feeling great. Suddenly, you're thinking about all of your future possibilities. And it's about so much more than weight loss. This excitement within me is about everything under the sun. Never before has an epiphany effected me in such a profound way, as the ones discussed in the May 15th and May 17th posts. I've been blessed with several since starting this journey in 2008 and some of them have made a huge impact...but this one, wow...all of the others are awesome, but they pale in comparison.
In the last week I've given much thought to my next book. I'm not quite ready to write it, I still have more to experience-more to learn, but I certainly have been considering the message. Again, getting ahead of myself. I think, "The Other Side of The Scale--Now What?" is a good working title...Okay--see? Ahead of myself, right. The most important things for me right now are to take the best care of me I can and continue to develop organically, in positive ways.
I hit the elliptical at the YMCA this afternoon ahead of my big wedding night dj experience. I'm having fun at the Y and it shows in my attitude and intensity of the workout. Walking in there with this new perspective has been an amazing blessing. Walking at the trail would have worked wonderfully and I could have continued to avoid the Y because of all of the irrational fears I was carrying. I'm so glad I let it go. Just let it go. Dropped them and made my way in. It was a great move.
The 60% chance of rain tonight quickly turned into a 100% chance of heavy thundershowers. And it did at the same time I was set to load in and set up my equipment for a wedding. I was using an open pickup truck to transport and when it started to come down in sheets with big cloud to ground lightening strikes, I had to move quickly to get the equipment someplace dry. As I started unloading as quickly as possible, the rain and lightening started coming heavier and heavier. It was a complete washout. Every part of me was soaked, down to my unmentionables. I looked and felt like I had jumped in a pool fully clothed. Most of the tents for this outdoor event were blown down (including the tent assigned to my setup), some looked destroyed. The photographer's portable photo booth was a complete loss. Good thing it was a big home with an extra large covered patio. That's where we eventually set up most everything. The first song I played was Luke Bryan's "Rain Is A Good Thing," they didn't fire me for the obvious joke and we were off and running to what turned out to be a fantastic event despite the rough start. I mean really, we do need the rain.
I packed a dinner that resembled a lunch, with a sandwich and three kinds of fruit. After discovering what elaborate catering means for 250 people, I could have easily navigated the selections and stayed on plan. But I didn't know that going into this night. Taking the time to plan my food for this event is about more than the food. It's about making me and my needs important. Taking the best care of me, in this case meant packing dinner. The caterer approached me at one point to ask "what's that on your plate?" It was my smoked ham and swiss on a 100 calorie multi-grain sandwich thin. She seemed a little taken aback. Probably not too many people bring their own food to a wedding reception. The wedding planner set up the cake table right next to me. I haven't laid eyes on so many beautiful cakes in all my life. But that was the only attention I gave the cake table. Enough to acknowledge the obvious quality and quantity, but not even the first thought of consuming the sugar.
I can't deny the obvious benefits from cutting out 99% of sugar from my daily intake. It's meant no binges or urges to binge, at all. And that's nothing short of miraculous for me. Sugar is listed as an ingredient in the non-dairy powdered coffee creamer I use every morning--but other than that, and the recent "sugar in my marinara" discovery, I've been nearly sugar free for well over a month now. The amount of sugar in the creamer must be minuscule because it hasn't bothered me at all.
In last night's post I mentioned being insecure in my abilities as a mobile dj. It's completely different than what I do as a radio personality. The thing is, the title of "dj" is often applied to both--so the line gets blurred. I'm happy to report it went very well, nothing like I feared. It was fun!
It's another late night for me. My #lastfoodofday was a simple egg white omelet with a few mushrooms and a slice of mozzarella for 109 calories. The #lastfoodofday hashtag on my Twitter page has acted as a book-end for me. When I use it, that's it, I'm done for the day. Feel free to use it too!
I'm sleeping in tomorrow morning. Or, I guess I should say, this morning.
Thank you for reading!
Strength,
Sean
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Showing posts with label goals. Show all posts
Saturday, May 24, 2014
Saturday, May 17, 2014
May 17th, 2014 I Haven't Been The Same
May 17th, 2014 I Haven't Been The Same
It's been over 48 hours since the epiphany on the way to the YMCA that I wrote about in the May 15th post. And I still can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I was given a secret to a great mystery. This concept I discussed as it applies to me is universal too. This will be my TED Talk someday. Oh yeah, I don't think I've ever expressed my dream of speaking at a TED Conference. It will happen sometime within the next five years. I've envisioned it in detail, watching my imagination's best version. I'm 100% serious.
Once understood, finding the core of who I am and have always been required a simple question: What are the qualities in me that do not change? If I'm 500 pounds or 230 pounds, what positive attributes do I possess at both of those weights? The same question can be applied to other things, example: If I won the lottery tomorrow, what positive qualities about me would remain from my previous financial existence? These core qualities are the ones with us through it all. Stability and certainty, instability and uncertainty. The list includes not only the way our brain works through compassion, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. It also includes our likes and dislikes, our roles as parents and grandparents--the things that bring us joy and peace, love and laughter. These things are often overlooked because identity and self-worth has been attached to something that fluctuates.
My identity and self-worth was always hooked onto my weight. Someone else's identity and self-worth might be tied to their bank account. And another's might be tied to whether or not they perceive their current station in life as stable or unstable. Still another's might rely on the progression of their career. All of these things fluctuate. And through it all, we're still who we are within our core qualities.
In order for these core qualities to flourish and enrich our lives to the fullest, they must be loved and nurtured like watering a plant. If they're neglected, they wilt and wither. I believe this is from where the expression "I feel dead inside" comes. And when identity and self worth is attached to anything else, these positive attributes get neglected on both sides of whatever is fluctuating. When the changing source of identity and self-worth is moving in a positive direction, we feel great about ourselves. And when the source is moving in a negative direction we feel worse about ourselves. Then we get into a tug of war, constantly battling to feel good.
We've all heard, "Happiness must come from within." Now I understand how that can happen and I understand how it doesn't happen when we rely on external things that change. Money doesn't buy happiness. Losing weight doesn't magically fix us. Getting the big promotion or settling down into a relationship doesn't do it either. We're truly free when our identity and self-worth is authentically attached to the core qualities of who we are. And the best thing?? It can NEVER be taken away from us, no matter what.
About today...
I've never felt more determined to take the best care of me than I do right now. And taking the best care will ultimately result in a healthy body weight once again.
I didn't plan my food very well today, that's for sure. I ate well, don't get me wrong--but I ending up skipping lunch, had an early dinner and found I had 524 calories remaining afterward. Then I was asked by a friend to be the designated driver for their wedding party, and I accepted the responsibility--not eating another thing until I returned home after midnight. My #lastfoodofday was a turkey burger with onion, swiss and a Laughing Cow French Onion wedge and I still ended the day with 151 calories unclaimed in the Calorie Bank and Trust account. I'll plan better tomorrow!
It was a great day for many reasons. I got up and caught up on a few emails, read some other blogs, took care of some business at the bank and post office, then went into work to catch up on a few things before heading to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the trusty elliptical.
I'm telling you--since this whole identity-self worth thing hit on Thursday night, I haven't been the same person. My friend whom I was driving tonight asked me, "Have you been drinking?" No!! Is the change in me that noticeable?? Perhaps I'm a little giddy. And you know why?
It's because I've spent my entire life not understanding how to genuinely love myself and just be okay. And please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I've figured it all out, but I'm exploring areas and things long forgotten, things sacrificed by the pursuit of fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Now I'm contemplating a very exciting question: What can I accomplish now that my strongest embrace is around the things that matter most? Redefining the list of things that make me worthy of all things good is like giving myself permission to soar, no matter the direction of the wind.
As I continue my journey back to a healthier body weight and beyond, I've put into place some high accountability tools. I've committed to tweeting a picture, description and calorie count of anything and everything I eat. And I'm keeping the Calorie Bank up to date with a MyFitnessPal food and exercise log.
Join me on Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson And SeanAAnderson on MyFitnessPal.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
It's been over 48 hours since the epiphany on the way to the YMCA that I wrote about in the May 15th post. And I still can't stop thinking about it. I feel like I was given a secret to a great mystery. This concept I discussed as it applies to me is universal too. This will be my TED Talk someday. Oh yeah, I don't think I've ever expressed my dream of speaking at a TED Conference. It will happen sometime within the next five years. I've envisioned it in detail, watching my imagination's best version. I'm 100% serious.
Once understood, finding the core of who I am and have always been required a simple question: What are the qualities in me that do not change? If I'm 500 pounds or 230 pounds, what positive attributes do I possess at both of those weights? The same question can be applied to other things, example: If I won the lottery tomorrow, what positive qualities about me would remain from my previous financial existence? These core qualities are the ones with us through it all. Stability and certainty, instability and uncertainty. The list includes not only the way our brain works through compassion, empathy, sense of humor, intelligence, etc. It also includes our likes and dislikes, our roles as parents and grandparents--the things that bring us joy and peace, love and laughter. These things are often overlooked because identity and self-worth has been attached to something that fluctuates.
My identity and self-worth was always hooked onto my weight. Someone else's identity and self-worth might be tied to their bank account. And another's might be tied to whether or not they perceive their current station in life as stable or unstable. Still another's might rely on the progression of their career. All of these things fluctuate. And through it all, we're still who we are within our core qualities.
In order for these core qualities to flourish and enrich our lives to the fullest, they must be loved and nurtured like watering a plant. If they're neglected, they wilt and wither. I believe this is from where the expression "I feel dead inside" comes. And when identity and self worth is attached to anything else, these positive attributes get neglected on both sides of whatever is fluctuating. When the changing source of identity and self-worth is moving in a positive direction, we feel great about ourselves. And when the source is moving in a negative direction we feel worse about ourselves. Then we get into a tug of war, constantly battling to feel good.
We've all heard, "Happiness must come from within." Now I understand how that can happen and I understand how it doesn't happen when we rely on external things that change. Money doesn't buy happiness. Losing weight doesn't magically fix us. Getting the big promotion or settling down into a relationship doesn't do it either. We're truly free when our identity and self-worth is authentically attached to the core qualities of who we are. And the best thing?? It can NEVER be taken away from us, no matter what.
About today...
I've never felt more determined to take the best care of me than I do right now. And taking the best care will ultimately result in a healthy body weight once again.
I didn't plan my food very well today, that's for sure. I ate well, don't get me wrong--but I ending up skipping lunch, had an early dinner and found I had 524 calories remaining afterward. Then I was asked by a friend to be the designated driver for their wedding party, and I accepted the responsibility--not eating another thing until I returned home after midnight. My #lastfoodofday was a turkey burger with onion, swiss and a Laughing Cow French Onion wedge and I still ended the day with 151 calories unclaimed in the Calorie Bank and Trust account. I'll plan better tomorrow!
It was a great day for many reasons. I got up and caught up on a few emails, read some other blogs, took care of some business at the bank and post office, then went into work to catch up on a few things before heading to the YMCA for an amazing workout on the trusty elliptical.
I'm telling you--since this whole identity-self worth thing hit on Thursday night, I haven't been the same person. My friend whom I was driving tonight asked me, "Have you been drinking?" No!! Is the change in me that noticeable?? Perhaps I'm a little giddy. And you know why?
It's because I've spent my entire life not understanding how to genuinely love myself and just be okay. And please don't misunderstand, I'm not saying I've figured it all out, but I'm exploring areas and things long forgotten, things sacrificed by the pursuit of fulfillment in all the wrong places.
Now I'm contemplating a very exciting question: What can I accomplish now that my strongest embrace is around the things that matter most? Redefining the list of things that make me worthy of all things good is like giving myself permission to soar, no matter the direction of the wind.
As I continue my journey back to a healthier body weight and beyond, I've put into place some high accountability tools. I've committed to tweeting a picture, description and calorie count of anything and everything I eat. And I'm keeping the Calorie Bank up to date with a MyFitnessPal food and exercise log.
Join me on Twitter, I'm @SeanAAnderson And SeanAAnderson on MyFitnessPal.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Thursday, May 8, 2014
May 8th, 2014 Panic!
May 8th, 2014 Panic!
Today was a good day, although a little more challenging. It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.
I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.
This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd. I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all. I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give. I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be. So I said yes.
I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion. And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage. Then I started having a panic attack. I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days. I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...
After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight. I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...
As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan. They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music. Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"
Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.
Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there. I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script. I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra.
I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.
I finished and immediately left the venue. I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting. Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night. My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.
The road back seems much harder than the initial trip. But I'm loving it and learning through it. And I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was a good day, although a little more challenging. It's insanely late as I write this, so I'll be brief.
I returned to the YMCA today for another good workout. It was a little easier today and I was free of the mental/emotional stuff I carried there yesterday.
I ate well today--posting pictures of all food to twitter and I enjoyed a couple of nice twitter conversations.
This evening came and I was met with a challenge. I was asked to introduce a band from the stage of the Poncan Theatre in front of a pretty good sized crowd. I hadn't stood on that stage in a while and I wasn't comfortable with this at all. I wanted to say no but I didn't know what excuse to give. I was scheduled to be there anyway--so it's not like I could conveniently have somewhere else to be. So I said yes.
I got a haircut today and picked up a nice jacket for the occasion. And I was okay until ten minutes before walking out on stage. Then I started having a panic attack. I went through a phase of panic attacks back in my stand-up comedy days. I had been fine the first few years of my stand-up career and then suddenly, for whatever reason, I started having panic attacks prior to being announced...every show, every time---the racing heartbeat, face turning hot, breathing difficult--- and after six months or so the panic attacks stopped. Tonight was the same thing-- rapid heartbeat, sudden hot-red face, breathing difficulties...
After being on that stage so many times while at goal--it was just too much for me to process standing up there again--not right now. I was a self-talk champion tonight. I just kept telling myself, over and over, you're good, you're good, these people love you, breathe, breathe, breathe...
As I was entranced with this self-talk panic attack management strategy, the orchestra leader approached me to go over the plan. They would go out first, start playing a vamp, then I could come out speaking over the music. Okay, got it. Wade Tower, the star of the show, came over and suggested I do some stand-up, whatever I wanted to do, "hey, sing a song!"
Before I could process everything, the band started playing and it was my cue.
Heart racing, feeling like I was about to have a heart attack--I made it out there. I didn't do any stand-up bits and I didn't sing (thank goodness)! I stuck to a pretty tight script. I didn't relax and loosen up or do anything extra. I did exactly what I was there to do: Make some announcements and introduce Wade and the orchestra.
I had a minute or two of material ready and I wish I would have been able to loosen up enough to try it, but this wasn't the night.
I finished and immediately left the venue. I had work to do--and less than an hour later my work was interrupted with weather reporting. Eventually I ordered dinner from a local Mexican restaurant because I knew it was going to be a really late night. My strategy was simple: No beans, no rice, 10-12 chips counted out--the rest of the bag crushed and thrown in the trash, corn instead of flour taco shells and chicken for a filling. I ordered two crispy chicken tacos and a small guacamole and chips.
The road back seems much harder than the initial trip. But I'm loving it and learning through it. And I'm going to make it just fine.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, May 7, 2014
May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day
May 7th, 2014 Today Was The Day
Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional. I woke up feeling rested. I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.
I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...
"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"
I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show. I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff. I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long. Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good. So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.
I must stop right here.
You see...
I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year. I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay. But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain. And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma. It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building. I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.
I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see. If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too. Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe. In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves. And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?
Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"
Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."
Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"
Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."
Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"
Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."
Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."
That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.
Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.
I checked in and went straight for the locker room. I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me. I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.
I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How?? My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.
The songs were speaking to me...
OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."
DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."
Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."
"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me. It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."
I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride. It's beyond description.
What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice. And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five. As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!
I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world. Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom. It was good.
Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully. You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505 The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson
I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Today was the day I wanted to experience. Honestly, recounting it makes me a little emotional. I woke up feeling rested. I didn't have any cramping--no air swallowing evidence, not a twinge. I felt good for a change. I think I might have forgotten what it feels like to wake fully rested, but it was like riding a bike and I was off to the races.
I was up enjoying coffee, writing a micro-blog on facebook...
"The greatest gift you can give yourself is an unbreakable commitment. This passionate pursuit of yours will attract plenty of support. You know what's right and good, stay the course. Never give up, ever. You're setting your importance level to its highest setting. Isn't it refreshing to discover the power you hold, the power to choose change before change chooses you?"
I cooked breakfast, packed my snacks and lunch, made it to the studio on time and had a great show. I put in a full day, normal schedule--none of this split shift so I can nap stuff. I accomplished a bunch of stuff and a couple of things I've put off too long. Two O'Clock hit and I was still feeling good. So instead of going home for a mid-afternoon nap, I drove straight to the YMCA.
I must stop right here.
You see...
I've straight up avoided the YMCA for over a year. I had a recent location broadcast from the Y, and really--I did it because it was my job and it turned out okay. But as far as showing up to exercise? No. I haven't been able to get past my own complicated brain. And it's nothing against the YMCA, after all our local YMCA is one of the best in the entire state of Oklahoma. It was me, blanketing myself with paralyzing shame and guilt over weight gain. I lost so much weight and felt so great for so long in that building. I even had a couple of speaking engagements in there...I just couldn't stand to show my face, not until I returned to a healthier weight.
I now truly understand exactly what I was doing in this avoidance: I was projecting my own feelings and emotions into imagined scenarios with whomever I might see. If I'm disappointed in myself, they would be disappointed. If I was disgusted with myself, they would be disgusted with me too. Of course--here's the deal: All of that is baloney. Why? Because we're only the center of our own universe. In other words--people are not paying as much attention to us as our tricky brains would have us believe. They're too busy worrying about themselves. And so what if someone did come up and talk with me? Do I really believe the conversation would go like this?
Sean: "Hey, wow, been a long time, you're doing well. look at you go!"
Imaginary person: "Holy crap, what happened to you?? You've gained a bunch of weight."
Sean: "Yeah, I did, certainly did, but I'm..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting) "So disappointed in you, man. Wow--how could you let me down? You
were such an inspiration, what happened?"
Sean: "I'm so sorry, I uh..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting with a reminiscent smile ) "Remember when you wheeled in 275 pounds worth of Velveeta in that very gym over there as a visual aid in one of your speaking engagements? I'll never forget it--you pushed it in a shopping cart while trying to wear your biggest clothes like a costume of sorts, remember? You had to have two people walk beside you to hold up your clothes, then you reached the front of the room and shed them in front of everyone in that packed gym, revealing the thinner you. You gave people hope that they could do it too, just like you."
Sean: "They can...many of them did do it too, I was just..."
Imaginary person: (interrupting again) "Fraudulent, that's what you were, I mean, look at you!"
Sean: "I'm human. I just, you know, I lost my way. Look, I'm sorry I let you down."
Imaginary person: (walking off in disgust--talking over shoulder) "Whatever..."
That scene isn't happening, ever. And it didn't happen today.
Fear does strange things to our thinking. But fear is rarely what it seems because it's affected by the powerful mixture of emotions and imagination. Letting go of the irrational fears and walking back into that building to exercise was a very big breakthrough.
I checked in and went straight for the locker room. I had to go. I washed my hands and looked in the mirror. I told myself it was going to be alright, then proudly proceeded upstairs to the elliptical machines.
Not one person approached me. I recognized a few, even exchanged smiles with a couple before slipping in my ear buds, turning on my music and climbing aboard the workout machine.
I wanted to stop in the first five minutes. The burning in my legs was intense! I thought, I once did this for 45 minutes to an hour...How?? My legs might have been burning, but the overwhelming emotion of overcoming my initial fear of simply walking through the door was very powerful, overriding my quit mechanism.
The songs were speaking to me...
OK Go's "This Too Shall Pass" blasted through... "Let it go, this too shall pass...Oh you can't keep lettin' it get you down and you can't keep draggin' that dead weight around..."
DEVO chimed in with "Now whip it, into shape, shape it up, get straight, go forward, move ahead, try to detect it, it's not too late, to whip it, whip it good."
Queen's "Another One Bites The Dust," Men At Work's "Down Under," Nirvana's "Smells Like Teen Spirit," Dexy's Midnight Runners "Come On Eileen," Madness with "Our House," and then it all slows down and I get really introspective with Christopher Cross's "Sailing."
"Well it's not far down to paradise, at least it's not for me. And if the wind is right you can sail away and find tranquility. Oh, the canvas can do miracles, just you wait and see, believe me. It's not far too never never land, no reason to pretend. And if the wind is right you can find the joy of innocence again."
I'm not too much of a macho man to admit, that song sometimes makes me cry because it's so damn beautiful. Just listening and allowing the music to take your emotions on a ride. It's beyond description.
What's even more amazing is my legs were probably burning like fire the whole time, but I didn't notice. And I didn't notice how I was already twenty minutes in, shooting for thirty. The last ten minutes was much easier than the first five. As soon as the clock showed 30, I stopped, wiped the sweat from my forehead and thought, that was awesome and I must do this more often!!
I left the YMCA with a blast of endorphins running through me in the most wonderful way. I felt better than I have after any recent walk in the park. I was on top of the world. Everything else--the stress, anxiety, uncertainty, irrational fears---all of it melted away. I felt a familiar freedom. It was good.
Before heading home I grabbed some groceries for an experimental dinner creation I wanted to try. My steak fajita tostadas worked out beautifully. You can see the picture and calorie count on my Twitter feed: @SeanAAnderson And the same picture with recipe is posted to my Facebook account: Facebook.com/seananderson505 The individual ingredient calorie counts can be found on MyFitnessPal, username: SeanAAnderson
I enjoyed dinner, did some cleaning and sat down to write this blog. This was the kind of day I've wanted.
After a breakthrough day, I imagine I'll sleep even better tonight.
Thank you for reading,
Strength,
Sean
Monday, April 28, 2014
April 28th, 2014 Turning Off The Self-Judgment
April 28th, 2014 Turning Off
The Self-Judgment
I'm a creature of habit. My breakfast
menu usually has two options: Eggs and sometimes cheese, wrapped in a
Joseph's 60 calorie pita, or placed on a 100 calorie sandwich thin if
the pitas aren't available. Or steel cut oats and perhaps a few
scrambled egg whites. Rarely, in a tight pinch—if I wake up too
late to prepare, I've allowed a fruit and maple oatmeal and scrambled
eggs or a fruit and yogurt parfait from McDonald's. I've pretty much
concluded the McDonald's Oatmeal and the parfait options need to go
simply because each contain a significant amount of sugar. And for
me, sugar is like a drug.
Is it possible for me to start my day
with a double dose of sugar and still maintain my calorie budget
throughout the day? Yes, I've done it. But, in making those choices
I'm choosing to make things much harder. And just to be fair—I've
started the day like that many times before and spiraled out of control in a feeding
frenzy before sundown, check that—before noon. This cause
and effect self-analysis isn't something I've always considered or
realized about myself, it's a fairly new epiphany, as in the last
couple of years.
When someone is just getting started
and they ask me for advice, I stand behind exactly what I did from
the beginning. I tell them to maintain a calorie budget and
exercise, period. I tell them, “eat what you like and nothing
you don't. Don't complicate this process. Get accustomed to eating
less, naturally. Focus on maintaining the integrity of your calorie
budget and you'll naturally evolve into making better choices along
the way.” And I go on: “You can get fancy later. If
you're like I was, simply cutting down to an intake best suited for
weight loss is a big enough victory in the beginning. Start with
this and allow your natural evolution of good choices to unfold.”
Of course the conversation also turns to the emotional and
psychological side of this very big battle most of us have in common. We all know this is about much more than food and exercise.
I find myself in an awkward position
lately. I have traveled over five years along this road and I've
learned a great deal about myself and now I tend to be more critical
of my own food choices. And some of those, like the sugar, for good
reason. But what happens is, if I choose something that I've
mentally noted isn't good for me, I immediately bring about negative
feelings about what I'm doing. Does this make sense? I can
make myself feel like a failure even when the choice fit nicely
within my Calorie Bank and Trust. Even if it's something I enjoyed
and even celebrated along the way of my initial success.
I didn't eat fruit and maple oatmeal
from McDonald's this morning or a parfait. I did prepare my usual
eggs and cheese wrapped in a Joseph's pita—and it was delicious. I
had some fresh fruit for snacks and I enjoyed a fabulous lunch and
dinner too. So where does this line of thought come from? I stopped
at the grocery store on the way home. It takes me so much longer to
shop now because I'm judging everything I put into my basket. Why
am I doing this to myself? I believe it's because I've raised
the bar of expectation very high. And while it's good to raise the
bar as you go and ascend to new confident levels—I must recognize
when retreating to the basics is imperative for my stability. If I
continue to struggle living up to the highest expectations I've set
for myself, then I'll continue to be disappointed in myself when I
fall a little short. And the negative consequences of those emotions
are not acceptable any longer.
I am retreating to the basics with a
few exceptions. Anything high sugar or high fat is a minefield for
me, so I'll tread lightly or not at all with those. I'm more
specifically proclaiming: I will be less self-critical and
self-judgmental. Because here's the bare truth: The barriers I've
created within myself via shame and guilt—the avoiding pictures,
the dreading public appearances and doing my best to avoid seeing
people I haven't in a long while for fear they'll judge me or be
disappointed in me---these barriers have been built with my own
self-judgment and disappointment in me...and I've been amplifying and
projecting it upon others. No more of that insanity. My fear of receiving this from others is actually a reflection of my own judgment!
In order to return to my healthiest
weight and be more fit than ever, I have to embrace where I am, who I
am and what I'm doing. And feel good about it 100%. And be kind to
myself. Is it hard sometimes? Yes it is, very. And I don't
necessarily understand all of the psychological dynamics of why I
treat myself the way I do sometimes. But I know for certain that
breaking this habit of self-sabotage is key to the healthiest visions
of my future.
I'm headed to the trail for a good
walk. It'll compliment all the stair climbing I did today. I don't
even count the stair climbing normally—but today I noticed because
it was unusually high between work and home, maybe 20 flights of
stairs? That's fairly accurate.
I can't even begin to express how much
consistently writing is helping me. It makes all the difference in
the world. I look forward to so many incredible things ahead.
I'd love you to join me on twitter: @SeanAAnderson and on MyFitnessPal: SeanAAnderson
Thank you for reading and for your
incredible support,
Strength,
Sean
Thursday, April 24, 2014
April 24th, 2014 The Puzzle
April 24th, 2014 The Puzzle
The visit with the sleep specialist was powerful to me, like a wake up call of sorts. "How fit were you at 230?" Wow, great question Doc! Not too much, really. Sure, it was all cardio that got me there, never really kick starting the weight training I often fantasized about accomplishing. I was satisfied with being much smaller and discovering the body underneath the thickness that was me for so long. It wasn't the fittest body for sure, but miles from the five hundred pound body I maintained for so long. The fact that body composition plays a role in getting good sleep makes perfect sense. Time for a new goal? Time to strive for not just weight loss, but overall fitness? Time to hit the weights? Sure! But I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
First thing is getting regulated on a consistent schedule of maintaining the calorie budget, exercising and writing in this blog. Those are the elements that worked before. Now here's the deal: For various reasons, namely the automatic compulsion to compare my performance today to what I did back then, I've found it isn't as simple as doing what I did from the beginning. There's a whole new awakening, volumes of study about myself that I was blissfully unaware of in the Fall of 2008. I may have referred to myself as a food addict back then, but I wasn't educated to know what all that meant and how it played a significant role in my life. So now, maintaining a calorie budget, exercising and writing consistently, requires an additional commitment to fundamentals all recovering addicts must embrace. Getting to a healthy weight and being more physically fit and living a life of good practice conducive to proper maintenance, is the goal. It's about so much more than simply losing the weight.
A big part of this journey is being okay with me. Before I go into a thousand word explanation, I'll just leave it at that. You know what I mean--self compassion, turning off (or at the least-turning down) the critical voice inside that keeps insisting I'm not good enough or not deserving enough or whatever. I'm not a therapist, but I talk with one regularly. What I've learned has been invaluable to my understanding of the human science, the petri dish of experience that has grown into me today. The common misconception is that knowing and possessing a better understanding of these connections automatically makes breaking away from their hold easier. It does not. I've gained significant weight throughout my therapy process but I've also gained an invaluable education about me. So what good is it? The important thing, in my opinion, is to realize it's only a piece of our puzzle. And putting our puzzle together requires more than just having the knowledge of what we do and why we do it, it requires deliberate actions. Simply having a good idea of where the pieces fit doesn't solve the puzzle, you gotta get hands on those pieces--you gotta be willing to physically work the puzzle. Is it always easy? NO. Will we get stuck occasionally? YES. Do we give up and wipe the puzzle into the floor? NEVER.
And from this day forward, this blog will be about deliberate actions. If you've read from the beginning of this blog or at least part of the first couple of years, you'll recognize exactly what it is. A daily diary. Now...I can't guarantee I won't go off on a philosophical tangent every now and again, because it comes very easy for me to do---and I'll occasionally get creative--but for the most part, it could get a little boring along the way...at least until you see what's happening and how it's unfolding.
--------------------
I hit the snooze bar twice this morning for an additional 18 minutes of sleep. By the time I hit the floor there wasn't much time for anything but the routine of getting out the door on time. Abbreviating my time for prayer and meditation isn't the best thing to do, but it's often what happens after a night of restlessness.
I make coffee and start breakfast (three whole eggs wrapped in a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita) cooking on low while I get showered and dressed. Multitasking all the way to the door with exactly enough time to drive to the studio, sit down, key the mic and sound as if I'm the most refreshed person in the world. "Good morning, it's 68 degrees--warm start for us as we go to New York for the latest from ABC..." I made it. And I'll be okay until the 10am split.
My employer has allowed me to adopt a split shift schedule throughout this sleep crisis and it's worked relatively well. I'm toast without the midday nap, so for the most productive version of me in the afternoon, it's become fairly important. This split schedule isn't ideal really and I look forward to getting my sleep puzzle sorted out and put together so I can function in a more normal way.
I cooked a large and lean sirloin steak during my midday split and it served me for lunch and dinner. I prepared steak and cheese crunchy tacos for lunch with mozzarella and salsa and for dinner I made a big steak and cheese omelet. I also snacked on apple slices today. I brought a bag of apples to work this afternoon to keep in the studio kitchen.
I arrived home shortly after 5pm and although I didn't plan on taking another nap, I quickly realized my body was insisting, so I complied to a regulated hour (alarm set) nap. Prepared dinner, listened to a small portion of one of my favorite podcasts (Marc Maron's WTF), made a trip to the store and then to the trail for some exercise. I had a good walk.
My right leg seems to be improving and that's good. Because when it's swollen, it's very hard to justify any kind of exercise that might stress the leg and cause painful sores. It's a catch 22--because the exercise helps me lose weight and the weight loss dramatically improves the leg swelling. In order to continue exercising consistently, I'll likely need to start wrapping with compression bandages designed specifically for lymphatic issues. And that's okay. Whatever it takes.
As I write this, I'm under my calorie budget for the day, I've exercised and I've written a blog post. I'll be hitting the pillow shortly with the confidence in knowing that I did well today. And this feeling, when duplicated consistently, has the power to create some seriously positive momentum!
Goodnight, thank you for reading,
Good choices,
Strength,
Sean
The visit with the sleep specialist was powerful to me, like a wake up call of sorts. "How fit were you at 230?" Wow, great question Doc! Not too much, really. Sure, it was all cardio that got me there, never really kick starting the weight training I often fantasized about accomplishing. I was satisfied with being much smaller and discovering the body underneath the thickness that was me for so long. It wasn't the fittest body for sure, but miles from the five hundred pound body I maintained for so long. The fact that body composition plays a role in getting good sleep makes perfect sense. Time for a new goal? Time to strive for not just weight loss, but overall fitness? Time to hit the weights? Sure! But I shouldn't get ahead of myself.
First thing is getting regulated on a consistent schedule of maintaining the calorie budget, exercising and writing in this blog. Those are the elements that worked before. Now here's the deal: For various reasons, namely the automatic compulsion to compare my performance today to what I did back then, I've found it isn't as simple as doing what I did from the beginning. There's a whole new awakening, volumes of study about myself that I was blissfully unaware of in the Fall of 2008. I may have referred to myself as a food addict back then, but I wasn't educated to know what all that meant and how it played a significant role in my life. So now, maintaining a calorie budget, exercising and writing consistently, requires an additional commitment to fundamentals all recovering addicts must embrace. Getting to a healthy weight and being more physically fit and living a life of good practice conducive to proper maintenance, is the goal. It's about so much more than simply losing the weight.
A big part of this journey is being okay with me. Before I go into a thousand word explanation, I'll just leave it at that. You know what I mean--self compassion, turning off (or at the least-turning down) the critical voice inside that keeps insisting I'm not good enough or not deserving enough or whatever. I'm not a therapist, but I talk with one regularly. What I've learned has been invaluable to my understanding of the human science, the petri dish of experience that has grown into me today. The common misconception is that knowing and possessing a better understanding of these connections automatically makes breaking away from their hold easier. It does not. I've gained significant weight throughout my therapy process but I've also gained an invaluable education about me. So what good is it? The important thing, in my opinion, is to realize it's only a piece of our puzzle. And putting our puzzle together requires more than just having the knowledge of what we do and why we do it, it requires deliberate actions. Simply having a good idea of where the pieces fit doesn't solve the puzzle, you gotta get hands on those pieces--you gotta be willing to physically work the puzzle. Is it always easy? NO. Will we get stuck occasionally? YES. Do we give up and wipe the puzzle into the floor? NEVER.
And from this day forward, this blog will be about deliberate actions. If you've read from the beginning of this blog or at least part of the first couple of years, you'll recognize exactly what it is. A daily diary. Now...I can't guarantee I won't go off on a philosophical tangent every now and again, because it comes very easy for me to do---and I'll occasionally get creative--but for the most part, it could get a little boring along the way...at least until you see what's happening and how it's unfolding.
--------------------
I hit the snooze bar twice this morning for an additional 18 minutes of sleep. By the time I hit the floor there wasn't much time for anything but the routine of getting out the door on time. Abbreviating my time for prayer and meditation isn't the best thing to do, but it's often what happens after a night of restlessness.
I make coffee and start breakfast (three whole eggs wrapped in a 60 calorie Joseph's Pita) cooking on low while I get showered and dressed. Multitasking all the way to the door with exactly enough time to drive to the studio, sit down, key the mic and sound as if I'm the most refreshed person in the world. "Good morning, it's 68 degrees--warm start for us as we go to New York for the latest from ABC..." I made it. And I'll be okay until the 10am split.
My employer has allowed me to adopt a split shift schedule throughout this sleep crisis and it's worked relatively well. I'm toast without the midday nap, so for the most productive version of me in the afternoon, it's become fairly important. This split schedule isn't ideal really and I look forward to getting my sleep puzzle sorted out and put together so I can function in a more normal way.
I cooked a large and lean sirloin steak during my midday split and it served me for lunch and dinner. I prepared steak and cheese crunchy tacos for lunch with mozzarella and salsa and for dinner I made a big steak and cheese omelet. I also snacked on apple slices today. I brought a bag of apples to work this afternoon to keep in the studio kitchen.
I arrived home shortly after 5pm and although I didn't plan on taking another nap, I quickly realized my body was insisting, so I complied to a regulated hour (alarm set) nap. Prepared dinner, listened to a small portion of one of my favorite podcasts (Marc Maron's WTF), made a trip to the store and then to the trail for some exercise. I had a good walk.
My right leg seems to be improving and that's good. Because when it's swollen, it's very hard to justify any kind of exercise that might stress the leg and cause painful sores. It's a catch 22--because the exercise helps me lose weight and the weight loss dramatically improves the leg swelling. In order to continue exercising consistently, I'll likely need to start wrapping with compression bandages designed specifically for lymphatic issues. And that's okay. Whatever it takes.
As I write this, I'm under my calorie budget for the day, I've exercised and I've written a blog post. I'll be hitting the pillow shortly with the confidence in knowing that I did well today. And this feeling, when duplicated consistently, has the power to create some seriously positive momentum!
Goodnight, thank you for reading,
Good choices,
Strength,
Sean
Wednesday, April 16, 2014
What's Going On With Me?
What's Going On With Me?
Several friends have expressed concern
for me lately and I sincerely appreciate their inquires. I thought
it best to update anyone else who might be concerned: After two
sleep labs and a new cpap machine, my body is still rejecting the
therapy. This constant state of exhaustion has taken its toll on me
in several ways. It's affected my job, my weight loss, my attitude
and emotional well being—basically, it's wreaked havoc.
It's now
affecting my voice, and for someone like me who makes a living by
speaking—that's pretty scary.
I've done okay with food because I
know eating more isn't the solution to the issue, even when
you're too tired to care most of the time. As far as exercise goes, I
haven't lately. Why? Aside from the obvious exhaustion, the lack of
rest has had an effect, as if I were staying on my feet constantly,
causing extreme swelling to my right leg with lymphatic issues
(something that, thanks to weight loss, hasn't been an issue in over
4 years). This effect has left me very cautious about putting too
much pressure on it for fear of skin breakage. That hasn't happened
and I'm doing whatever I need to do to keep it from happening.
I
received a facebook message from a reader who asked, “You're
obviously struggling because you're not posting regularly, so how can
you “coach” others in your group with Gerri?” Great question, a
fair question indeed. First of all, Gerri is the certified life
coach in our group. I am a “coach” too, based exclusively on my
personal experiences along this road and my ability to communicate
and effectively encourage and offer support, as I've done with
hundreds of people over the last five years. My struggles with this
medical issue hasn't affected my ability to relate to group members,
offer suggestions, inspire and motivate in my unique way. The group
helps me too, especially with the support and guidance of group
members—and of course Gerri Helms, one of the best life coaches in
the business.
My goals and plans are wonderful and they're still valid,
waiting, if you will, while I attend to my immediate health concerns.
I'm taking care of me and doing it the best I can with self-
compassion and a realistic approach. I'm scheduled to see a
specialist tomorrow afternoon and I'm looking forward to finding
solutions to my health concerns.
Thank you for reading and for caring,
Sincerely,
Sean
Sunday, March 16, 2014
Redefining Our Line
Redefining Our Line
Do we feel “right at
home?” To be where we are and remain here, is to live around the
line of least resistance, or so we might believe. But is our place
at this line really easy?
It's familiar, yes. On many levels, even
comforting, because it's what we know. But is it easy when you
consider all we sacrifice in its maintenance?
Our identity, our
social interactions and our inter-personal relationships all lean
heavily against us wandering too far from the line we've called home.
And when we decide to change, moving away from this place can be
scary.
We gradually realize the potential effects of this liberation
from what is known, transforms much more than what's on the surface;
our bodies and wardrobes.
Is it easy at this line or have we simply
become accustomed to adapting as needed to accommodate and preserve
our place?
When we regain, is it in part a subconscious retreat to
familiar surroundings?
In my opinion, the heart of the matter lies in
what we choose to find and maintain a semblance of comfort and peace.
And what we choose often lies to us in its promise. Excess food, or
excess anything, might keep us “safe,” but it doesn't make
anything easy and it doesn't fix anything.
To choose change is brave,
requiring large amounts of faith and commitment. Change isn't hard
simply because it's different, it's just not familiar. The only way
it becomes familiar is through practice.
We redefine our line.
And
along the way we find ourselves transforming in ways we didn't
expect. The line of least resistance isn't easy to maintain. It is
familiar and that provides an illusion of ease.
Perhaps it isn't the
line of least resistance—maybe it's the line of familiarity.
And
if we can embrace the changes we desire long enough to become
familiar and understanding, then perhaps we can change the base line
we call home.
Peace and strength,
Sean
Sunday, February 23, 2014
Of Clarity and Perspective
Of Clarity and Perspective
Just a day after my Monday appointment, I received the call about my sleep study results, including the pressure needed and the home health prescription. The same day, the home health place called and starting working on my insurance company about getting me a new machine. More on that in a moment!
Wednesday I transported mom to her eye specialist in Oklahoma City. I've been preoccupied during so many visits with mom and she notices every time (call it a mother's intuition). I can't count the times she's asked, "What's wrong, son?" or "Is everything okay?" And most of the time I would sugar coat my answer in an attempt to save her from worry. But she knew. She always knows when I'm "out of alignment" with my truest self. And instead of me "saving her" from worry by clamming up, her concern becomes amplified, because now she must play a guessing game as to what's wrong with her son.
Something was very different during this time we spent together. The difference maker is, I'm taking good care and I'm on the right track. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm maintaining a calorie budget again and I'm dealing with all stressful triggers head on, instead of ignoring them and simply managing the stress they create. We all know how I choose to manage stress. In other words, I'm taking charge of my life on different levels. I'm treating the root cause and not just managing the symptoms, if you will. My preferred treatment of "symptoms" is to eat, and eat some more, taking a temporary escape route where nothing is solved, only made worse by the added guilt and shame that floods in after the brief hiatus from caring. At that point, everything negative is magnified, the result of my natural coping mechanism.
It isn't easy to break away from these dynamics. Not easy at all. But when we declare our independence from these ingrained ways, positive things start clicking and we have some of the purest interactions with the ones we love. My trip with mom on Wednesday was one of the best we've had. Mom's eyes are doing great, by the way. Again--no surgery needed and another checkup was set for late June. Mom said "I've laughed more this morning than I have in a very long time." I live to see that woman smile and her laugh is music to my ears. We discussed issues important to both of us, with some serious points along the way, but for the most part, we enjoyed observational humor and improvised "stand-up." It was pure joy to laugh so hard and feel so free and once again enjoy our time together, instead of being preoccupied with the countless distractions the quicksand of a downward spiral brings about.
---------------------------
Getting the call from the home health supply place was good. A new machine with precisely the settings I needed was waiting for me. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed this paper attached to the wall:
I can personally attest to most of this list. If my recent doctors check up is any indication, I may have dodged the cardiovascular health issue, at least for now. It would have become a much more serious issue had I let it go, unchecked and rampant, without putting on the brakes and admitting it needed immediate attention.
I left their office with a new machine and a truckload of hope and anticipation of the incredible differences being properly rested will bring. I've had three nights on this new machine and the difference is profound. It isn't perfect as I try to get accustomed to a new headgear and mask, but even with this adjustment period, I still feel more rested than I have in three years. Exactly as I hoped.
-----------------------
A little more than a month ago, I received a message from a man who said he wanted to meet and talk about his weight issues. He told me we had communicated once before about this, but now more than ever, he was ready to sit down and discuss how to start, because like many of us at one time or another, he was stuck in the place where the question "Where and how do I start" weighs heavier than any number we've seen on a scale. We set a time to meet face to face at the studio and we talked for a while before walking to Subway for a low calorie dinner. If you condensed the resolution to our discussion down to three words, it was "keep it simple."
We met up again Thursday evening and it was a different man in front of me. He was thrilled with the simplicity of using My Fitness Pal for calorie counting. He had been maintaining his calorie budget despite an upside down schedule and a high stress kind of job that takes him to the streets of North Tulsa five nights a week. His recent doctors appointment showed a loss of 6 pounds. He's gained a confidence, calm and patience that was shining through with every word and expression.
He thanked me for taking the time to meet with him again and discussing this road we both travel. And I thanked him. Because let me tell you something---as much as he thinks I'm doing him a favor...he's doing me one equally significant. The support we give and receive is so crucial to our success. And he's the one doing this. He's the one shifting his perspective and making the big and small adjustments. He's the one inspiring, not only me, but everyone around him. He has a very positive road ahead and I'm honored to be riding shotgun.
---------------------
I received an email today from someone who has devoted the last several years to his education and in that pursuit has accomplished his goal of starting a profession that will serve him and many others for the rest of his life. As he prepares for the most difficult final exam of his new career, he was questioning if his reluctance to fully commit to losing weight and the better health it provides was justified or if using his intense education schedule as the barrier, was simply a "cop out." I spent some time thinking about and composing my reply and I think it's something very important to remember:
I
believe the pursuit isn't perfection, it's pursuit of a balance. That
balance we're looking for is a place where eating good and exercising
naturally becomes part of our daily lives, no matter what we're
experiencing. And we accept that it doesn't need to be perfect. We
accept that we shouldn't label every circumstance an "excuse"
or "cop out." And we know the difference because
we're intelligent people. In this "compassionate state," I
believe we're actually able to accomplish more than we did before and
in a more solid, sustainable fashion--because we're not sabotaging
our emotions with negativity. So the simple answer to your question is, no, it's not a cop out.
This issue has been a big factor for me this time. This whole self-compassion dynamic has been key for me the last six weeks. I'm practicing compassion and I'm finding balance and success. It's like I'm learning to crawl again, lifting myself up and eventually walk again and then, I will run again. The pressure to be "perfect" has been dismissed, replaced by the ruling majority of better choices and taking one day at a time, one step at a time. And I'll get to where I envision and I'll arrive stronger than I ever imagined.
----------------
Proud grandfather alert!!!
----------------
The video below is my grandson Noah a day after he figured out how to crawl. He too is off to the races and soon he'll be walking, running and jumping. He doesn't ever have impatient thoughts about his development, because he hasn't developed the references needed to form and qualify them. Instead, he happily, confidently and patiently proceeds, doing his best...growing and learning, and progressing on a schedule unique to him. My tender connection to him was never more profound as it was while watching him become emotional and fight against taking his medicine. Without thought, my lip started to quiver and emotion swept through me, as if we had transmitting cables connected between us, feeling each others emotion on the deepest level. Dear Lord, I love that boy.
-------------------
Now that I'm feeling better rested, it's time to exercise more regularly. That's my plan as I continue on, maintaining my 1700 calorie budget. Giving and receiving support is a must-have element to my success. I'd love for you to connect with me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) and My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson).
I'm teaming up once again with Gerri Helms to offer a weekly conference call support group where our small group gets on the phone and we talk about this road, we set individual goals, we share stories and we offer one another tremendous support. This group starts Tuesday March 4th at 7pm Central and every Tuesday after for 6 weeks. The group chemistry that naturally develops through our shared pursuits and struggles, is significantly positive. We still have some spots available in this group if you're interested. For more information, simply send me an email: Sean@transformationroad.com
Thank you for reading and your tremendous support,
Strength,
Sean
Just a day after my Monday appointment, I received the call about my sleep study results, including the pressure needed and the home health prescription. The same day, the home health place called and starting working on my insurance company about getting me a new machine. More on that in a moment!
Wednesday I transported mom to her eye specialist in Oklahoma City. I've been preoccupied during so many visits with mom and she notices every time (call it a mother's intuition). I can't count the times she's asked, "What's wrong, son?" or "Is everything okay?" And most of the time I would sugar coat my answer in an attempt to save her from worry. But she knew. She always knows when I'm "out of alignment" with my truest self. And instead of me "saving her" from worry by clamming up, her concern becomes amplified, because now she must play a guessing game as to what's wrong with her son.
Something was very different during this time we spent together. The difference maker is, I'm taking good care and I'm on the right track. I'm feeling good about myself. I'm maintaining a calorie budget again and I'm dealing with all stressful triggers head on, instead of ignoring them and simply managing the stress they create. We all know how I choose to manage stress. In other words, I'm taking charge of my life on different levels. I'm treating the root cause and not just managing the symptoms, if you will. My preferred treatment of "symptoms" is to eat, and eat some more, taking a temporary escape route where nothing is solved, only made worse by the added guilt and shame that floods in after the brief hiatus from caring. At that point, everything negative is magnified, the result of my natural coping mechanism.
It isn't easy to break away from these dynamics. Not easy at all. But when we declare our independence from these ingrained ways, positive things start clicking and we have some of the purest interactions with the ones we love. My trip with mom on Wednesday was one of the best we've had. Mom's eyes are doing great, by the way. Again--no surgery needed and another checkup was set for late June. Mom said "I've laughed more this morning than I have in a very long time." I live to see that woman smile and her laugh is music to my ears. We discussed issues important to both of us, with some serious points along the way, but for the most part, we enjoyed observational humor and improvised "stand-up." It was pure joy to laugh so hard and feel so free and once again enjoy our time together, instead of being preoccupied with the countless distractions the quicksand of a downward spiral brings about.
---------------------------
Getting the call from the home health supply place was good. A new machine with precisely the settings I needed was waiting for me. Upon arrival, I immediately noticed this paper attached to the wall:
I can personally attest to most of this list. If my recent doctors check up is any indication, I may have dodged the cardiovascular health issue, at least for now. It would have become a much more serious issue had I let it go, unchecked and rampant, without putting on the brakes and admitting it needed immediate attention.
I left their office with a new machine and a truckload of hope and anticipation of the incredible differences being properly rested will bring. I've had three nights on this new machine and the difference is profound. It isn't perfect as I try to get accustomed to a new headgear and mask, but even with this adjustment period, I still feel more rested than I have in three years. Exactly as I hoped.
-----------------------
A little more than a month ago, I received a message from a man who said he wanted to meet and talk about his weight issues. He told me we had communicated once before about this, but now more than ever, he was ready to sit down and discuss how to start, because like many of us at one time or another, he was stuck in the place where the question "Where and how do I start" weighs heavier than any number we've seen on a scale. We set a time to meet face to face at the studio and we talked for a while before walking to Subway for a low calorie dinner. If you condensed the resolution to our discussion down to three words, it was "keep it simple."
We met up again Thursday evening and it was a different man in front of me. He was thrilled with the simplicity of using My Fitness Pal for calorie counting. He had been maintaining his calorie budget despite an upside down schedule and a high stress kind of job that takes him to the streets of North Tulsa five nights a week. His recent doctors appointment showed a loss of 6 pounds. He's gained a confidence, calm and patience that was shining through with every word and expression.
He thanked me for taking the time to meet with him again and discussing this road we both travel. And I thanked him. Because let me tell you something---as much as he thinks I'm doing him a favor...he's doing me one equally significant. The support we give and receive is so crucial to our success. And he's the one doing this. He's the one shifting his perspective and making the big and small adjustments. He's the one inspiring, not only me, but everyone around him. He has a very positive road ahead and I'm honored to be riding shotgun.
---------------------
I received an email today from someone who has devoted the last several years to his education and in that pursuit has accomplished his goal of starting a profession that will serve him and many others for the rest of his life. As he prepares for the most difficult final exam of his new career, he was questioning if his reluctance to fully commit to losing weight and the better health it provides was justified or if using his intense education schedule as the barrier, was simply a "cop out." I spent some time thinking about and composing my reply and I think it's something very important to remember:
Whether
it's a cop out or not depends on your perspective. My opinion is,
it's a valid reason. That's my perspective. And there's a good reason
for this perspective.
We
both know that it was/is completely possible to take care of our
calorie budget and exercise no matter the circumstances. I think we
both agree there's a place, a zone that exist, where it doesn't
matter...nothing penetrates...no stress, situation, emotion,
nothing...nothing, nothing stands in the way... And that's all well
and good, except it's missing something.
It's
missing the element of self-compassion. When we're in that zone, we
set the bar so high that suddenly any deviation whatsoever--even if
not acted upon....yes, any deviation, even in thought---becomes a
target for self-ridicule and negative emotions. And that
negativity starts an unraveling, then suddenly we feel like we're a
million miles away again. This dynamic starts with a resolve based on
perfection. Not necessarily perfection in our choices...but
perfection in our consistent ability to maintain the budget and
exercise. When our thoughts and actions fail to live up to this
level of perfection, we turn on ourselves with blame, guilt and
shame...
We
must include a level of compassion for ourselves.
This issue has been a big factor for me this time. This whole self-compassion dynamic has been key for me the last six weeks. I'm practicing compassion and I'm finding balance and success. It's like I'm learning to crawl again, lifting myself up and eventually walk again and then, I will run again. The pressure to be "perfect" has been dismissed, replaced by the ruling majority of better choices and taking one day at a time, one step at a time. And I'll get to where I envision and I'll arrive stronger than I ever imagined.
----------------
Proud grandfather alert!!!
----------------
The video below is my grandson Noah a day after he figured out how to crawl. He too is off to the races and soon he'll be walking, running and jumping. He doesn't ever have impatient thoughts about his development, because he hasn't developed the references needed to form and qualify them. Instead, he happily, confidently and patiently proceeds, doing his best...growing and learning, and progressing on a schedule unique to him. My tender connection to him was never more profound as it was while watching him become emotional and fight against taking his medicine. Without thought, my lip started to quiver and emotion swept through me, as if we had transmitting cables connected between us, feeling each others emotion on the deepest level. Dear Lord, I love that boy.
-------------------
Now that I'm feeling better rested, it's time to exercise more regularly. That's my plan as I continue on, maintaining my 1700 calorie budget. Giving and receiving support is a must-have element to my success. I'd love for you to connect with me on Facebook (www.facebook.com/seananderson505), Twitter (@SeanAAnderson) and My Fitness Pal (SeanAAnderson).
I'm teaming up once again with Gerri Helms to offer a weekly conference call support group where our small group gets on the phone and we talk about this road, we set individual goals, we share stories and we offer one another tremendous support. This group starts Tuesday March 4th at 7pm Central and every Tuesday after for 6 weeks. The group chemistry that naturally develops through our shared pursuits and struggles, is significantly positive. We still have some spots available in this group if you're interested. For more information, simply send me an email: Sean@transformationroad.com
Thank you for reading and your tremendous support,
Strength,
Sean
Saturday, January 11, 2014
Ending The Detour
Ending The Detour
If you had approached me two years ago and asked, "Where will you be two years from now?" I would have replied in a matter of fact fashion, offering the most confident of answers full of my hopes, dreams, desires and rigid beliefs. There wasn't any going back, ever. I was out promoting my book and sharing this incredible feeling of freedom a 275 pound weight loss afforded me. It was more than that though, my mission was to spread hope, to help reignite dreams of freedom in others. To simply say, if I can do it, I know you can do it too. "Look at those size 64+ jeans, look at that 500 pound man in the picture and understand, truly believe, it doesn't have to be this way anymore. I'm living proof."
Regardless of the confidence level projected, the underlying fear of regaining was always present. I had successfully maintained for over a year because I maintained a schedule of writing, exercising and eating within a reasonable limit. I made these things a priority. But as the Fall of 2012 approached and realities far undershot my own lofty expectations, I started slipping. I became depressed and slowly, I started to retreat into self-destructive behavior. I stopped writing as much, I stopped working out, and I started eating for comfort and escape. And I withdrew from those who cared about me, brushing off their inquiries of concern with, "I'm fine, no really, I'm okay." I wasn't okay.
I had written about "knowing too much to ever go back," but it isn't that simple. I was mistakenly discounting the power and science of addiction; forgetting about the ability to ignore the truth, to ignore what's right and good in order to proceed with reckless abandon. In the forward to my book, Ralph Marston wrote about how the more you ignore the truth, the more the truth asserts itself. He nailed it, didn't he?
Every now and again, I would try my best to grab control and right myself "before my descent is exposed!" I was thinking it was as simple as writing more, as exhibited in January 2013 when I authored fourteen blog posts. Or perhaps it was as easy as being more available on facebook. Or maybe it was as easy as attending more private one on one therapy sessions. Perhaps I needed more prayer and meditations...like, really mean it this time stuff.
I even partnered with a good friend, starting a weekly call support group, where I could offer support via phone, complete with goals, challenges and a fantastic group chemistry that was full of positive in so many ways. And I believe many of the group members knew that I was hoping and praying it would be just as good for me as it was for them. And it was good. Several of the participants, to this day, have nothing but positive words about the group. But I still felt pulled away from good. Eventually I stopped co-moderating the calls because I couldn't, in good conscious, offer support and advice that I clearly wasn't following.
As the weight gain became more apparent, I faced a whole different dynamic. Suddenly it became difficult to be in public because it seemed I would run into people familiar with my story everywhere, many who had purchased and read my book. Some made mention, even lightly with a "So, how are you doing?" Others were more direct, "how much have you gained?" And most didn't bring it up at all, but they still knew I wasn't doing well. I don't easily hide behind a false smile or clothing several sizes bigger.
I've had little compassion for myself. And that is something that only digs the hole deeper. Self-loathing, guilt, shame--all of the negative emotions of regaining, magnified by my sincere desire to share, to make a positive impact in some small way, became too much to handle. Those negatives kept the cycle going because the more I felt bad about myself, the more I felt paralyzed and stuck in a downward spiral.
Letting go of the above mentioned negatives is, I believe, the first step to ending the detour. Having real self-compassion and embracing all that is good in me and understanding I am human, I am good, I have a huge heart and I'm a success, is paramount. No more lies about me from me...Oh, my friend, how horribly abusive I've been to me...That stuff stops. I'm Sean Allen Anderson, by golly. And I'm good. I'm a fantastic human.
Ending this detour takes a level of prayer and meditation the likes of which I've never fully embraced. It takes a willingness to offer support and accept support. I've had to stop and pray a few times while writing this post because it's so hard to write. But it's so necessary for me.
And this is for me. I'm asking for your encouragement and support. I'm asking for the same dynamics that made my blog a key element in my initial weight loss. I'm asking, in prayer, for the strength and guidance to show me the way, to give me a hand back onto the road.
It will require differences in my approach. And I'm prepared to meet the challenges along the way.
What has prompted this sudden stop, this surrender and reclamation? A doctors visit. A scale. A prescription for high blood pressure medicine. A mirror. A belief. A hope. A dream.
A prayer.
Thank you for your support,
Strength,
Sean Anderson
If you had approached me two years ago and asked, "Where will you be two years from now?" I would have replied in a matter of fact fashion, offering the most confident of answers full of my hopes, dreams, desires and rigid beliefs. There wasn't any going back, ever. I was out promoting my book and sharing this incredible feeling of freedom a 275 pound weight loss afforded me. It was more than that though, my mission was to spread hope, to help reignite dreams of freedom in others. To simply say, if I can do it, I know you can do it too. "Look at those size 64+ jeans, look at that 500 pound man in the picture and understand, truly believe, it doesn't have to be this way anymore. I'm living proof."
Regardless of the confidence level projected, the underlying fear of regaining was always present. I had successfully maintained for over a year because I maintained a schedule of writing, exercising and eating within a reasonable limit. I made these things a priority. But as the Fall of 2012 approached and realities far undershot my own lofty expectations, I started slipping. I became depressed and slowly, I started to retreat into self-destructive behavior. I stopped writing as much, I stopped working out, and I started eating for comfort and escape. And I withdrew from those who cared about me, brushing off their inquiries of concern with, "I'm fine, no really, I'm okay." I wasn't okay.
I had written about "knowing too much to ever go back," but it isn't that simple. I was mistakenly discounting the power and science of addiction; forgetting about the ability to ignore the truth, to ignore what's right and good in order to proceed with reckless abandon. In the forward to my book, Ralph Marston wrote about how the more you ignore the truth, the more the truth asserts itself. He nailed it, didn't he?
Every now and again, I would try my best to grab control and right myself "before my descent is exposed!" I was thinking it was as simple as writing more, as exhibited in January 2013 when I authored fourteen blog posts. Or perhaps it was as easy as being more available on facebook. Or maybe it was as easy as attending more private one on one therapy sessions. Perhaps I needed more prayer and meditations...like, really mean it this time stuff.
I even partnered with a good friend, starting a weekly call support group, where I could offer support via phone, complete with goals, challenges and a fantastic group chemistry that was full of positive in so many ways. And I believe many of the group members knew that I was hoping and praying it would be just as good for me as it was for them. And it was good. Several of the participants, to this day, have nothing but positive words about the group. But I still felt pulled away from good. Eventually I stopped co-moderating the calls because I couldn't, in good conscious, offer support and advice that I clearly wasn't following.
As the weight gain became more apparent, I faced a whole different dynamic. Suddenly it became difficult to be in public because it seemed I would run into people familiar with my story everywhere, many who had purchased and read my book. Some made mention, even lightly with a "So, how are you doing?" Others were more direct, "how much have you gained?" And most didn't bring it up at all, but they still knew I wasn't doing well. I don't easily hide behind a false smile or clothing several sizes bigger.
I've had little compassion for myself. And that is something that only digs the hole deeper. Self-loathing, guilt, shame--all of the negative emotions of regaining, magnified by my sincere desire to share, to make a positive impact in some small way, became too much to handle. Those negatives kept the cycle going because the more I felt bad about myself, the more I felt paralyzed and stuck in a downward spiral.
Letting go of the above mentioned negatives is, I believe, the first step to ending the detour. Having real self-compassion and embracing all that is good in me and understanding I am human, I am good, I have a huge heart and I'm a success, is paramount. No more lies about me from me...Oh, my friend, how horribly abusive I've been to me...That stuff stops. I'm Sean Allen Anderson, by golly. And I'm good. I'm a fantastic human.
Ending this detour takes a level of prayer and meditation the likes of which I've never fully embraced. It takes a willingness to offer support and accept support. I've had to stop and pray a few times while writing this post because it's so hard to write. But it's so necessary for me.
And this is for me. I'm asking for your encouragement and support. I'm asking for the same dynamics that made my blog a key element in my initial weight loss. I'm asking, in prayer, for the strength and guidance to show me the way, to give me a hand back onto the road.
It will require differences in my approach. And I'm prepared to meet the challenges along the way.
What has prompted this sudden stop, this surrender and reclamation? A doctors visit. A scale. A prescription for high blood pressure medicine. A mirror. A belief. A hope. A dream.
A prayer.
Thank you for your support,
Strength,
Sean Anderson
Friday, January 18, 2013
The Excitement In Doing
The Excitement In Doing
There's an excitement in my step and it's one I recognize from the early days of my weight loss success. I'll be weighing again in a little over a week and every two weeks after and I know, without doubt, I'll find results. I've been straight up walkin' it. I've been doing.
And when we're doing, and we're being true to ourselves along this road, there's an alignment of joy that comes over us like no other. This is what we're looking for. This is what it's been about. This is the road to where we want to go.
The other day on my facebook page I posted a "micro-blog" that generated a couple of questions--and I'd like to answers those...
The post:
"At my heaviest, I often asked an endless amount of questions “in search” of the answers I wanted about weight loss. And asking questions is a good thing. Often though, I would keep asking—collecting answers until I heard what I wanted to hear. There comes a time when the questions have been asked and answered, the advice given and received—and there's never a shortage when it comes to this exchange. But there comes a time when we must simply start doing. Simplifying our approach and simply doing what we already know—then occasionally reaching back and incorporating nuggets of advice we've collected along the way, is, in my experience—the way. There comes a time. And it's here. The time is now."
Questions:
Peggy: "You got that right keep it coming because I need all the info I can get. Doc say stop eating this and that and it is not working. How about you? Any answer to that as well? Hope to hear from you."
Peggy--There's no shortage of advise, of course. Often, we're told exactly what would be an optimal diet. We're told lean meats, vegetables, fruits and whole grains--or whatever. We're given a menu of what would be this ideal consumption list. And we're given another list of everything we should avoid--and of course it's three times as long. First of all--The doctor is right in an ideal or "perfect" sense. I don't know about you, but I'm not perfect. I'm sure, in the "do and do not" foods listed, he's spot on. What isn't addressed in this approach is what we've been doing, who we are and what it will take to get us there. An all or nothing approach might work for some--a drastic cleaning of the cupboards and fridge---and an immediate shift to only what would be considered ideal. For me, an approach like that would have been going to bed and expecting to wake up a completely different person. And I might have been able to keep up the charade for a while--but eventually, I would return to my natural inclinations--my familiar territory. This is why I'm a big proponent of changing the focus from this "ideal" list of foods--and putting it on a gradual evolution of good choices. Doing--is setting a limit and sticking to it. Holding a calorie limit sacred--making it the most important goal everyday...and allowing room in your food selection to naturally evolve as you go. The focus is less about what you're eating and more about the mental dynamics keeping you honest and within the bounds you've set. First of all--You'll naturally start making better choices simply because you're wanting to get the most value, food, for your available calories. Secondly--By allowing yourself a natural evolution of good choices, you're eliminating the negative mental effects of "I messed up," when you eat something not on the "perfect" list. You'll learn much about yourself along the way when you're taking the approach of portion control--eating what you like, but strictly adhering to a set budget. Eventually you can arrive at a place where you're eating habits are drastically changed in a very natural, productive way.
Nicole: "Figuring out why we do this would be MONUMENTAL, would it not?"
Nicole-- We do this because it postpones the moment where we take control once and for all. As long as we convince ourselves we're ill prepared, without the answers we need--it alleviates the responsibility to take charge of ourselves. And because we're ill prepared, we feel justified in delaying our transformation--it alleviates the feelings of guilt, because we're convinced it's not our fault--we're still a victim because we haven't received the answers we need. We simply must do. Enough with the seeking... The answers will come along the way. And since we're doing, so will results.
I'm headed to Tulsa's Hard Rock Hotel for the Oklahoma Osteopath Association Winter Conference. I'm a featured speaker Saturday morning. The name and focus of the conference is "The Ravages of Obesity." Indeed...yes indeed... It does ravage. I can't wait to speak to a group very different than any other I've ever encountered: 350 doctors and medical professionals in a room. This will be good.
I'm happy to share my mom's wonderful success! She, along with my aunt Kelli and her husband Tim are all doing well--on Day 6 of their journey. They're all supporting one another and all three are experiencing success already. It was pure joy to hear mom's voice last night as she was telling me how she had already lost 2 pounds... She's feeling the same excitement I talked about earlier. She knows success is coming. she's doing. It's such a great feeling.
I look forward to sharing how this conference goes and what I've learned from the experience.
I'll be facing "road decisions" with my food---navigating a Toby Keith's Bar and Grill for dinner tonight. I'll be live tweeting that experience for sure.
I would love for you to follow me on Twitter-- @seanaanderson
More later, my friends...
My best always---thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
There's an excitement in my step and it's one I recognize from the early days of my weight loss success. I'll be weighing again in a little over a week and every two weeks after and I know, without doubt, I'll find results. I've been straight up walkin' it. I've been doing.
And when we're doing, and we're being true to ourselves along this road, there's an alignment of joy that comes over us like no other. This is what we're looking for. This is what it's been about. This is the road to where we want to go.
The other day on my facebook page I posted a "micro-blog" that generated a couple of questions--and I'd like to answers those...
The post:
"At my heaviest, I often asked an endless amount of questions “in search” of the answers I wanted about weight loss. And asking questions is a good thing. Often though, I would keep asking—collecting answers until I heard what I wanted to hear. There comes a time when the questions have been asked and answered, the advice given and received—and there's never a shortage when it comes to this exchange. But there comes a time when we must simply start doing. Simplifying our approach and simply doing what we already know—then occasionally reaching back and incorporating nuggets of advice we've collected along the way, is, in my experience—the way. There comes a time. And it's here. The time is now."
Questions:
Peggy: "You got that right keep it coming because I need all the info I can get. Doc say stop eating this and that and it is not working. How about you? Any answer to that as well? Hope to hear from you."
Peggy--There's no shortage of advise, of course. Often, we're told exactly what would be an optimal diet. We're told lean meats, vegetables, fruits and whole grains--or whatever. We're given a menu of what would be this ideal consumption list. And we're given another list of everything we should avoid--and of course it's three times as long. First of all--The doctor is right in an ideal or "perfect" sense. I don't know about you, but I'm not perfect. I'm sure, in the "do and do not" foods listed, he's spot on. What isn't addressed in this approach is what we've been doing, who we are and what it will take to get us there. An all or nothing approach might work for some--a drastic cleaning of the cupboards and fridge---and an immediate shift to only what would be considered ideal. For me, an approach like that would have been going to bed and expecting to wake up a completely different person. And I might have been able to keep up the charade for a while--but eventually, I would return to my natural inclinations--my familiar territory. This is why I'm a big proponent of changing the focus from this "ideal" list of foods--and putting it on a gradual evolution of good choices. Doing--is setting a limit and sticking to it. Holding a calorie limit sacred--making it the most important goal everyday...and allowing room in your food selection to naturally evolve as you go. The focus is less about what you're eating and more about the mental dynamics keeping you honest and within the bounds you've set. First of all--You'll naturally start making better choices simply because you're wanting to get the most value, food, for your available calories. Secondly--By allowing yourself a natural evolution of good choices, you're eliminating the negative mental effects of "I messed up," when you eat something not on the "perfect" list. You'll learn much about yourself along the way when you're taking the approach of portion control--eating what you like, but strictly adhering to a set budget. Eventually you can arrive at a place where you're eating habits are drastically changed in a very natural, productive way.
Nicole: "Figuring out why we do this would be MONUMENTAL, would it not?"
Nicole-- We do this because it postpones the moment where we take control once and for all. As long as we convince ourselves we're ill prepared, without the answers we need--it alleviates the responsibility to take charge of ourselves. And because we're ill prepared, we feel justified in delaying our transformation--it alleviates the feelings of guilt, because we're convinced it's not our fault--we're still a victim because we haven't received the answers we need. We simply must do. Enough with the seeking... The answers will come along the way. And since we're doing, so will results.
I'm headed to Tulsa's Hard Rock Hotel for the Oklahoma Osteopath Association Winter Conference. I'm a featured speaker Saturday morning. The name and focus of the conference is "The Ravages of Obesity." Indeed...yes indeed... It does ravage. I can't wait to speak to a group very different than any other I've ever encountered: 350 doctors and medical professionals in a room. This will be good.
I'm happy to share my mom's wonderful success! She, along with my aunt Kelli and her husband Tim are all doing well--on Day 6 of their journey. They're all supporting one another and all three are experiencing success already. It was pure joy to hear mom's voice last night as she was telling me how she had already lost 2 pounds... She's feeling the same excitement I talked about earlier. She knows success is coming. she's doing. It's such a great feeling.
I look forward to sharing how this conference goes and what I've learned from the experience.
I'll be facing "road decisions" with my food---navigating a Toby Keith's Bar and Grill for dinner tonight. I'll be live tweeting that experience for sure.
I would love for you to follow me on Twitter-- @seanaanderson
More later, my friends...
My best always---thank you for reading, goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Monday, January 14, 2013
Taking Care of A Renewed Spirit
Taking Care of A Renewed Spirit
Taking care of a renewed spirit requires constant care for me. I find myself being overly cautious (not sure that's possible or a bad thing at all); applying thoughtful intent with every choice I'm making. It's simply a matter of stopping long enough to question what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And not the bogus reasons an addict creates, but real solid, honest reasons why. If my choice passes the truth test, I proceed. It sounds like it might make for a long day but it doesn't really because these decisions, choices develop quickly--and the most honest, right and good ones are the easiest to recognize because they don't require long explanations or fancy word rationalizations. You know they're right from the start. If a choice is taking too long to "pass," then it's likely not the best choice for me, at this time.
And as I've said from the very beginning--I'm not perfect, never will be. But I can and I am doing my best everyday. My original goal of a return to daily posting hasn't exactly happened yet and that's okay. Eleven posts in the first two weeks of the year is a great start considering I've posted fourteen updates a year for the past two. The first twenty-two months of this blog was daily and it's when I experienced my greatest success. I'm remembering what an important role daily blogging played and again, I'm doing my best today. My biggest challenge is resisting the urge to write more. Let me explain: When I sit down to write, I have many updates in my mind. I also have my insights, philosophies and opinions... and I sometimes have an issue keeping to a timed schedule. If I say--"okay, I'll update daily, but I'll give myself a time limit of 30 minutes"---it sounds good in theory...then an hour and a half later I'm hitting the post button. I'm afraid anything less and this blog would be a very different type blog. I guess I feel at home here. I may not know you personally, but I know if you're reading this, chances are good we have some things in common along this road. So, that "at home" feeling...yeah, like you can talk--open up and be understood, is a powerful draw to me.
I've cooked a bunch lately. From turkey burgers to lean venison, some kind of crazy Hawaiian chicken creation to simply grilling a chicken breast. I'm still fairly limited on my vegetable profile---green beans are a staple along with yellow squash and asparagus. I'm using mushrooms and green peppers in my breakfast omelets and of course, I've had a supply of Joseph's Oat Bran-Flax Seed-Whole Wheat 60 calorie pitas too. I'm limiting potatoes, almost completely out of my menu actually. For me, I think part of my loyalty to the potato was simply routine, because I'm finding if I don't have it, I don't miss it. Eggs are a big part--I go through at least four egg whites a day in the morning (above mentioned omelet), and sometimes I have a couple whole eggs, scrambled for a mid afternoon protein snack. I have a giant stock-pile of steel cut oats and after recently ruining a crock pot full, I haven't made another attempt. I do like them--and I like how I feel when I eat them...it's simply a convenience thing that I don't, very often. Although plenty of suggestions have come in on how to make them, store them and enjoy them. It's just a matter of taking a little time for preparation. I stick with apples, oranges and pears for fruit--and occasionally baby carrots make their way into my bag for snacks. Today, ill prepared--I ended up snacking on a 100 calorie snack bag of Pop Secret popcorn and a few pear slices a co-worker shared with me.
I made a triumphant return to the spin studio at the YMCA this evening. Okay, maybe "triumphant return" isn't the right description. I awkwardly climbed onto the spin cycle in the far back corner of the room...after a long absence from this class--and I proceeded to...uh...stay positive Sean...I did okay. Yeah--I made it through the entire class and I stayed on the suggested gear the entire time. That's a victory today. My RPM's might not have been what they were at one time, but I was there and doing it and it felt very good. The biggest thing I enjoy about spinning is the completely drenched workout it gives me. I never leave a spin class wondering if I had a good workout. There isn't a doubt. It's very good for me. I'm planning on spinning a minimum of twice a week with an intent of finding a third on a Friday or Saturday, depending on my schedule.
I'm feeling very good about a number of things lately. I've been exercising my spirituality lately, now more than ever and it's clearly making giant differences in my perspective. I don't dive into my most personal spiritual relationship, but as you might imagine, it's a monumental part of my recovery. My attitude has made a crucial shift, my focus has tightened and suddenly I have greater strength to move consistently forward in the right direction.
When I post something to facebook--it's sometimes just a quick update or a picture of a meal. Other times, I take a little more time and thought in posting what I call a "micro-blog." The challenge for me--is to communicate an idea or something I've experienced first hand along this road in a very quick/concise fashion. Today's:
"It's exciting when we realize the power we posses to accomplish our truest desires. And what a relief to know we don't have to figure it all out beforehand. We have faith to simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward in step with right and good. When changes come along, we're within sight—able to see what we once couldn't imagine in our wildest. That's exciting. Happy travels." ;)
Thank you for reading and for your wonderful support. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Taking care of a renewed spirit requires constant care for me. I find myself being overly cautious (not sure that's possible or a bad thing at all); applying thoughtful intent with every choice I'm making. It's simply a matter of stopping long enough to question what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. And not the bogus reasons an addict creates, but real solid, honest reasons why. If my choice passes the truth test, I proceed. It sounds like it might make for a long day but it doesn't really because these decisions, choices develop quickly--and the most honest, right and good ones are the easiest to recognize because they don't require long explanations or fancy word rationalizations. You know they're right from the start. If a choice is taking too long to "pass," then it's likely not the best choice for me, at this time.
And as I've said from the very beginning--I'm not perfect, never will be. But I can and I am doing my best everyday. My original goal of a return to daily posting hasn't exactly happened yet and that's okay. Eleven posts in the first two weeks of the year is a great start considering I've posted fourteen updates a year for the past two. The first twenty-two months of this blog was daily and it's when I experienced my greatest success. I'm remembering what an important role daily blogging played and again, I'm doing my best today. My biggest challenge is resisting the urge to write more. Let me explain: When I sit down to write, I have many updates in my mind. I also have my insights, philosophies and opinions... and I sometimes have an issue keeping to a timed schedule. If I say--"okay, I'll update daily, but I'll give myself a time limit of 30 minutes"---it sounds good in theory...then an hour and a half later I'm hitting the post button. I'm afraid anything less and this blog would be a very different type blog. I guess I feel at home here. I may not know you personally, but I know if you're reading this, chances are good we have some things in common along this road. So, that "at home" feeling...yeah, like you can talk--open up and be understood, is a powerful draw to me.
I've cooked a bunch lately. From turkey burgers to lean venison, some kind of crazy Hawaiian chicken creation to simply grilling a chicken breast. I'm still fairly limited on my vegetable profile---green beans are a staple along with yellow squash and asparagus. I'm using mushrooms and green peppers in my breakfast omelets and of course, I've had a supply of Joseph's Oat Bran-Flax Seed-Whole Wheat 60 calorie pitas too. I'm limiting potatoes, almost completely out of my menu actually. For me, I think part of my loyalty to the potato was simply routine, because I'm finding if I don't have it, I don't miss it. Eggs are a big part--I go through at least four egg whites a day in the morning (above mentioned omelet), and sometimes I have a couple whole eggs, scrambled for a mid afternoon protein snack. I have a giant stock-pile of steel cut oats and after recently ruining a crock pot full, I haven't made another attempt. I do like them--and I like how I feel when I eat them...it's simply a convenience thing that I don't, very often. Although plenty of suggestions have come in on how to make them, store them and enjoy them. It's just a matter of taking a little time for preparation. I stick with apples, oranges and pears for fruit--and occasionally baby carrots make their way into my bag for snacks. Today, ill prepared--I ended up snacking on a 100 calorie snack bag of Pop Secret popcorn and a few pear slices a co-worker shared with me.
I made a triumphant return to the spin studio at the YMCA this evening. Okay, maybe "triumphant return" isn't the right description. I awkwardly climbed onto the spin cycle in the far back corner of the room...after a long absence from this class--and I proceeded to...uh...stay positive Sean...I did okay. Yeah--I made it through the entire class and I stayed on the suggested gear the entire time. That's a victory today. My RPM's might not have been what they were at one time, but I was there and doing it and it felt very good. The biggest thing I enjoy about spinning is the completely drenched workout it gives me. I never leave a spin class wondering if I had a good workout. There isn't a doubt. It's very good for me. I'm planning on spinning a minimum of twice a week with an intent of finding a third on a Friday or Saturday, depending on my schedule.
I'm feeling very good about a number of things lately. I've been exercising my spirituality lately, now more than ever and it's clearly making giant differences in my perspective. I don't dive into my most personal spiritual relationship, but as you might imagine, it's a monumental part of my recovery. My attitude has made a crucial shift, my focus has tightened and suddenly I have greater strength to move consistently forward in the right direction.
When I post something to facebook--it's sometimes just a quick update or a picture of a meal. Other times, I take a little more time and thought in posting what I call a "micro-blog." The challenge for me--is to communicate an idea or something I've experienced first hand along this road in a very quick/concise fashion. Today's:
"It's exciting when we realize the power we posses to accomplish our truest desires. And what a relief to know we don't have to figure it all out beforehand. We have faith to simply put one foot in front of the other and move forward in step with right and good. When changes come along, we're within sight—able to see what we once couldn't imagine in our wildest. That's exciting. Happy travels." ;)
Thank you for reading and for your wonderful support. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Friday, January 11, 2013
A Real Good Day
A Real Good Day
Friday was a great day. It was non-stop busy and at the same time awesome. The medicines prescribed me have made a major difference, mostly good, some not so good. The steroid pill, I'm pretty sure was the culprit in keeping me awake Thursday night. Even the cough syrup couldn't counteract the effect of the steroid pill. Despite only four and a half hours sleep, I made Friday fabulous.
I had a speaking event at 12:30pm for a local community service civic organization. The room was packed and although I carried some nerves into the event (I always do), it turned out to be a wonderful experience. It was shorter than usual, only 20 minutes plus Q&A after, followed by signing books. Every time I do one of these events, the passion is refreshed within me. And although I've talked about my life and transformation to groups of people numerous times, I still get a touch emotional in the same places along the way. An additional element of the presentation has included my recent struggles and re-gaining. After the event, after books were signed and everyone was leaving--I was approached by one of the attendees who asked "How have you stopped the slide?"
I told her about the incredible support system of friends far and near, like you--reading this post. I told her about how once you've reached a point of truth so deep into recovery, it's simply impossible to forget. Obviously it's not impossible to ignore, to stray--but the universal truths never change. And understanding that getting realigned with the truth is truly a matter of life and death, it becomes a priority again. And then I told her about some of the powerful messages I've received and continue to receive from people far and near. I told her how these messages touch me, how I understand what they're going through and how deeply moved I am when they express gratitude to me for helping them in some way. It's an awesome responsibility and one that I cherish always--and although I'm taking care for my own personal health and well being, doing this for me--I also do this for others. That's important to me. I want to be another positive example (and there have been many before me), a resource of hope and inspiration to anyone dreaming of a life free from the mental and physical restraints of morbid obesity. Returning to 500 pounds would only be an option if I didn't care about anything or anyone, or did care but chose to ignore and suppress the feelings all the way back up the scale. I care. I refuse to ignore or suppress this feeling. And I can't turn it off. This is what I was meant to do with my life and I fully believe this to be my personal truth.
I made my way back to the studio after the event and finished my broadcasting duties. It was getting late in the afternoon and I was getting hungry. I had a filling breakfast and a small lunch, so when I pulled away from work I was immediately thinking about dinner. I had to go grocery shopping. And I was going to do it while hungry. That's usually not a very good idea.
One of the things I noticed about this day is how the errant thoughts--you know, the ones suggesting choices better left ignored, were totally gone. Battling these type of negative-bad-choice loaded thoughts is something I've had to do a bunch over the last seven months and of course, as you know--I've lost some battles along the way. But on this day, it was as if those thoughts surrendered, taking with them one of the most challenging aspects of my recovery. I'm not saying they're gone for good, I'd be a fool to believe that, but I can say I felt incredibly empowered, overwhelmed with a sense of purpose, pride and passion.
Back at the store parking lot and feeling hungry, I approached with caution. Not letting my guard down, I made a strategic grocery shopping decision: I would hand-carry my selections. I was simply after ingredients for dinner and Saturday morning breakfast, both meals for one--just me. There wasn't a reason good enough to convince me I needed a basket. The items are pictured below. The best photo wasn't snapped--it would have been of me trying to keep everything from crashing to the floor. This strategy worked very well. There wasn't anything I grabbed that I didn't need. I made it out of there safely and feeling even better about this state of mind dominating my Friday.
I've had moments the last seven months, so off, so dark--that now that I'm emerging from the darkness, so to speak, I still question the origins of the good. I felt positively high on life. Was it the medicine? The steroids are messing with me, huh? Or is it simply a renewed confidence, a refreshed perspective and a re-framing of where I've been and where I'm headed?
I'm getting comfortable again with my food choices. I have learned a lot about myself along this road and some of them I've talked about from the very beginning. Like one of my most important goals: To become someone who eats normal portions at appropriate times. To become someone who doesn't automatically turn to food for comfort and numbing of emotions. These goals have evolved to include becoming someone who eats better, healthier selections at all times, regardless of circumstances and the issues of the day. This isn't a temporary deal. This is for life. My pursuit isn't about perfection, it's about making the choices best for me at any given time with special consideration and attention on my personal food profile, if you will.
I'm looking forward to the coming days as I return to 100% health wise. I also look forward to once again watching the scale go back down with consistency. I'll be weighing every two weeks, just as I did originally--and of course I'll be sharing those numbers along the way.
Thank you for reading and for your support. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Some pictures from Friday and Saturday morning:
The single green apple almost threw it all out of balance. The eggs--I clutched them like a football player with a ball. I wasn't losing the eggs!
This isn't a recipe of any sort--Just an experiment. And it was okay, very good actually--even though it didn't come out looking like I had envisioned...
Saturday morning breakfast. I love making a giant omelet and then marveling at the calorie value. I used mushrooms, red onions and green peppers--one whole egg and three egg whites for a big, filling breakfast and still, the entire omelet checked in at a low 140. I didn't use cheese this time, that helped keep it low. The green apple and some left over pineapple chunks rounded out this wonderful breakfast!
Friday was a great day. It was non-stop busy and at the same time awesome. The medicines prescribed me have made a major difference, mostly good, some not so good. The steroid pill, I'm pretty sure was the culprit in keeping me awake Thursday night. Even the cough syrup couldn't counteract the effect of the steroid pill. Despite only four and a half hours sleep, I made Friday fabulous.
I had a speaking event at 12:30pm for a local community service civic organization. The room was packed and although I carried some nerves into the event (I always do), it turned out to be a wonderful experience. It was shorter than usual, only 20 minutes plus Q&A after, followed by signing books. Every time I do one of these events, the passion is refreshed within me. And although I've talked about my life and transformation to groups of people numerous times, I still get a touch emotional in the same places along the way. An additional element of the presentation has included my recent struggles and re-gaining. After the event, after books were signed and everyone was leaving--I was approached by one of the attendees who asked "How have you stopped the slide?"
I told her about the incredible support system of friends far and near, like you--reading this post. I told her about how once you've reached a point of truth so deep into recovery, it's simply impossible to forget. Obviously it's not impossible to ignore, to stray--but the universal truths never change. And understanding that getting realigned with the truth is truly a matter of life and death, it becomes a priority again. And then I told her about some of the powerful messages I've received and continue to receive from people far and near. I told her how these messages touch me, how I understand what they're going through and how deeply moved I am when they express gratitude to me for helping them in some way. It's an awesome responsibility and one that I cherish always--and although I'm taking care for my own personal health and well being, doing this for me--I also do this for others. That's important to me. I want to be another positive example (and there have been many before me), a resource of hope and inspiration to anyone dreaming of a life free from the mental and physical restraints of morbid obesity. Returning to 500 pounds would only be an option if I didn't care about anything or anyone, or did care but chose to ignore and suppress the feelings all the way back up the scale. I care. I refuse to ignore or suppress this feeling. And I can't turn it off. This is what I was meant to do with my life and I fully believe this to be my personal truth.
I made my way back to the studio after the event and finished my broadcasting duties. It was getting late in the afternoon and I was getting hungry. I had a filling breakfast and a small lunch, so when I pulled away from work I was immediately thinking about dinner. I had to go grocery shopping. And I was going to do it while hungry. That's usually not a very good idea.
One of the things I noticed about this day is how the errant thoughts--you know, the ones suggesting choices better left ignored, were totally gone. Battling these type of negative-bad-choice loaded thoughts is something I've had to do a bunch over the last seven months and of course, as you know--I've lost some battles along the way. But on this day, it was as if those thoughts surrendered, taking with them one of the most challenging aspects of my recovery. I'm not saying they're gone for good, I'd be a fool to believe that, but I can say I felt incredibly empowered, overwhelmed with a sense of purpose, pride and passion.
Back at the store parking lot and feeling hungry, I approached with caution. Not letting my guard down, I made a strategic grocery shopping decision: I would hand-carry my selections. I was simply after ingredients for dinner and Saturday morning breakfast, both meals for one--just me. There wasn't a reason good enough to convince me I needed a basket. The items are pictured below. The best photo wasn't snapped--it would have been of me trying to keep everything from crashing to the floor. This strategy worked very well. There wasn't anything I grabbed that I didn't need. I made it out of there safely and feeling even better about this state of mind dominating my Friday.
I've had moments the last seven months, so off, so dark--that now that I'm emerging from the darkness, so to speak, I still question the origins of the good. I felt positively high on life. Was it the medicine? The steroids are messing with me, huh? Or is it simply a renewed confidence, a refreshed perspective and a re-framing of where I've been and where I'm headed?
I'm getting comfortable again with my food choices. I have learned a lot about myself along this road and some of them I've talked about from the very beginning. Like one of my most important goals: To become someone who eats normal portions at appropriate times. To become someone who doesn't automatically turn to food for comfort and numbing of emotions. These goals have evolved to include becoming someone who eats better, healthier selections at all times, regardless of circumstances and the issues of the day. This isn't a temporary deal. This is for life. My pursuit isn't about perfection, it's about making the choices best for me at any given time with special consideration and attention on my personal food profile, if you will.
I'm looking forward to the coming days as I return to 100% health wise. I also look forward to once again watching the scale go back down with consistency. I'll be weighing every two weeks, just as I did originally--and of course I'll be sharing those numbers along the way.
Thank you for reading and for your support. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Some pictures from Friday and Saturday morning:
The single green apple almost threw it all out of balance. The eggs--I clutched them like a football player with a ball. I wasn't losing the eggs!
This isn't a recipe of any sort--Just an experiment. And it was okay, very good actually--even though it didn't come out looking like I had envisioned...
Saturday morning breakfast. I love making a giant omelet and then marveling at the calorie value. I used mushrooms, red onions and green peppers--one whole egg and three egg whites for a big, filling breakfast and still, the entire omelet checked in at a low 140. I didn't use cheese this time, that helped keep it low. The green apple and some left over pineapple chunks rounded out this wonderful breakfast!
Friday, January 4, 2013
Each Choice Affects The Next or The Pizza Rules
Each Choice Affects The Next or The Pizza Rules
I've shared about my struggles with sleep apnea and most recently with what seems to be central apnea. I'm learning through trial and error, ways that I can improve my quality of sleep despite the condition. Cutting out caffeine several hours before bed and simple breathing exercises before closing my eyes have helped considerably. Still, occasionally I have a night where I feel little rest. Thursday night was one of those nights. It made for a very challenging Friday. Feeling rested is a critical element to being my best. When I'm exhausted, all I can think about is wanting and needing sleep. In order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget, I have to give extra special effort on a day like this.
I was a big mess after my radio show Friday morning. I sat in the production studio and stared blankly at my list of things I needed to accomplish, then I laid my head down and drifted off for a quick 10 minute nap. If I was to be productive in the least, the nap was necessary. I entertained the idea of going home and sleeping longer; better, then coming back to finish my workday. It was about this time I discovered I had a remote broadcast appearance scheduled from noon to two pm. I needed to make it several more hours before sleep was possible. I hurried home and somehow made myself presentable.
This broadcast came complete with free pizza to anyone and everyone. It was TOUGH. Had I felt better rested I would have had a much easier time resisting the free pizza. Had I planned better by bringing my own lunch, I would have had an easier time. The choices I made in my personal care were now affecting the food choices directly in front of me. I have certain rules about pizza: I don't eat it alone. I only eat thin crust veggie pizza. I don't seek out pizza. I only occasionally eat it as part of a social gathering of some kind. In other words: Devouring a pan pizza while alone in my apartment is NEVER acceptable. However, a piece or two of thin crust veggie among family, friends and/or colleagues, for me, is usually safe. Although I must admit, it's not very satisfying in the "calorie value" department. My best pizza experience is when I make my own low calorie pita pizzas at home. You probably know where I'm going with this...
I grabbed a piece of thin crust pepperoni and picked off the pepperonis. There was nothing even remotely satisfying about this choice. It didn't taste good because instead of fresh veggies it was topped with grease. But the worst part about this choice didn't have anything to do with the taste or calories spent. It was the psychological element of feeling defeated by the attraction, even when it honestly wasn't good.
I walked away from the broadcast analyzing my state of mind and the elements contributing to the choice. I wasn't being hard on myself at all. (I counted the small slice as 250 calories) I was simply acknowledging the influence of my choices going into the broadcast and how it affected my choice during. A few minor changes in preparation and I would have made the kind of choices empowering and propelling me toward success. Had I took the time to at least prepare a baggie of apple slices and baby carrots, enough to hold me over until later, I would have been better equipped to handle the temptation. Had I completely resisted the pizza table, the triumphant feeling of victory would have felt better than any pizza has ever tasted in my life.
It's okay. I'm okay.
I slept beautifully later in the afternoon before jumping up and joining Amber for her 23rd birthday party at her mom's house. I can't believe she's 23. Time passes so quickly.
The party presented more challenges as I relied more on portion control than careful selection. I'm still very much learning how to handle myself at gatherings where I'm not the one preparing the food.
By the time I made it back home I was once again exhausted. It was a very tough day. And the joy I wrote about in the January 3rd post was sacrificed a little bit tonight, as I opted for bed instead of writing and getting a workout complete.
I'm happy with myself though. I'm feeling a peace I haven't felt for some time. I'm confident in my abilities and the road ahead.
I'm okay. And I'm starting to better understand exactly what it means to be "okay."
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
I've shared about my struggles with sleep apnea and most recently with what seems to be central apnea. I'm learning through trial and error, ways that I can improve my quality of sleep despite the condition. Cutting out caffeine several hours before bed and simple breathing exercises before closing my eyes have helped considerably. Still, occasionally I have a night where I feel little rest. Thursday night was one of those nights. It made for a very challenging Friday. Feeling rested is a critical element to being my best. When I'm exhausted, all I can think about is wanting and needing sleep. In order to maintain the integrity of my calorie budget, I have to give extra special effort on a day like this.
I was a big mess after my radio show Friday morning. I sat in the production studio and stared blankly at my list of things I needed to accomplish, then I laid my head down and drifted off for a quick 10 minute nap. If I was to be productive in the least, the nap was necessary. I entertained the idea of going home and sleeping longer; better, then coming back to finish my workday. It was about this time I discovered I had a remote broadcast appearance scheduled from noon to two pm. I needed to make it several more hours before sleep was possible. I hurried home and somehow made myself presentable.
This broadcast came complete with free pizza to anyone and everyone. It was TOUGH. Had I felt better rested I would have had a much easier time resisting the free pizza. Had I planned better by bringing my own lunch, I would have had an easier time. The choices I made in my personal care were now affecting the food choices directly in front of me. I have certain rules about pizza: I don't eat it alone. I only eat thin crust veggie pizza. I don't seek out pizza. I only occasionally eat it as part of a social gathering of some kind. In other words: Devouring a pan pizza while alone in my apartment is NEVER acceptable. However, a piece or two of thin crust veggie among family, friends and/or colleagues, for me, is usually safe. Although I must admit, it's not very satisfying in the "calorie value" department. My best pizza experience is when I make my own low calorie pita pizzas at home. You probably know where I'm going with this...
I grabbed a piece of thin crust pepperoni and picked off the pepperonis. There was nothing even remotely satisfying about this choice. It didn't taste good because instead of fresh veggies it was topped with grease. But the worst part about this choice didn't have anything to do with the taste or calories spent. It was the psychological element of feeling defeated by the attraction, even when it honestly wasn't good.
I walked away from the broadcast analyzing my state of mind and the elements contributing to the choice. I wasn't being hard on myself at all. (I counted the small slice as 250 calories) I was simply acknowledging the influence of my choices going into the broadcast and how it affected my choice during. A few minor changes in preparation and I would have made the kind of choices empowering and propelling me toward success. Had I took the time to at least prepare a baggie of apple slices and baby carrots, enough to hold me over until later, I would have been better equipped to handle the temptation. Had I completely resisted the pizza table, the triumphant feeling of victory would have felt better than any pizza has ever tasted in my life.
It's okay. I'm okay.
I slept beautifully later in the afternoon before jumping up and joining Amber for her 23rd birthday party at her mom's house. I can't believe she's 23. Time passes so quickly.
The party presented more challenges as I relied more on portion control than careful selection. I'm still very much learning how to handle myself at gatherings where I'm not the one preparing the food.
By the time I made it back home I was once again exhausted. It was a very tough day. And the joy I wrote about in the January 3rd post was sacrificed a little bit tonight, as I opted for bed instead of writing and getting a workout complete.
I'm happy with myself though. I'm feeling a peace I haven't felt for some time. I'm confident in my abilities and the road ahead.
I'm okay. And I'm starting to better understand exactly what it means to be "okay."
Thank you for reading. Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A Familiar Feeling
A Familiar Feeling
This feeling is familiar. It's a good feeling. It's familiar because it's the same I felt when I first started losing weight successfully. It makes me smile before I go to sleep and it wakes me with an empowering attitude to do it again and again. This feeling only comes when I can honestly look myself in the mirror and know without doubt, I had a good day with food and exercise.
The element of experience has changed my personal rules and expectations, yet the feeling remains the same. It's the type of joy that transcends temporary negative circumstances while it magnifies my gratitude for the blessings all around me. Sure, I was in tooth pain...didn't matter, still joyous. Sure, my vehicle sits in a parking lot across town in need of repair, waiting for a mechanic to give me the price to ride again...doesn't matter, still joyous. Job stress, financial stress, relationship issues, spirituality challenges, all of these are no match for the joy and gratitude that becomes me when I'm walking the walk I talk.
And when I'm experiencing this feeling, it allows me to envision my spiritual, health, business and personal relationship dreams ten times easier. And you know, if we can see it, we can achieve it. When I first started losing weight I closed my eyes and envisioned my success all the time. There was rarely a day that passed that I didn't turn on the projector in my mind, revealing my ultimate goals in Technicolor-like detail. I honestly didn't do this with intent of it helping me do anything other than become more excited in the moment. I blindly stumbled upon the power of visualization.
I mentioned how my experiences have shaped and changed my personal rules and expectations, here's an example: I made an unexpected trip to one of our sister radio stations this morning. It was approaching 11am when I made the delivery and I was ready to return home. My breakfast was wearing off quickly by this point and I started to ponder my options. I entertained the idea of "grabbing something" in a drive-through. I know from experience that I could have found something to fit into my calorie budget, sure...But my personal rules and expectations have changed.
What was once acceptable for me, isn't anymore. Grabbing some fast food and eating it while driving isn't the quality experience I want. It worked for me before. I stayed within my calorie budget and I exercised, and despite my choices, the weight loss success happened. After watching several documentaries, including my favorite "Hungry For Change," I find myself desiring a cleaner way of eating. I'm not perfect and that's not the pursuit, really. I just want to feel better about my choices by assigning a value that goes beyond the calorie count.
I still stand behind my "nothing is off limits" approach from the early days of my transformation because had I tried to change everything overnight, I would have been overwhelmed quickly, setting myself up for failure. All good things in time. This awakening of late is part of my gradual evolution of good choices. I've said many times, the definition of "good choices" is different for each one of us and it changes as we change; as we evolve.
Social media helped me fight off the temptation of the drive-through today. I immediately sent my challenge out on Twitter with a declaration of resistance. It worked. The accountability factor strengthened my resolve instantly and I confidently drove away from Stillwater without a hand full of drive-through fare. Thank you for your support!
I stopped at a grocery store on my way back into town and grabbed some fresh fruit and some sliced chicken breast. I felt good about my choices. I was victorious. I was joyous.
I had a great workout tonight at the YMCA. Playing racquetball against the wall was reminiscent of my early days. Tackling the elliptical gave me a wonderful reminder of how easily our endurance can fade when we're not active. At one time, an hour on the elliptical wasn't a big deal. Tonight I was hurting at 20 minutes. I'll be back again and again, no worries.
I enjoyed a couple of 93% lean turkey burgers with sliced tomatoes placed atop a Joseph's Pita with mozzarella and a salsa/low fat sour cream sauce for dinner. It was right at 500 calories for the plate. I had planned on sharing the pictures but my time is up!
I'll share some over the next few days.
By the way, I separated my Twitter feed from my facebook. My three pronged social media approach each comes with different content style. I use facebook for "micro-blogging," Twitter for "in the moment" type stuff and this blog for an overview of the experiences and insights along the way.
Getting back to goal is a matter of time. It looks awesome by the way...because I've envisioned it and more.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
This feeling is familiar. It's a good feeling. It's familiar because it's the same I felt when I first started losing weight successfully. It makes me smile before I go to sleep and it wakes me with an empowering attitude to do it again and again. This feeling only comes when I can honestly look myself in the mirror and know without doubt, I had a good day with food and exercise.
The element of experience has changed my personal rules and expectations, yet the feeling remains the same. It's the type of joy that transcends temporary negative circumstances while it magnifies my gratitude for the blessings all around me. Sure, I was in tooth pain...didn't matter, still joyous. Sure, my vehicle sits in a parking lot across town in need of repair, waiting for a mechanic to give me the price to ride again...doesn't matter, still joyous. Job stress, financial stress, relationship issues, spirituality challenges, all of these are no match for the joy and gratitude that becomes me when I'm walking the walk I talk.
And when I'm experiencing this feeling, it allows me to envision my spiritual, health, business and personal relationship dreams ten times easier. And you know, if we can see it, we can achieve it. When I first started losing weight I closed my eyes and envisioned my success all the time. There was rarely a day that passed that I didn't turn on the projector in my mind, revealing my ultimate goals in Technicolor-like detail. I honestly didn't do this with intent of it helping me do anything other than become more excited in the moment. I blindly stumbled upon the power of visualization.
I mentioned how my experiences have shaped and changed my personal rules and expectations, here's an example: I made an unexpected trip to one of our sister radio stations this morning. It was approaching 11am when I made the delivery and I was ready to return home. My breakfast was wearing off quickly by this point and I started to ponder my options. I entertained the idea of "grabbing something" in a drive-through. I know from experience that I could have found something to fit into my calorie budget, sure...But my personal rules and expectations have changed.
What was once acceptable for me, isn't anymore. Grabbing some fast food and eating it while driving isn't the quality experience I want. It worked for me before. I stayed within my calorie budget and I exercised, and despite my choices, the weight loss success happened. After watching several documentaries, including my favorite "Hungry For Change," I find myself desiring a cleaner way of eating. I'm not perfect and that's not the pursuit, really. I just want to feel better about my choices by assigning a value that goes beyond the calorie count.
I still stand behind my "nothing is off limits" approach from the early days of my transformation because had I tried to change everything overnight, I would have been overwhelmed quickly, setting myself up for failure. All good things in time. This awakening of late is part of my gradual evolution of good choices. I've said many times, the definition of "good choices" is different for each one of us and it changes as we change; as we evolve.
Social media helped me fight off the temptation of the drive-through today. I immediately sent my challenge out on Twitter with a declaration of resistance. It worked. The accountability factor strengthened my resolve instantly and I confidently drove away from Stillwater without a hand full of drive-through fare. Thank you for your support!
I stopped at a grocery store on my way back into town and grabbed some fresh fruit and some sliced chicken breast. I felt good about my choices. I was victorious. I was joyous.
I had a great workout tonight at the YMCA. Playing racquetball against the wall was reminiscent of my early days. Tackling the elliptical gave me a wonderful reminder of how easily our endurance can fade when we're not active. At one time, an hour on the elliptical wasn't a big deal. Tonight I was hurting at 20 minutes. I'll be back again and again, no worries.
I enjoyed a couple of 93% lean turkey burgers with sliced tomatoes placed atop a Joseph's Pita with mozzarella and a salsa/low fat sour cream sauce for dinner. It was right at 500 calories for the plate. I had planned on sharing the pictures but my time is up!
I'll share some over the next few days.
By the way, I separated my Twitter feed from my facebook. My three pronged social media approach each comes with different content style. I use facebook for "micro-blogging," Twitter for "in the moment" type stuff and this blog for an overview of the experiences and insights along the way.
Getting back to goal is a matter of time. It looks awesome by the way...because I've envisioned it and more.
Thank you for reading! Goodnight and...
Good Choices,
Sean
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