Every Message Is Important and Let's Have A Talk My Friend
Over the last week, I've received hundreds of messages from all over the world. Some simply say "congratulations," others tell me about their success story, and then there are some that hit me hard---right in the heart. Every message, every e-mail, every comment---they're very important to me, and I want you to know that. I've had to forgive myself for not being able to personally respond to every single one in a timely manner, like I've done throughout this journey. I've never had to worry about this, and trust me--I'm not complaining, I'm just stressing out...filled with anxiety, because I feel like I owe you for all the wonderful support you give me. Please don't ever stop sending them, just give me your patience---and I'll do my best. That's all I can do.
The main purpose of this blog was and still is, to keep me accountable and on track, to help me fully understand my addiction to food, and to help me dig deep--in a quest to unravel the secret of successful weight loss. It's job, this blog, was and still is, to help me understand the mental aspects and help me uncover the emotional and deeply personal issues that I've allowed to hold me back. This blog has also taught me where I always went wrong in my repeated attempts to lose weight over the years. This blog is extremely important to me. Yes, I've invested a bunch of time in writing...anywhere from one to three hours a day, everyday of this journey---but really...think about the transformation---and I'm not talking about the physical, I'm talking about the "inside" stuff. When I think about the positive effect these writings have had on me---there's no question, it's been worth every minute of my time.
As I write this Wednesday edition, it's actually late Thursday night. This is officially the latest I've ever posted, but I got busy...it happens, especially these days. I feel anxiety when I'm late with a post, I do. I think of the people that tell me they read everyday and how much they look forward to reading---and I imagine what they're thinking...Sean's late! What's the deal? The reality is far different than my anxiety filled perception would have me believe---and then I calm myself by remembering...As much as I love it when someone tells me how this blog has helped them, it's still for me. I write for me---it's what I need, and I hope you write that way as well. It's self-therapy my friend. Even if you don't publish it on the world wide web---just write it out, get it out of you---and learn from what you find. This blog had less than 10 followers well past day 200---and I'm proud to say, the content and intent hasn't changed---and it will never change. Well--maybe it will change a little when we get into maintenance mode---maybe every other day, like three times a week...so I can focus on writing another project. ;)
I mentioned that I've received some heartbreaking emails sent to my personal inbox --firstname.lastname@example.org and messages via facebook from people who are feeling horribly lost along this road. If that's you, I want you to allow me to talk directly to you for a moment. I know, I know---I write a paragraph about how this blog is written for me---then I address you directly like that...well, I can't help but share...it's just me. But realize---it also helps me.
And sharing and trying to help makes me feel incredible, so again---it's for me in that way too. Are you ready my friend? Ok...here we go---The following is an excerpt from Day 192 in March of 2009. It was inspired by a nice lady who approached me about a loved one of hers that she was hoping I could reach. We all know that ultimately it must come from within each of us---but when she told me about sharing this blog address with him---I decided to write this. You may not weigh 500 pounds, but that doesn't matter--it's all relative...the same ideas and fundamental principals apply regardless of your starting weight:
I don't know your name, what you look like, or anything about you other than a couple of clues I've been given. I know that you're right around 500 pounds and I know that you have loved ones that care deeply about you. That's all I know for certain about you. But I'll take it a little deeper. I was over 500 pounds for years, so I can safely assume that perhaps you're feeling some of the emotions that became a fixed part of my life for so long.
You might feel completely hopeless, I did. You might feel like you're out of control, I did. You probably turn to food when you're stressed, scared, sad, happy, it doesn't matter the occasion or emotion huh? Yep, me too. It's hard to get around isn't it? A short walk can feel suffocating, I know. Maybe you feel like your weight has started chipping away at your personal relationships, I know I did. Are you scared of dying like I was every single day? Be honest, when a little twinge of pain crosses your chest do you start praying it's anything but what you fear the most? I sure did. Is your wardrobe severely limited because of your size? Mine was. I once wore the same pair of pants every day for six months straight, washing it every couple of days, just because it was the only pair that fit, and driving to OKC or Tulsa to buy more was too inconvenient.
When you get scared for your life, do you feel like you're in a non-stop self-destructive cycle? Please say you haven't given up. I never did. Listen, I knew that if I kept going I would die very soon. Only God knows how soon, but soon for certain. I also knew that I had to be the one to stop the endless cycle. I had to get very honest and very serious with myself. You're not hopeless and you can do this. I'm not special, I don't have any kind of secret potion, I'm not perfect in any way. I'm just a guy who knew that if I really wanted to live, and I mean really live, I had to do something now. I'd argue that I'm no different than you my friend. 192 days ago I reached my limit. My world was becoming unraveled, my weight was doing it's best to crush me and any sliver of hope I may have had for the future. Can you relate? I bet you can.
I'm here to tell you that you can reclaim your life. You have the power within you to do amazing things, and grabbing control of your weight is just the beginning. But how? I'm not going to say that my way is right or wrong, bad or good. It's what I did. I immediately started eating 1,500 calories a day and exercising however I could, and trust me, it wasn't much, but remember, anything is better than nothing. And you'll be amazed at how far you'll progress along the way if you stay consistent. Read the labels, buy a calorie book, look calories up on the Internet. All the information you need is out there. Even before you do that, it's very important to sit down and have a long internal discussion with yourself. Write down what you want out of life. Dream a little! Get it on paper or on a computer screen, whatever, just write.
Form your motivating thoughts and hold onto them tight, you're gonna need them to get through this. Make your motivating thoughts one of the most important things you think about daily. Then DECIDE that you will defend the pursuit of those desires every waking minute. DECIDE to live, DECIDE to change, DECIDE to once and for all take a stand for yourself. Stand up and demand respect from the one that has given you the least, and that's you. DECIDE that it isn't going to end this way, obesity is no longer in charge of your destiny, you are. BELIEVE you have the power to render powerless every hang up that stopped you before, because YOU DO. DECIDE that no matter the struggles in your day to day life, one thing will never be compromised, and that's your commitment to this journey.
Don't do what I did for years, I don't know you , maybe you've done it for years too...Don't lie to yourself. Don't assume you have time to worry about it later. DECIDE to do it NOW and leave the worry behind. I'm right at about half way through my journey, and I've never been happier. That happiness I speak of comes from hope that I never had before. That happiness exist regardless of my current circumstances. Regardless of the stress level from whatever it is that's stressing us out, that happiness and hope remains and carries us through. DECIDE that you're worth it, because YOU ARE. DECIDE to LOVE YOURSELF enough to make the changes that will set you free. Listen, I've never been one for dramatics, and I know this page is full of dramatics, but please know that it comes from a very sincere place. I wish you could take my place and feel what I'm feeling. Please go back in the archives and read from day 1. Every day is indexed on the left hand side of the page.
A long post--and I haven't recounted a single happening from today. I'll make it quick...My food was excellent today. I packed the ingredients needed to make the best chicken pita pizza ever--and for only 220 calories, it was an amazingly great calorie value---perfect lunch really.
My long day segued right into a wonderful evening of play rehearsal for "Wanda's Visit." I hope to be able to post some stills from this production real soon. If you're in the Oklahoma area, you can see this production on Monday evening the 26th of July at 7:30pm at the historic Poncan Theatre. We'll also have a performance at the state theater festival in Norman on the 30th. Both performances are open and available to the public. The Poncan performance is free---the state festival performance is fifteen bucks, I'm pretty sure.
The water challenge has been amazing for me. I feel better than I have in a very long time! And wow, I must say---I feel smaller. Less water retention? Increased weight loss? Who knows---drinking enough water can do amazing things. And it is! Kenz and I welcome your PEWC story---tell us how it's helped you and send in your water picture---we want to share it here and on Kenz's blog.
Thank you for reading. No pictures this time--but look for a bunch, and I mean---a bunch with tomorrow's edition. Goodnight and...