Sunday, November 30, 2014

November 30th, 2014 PJ's Insight Clicks

November 30th, 2014 PJ's Insight Clicks

PJ Geek provided some wonderful insight into what may have triggered yesterday's struggle. She writes in her comment:

 "This may sound weird but I'm pretty sure there is some scientific truth to it. My therapists and I explored this , so I will give you the benefit of a few hours of therapy I've had. I like to go to casinos (strictly small time slots but also roulette in the old days) but don't go to casinos but maybe once a year. That is a good thing. I think the part of the brain triggered by gambling -even gambling for charity- is the same part of the brain that gets triggered with compulsive food behaviors. I'm not sure what came first the gambling or the food thoughts, so I could be wrong. But just wanted to put this out there for future reference."
I honestly didn't think about this being the connection, but it makes perfect sense. The gambling came first and even though it was for charity, the highs and lows of it all where still present--and just enough to awaken that side of my brain that says give me more!! I couldn't identify exactly why I was feeling weak with struggle and then I read her comment and it clicked. Sometimes the most obvious answer is the hardest to recognize! Thank you, PJ, for adjusting my perspective! PJ Geek has a wonderful blog, too! Give her a visit here.

I made it through yesterday by reaching out for some much needed spot support and by evening I was feeling perfectly fine again. I slept exceptionally well for nearly nine hours last night. I awoke today feeling confident and on solid ground.

I prepared a good breakfast and made plans for a great workout followed by lunch and a movie out with my oldest daughter and her fiance. I finished up my workout at the YMCA this afternoon with twenty minutes to spare before they were scheduled to pick me up for the outing. I raced home, showered, shaved and got dressed in under 15 minutes. I was moving!

I've been reading the owners manual for my NordicFlex and tonight I started using it. Literally every muscle in the body can be worked with this machine. I'm not sure this machine is the best option for me right now. That's too bad, because it's in my spare bedroom--and that's convenient. I may start with the weights at the YMCA instead. Mainly because I need to build up my right arm strength to match my left.

My right arm is different from my left because it was broken when I was born--and it healed back incorrectly. The arm is shorter than my left and isn't as flexible. I've naturally used it much less than my left over the years, so naturally there's always been a major imbalance. I've been told over and over that this will correct with time and to use the same weight on both arms until the right naturally catches up. It's only something I'll fully get when I do it, kind of like how I always heard what a difference maker cutting out sugar could be--but wasn't fully convinced it was for me until I honestly tried--and then I was a 1000% believer.

My resistance to a committed weight training regimen is rooted in this "weak-side" issue. It truly isn't just my arm--it's my entire right side from head to toe. My arm limitations kept me from actively using it--and that meant I wasn't moving that side of my body as much--so you can see how this has grown into a bigger issue. Overcoming this hangup I have and succeeding with weight training will be another big transformative experience, I'm sure.

I prepared a fantastic dinner tonight followed by some homemade sugar free cookies for dessert. I received the recipe in my email recently. I modified it slightly because I couldn't find sugar free chocolate chips. Instead, I used whole grain quick oats, a ripe banana, cinnamon and a 1/4 cup unsweetened cashew milk. I baked four fairly good size sugar free cookies. I had three as a dessert for 210 calories! They were pretty good. I'll likely leave out the cashew milk next time and allow them to get crispier.

My Tweets today:




















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 12 comments:

Saturday, November 29, 2014

November 29th, 2014 Slightly Off Center

November 29th, 2014 Slightly Off Center

I felt good this morning. I was scheduled to play in a big blackjack tournament for charity. I really wanted to do well for the charity I chose, the local domestic violence shelter, but it was not to be! I lost on a bad run of cards where the dealer hit blackjack three out of six hands. The casino sponsoring the event was to match whatever I won and the plan was to present the money raised to the charity on the air Tuesday morning.

The casino agreed to make a donation despite my horrible tournament demise--so the presentation will happen as planned on Tuesday, although the check will not be as big as it could have been had I not played so aggressively! I was going for it!! It wasn't typical blackjack strategy--it was tournament strategy, a little different. I say that like I'm a seasoned pro--this was actually my first tournament. If a chance to play for charity comes up again, I'll do it! It was fun.

The casino bought my lunch and gave me a fancy wine cork as a parting gift (I've already re-gifted the wine cork).  I ordered almost the same as when I attended the TG Sheppard event at the same place. Sirloin steak, fruit and cottage cheese--and this time, a side of mushrooms.

I was disappointed in not winning or at least placing in the tournament, but not to the degree of it affecting me emotionally. But for some strange reason...

I had some serious struggle this afternoon. I had some errant food thoughts outside of what I know is right and good. The key to getting past these occasional thoughts is to get them out and in the open as quickly as possible. I know myself well enough to know, that if I keep them to myself, they'll keep at me, chipping away at my resolve. 

I've learned to "tell on 'em." So, I did just that. I composed it in a text and fired it off to Life Coach Gerri. As soon as I hit the send button--those thoughts are no longer exclusively in my head. They become "exposed." And it diminishes their power considerably. Gerri replied, we exchanged thoughts and support for one another, then I prepared a really good dinner. I was back in the proper mindset, thank goodness.

This struggle today was almost as if I had ingested some sugar inadvertently. I went back over everything I had consumed in the last couple of days and I couldn't find anything. I finally concluded it was purely emotional. Being upset emotionally--even when it isn't anything major, can create an imbalance just enough--to set things on tilt, or slightly off center. 

It IS NOT EASY to step outside of these things and evaluate instead of acting first and evaluating later. It is not natural for me to do this at all. I know when I'm feeling weak and at risk and it's at this intersection where I must decide: Do I turn left and make choices that could possibly be devastating?Or do I turn right and reach out for support? I know I don't want devastating, so I better reach out for help.

Having these occasional struggles can be scary and exhausting. Suddenly, you start doubting everything and then it gets really easy to turn it into very negative thoughts about what you're doing and how you're doing it. I believe the important thing to remember is to do the best you can and allow it to be good enough without the self-abrasive and abusive thinking. None of us are perfect and we don't have to be perfect--I wouldn't want to be perfect, that's too much pressure! Self-compassion is important.

After dinner and into the evening after my text correspondence with Gerri, I felt strong again. I still ended up taking a day off from working out--even though that wasn't part of my plan today, but it's fine. I'm good. My main concern today was simply staying "food sober," and that means staying within the boundaries of my food plan, maintaining the integrity of each element. I did that. Today was a success when it could have easily been a disaster. Yay. 

My Tweets Today:












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 10 comments:

Friday, November 28, 2014

November 28th, 2014 Tweets Only

November 28th, 2014 Tweets Only

I've had a very good day today. Tired tonight, so I'm letting the Tweets handle the blog.

My Tweets Today:














Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 10 comments:

Thursday, November 27, 2014

November 27th, 2014 Thanksgiving Day Edition

November 27th, 2014 Thanksgiving Day Edition

My Thanksgiving started off horribly wrong and finished fantastic. It all started with me falling asleep while attempting to watch a Woody Allen film. It wasn't anything against Woody Allen--great film, I was just tired. (Woody, on the one in a billion chance you're reading this--please don't take it personal. I know you're a very neurotic person--and likely taking it that way. You probably want to know the name of the film and the scene in which I started to drift. How could this scene have kept my attention better? Stop. It wasn't your film. I was too tired to start any movie to begin with).

I woke up right after 2am, realized what I had done and immediately got to work on the blog, posted, then dropped in bed. I wasn't feeling well. Something about my late dinner at the Mexican restaurant didn't hit my stomach right, because I was sick enough to stay awake until after 5am, then was up right before 9am to get ready for Thanksgiving festivities. I seemed to recover quickly and by 11am I felt really well.

Thanksgiving was headquartered at Irene and Allen's house. Irene is my ex-wife and the mother of our daughters. If you think it's strange or awkward to spend Thanksgiving there, I assure you, it isn't. Irene and I have an amazing post-divorce relationship (it's been 4 1/2 years since our divorce). It's a relationship grounded in love and understanding, respect and consideration, it's just nice. Everyone made the trip to their small town about 20 miles away from where I live.

I tweeted an #offspringselfie of my daughters, grandson Noah and me (see below) and then I found this one. I like it even more because Noah's face is a glow from the phone in front of his face.
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I'm truly blessed in so many ways and absolutely had many things to be thankful for today!

I make killer mac and cheese, literally--it's so rich, if eaten regularly, I believe it could kill. I refuse to prepare it but once a year. Today was the day. I was fully prepared to enjoy a serving or two and that's exactly what I did.

One of the elements to my plan was to chew gum while cooking. I arrived and realized I forgot my gum. Amber saved the day with her Trident! I'll admit it, I'm a picker and a taster--so if I'm not chewing gum, I'm very likely tasting away--and the calories could add up quickly. Since I've committed to my accountability system, it would be very inconvenient to pick and taste, but first photograph--log the taste in MFP and tweet the picture and calorie count.

This extreme level of accountability might seem obsessive and over the top--but let me tell you, it's done wonders for me. It's dramatically improved my relationship with food and oh my--the consistency required for such a commitment has given me outstanding results. It isn't for everybody--and isn't necessary for everyone, at all.

The level of this accountability element is indicative of just how far out of control I had become in my relapse and regain. In order to recover, I had to get extreme. And it's the 2nd best decision I've made in the last 8 months. Number one being my abstinence from sugar. 

Aside from the heavy duty gluten free mac and cheese calorie bomb I dropped on everyone today, I also brought sugar free dinner rolls and a sugar free peach pie. Both sugar free items were prepared with stevia. Everyone was intrigued by the 27 calorie rolls. 27 calories!!! No kidding! And everyone agreed they were excellent. I was the only one to eat from the peach pie. I sent the rest of the rolls and peach pie home with mom and my uncle Keith. I was offered leftovers but quickly and firmly declined, especially concerning the mac and cheese. It was delicious and in all, I invested 569 calories in mac and cheese today. That's over 25% of what I consumed all day! Yeah--keep it, please!! It's not coming home with me!! I can wait another year to enjoy it again.

My plan included allowing an extra 1,000 calories if needed. I only used an extra 262 calories. I promised myself I wouldn't "stuff for sport" today. I would eat reasonably and be well, focusing my attention on the family and visiting instead of focusing on the eating and eating some more. My brain just couldn't accept a "free for all" day. It just wasn't happening. It wasn't necessary. I didn't feel one bit deprived today. I ate well and plenty. Tonight, I don't feel an uncomfortable fullness. I feel a reasonable one. 

I will say this--I consumed a lot of stuff my body isn't accustomed to me eating anymore and I could tell the difference in how I felt! It was clear that today wasn't my normal type and style of food and it was fascinating to me how my body reacted to the difference.

I enjoyed some nice text support correspondence with group members in the weight loss support group I co-facilitate with Life Coach Gerri Helms . The interesting thing is, helping others, HELPS ME. This was a big day and almost the entire group was active and supportive of one another. From my perspective, it was a smashing success! 

I had a very active day in the exercise department. Shortly before 5pm, I set out walking along the streets of Blackwell, Oklahoma. I wasn't on a trail, so it was a timed brisk walk. Normally I turn up my music and go, but Uncle Keith wanted to join me for a walk n visit as we've done on previous Thanksgivings since 2008. I still made sure to keep a brisk pace and we both agreed it was a very good burn. Fitbit gave me an additional 380 calorie burn on top of the 283 calorie burn from the walk, giving me a total calorie adjustment of 663 calories. With my 1,962 consumed, my net after exercise was 1,299. That's a great day for me.  

This was my first sugar free Thanksgiving. I'm convinced, the only reason I didn't take full advantage of the extra 1,000 calories today, was because my brain wasn't chasing the sugar high. I've been off the stuff long enough to clearly recognize the peace and calm my abstinence allows. It was peaceful, it was perfect, it was beautiful in so many ways.

Thanksgiving Live-Tweets:
































Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Wednesday, November 26, 2014

November 26th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

November 26th, 2014 Weigh Day Edition

I always text a support buddy before making the short trip across town to the doctors office on weigh day. I'm well aware of what the scale can do to our emotions. The support text is simply a precaution, just in case I need some grounded perspective. All of the weigh days in the last 31 weeks have been incredible. I've been waiting on the natural slow down to start and it may have started with this one. I'm thrilled with the number, don't get me wrong, I'm just saying the days of 9 and 11 pound losses might be behind me. It's normal, less to lose=losing slower.
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This number represents a 5 pound loss over the last three weeks and it brings the total to 110 pounds in the previous 31 weeks!!

I decided today would be my rest day. I'll be doing a Thanksgiving Day 5K tomorrow.

I took some time to visit over dinner this evening with a former colleague and friend who's in town for the holiday. He mentioned the Woody Allen movie Zelig and how it was a good representation of his life--so I found it on Netflix and decided to do something I rarely take the time to do: Sit down and enjoy a movie from the comfort of my recliner. Bad idea. My recliner is comfy. I fell asleep and now it's after 2am and I'm trying my best not to wake up too much, so I can get back to sleep. I'll finish that movie sometime over this long weekend.

I have my Thanksgiving plan firmly in place. My list: No sugar. An extra 1,000 calories if needed. Chewing gum while cooking. A good 5K brisk walk is a must! Logging everything in MFP and maintaining my photo/calorie tweets throughout the day. If I do this list--I will feel great about Thanksgiving.

I will remember: The most important part of Thanksgiving isn't the food, it's the family. It's about giving thanks for our many blessings. I'm very grateful!

My Tweets Today:














Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 8 comments:

Tuesday, November 25, 2014

November 25th, 2014 Never Immune

November 25th, 2014 Never Immune

This journey we're on and how we relate, it's powerful. As different as we may very well be, we're also very much the same, just at different points along our trek. When I read a blog of a friend and they're describing extremely difficult struggle, it takes me back there--right there, when and where it all seemed out of sorts. 

I've read a few blogs lately, so well describing the deepest, darkest struggle and I realize, I could have written it almost word for word not too long ago. Different points along the trek, indeed. Maybe they'll read mine and if so, I hope they gain hope and believe all is not lost; there is such a thing as a dramatic turnaround. I read theirs, occasionally offer some words of encouragement as best I know how (sometimes I don't know how) and leave with a powerful reminder that I'm never too far removed, I'm never immune--I'm just like them, traveling the same road, at a different place.

In one way, I'm not like them. They're better than me in the courage department.

I admire the courage, the raw bravery to bare it all right in the middle of the deepest struggle. I can't say I ever did--not at the worst of it. Oh sure, I would occasionally post lengthy pages about how I was going to recover from wherever I was--but I always tried my best to be as positive as I could be--call it what it was, false enthusiasm--not deliberate dishonesty, more of trying to convince myself I could turn it around and knowing a negative perspective wouldn't help me. No amount of positive attitude worked, until one day, it did.

I wish I could pinpoint the exact element contributing to the turnaround, I've tried--and I can't seem to put it into words. We want to help our friends who are struggling, we want to say the right things, but sometimes all we can do is let them know we're here and we understand, and it can change. It can get better.

---------------------
Today was a fairly decent day, right solid I would venture. I loved the food and had a blast at the YMCA this afternoon. I'm proud of myself for not waiting until late to workout. I finished by 5:20pm with enough time to get home and prepare dinner before my weekly weight loss support group call.

The sugar free items I ordered for Thanksgiving were delivered today (see the tweet pics below). I'm ready for a wonderful Thanksgiving. I'll focus on family and the fundamentals of my plan--and that includes, at the very minimum, a brisk 5K walk, tracking everything just like any other day, NO sugar, picture and calorie Tweets--and I'll do it all with plenty of extra calories (1,000) just in case. As long as I maintain the integrity of my plan, I will guarantee a great feeling come bedtime Thursday night.

I had an online chat tonight with the director of the play for which I didn't audition. Chris is the only director I've ever worked with (two different projects). He basically told me I would have had a role had I walked through the door. Uhg!!! He also seemed to understand where I was with it all. It's just not good timing. The great news is, he has an incredible cast and he's very excited about bringing it all together and I'm really excited to see it in mid-January!

Tomorrow morning is weigh day at the doctors office! This will be my 31 week weigh-in! I can't believe it's been 31 weeks since changing direction. Time flies, doesn't it?

My Tweets today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 16 comments:

Monday, November 24, 2014

November 24th, 2014 Different Kind of Struggle

November 24th, 2014 Different Kind of Struggle

I struggled today. Not with food and exercise, though. I struggled with my desire to express my artistic side Vs. the reality that I have a busy full time career and two projects I'm extremely passionate about that need my attention. The auditions taking place tonight and tomorrow evening were heavy on my mind.

I've always wanted to act, and I had the opportunity when I landed a lead role in Call Me Henry after my first audition in 2009. It was a wonderful experience. It was a heavily dramatic role, opposite my natural personality, in other words, it was a lot of fun!

All day long I wrestled with this desire to audition, but also knowing it's the worst possible time of year for me.

See? This is what happens. When I feel better mentally, emotionally and physically--I start wanting to do things--everything I felt I couldn't before, suddenly I feel like I could do it all. And it isn't such a bad thing if it's tempered with reason and sanity. I need an outlet for the creative arts side of me to flourish, certainly. It's all apart of identifying things inside that bring us joy--and nurturing those things. I've identified several, I need to find the time to nurture. It's a crucial element of happiness.

I should have a date for a stand-up performance as early as tomorrow. I ended up cancelling the last one because I had too much going on. Perhaps I'll start with that and it will be enough for now.

Even though there was struggle present, I didn't allow it to affect my resolve in taking extraordinary care. I ate well today and had a great workout, too.

In order to get my brain off of the auditions, I packed some snacks and watched a movie at the theater two blocks from my apartment. Hunger Games Mockingjay was a great movie! Tomorrow night I'll be busy with the weekly weight loss support group conference call during the final auditions. Perhaps another time. If it were January or February, I would have auditioned. I'm itching to be in a production again!

My Tweets today:


















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 12 comments:

Sunday, November 23, 2014

November 23rd, 2014 I Would Love To Try

November 23rd, 2014 I Would Love To Try

I slept in really well today, although I used too much pillow. Using too much pillow can result in lesser quality sleep for me. I woke up with a headache and these days, that's very rare. A few ibuprofen and some deep breathing exercises later, and I was fine.

I enjoyed Angel Street, a live theatrical production this afternoon. It was a very enjoyable experience and it has me wanting to audition again soon.  How convenient--Auditions for Don't Dress For Dinner are tomorrow and Tuesday night. Uhg!!

I want to act in a stage production again, so much--but it takes an incredible amount of time and commitment, and honestly--I'm not sure I could do it again, at least not right now with my busy schedule. And since this is the busiest time of year for my profession, it would be a stretch to think I could pull it off. But oh, how I would love to try!

I packed my workout clothes in the car for a YMCA trip immediately after the play. It was almost 5pm when I finally pulled into the Y--and that's when I realized how hungry I was feeling. Getting up as late as I did meant a big brunch but nothing since. I decided to make a fast trip to the convenience store on the corner for something to hold me until dinner. I found a pack of almonds, pistachios and peanuts, a cheese stick and a banana. I took my 395 calorie late lunch inside the Y, sat down and enjoyed it before changing for my workout.

I turned the resistance up to 13 on the elliptical. It was a very good workout! I feel myself getting stronger. The 1 minute jog last night was an eye opening experience, too. I'm proving to myself that I can do much more than I'm doing. It's a matter of breaking out of the comfort zone and pushing just a touch harder.

I did some grocery shopping tonight. I wanted some baked chicken drumsticks. Then I had a flash--BBQ chicken!!! I made my way over to the BBQ sauce isle not expecting to find a single sauce sugar free. I picked up several bottles before I came across the only sugar free BBQ sauce on the shelf. I was thrilled! I turned it over, read the ingredients--and yes, indeed--it's BBQ chicken for me tonight! Sometimes I get really excited while grocery shopping.

When I scanned the bar code of the sauce for entry into MyFitnessPal, it came up Paula Dean Sugar Free BBQ sauce, instead of the brand on the label. I'm assuming it's a shared sauce-Like Paula and G. Hughes made an agreement with a manufacturer to bottle the same sauce with their faces on the label. You think it's different sauce, but it isn't. I could be totally wrong on that--Just my theory.

Last night I briefly mentioned possibly adding 1,000 calories to my budget for Thanksgiving and Christmas. This has been my strategy since I started losing weight in 2008. However, this will be the first sugar free holiday season for me! There are some solid rules/boundaries I keep with this extra 1,000. I will track the calories and entries on MyFitnessPal--and of course everything will be photographed and tweeted. If I'm satisfied, I'll not stuff myself for sport. There's a chance I may not use all 2700 calories on Thanksgiving day--and it's okay to NOT...In other words, I don't plan on adding things late just because "I have it coming!!" The extra 1,000 will be in place in case it's needed and considering I'll be cooking a homemade gluten free mac and cheese with real butter, cream and full fat cheese--yeah, I might need a few extra calories. Under no circumstances will I sacrifice the integrity of my abstinence from sugar.

My Tweets today:


















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 10 comments:

Saturday, November 22, 2014

November 22nd, 2014 A Powerless Pizza

November 22nd, 2014 A Powerless Pizza

I had a location broadcast today from a car dealership. The dealership ordered a bunch of pizzas for everyone. I can honestly say, it wasn't even the slightest bit tempting. I didn't have anything with me, but I enjoyed a fairly late breakfast. I was confident I could hold on until the three hour broadcast concluded. It was interesting how the pizza didn't seem to phase me. Not knowing what was in it was the biggest factor. Sugar in the dough and sauce? Maybe! Not knowing for certain immediately disqualified it as something I might want. A powerless pizza is a pretty big deal for me. Now, if I enjoy pizza, it's either homemade or a thin crust gluten free veggie pizza like the one I enjoyed a week ago.

My abstinence from sugar has given me a peace and calm that is beyond anything I've ever experienced in my 43 year relationship with food. I've written these words a bunch in the last seven plus months, but I'm just so incredibly thrilled--it's worth repeating.

I opted for a workout at the trail instead of the Y today. It turned out to be a very good workout. The highlight for me was lightly jogging for sixty seconds straight. I may have done this before, but this is the first time I've actually timed it. I'm still getting a pain on the top outer part of my right foot, every time I push myself in this way. I'm not sure what it is, really. I also planned to do some living room strength training exercises too, but didn't.

I wrapped my dinner in baking foil and put it all in the oven to cook while I did my exercise at the trail. Bad idea. I over-cooked my fish. It was still decent. It turned what would have been a 9oz portion into 7oz, since a couple ounces were left stuck to the foil. I made the best of the dinner and I really enjoyed the chopped and roasted veggies. I was missing the asparagus. Apparently I took it to work and left it in the studio fridge.

We're getting into Thanksgiving week!! I still haven't decided if I'll add 1,000 calories to my budget that day or not. I have done this in years past for Thanksgiving and Christmas. If I do, I'll maintain my abstinence from sugar, of course! In fact, I've ordered a sugar free peach pie made with stevia!

Wednesday is weigh day at my doctors office. I've already made sure their office will be open that morning for the tri-weekly weigh-in.

My Tweets today:






















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 11 comments:

Friday, November 21, 2014

November 21st, 2014 A Well Rested and Fun Friday

November 21st, 2014 A Well Rested and Fun Friday

I was asleep before 9:30pm Thursday night. I woke up at 4:30am feeling truly rested and ready for a productive Friday. As much as my schedule is a mess sometimes, with crazy hours and little sleep, I must acknowledge it is that way because I choose to make it that way. It all comes down to the importance level assigned to whatever element we're discussing. If it's my abstinence from sugar--then it's no exceptions, non-negotiable--24/7/365. If I placed that same importance level on getting enough sleep, it would do me incredible good! Seven hours sleep felt amazing. And I've had that much and more on weekends, occasionally, but something about this seven hours felt even better. I don't know why--perhaps the sleep was better quality.

It was a busy Friday, for sure, and by the time I walked through the door, it was about time to get ready for a big classic country concert with Mel Tillis and T.G. Sheppard. My intention was to get my workout done in the middle of the day, but it just wasn't possible. I had a choice--skip the pre-concert visit-on-the-tour-bus invitation from T.G. Sheppard and go workout, then show up at showtime--or plan to workout late, after the concert.

I decided to not pass up a visit with T.G. Sheppard on his tour bus and opted for the later workout. This late workout idea was another thing that didn't go as planned. I didn't get away from the venue until well after 11pm, walking out into a dense fog and mist. The idea of going to the walking trail at midnight wasn't appealing and instead of choosing a good home workout choice, like PiYo, I decided to be okay without--again today. I do not like going two days in a row without a good workout. What would be worse though, would be beating myself up over it and feeling horrible. Instead, I'll have plenty of time to hit the YMCA after my location broadcast tomorrow. All is well.

Meeting T.G. Sheppard was a nice experience. I grew up listening to his hits on the radio when KOMA was country and we blared it in mom's old Rambler and later in our Ford Pinto station wagon. I never in a million years thought I would be sitting across from him on his tour bus having a casual conversation about music, family and fatherhood. He couldn't have been nicer. Even though he's nearly 20 years my senior, we both have two daughters of similar age. Mine are 24 and 21, his-23 and 19--so, as you might imagine, common ground fueled a fascinating conversation. He shared some incredible stories from his career, too. About thirty minutes before showtime, we wrapped up our visit and T.G. asked his bass player to snap our picture.
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I'll be playing more of his music on my radio show. The guy is pure class. T.G. was amazing and Mel Tillis, even at 82 years old, sounded fantastic. It was a great show, for sure!

It was a super late dinner tonight, after the concert. I did well. The two side orders to my steak dinner were not on the menu as side options. My options were baked potato, french fries or mashed potatoes--and the only veggie option was corn. But I noticed a fruit plate listed under salads--so I knew they could possibly throw together a small cup of fruit--and the cottage cheese wasn't mentioned anywhere on the menu--I just lucked out on that one. I made the two special requests and the restaurant accommodated without hesitation. The steak was 10oz, a full 450 calories--so I trimmed it almost in half, down to approximately 6oz. I'll eat the left over sirloin with my breakfast Saturday morning.

My Tweets today:












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Thursday, November 20, 2014

November 20th, 2014 I'm Really Tired

November 20th, 2014 I'm Really Tired

Today was constantly busy. Busy morning show, busy production schedule immediately after--then a board meeting for the arts and humanities council. The meeting was at one of our big casinos, in a private meeting room with table service from the restaurant. I ordered creatively--a grilled chicken sandwich-no bread, hold the bacon, fruit and sweet potato fries on the side. The plate was delivered with about 400 calories worth of the fries, so I offered a portion to one of my fellow board members. I left the meeting early because I needed to get to Stillwater to pick up mom and take her to a doctors appointment in Oklahoma City.

After messing up my sleep schedule with yesterday's nap, I was awake way too long, again last night--and this horribly affected me today.  Mom's appointment was over at almost 5pm and we were back in Stillwater by 6pm, ready to find dinner, somewhere simple and fast--but easy to navigate within my boundaries. We found it.

It's 9pm now and although I silently vowed to exercise immediately upon my return home, I've nixed the plan. Today will be a rest day. I need sleep, now. I'm going to get it! I'm really tired.

My Tweets today:












Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
Posted by at 10 comments:

Wednesday, November 19, 2014

November 19th, 2014 Pieces Get Lost

November 19th, 2014 Pieces Get Lost

Exploring last night's blog and taking it from my brain to the screen was really good for me. This is why I highly recommend keeping a journal, blogging--something enabling you to get those thoughts and ideas on paper or virtual paper, then working through them like a puzzle--putting them together. When the pieces seem to fit, big epiphanies can happen. We're talking transformative stuff, my friend. If I try to keep it in my head, pieces get lost too easily.

For me, writing yesterday's post brought up several examples in my past where I didn't allow my emotions to run their course. The biggest example for me was the loss of my little brother, Shane, who died unexpectedly at the age of twenty-four. It's been thirteen years since his passing and I still have a very hard time with it all, especially when I hear one of the songs we mutually enjoyed. The more I thought about it, the bigger the list became--and all I can do, is acknowledge and move forward, and when the opportunity to feel comes up again, I'm sure I'll be less opposed to running the other way and more willing to embrace the natural and cleansing process of my emotions.

One of the things I didn't write about was how the emotional eating, for me, started first--and somewhere along the way, my brain was trained to react in certain ways--and that's when I added the element of addiction to the mix. The combination of emotional eating and food addiction seems to be quite the tag team champion in this battle many of us face. But it doesn't mean we can't take the title back. We can have a long and successful run as our own champion! 

My brain had a very hard time shutting down last night. Even with the melatonin--I laid awake until after 1am. Getting up three and a half hours later was a challenge. This sleep deficit refused to be ignored, so as soon as 2pm hit, I left the studio and came home for a good nap. Yeah...it was a little too good. I slept like a rock--good, quality, deep sleep--you know, the kind where you wake up and you're disoriented, thinking perhaps you overslept the next day when the clock says 5:45pm, but in your fogginess you were convinced it was AM--and panic ensues long enough for reality to become clear...then you're relieved, but now you realize it'll be a challenge to go to bed later... Yeah, all that.

I decided to make the most of my wide awake evening by catching up on some emails and a couple of phone calls to friends I needed to call back, then cooking a fabulous dinner, followed by a nice workout at the YMCA.

I'm feeling well. I'm nice and calm, relaxed and confident, thinking clearly and taking it one day at a time, as always. I'm sticking very close to the fundamentals of my plan, as if my personal hazard lights are flashing, signaling me to pay close attention and take extra precautions to protect my path.  
My Tweets today:
















Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Tuesday, November 18, 2014

November 18th, 2014 Here, Eat This, You'll Feel Better

November 18th, 2014 Here, Eat This, You'll Feel Better

What I'm about to share with you isn't an attempt to gain sympathy, pity or concern. It wasn't a bad thing at all, it was a good experience. And although it comes from working through the loss of my recent relationship, it isn't about her or me, in the context of that relationship. It's about processing emotions and allowing them to run their course without running for cover under a blanket of food.

My emotional development was stunted at an early age when I developed a dependency on food to buffer my emotions. For me, the answer wasn't to feel the emotions and work through them, processing the natural stages of the emotion. It was different. The routine was simple: Feel the onset of my changing emotional state--then eat, eat and eat some more, until the emotions subsided, or I forgot just how overwhelming they initially felt. And if I didn't feel better, then maybe another helping of whatever would do the trick. 

The distraction from the emotions during the joy of eating, followed by the natural effects of time on the emotions, meant I would actually feel better. I was convinced it was the food that made it all less challenging. Isn't providing a little relief what "comfort" food is all about? "Here, eat this, you'll feel better."

I never allowed my emotions to process in a healthy way without an all-you-can-eat interruption. Instead of helping me work through emotions, this quickly developed reflex was in-effect, stopping my natural emotional development in its tracks. The food gave me an illusion of being okay, while creating an emotional deficit with each occurrence.  It was very much like emotional trading. Let me borrow the illusion that I'm all better today--and I'll try to figure out how to pay for the pain some other time--just not right now, I'm eating. It's a heavy price. For me, it meant spending twenty years near, at or above 500 pounds.

Then I lost 275 pounds. Then I maintained for a year and a half. Then I faced big emotions again. Then I hit the "escape into isolation" button and ate my way to gaining back over half, all but 111 pounds.

I had zero practice at allowing emotions to take their natural course. While I did lose weight successfully and maintain for awhile, it wasn't because I had learned how to properly feel and process emotions. I enjoyed the initial success because I built up an incredible support and accountability system. And it was my immaturity in dealing with emotions that created deficits anyway, and these eventually get balanced one way or another--usually in the form of holding me back or flat out destroying anything good or potentially good, that comes along.

Allowing the emotions to run their course isn't easy. But I can honestly say that's exactly what I've been doing lately. I've felt things I didn't want to feel. I tighten my grip around the fundamentals of extraordinary care in the background by reaching out more for support and paying close attention to my behavior with food...and in the foreground of life, I allow myself to feel without buffers, without defenses--I just let it be, let it feel--let it run its course, and let it go. Suddenly, I realize feeling these emotions isn't the end of the world. It's actually the pathway to new beginnings and better days where I'm not held back. It's an entry way into a healthier existence where good and potentially good is allowed to flourish.

It was a long day today. I battled long lines at Walmart in order to grab a few things I needed after work, then I headed home--carried everything upstairs, put it all away, then I sat in my recliner and cried. 

I cried the most cleansing cry I've ever experienced. And it felt amazing to let it out. I felt it, it was exhausting. And at the same time, it was the most natural and healthy relief, ever. It was cathartic. I just sat there afterwards, letting it dry and feeling like a weight had been lifted.
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The rest of my evening was beautiful. I co-moderated my weekly weight loss support call with Life Coach Gerri, cooked an amazing meal and had a phenomenal workout at the YMCA. I'm feeling really good tonight. The melatonin is starting to kick in, so I'll let it.  

My Tweets today:
















Thank you, sincerely, for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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Monday, November 17, 2014

November 17th, 2014 Letting The Tweets Handle It

November 17th, 2014 Letting The Tweets Handle It

Letting the Tweets handle tonight's edition. I have some things to write about but I'll wait until tomorrow night. It's late and I better get to bed.

One thing is for sure, I'm hitting the pillow with the peace of mind that comes from knowing the integrity of my plan was solid today.

My Tweets today:














Thank you for reading and your continued support,
Strength,
Sean
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