Not A Meltdown, But Real Close.
There are so many psychological variables that go into staying on track and doing this. When I think back to all of my failed attempts, I'm doing it for the sake of understanding why. Some might say to “never look back.” But I do, because I want to learn. I tried to fully understand it, but I have to say, it's beyond me. How do you lose 115 pounds then gain it all back, when you were almost half way to your goal? I did that in 2004. It's a scary thing for me. It's scary because I know that if you asked me back on Day 82 in 2004 if I could even imagine failing, I would have laughed out loud. I was completely convinced that the time had come once and for all. I'm completely convinced again right here in 2008, so you understand why I try to go back and study what exactly went wrong. The more I break it down, the more I start to think that maybe it's a little deeper than I'm qualified to understand. I worry about that all the time. Do I have a self-destruct mechanism? Some people do. And it's rooted deep in our psychological make up. You know what I'm talking about right? You see it all the time. When someone starts to have success in anything, they find a way to mess it up. Are they afraid of success? Are they punishing themselves for feeling too good? Ya see, it's a twisted little psychological teaser. Any psychiatrist reading this blog? If so, please reply to this blog with answers! When I have a bad day, like day 60, and the other day, it really bothers me. I want this more than anything in the world. I want to be a normal weight for the first time in my life! So why is it so hard some days? I'm on track, it's a nice steady pace, I'll get to where I'm goin' eventually, as long as I can avoid my own self-destructive mechanism. You see perfect examples of this self destructive stuff in the world of professional athletics. It boggles our minds when we hear of an athlete throwing away millions because they can't seem to control their addictions and behaviors. I'm not an athlete, and it might not be millions I'd be throwing away, but to me my loss would be worth more than any pro contract out there. This is my life. And my life effects many people dear to me. That's why I'm doing this so hardcore. It's the most important thing in the world to me and the thought of throwing it all away for some unknown stupid reason scares me to death. And an early death is exactly where it leads if I continue being as big as I was 82 days ago. This is one of those serious editions by the way. I get so much enjoyment out of writing this blog, but I have to admit, when it's a topic like this, and the words flow out on a river of emotion straight from my heart, well, I don't like it! I'm strong! I'm humorous about everything! I can't stand dramatics! I love to laugh, I prefer to laugh instead of facing my number one enemy: Me.
You see, I'm getting ready to go to bed in just a little bit, and I'm going to toss and turn and try to figure out what made me eat 180 calories worth of cheese and crackers, when I knew I was already at the limit. It wasn't an accident. I knew the moment I opened the fridge that my eating for the day was over. And for the first time in 82 days, I didn't stop myself cold. I know that it isn't going to make a difference come weigh day. I know that really, it wasn't that big of a deal. But it is to me. And I would understand it better had this been a bad day, it wasn't! It was a pretty good day. For whatever reason I let my guard down tonight. I'm really mad at myself. I know I'm not perfect, I've never claimed to be, but my rules for this mission mustn't ever be compromised. I'm going to do my best to put this behind me. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying 180 calories worth of cheese and crackers is “self destructing”, it's not at all. It just puzzles me. I wasn't hungry! I just thought it would taste good. Well, it wasn't good enough to go over my calories. They don't make a cheese that good.
I'm not letting this minor lapse throw me. I've done that many times before. A little slip and bam---I'm done. No way! Not this time. The next few days are critical. I'm going to put this overage behind me and move forward. But my guard will be much higher, my steps more clearly defined, and my resolve over everything critical to this mission will be stronger.
It wasn't even good cheese and crackers! It was American singles and saltines! Goodness gracious! And as my late grandfather would say... “Well good night!” and...