Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Day 93 Looking Back Like A Student, Looking Forward Like A Champion

Day 93

Looking Back Like A Student, Looking Forward Like A Champion

I watched the last fifteen minutes of NBC's Biggest Loser at the YMCA while I kept a steady pace of 3.4mph on the trusty treadmill. That's the most I've watched that program the entire season. I was watching without sound because I forgot my headphones. The kind of workouts they were showing in those montage segments are the kind I eventually want to do. I noticed the guy on there started at, oh I forget, I think 336 or something like that. I'm still almost 100 pounds more than that, so I feel like I have to work my way up to that level. Although some days I really feel like I could do that level now, I know it might not be smart just yet. The guy on there looked really good after losing over 40% of his body weight. That really is a great show. I haven't watched because I just don't watch that much TV anymore. I don't play that much poker anymore either. I haven't really made a point of cutting down on those things, they've just naturally taken a back seat to working out, writing, and losing weight everyday. It's like the moment I really, honestly, 100% committed to this journey, everything kind of fell into it's place. My priorities re-aligned themselves without much effort. That's how I measure my commitment to this mission. My commitment to losing weight and writing about it along the way was so strong, that nothing has stood a chance at getting in it's way. I still watch a little TV from time to time and I still play a poker tournament on-line every now and then on a weekend, but nothing like I was doing before. This mission I accepted on September 15th is a very demanding one. It's too easy to slip and let it go. I knew that in order to see this all the way through to the end I had to commit in every way. Still, after 93 days, I get tested, I get lazy, I get rebellious. But no matter how I feel, I always swing myself back around to the challenge at hand. In the beginning it was harder to fight my naturally bad habits, now it's still tough sometimes, but I have results to back up my determination. In the beginning all I had was my hopes, now I can actually say... “I can wear that seatbelt” “I can wear those pants” “ I can shop that entire store and not get out of breath even once.” I can see and feel a new version of me emerging. And I welcome this new and improved Sean.

I can hardly find words to describe how it feels to be on day 93. Had I not made it past day 20, I would've been looking at the calender all depressed and telling myself... “wow, you would have been on day 93 by now.” I've done that so many times, only if you've done that too can you know what I'm talking about. It's a horrible feeling that I refuse to ever experience again. I remember thinking on New Years Eve 2005 about this. I thought about how different things would have been at that moment had I just stayed with the 2004 attempt. I would have started 2006 a completely different looking and feeling person. Why it took another almost three years to come back around, I don't know. That's one for a psychiatrist to decode. I have my theories and philosophies on the why and how I've done the things I've done to myself, but I'm not a doctor. If you're trying to lose weight too, re-read this paragraph. You never want this to happen to you again. You never want to look at a calender and realize where you could have been by now. It's a wonderful way to help keep yourself on track.

I didn't even notice that yesterday was my three month anniversary! I'm so glad I didn't put it off until after the New Year celebration. I really thought about that back then. You know why? The holidays. I didn't know if it was a good idea to start right before the biggest eating season of the year. But, I just felt that I didn't have time to wait any longer. I was quickly approaching dire consequences, the kind I had always feared, but still felt was too far away to worry about. I suddenly felt like my time was up. I really felt like it was too late. That's a very scary thing to contemplate. Did I wait too long? Horrible thing to think. I knew that I had to turn it on and rev it up all the way right then and there. I remember praying that I'd be given enough time to reclaim my health and live again. I may be only about 30% of the way so far, but I already feel like that prayer has been answered. It really feels like that big of difference on my body. I can't remember anytime recently of having a “scary moment.” Like feeling a strange pain in my chest, or being so out of breath from walking through a parking lot that I felt like I was going to collapse. I was experiencing those things all the time 94 days ago. Now my addictive personality is clinging onto this new feeling of success and accomplishment, and I want more and more!

Someone asked me again the other day why I don't list more of what I eat and what I do in my workouts. It's simple really. For the most part this blog is about me confronting my day to day feelings as I do this. It's about understanding my behaviors, past and present. It's about getting to know myself better by writing out how I really feel. The plan right now is simple: 1500 calories a day and exercise. I stick to that. When I slip, I confess right here in these writings. When I'm particularly proud of how I handled a food challenge that day, I describe what I had and how I handled it. When I notice some amazing progress in my workouts I can't keep from sharing that information. So why don't I just make this a simple laundry list of intake vs. physical output? Because losing weight, getting in shape, and keeping it off starts in our heads. Believing we can do it starts in our heads. Understanding what has derailed past attempts and what can propel future success and how it feels along the way to be successful is so much more important, interesting, and motivating to me. I'm not saying that this is the absolute right way. But it's right for me. Because when I look at the calender now, I think about where I'm headed, not about where I could've been. Thank you for reading my daily blog. Good night and...

Good Choices,

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